Everybody loves top tens, so it's hardly surprising that a snarky top ten list that was a Facebook chain letter in the summer of 2010, resurfaced again in the summer of 2011.
I moved cyber-house since then but can't believe I missed putting this mangle up at the end of summer 2012. So here goes.
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🙎Meme: Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to schoolSeriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Actually, thank goodness you weren't my mom, and I wasn't your kid. I was always more interested in doing stuff ut with friends anyway when school-age, and not into staying up late to watch movies, let alone with you. So stop whining. It couldn't be all that bad.
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Lady, unless you yourself are prepared to use those chewed up and broken Strawberry Shortcake pencils yourself, shut the heck up.
Oh yeah, and taxes, well, they stink, but everybody's whining isn't going to make them go away. At least you know at least some of that money's going to keep your kid from growing up an ignoramus.
As for the three 'r's, welcome to the 21st century, where other practical and interesting courses are taught and school doesn't only go up to grade 8. You want your kid in school longer, remember?
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night. Why must we do this every year?
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I asked myself that question when seeing this chain barge on to my computer screen again in July, 2011, after it thankfully died with the beginning of the school year back in 2010.
🙎Meme: I got it already.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No kidding, and you reposted it.
🙎Meme: You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not that you, in your obviously stunted emotional capacity can tell which is which.
🙎Meme: If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'd much rather throw something at you.
🙎Meme: But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yes, the sooner you go, the better! But unfortunately, you wrote this stupid chain with seven more snivelling snarks to go.
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night?
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: What seriously!? Lol, you just pulled the environmentalist whinge? Wow! Hahahaha! Anyway, what happened to your being old school? But it sure explains why you don't want to buy your kids any more pencils, so put your money where your mouth is and settle for old junk yourself if you want to 'leave less of a carbon footprint' on 'the planet'.
🙎Meme: You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: actually no, I don't, nor do I want to.
🙎Meme: He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: How about I just call you Ms. I'mSoFreakingSorryForMyselfAndIHateMyKids instead?
🙎Meme: We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: But for the fact he's YOUR kid, and that makes for rather special circumstances - will he grow up to engineer computer viruses, hate his own kids, become at best an obnoxious dweeb, at worst, a criminal/terrorist in the name of saving trees?
🙎Meme: He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: If you can't get your shart together any better than this, why in the hex did you have kids?
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask? PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, uh, obviously you stink at multitasking. I'm not coming over to your house any time soon and wouldn't want you packing anything for my picnic. You might get it all wrong and try to make me a peanut butter and Pooh Bear sandwich or something.
Oh, and nobody laminated my books when I was in school, nor did I expect them to. The library books had nice covers on them.
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework. What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, that explains a lot. You didn't retain anything you learned. wow.
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Over-dramatic much? Yeah, it's a chore. My own mom says as much, packing lunches wasn't on her list of favourite things to do either, but I'm pretty sure she put that well above the other things you mentioned.
🙎Meme: Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, that explains your abnormal loathing, to some degree. It would make sense if you actually cared about your kids and what they liked, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
🙎Meme: But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Lol - Sardines? Really? You pack that in a kid's lunch? Why not at least tuna? That's at least normal. Oh, and you can also make peanut butter sandwiches, or buy sausage rolls, or even give your kid some soup in one of those thermal bowls that keeps it hot. There are lots of options out there - oh right, I just remembered, you're "old school"
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: wow, what a useless, lazy bum you are. oh, wait, it just dawned on me - less vehicles on the road means less fuel emissions and less energy wasted - right…Environmentalism thing again.
🙎Meme: Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Uh, lady, the world never has and never will revolve around you. Get used to it.
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Let me guess. You do. of course, you would.
🙎Meme: if you miss the busYour bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait” or “If you stop I’ll show you my boobies.”
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You shouldn't do the latter anyway, hussy.
🙎Meme: Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, i'm sure you do - for joy because your kid is out of the house and out of your way for several hours.
🙎Meme: We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Or so you think. the damage may not be apparent until much later when the kid becomes a rebellious teen or young adult with some very troublesome behaviours and attitudes brought on by being unloved by you.
🙎Meme: Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!!
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: For reasons you haven't even touched on, and couldn't possibly. Clearly, you are not cut out for it.
🙎Meme: Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.”
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, sure, now all you need to do is train your dog to use the human toilet and you can claim to be some sort of miracle worker too. *Rolling eyes*
And yes, you can go any time!
Over and out!
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