From Sako
Okay, tell me if this shoots off your MS radar-thingies...
*****
There was no way around it, Mia was easily the brighterst student WWMSA (Wrold Wide Magic Schools Association) had ever seen.
She was also the loudest, most oppinated, and a trouble maker. She looked innocent enough, Black Cork Screw curly hair that hung down to her lower back, and sparkeling grey eyes that had hints of violet hiden in them. She was thin, and had a willowy form which was very useful for slipping into small corners to hide when the need arose.
However behind that croked smile, that seemed to say I know something you don't know, there was a person who hated the dull life that she was attempted to be forced to in her school. She needed something new, prehaps that is why Deportation was a brillant idea.
With amazing luck for the American School Board, they managed to send her off to A British school , Hogwarts, and finally be rid of their trouble maker.
Mia, short For Amelia Boarder, gazed up at the old Stone castle that was her new school. A feeling of Awe swept through her, and oddly enough a sense that she was finally home, something she had never truly felt before. She was the only child of a well to do family, who had forfilled the American Dream. Her Grand Father had come to America from Ireland with not a cent to his name, and had built his way up to the top. Her father , and mother had the same work ethic as her Grandparents, so she had every material desire she had ever wanted, but some how in the deal , she was jipped a real family , and a place to call home. The teachers at her old school believed this may be why she "acted out" .
Picking up the single suitcase at her feet she thanked the giant that had ferryed her across the giant lake. He smiled at her , his beady balck eyes sparekling as he told her it was no problem, and to not call him sir unless she took his class, his name was Hagrid.He then sent her off to the castle awainting her, her future, whatever it was to be, waiting for her to come and embrace the unknown.
At the door stood a strict looking woman, with worry lines underneath her eyes, named Profeswor Monganagall ( Spell Check) She Quickly sorted Her into a house, The Gryffindor Common Room? And how, exactly, was she supposed to find that? Mia Mya wondered. The woman who had sorted her mere moments before, with a talking mangy old hat,calling herself Proffesor Magonigal ( Magoniel? Something like that...) well she was the teacher of transfiguration, and evidently, head of her new house, had only said to look for some portrait of a lady in a pink dress and tell her the password.
" Oh, yeah ," Mia thought sarcasticlly looking around at the seemingly endless hallways, and winding staricases of her new school. " That shouldn't be to hard." It was only like finding a needle in a hay stack.
Mia Mya walked into a crowded hall, ( the Great Hall, but being new Mia Mya didn't know that.) being bumped and pushed out of the way by students on their way to do whatever it was that British teens did for fun. Mia didn't know, after all she wasn't british in the least. Having lived in the famous city of New York for part of her life, she was used to the crowds, so she wasn't bothered in the least by the swarming pack of people.
However suddenly she was struck with a sharp lonliness she had never felt before. Acutly it Pained her gut as she looked about wishing to see a fimilar, friendly face come up to her, but, alas, she didn't know any one, and didn't think any one would risk going upto the new, and strange American student.
She shoved those feelings aside. So what if she felt lonly in the middle of a crowded hall full of students talking with their friends? she would 'cowboy up' and take it.
Response from Kazuko
...
Ew. EW! EEWW!!
*only got three sentences in, as she was knocked dead by the spelling/grammar errors. Gathers her strength* Ohh, the horror...
"brighterst"?
"Wrold"?
"oppinated"?
Trouble-maker has a hyphen, foolish mortal!!!
You do not capitalize name-titled adjectives in the middle of sentence! (Black Cork Screw curly hair--no, duh it's curly!) And there should have been a semicolon before that sentence fragment!
You drop the friggin' E when you add ING!! ARG, what are they teaching in schools these days???(Come on folks, it even rhymes! Drop the "e", add "ing"!)
She was thin and had a willowy form...Uh. Huh. I thought "thin" and "willowy"(is that even a word???) meant basically the same thing: STICK.
However (I! Add! Comma! *,*) behind that croked smile--Croked?? Croked?? *is dead*
Then I'm gonna take away a comma for my sanity (there is no need for a comma between "smile" and "that")
"there was a person who hated the dull life that she was attempted to be forced to in her school"
...There are SO MANY THINGS WRONG with that sentence *boohoos*
"prehaps"--nice try, but no cigar.
"Deportation"--other than being randomly capitalized in the middle of a sentence, isn't that when immigrants get kicked out and sent back to the country that they initially came from? OMG! She's a fugitive of the law!! *smacks self in forehead* She would have been sent to Ireland, you idiot! Along with her whole family!
*Reads next part*
HAHAHAHA, even the school hates her. Brains don't get you anywhere if you can't utilize them for the proper reasons! I mean...come on. If she's so horrible that no magic school in America wants her, well...that kind of kills her chances of success in Britain, don't you think?
"A feeling of Awe"--don't randomly capitalize words in the middle of the sentence, you repeat offender!
It's "well-to-do", not "well to do"!
And OMG--"forfilled"? Forfilled??? *is dead yet again* (it's supposed to be fulfilled! Fulfilled!!!)
ERRRRRG...*is daunted by the gross amount of grammar and spelling errors bereft throughout the description.* They get worse. Oh, they get worse! Agony! Agony! *starts up singing number*
*Reads rest while gagging on every grammar/spelling error that appears*
Now...the great question in my mind is: is she really a Gryffindor, if she's so ff'n intelligent? I suppose she is, because she's a tricky person.
But UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH. Kill it! Kill it with fire!!!
...Sorry, I couldn't make a valid character analysis. The writing...ooooo, the writing BURNZ MY EYES. *Has gone into complete grammar/spelling mode*. I blame my peers in school for not being able to write proper subject-verb agreement. I mean, come ON--"Aren't the future important"? EGADS, moron!
From sammiedol
Mia Mya...Harry Potter...why does that sound so familiar?
Oh! I remember now! When I first went to answers.com to find out what a "Mary Sue" and it had this to say about fanfic authors making Mary Sues out of canon characters:
Perhaps the most prevalent example is the transformation of Hermione Granger, as seen in a number of Harry Potter fanfics. In a randomly selected story (usually in the context of an "alternate universe" or AU) readers are likely to find Hermione with her bushy brown hair straightened, sleek and shiny; wearing extremely revealing clothing rather than the canonical school robes; using a nickname such as "'Mione", "Mina", "Mia" or "Mya"; disclosing that her father abuses or molests her; learning that she is adopted and "really" a pureblood witch (not muggle-born); abandoning her beloved books and studies in favor of fashion and flirtation; "re-sorted" into a school House other than Gryffindor; romantically or sexually involved with an unlikely partner (Draco Malfoy or Ginny Weasley, for example); or any combination of these.
...So...Mia Mya = "Hermione was already taken in this RPG, so I got as close as I could?"
-From Kazuko
EW! EWW!! EEEWWW!!!!!
Kill it, kill it with BURNY THINGS!!!
*is oficially grossed out*
From Sako
*traumatized by the defamation of Hermione. Beyond speech*
From Tamiko
Yes! OMG - is all I could say!
That's what I call 'character bastardization, 'character butchery' 'character mutilation' and if sex is involved, 'character rape'.
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