This story has been around since at least 30 September 2013
Aaaaaaaaaargh! *Scowl* This one needs the heck mangled out of it! Warning, it's almost as graphically appalling as Laughing Jack.
*Takes aim with both barrels and a murderous glare* This creep is going to GET IT!
Let's cook some creepy pasta!
🦍Salt: I am Salt, and I love you.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: If you could see me right now, you would hopefully get the hint that I don't love you back, and then get the bright idea to run like heck! In addition, you might get some idea that not only did you just botch a first impression, but you did it in uber idiotic fashion. If you have to intro yourself, you can't love the one you're addressing. and who in their right mind would name somebody "Salt"? If that's a name you gave yourself, well…Why? Moron.
🦍Salt: I have loved a lot of people, but now I love you.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Derisive chortle* That will surely win over the air headed fangirl contingent who get swept off their feet by anybody who catches their fancy.
Not me.
The typical fangirl might go "Oooooh! He loved a lot of people, but I'm the only real special one, he chose MEEEEEE above all others! WEEEEEE W00T!"
I say get lost. You must change loves with the same frequency that people change their socks or underwear, so it isn't love at all, it's just you being an emotional factory reject.
🦍Salt: Last week actually I loved this sweet little girl. Her name was Lisa. She had sweet straight golden hair and small blue eyes. When I saw her I just knew I loved her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Gah, you didn't love her, you creep, especially since you talk about her in the past tense. You're up to no good, paying that much attention to little girls' looks anyway, what are you, some kind of pedo creep? "Love" at first look? You get outa here while you can!
🦍Salt: About five days ago I saw her playing happily outside so I decided to join her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Splutters* What the…!? So. You just invited yourself into her sandbox or whatever. Salt, people just don't go around doing that to children who don't know them! Ignorant obnoxious creep!
🦍Salt: At first she was scared,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No crap, DUH! *Facepalm* You jerk!
🦍Salt: but everyone is at first.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Ahem!* Excuse me! I'm not scared of you! I'd sooner take a ratchet to your head than run!
🦍Salt: It was OK though, I told her as much.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Okay for her to be scared of some strange drip just suddenly coming up to play with her. NOT OKAY for you to have approached her at all!
🦍Salt: We went and played in the sandbox.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Wow. *Grabs gold star off shelf* I sure nailed that one somewhere above, didn't I?
🦍Salt: She asked me my name and I tried to tell her it was Salt, but as always my voice was a whisper and dragged out so it sounded more like “sssaaalllttt”. She laughed at this and enjoyed saying my name that way. I liked that it made her happy and so we kept playing.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: You could've said it normally and she would've laughed. Any kid would. Like I said before, who in their right mind names someone "Salt"?
🦍Salt: Soon I saw her mother through a window in her house. She was washing dishes. She looked out at Lisa playing in the sandbox. As soon as she saw me her face changed. Where just a moment ago she had seemed content, now her face was ghostly white. She stared at me in terror. Her hands firmly gripping the dish she had been cleaning. I stared back at her. Our little staring contest seemed to last for an eternity though I knew it was really just a couple seconds.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Well, do you blame her? Anybody would be more than a bit upset with some strange creep just popping in to play with their kid! *Scowl* Lisa's mother knew something was not right, and that would be YOU!
🦍Salt: Then she screamed.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Glare* And you either got a thrill, panicked, or both at once.
🦍Salt: She ran to the door and swung it open. She seemed too afraid to come near me so instead she called Lisa to her. Lisa of course got up and walked toward her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I wouldn't have hesitated to come after you with a pot or rolling pin and beat your brain out with it to save my kid if I was her.
🦍Salt: The front door slammed shut.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Huh? Considering you were playing in a sandbox, and you saw Lisa's mom doing dishes, since when is all of that viewable from the front of the house? It would make a lot more sense if you said the backdoor slammed.
🦍Salt: I wondered what her mother was doing so I teleported inside to find out.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Gah, you just couldn't take a hint, could you? You weren't wanted there! Idiot! *Sneer*
🦍Salt: Lisa was running upstairs and her mother was in the kitchen on the phone.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: As it should be. But now you're going to recount some story about how you terrorized them further, and no doubt tortured and killed them as well. *Furious dark glare*
🦍Salt: I know not to disturb someone on the phone
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Acid look* But you don't know not to go into a yard uninvited to play with some kid who doesn't know you. - You don't know not to enter somebody's house uninvited and unwelcome. - You don't know not to go up to strangers and say "I love you." - You don't know not to terrorize, torture and murder people! And you did the whole shebang anyway! Scum!
🦍Salt: but I wanted to know what she was doing,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Of course you did. Terrorizing people is a big turn-on for you. *Glare*
🦍Salt: so I crept up behind her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Listening in and getting a big lulz-fix no doubt. *Hiss*
🦍Salt: “Yes hello?!? This is Jayne Moore.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Wait a minute. Lisa Moore, actually Lisa Smith, or, Smithmoore isn't a little kid.
And why would Jayne introduce herself? If it was me in the phone, I'd be brief as possible and say "Intruder at" and give the address, or "Child in danger at" and give the address.
🦍Salt: I live at 9851 Oakland Drive. There is a thing outside in my yard…..Yes it is an extremely black creature. It’s taller then any human. It’s eyes are black too…..NO I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!…..Yes it resembles a person except it has claws for fingers. It was outside with my daughter and I could almost swear I can feel it behind me now. Please help me”.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So, You're a too-tall black humanoid with claws instead of fingers. You've either got the wrong name or the wrong color. Salt is white. Why on earth did Jayne describe you in detail over the phone? Again, all she would've had to say was someone had come on her property to harm her child. of course she could sense you behind her.Anyone can do that if you're close enough.
🦍Salt: She seemed to be crying.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Glare* DUH Salt, DUH!
🦍Salt: It must be the phone. I knew it was wrong but to make her feel better I cut the cord.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: "To make her feel better" my foot! *Fumes* Yes it was wrong of you. And it was wrong of you to be there in the first place! Everything you ever did or will do is wrong. You are just one big wrong that needs to be rubbed out!
🦍Salt: She froze.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: And you'll burn.
🦍Salt: I leaned in starting to put my arms around her to comfort her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: "Comfort" nothing, idiot! The only way you could manage that is by making fast tracks out of there and away from Lisa! Considering the condemnable stuff you did to them after this point, I sure as heck don't buy your flimsy excuse of trying to "comfort" anybody!
🦍Salt: She slowly turned around and stared at me. I had thought her face was white before, but now it was almost as white as snow.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: DUH again! But why slowly? Why is everybody so slow in these chain letters?
Here is the hall of slowpokes. These chain letter idiots do everything too slow in order to try freaking the readers out, and their slow actions make no sense. they either walk slowly when they should run from something or they are said to creep up on, prepare to, or kill someone slowly.
Babysitter Beatrice Jessica, Holly Ice Cream Brat, And The Red Mirror
Donna Phone Sitter Jeff the Killer
Fear usually consists of sudden rapid movements, particularly when somebody thinks they're going to have to fight for their life.
🦍Salt: She dropped the phone.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: She should've slammed it into your jaw!
🦍Salt: I tried to say hi but again it came out as “hiiiiiiii”. She screamed.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I don't give a blast how you say stuff, anything you would've said or done short of clearing out of there would've made her scream. Moron!
🦍Salt: Lisa came down wondering what was going on. Her mother yelled at her to go upstairs.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No crap. Gah!
🦍Salt: I didn’t want to lose Lisa,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Tough, you should've left her alone in the first place, creep!
🦍Salt: I loved her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: BULL! *Dark glare*
🦍Salt: How dare she try to take away Lisa.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Menacing glower* How dare *YOU*!? She was Lisa's mom, you stupid clod! You were nothing to either of them, except a very much uninvited nightmare!
🦍Salt: I couldn’t let her keep doing that.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: You could, and should have. What you shouldn't have done was barge in there in the first place, LOSER!
🦍Salt: I took my finger and slit her throat.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! *Continues glowering* You selfish, greedy, heartless, lustful basilisk! *Growls and stamps foot*
🦍Salt: Lisa screamed.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No duh! *Looks fit to kill something*
🦍Salt: I picked up Lisa and teleported back to my house. She didn’t seem happy. She was trying to run away. I talked to her telling her it was OK. I loved her and she didn’t have to cry, but she kept trying to run.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Sheesh, of course she did, you disgusting piece of filth! *Fuming*
🦍Salt: I strapped her to a table.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Murderous glower, too enraged to be coherent* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
🦍Salt: A couple of days later she had calmed down, but was still crying.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Gah! Of course she was still crying! You killed her mother and then you whisked her away to your filthy little shack!
🦍Salt: I came in and she struggled against the straps but to no avail.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Appalled expression* What…The…Hex? What the freaking - you mean to tell me you didn't even bother to unstrap her off that *biting tongue* blasted table for two whole blinking days! GRRRRRRRRRRGH! Oh you are so gonna get it in the freaking neck! *Murderous glower*
🦍Salt: She looked so pretty.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Facepalm* AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! There's nothing pretty about suffering, you abominable scumheap! Nothing pretty about going through it, or the sights/sounds of someone else going through it! *Same glare of rage*
🦍Salt: I told her I loved her
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Liar! You do NOT love her!
🦍Salt: and I wanted to keep her forever.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Glare* You are making me sick! You don't care what Lisa wanted, you didn't care what Lisa's mom wanted. All that matters to you is what you want, and That's it! *Spits*
🦍Salt: She kept crying,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No crap! DUH! *Glower*
🦍Salt: but I knew she would be happy soon.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Bull! You knew nothing, you depraved imbecile! *NOTHING!*
🦍Salt: So I started doing what I always do. I keep my fingers nice and sharp for this.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Glower* Yeah I know, you're going to kill her…
🦍Salt: I threw my fingers into her stomach. One at a time. In places I had learned from practice. She started screaming. They always did.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Shakes fists, stamps, scowls* I said you will burn! You and your buddy Laughing Jack! *Roars* You will get it! And you will not like it!
🦍Salt: I finished.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: You *WILL BE* finished! *Death-stare*
🦍Salt: The blood was oozing out of her body as she lie there screaming.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: AAAAAAAAAAGH! Death to Salt!
🦍Salt: Now came the last part. Now that there was blood my stomach growled and I let it open. Out came the razor sharp teeth. First I was eating her legs making her scream even louder.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Screams in absolute rage, stuff goes flying* AAAAAAAAAGH! I'll end you, Salt! You appalling human-eating scum! You reprehensible torturing scuzzbrain! You will pay! !!!!!!!!!!!!! Candle eyeless Jack did, and so will you!
🦍Salt: Slowly and meticulously I worked my way up until her screams turned to gurgling.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🦍Salt: Soon it was silent and I was done.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Not soon enough for the silence, and I'll just bet you wished all her pain and screaming would've dragged on longer! *Killer glare* You will be done when I get through with you! *Forcefully pounds fist on table*
🦍Salt: I loved her.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: NO You DID *NOT!* *Growls*
🦍Salt: Now she is inside me and I can continue to hear her screams forever.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No you won't, because you won't last forever! *Menacing stare of disgust intensifying* Besides, you believed she would "be happy" soon, screaming in pain forever is *NOT* happiness, Salt! And since you killed her, she's not screaming now. Heck, you yourself even said a while ago that there was silence. You can't even keep your bloody story straight!
🦍Salt: I am Salt, and I love you.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Too bad for you, because I hate you! And you utterly failed to creep me out. All you did is royally tick me off! *Glowers and goes after Salt with a sledgehammer*
Well come to think of it, there are two kinds of love, one is the emotional love, which you don't have. You only have selfishness and lust. The other love is the not as important kind that expresses pleasure rather than actual love when we're talking about favourite foods, TV shows, music etc. So in this second sense of the word, Salt, I love you too - on potato chips! *Crunch munch munch*
*Baleful look* Salt, prepare to meet your end!
Comment options: