Article by LightningAndIce
Originally posted here, or here. First link no longer has it, and I don't know how long the second will either. thank goodness I saved it because it is no longer there. So... It is Reposted in part here minus the f-bomb. The preamble before the subject of Jeff The Killer is put on another page, so check it out if you're curious.
Jeff the Killer sucks.
Posted on November 13, 2014 - 9:34pm by LightningandIce
LightningandIce: Despite its massive popularity, I have never really taken the time to acknowledge or comment on Jeff the Killer. There is actually a very good reason for that:
Because it flaring sucks.
The exact history of the pasta is a little skewed; no details are set in stone. After doing some research, I've put together what I think is the most basic history of the pasta. It all started with that face. Around 2008, the infamous Go To Sleep/Jeff the Killer face started popping up around the internet. Screamer pranks, shock sites, scary image pages, the works. It spread around due to its creepy composition and ability to startle unsuspecting viewers. Indeed, if you're not used to it, it can be pretty nerve racking.
Ocean Elf: It wouldn't frighten me.
LightningandIce: Despite looking like somebody pulled an Ecce Homo job on Ronald McDonald, it falls in the middle of the uncanny valley. There is something inherently not right about it, and it does a fine job of wrenching your guts the first time you lay eyes on it.
In my research, the most commonly accepted explanation is that started as the face of a young woman.
Ocean Elf: HOAX!
LightningandIce: If that is true (and I hope it isn't) then that is absolutely horrible. Bullying is awful, and for it to get that bad is deplorable. My heart goes out her and her family. When you interact with somebody, online or otherwise, please keep in mind that they are people with thoughts and feelings and lives. They don't deserve to be treated that way.
Ocean Elf: I couldn't agree with you more about that subject in general.
But spare your heart any further aching for this nonexistent girl. Rest assured, the story is just another sick hoax, cooked up by none other than 4chan itself... There never was such a girl, the image is that of a rubber mask...
LightningandIce: On the flip side, if you or somebody you know are a victim of bullying or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help. This website has good information and helpful links, including a link to the national suicide hotline.
Ocean Elf: I'm sorry, but I found no link in this article and am not sure which site LightningandIce is referencing. But I agree, no one deserves that treatment, and if you are being bullied, please, talk to someone. The bullies will tell you they are right and you deserve what you're getting, but they are wrong, and they are scum.
Moving on, I will snip out any further mention of this stupid hoax and let's get the focus back on the creepy pasta.
LightningandIce: It went viral online because*snip* that picture is pretty freaky.
Ocean Elf: Dumb looking, IMO.
LightningandIce: Soon after making its rounds, a few independent pastas based on the image started popping up. Being little more than glorified fanfiction, most of these went largely unnoticed. There is one, however, that the masses took notice of. A short story about a young teenager whose trouble with local bullies drove him insane.
It was very well received and is now considered to be a classic creepy pasta. It gets lumped along with Candle Cove and Squidward's Suicide as one of the best out there. It is now considered canon, as the "official" origin story of the guy from the picture. It is now linked with the image in most of the internet's collective conscious. It has a huge fan following, inspiring fanart and more stories. It is as definitive to the Jeff the Killer mythos as Marble Hornets is to Slender Man.
Ocean Elf: Mythos schmythos. Just because it's considered canon or original doesn't mean it is. The real story about the character's origin is here. And it sucks too.
LightningandIce: However, just because something is popular does not mean it is good. To put it bluntly, the story is terrible. The story that has become so famous is a prime example of bad writing. It is filled to the brim with mechanical errors. The characters are either horribly wooden or straight-up Mary Sues. It's filled with cliches, everyone acts completely unrealistically, and it has no semblance of the realism and fear-of-the-unknown that actually make creepy pastas so potent. The entire thing has a flavor that ironically reflects its very content: it reads like teenage emo kid venting his frustration with his parents and the other kids in his seventh grade class.
It is an awful mess of a story. This isn't a controversial topic, either: even the things it gets right are amateurish at best. That is what perplexes me about its popularity. With the internet's known cynicism, most stories written like this would either fall into obscurity or reach so-bad-its-good territory in the same vein as My Immortal or Sonichu. Jeff's fans are completely sincere. Creepy pasta readers have actually turned this thing into a modern classic despite its dreadfulness. If Slender Man and The Rake are the internet's Frankenstein and Dracula, Jeff the Killer is its Twilight.
Ocean Elf: Lol! Oh, I love this! Jeff is internet Twilight!
LightningandIce: Speaking of Twilight, a couple years ago I found a tumblr blog called Reasoning with Vampires. It is no longer updated but the basic gist is that the author takes scans of text from the Twilight books and juxtaposes them with snarky commentary. It is a brilliant concept and leads to both comedy gold and some deep insight into good writing.
Ocean Elf: Hahahaha! That is what I call a mangle, or smash. If it wasn't Tumblr, I'd definitely check the Twilight one out.
LightningandIce: It works quite well, so instead of blindly ranting for the rest of this blog, I'm going to celebrate Halloween by doing a full commentary on Jeff the Killer.
Ocean Elf: Yeah! mangle away! I'll put it in with the one I have done, but minus any f-bombs since that is a requirement on my own site.
LightningandIce: Below is the full text of the infamous creepy pasta interspersed with my own thoughts. What you will find is the original story in normal typeface. My thoughts, in bold, are placed between paragraphs. I might also throw in some underlining during the main text to draw attention to things. The intention here is to illustrate exactly why I don't like this story, and hopefully entertain along the way.
Ocean Elf: I read it, and was entertained. I love good mangles of creepy pastas and other virals/memes/chain letters.
But since I'm just copy-pasting your comments in with my mangling of Jeff and Jess The Killers, the visuals you describe will not show. I'll put our names with our comments and mark the story bits similarly so it should be clear who is saying what.
LightningandIce: One more thing before we get started. Just to keep this fun, I've made up a little drinking game to play as we read along. I'm kind of a teetotaler, so grab yourself some water or soda pop and see how far you can get without peeing your pants.
Ocean Elf: Hahahahaha!
LightningandIce: Now, take a drink whenever...
-You spot a spelling or grammar mistake
-Jeff or Liu does something unrealistically badarse and/or courageous
-One of the child characters uses unrealistically articulate diction
-An adult says something not articulate enough
-The narration changes tense at complete random
-The bullies say/do/attempt something so vicious it would put street gangs to shame
-An adult does absolutely nothing to help the above situation
-The narrator describes something in a ridiculously conversational tone
Ocean Elf: Lol Got it.
I'm also going to add:
-When something utterly ridiculous happens. After all, this story has flying skateboarders and walking infernos caused by bleach and alcohol.
LightningandIce: Okay, ready? Now, come with me as we dive into the dark realm of Jeff the Killer...
Ocean Elf: Yes. It is coming right up on the following link. I had to mangle Jess The Killer, and Jane "Everlasting" Arkensaw as well, since those fanfictions were set to happen right along with Jeff as he was dealing with the move, the bullying etc. There is also going to be some additional rewriting of part of the story by Stephanie Selby, who also thinks Jeff The Killer Sucks and the pasta was written badly. Her additional details and better writing than the pasta won't be mangled by me, but I will continue to throttle Jeff The Killer, even harder.
Jeff The Killer, Mangle Smash Reboot
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