Argh! This chain letter was reposted on this blog.
😏Meme: The alleged wise Dr
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Try the nonexistent doctor.
😏Meme: Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Actually I don't really believe either is true, because nobody really knows why some people live longer than others. There are people who exercise a ton and don't live very long, and those that do. There are those who don't do a lot of exercise and they live long. Others don't. I can just tell this is going to be one mondo exercise in trying not to toss something.
😏Meme: Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Argh! *Facepalm* That's up to you, but I'm not a food-cop, so don't recommend it, and it irritates me that we get another chain letter opposing the food-cops with a fictitious doctor and attempted cuteness. If you're going to oppose that rotten agenda, please do it wisely.
😏Meme: A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That's really stupid! Just because cows and pigs eat grass and vegetables doesn't mean they turn into vegetables when they are turned into steak and ham! Chickens also eat bugs, you know. And chicken doesn't become bread when you cook it.
So forget your crazy theories, the best opposition to the food-cop veg agenda is still that we have and should maintain the right to eat what we darn well please.
😏Meme: Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, this should be rich, what cockeyed excuse are you going to come up for guzzling booze?
😏Meme: A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Pssssh* There's fresh fruit, then there's a fermented product, bit of a difference there. Nobody ever got drunk just eating grapes.
😏Meme: Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* Don't bother. Get a life.
😏Meme: A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Duh! But of course, you don't have two bodies…
😏Meme: Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Pfffft*
😏Meme: A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I can - the people who run the program get your money. Yeah I hate the "no pain no gain" stuff but really, this chain letter is annoying!
😏Meme: Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Not in my personal opinion okay? But absolutely anything in wild excess isn't good for you, and yes, this includes over-doing the vegetables.
😏Meme: A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Facepalm&rolling eyes* So freaking what? Oil is only one part of the vegetable. With your lame arguments trying and failing miserably to oppose the food-cop agenda, you might as well tell us to eat wooden spoons too because they are made from trees which is vegetable matter...
😏Meme: Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Headdesk* No. They won't prevent you getting soft in the head either.
😏Meme: A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Facepalm* they're not even concerned with muscle, doofus!
😏Meme: Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Of course not, but not because this chain letter says so! Nobody ever died from eating chocolate. And please, don't give me that old "chocolate is a vegetable" kruft found in this other honking long chain letter that goes on all about that because it's made from a plant and yadda yadda yadda… if you do, I will freaking scream.
😏Meme: A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: !!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! !!!!!!!
😏Meme: Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, for the love! Shut up already! And don't give me this bit about how you get wrinkly from being in the water…
😏Meme: A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, for Pete's sakes! Look, whales are NOT people, in case you haven't figured (oops) that out! They are not "fat" they are like seals, which also have blubber as protection against loss of body heat and for buoyancy so they can come up for air because they don't swim in shallow human pools, they go way way down deep in the ocean! they do not have swim bladders like fish. I explained this a bit in the Pointless Ponderings chain letter.
😏Meme: Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Depends on what lifestyle and what kind of shape you want. Get a freaking life!
😏Meme: A: Round is a shape!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Gah! *Facepalm* So is the letter 'f' for fail!
😏Meme: I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No, it has only annoyed me.
Over and out.
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