Let's mangle!
🙎♂️Female Behavior Men Will No Longer Tolerate
By Mike Zimmerman
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 1. You say to us, "You're not romantic anymore." Fine, we'll try harder. But only if you agree to initiate once in a while, too. Deal?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: If I was in a romance, I'd say deal. I do not believe in the old nonsense that says men are always supposed to be the ones to initiate things. Please, people, get with the times!
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 2. Then there's "You never listen." This is not an inherently male trait. I mean, how many times does a guy have to explain the infield-fly rule?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I don't even know what that is. But. Don't bother telling me, because I'll probably forget it anyway since baseball and football, like fashion trends, bore the heck out of me. If I was interested in it, I would listen to your explanation, and I would remember it. I don't expect you to share my interest in digital pianos or nature. And there have been people from both genders who failed to listen to me, and I've been guilty of not always paying attention to everything everyone else says too. Oh well. One of the frailties of the human condition. It is not gender-specific. Really, it isn't.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 3. No, you don't look fat. Did we mention how you never listen?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I'm actually a rarity, a woman who doesn't obsess over the freaking fat thing. What's more, I'm sick of people who do. Whether it's the so-called "body positivity" thing or food-cops they need to knock it all off and get a life.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 4. If you ask our opinion, please don't get mad when we give it. The color of the curtains shouldn't be a referendum on our relationship.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Lol! actually, I probably wouldn't ask your opinion on anything where I might think your answer might offend me. But it would be something a heck of a lot more important than curtain colour to make that sort of difference.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 5. It's just a spider, for Pete's sake. Step on it.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Hahahahahaha! I kid you not, I know a couple guys who get freaked out at spiders. Hysterically screaming kind of freaked out. And guess what? Spiders don't scare me - as long as they're not the kind that can make you dreadfully sick or kill you. Like the black widow. I've been known to pick up and hold daddy longlegs. I will pick up any creature as long as it isn't seriously offending my nostrils and I know it holds no threat. A harmless spider? Sure. A cranky or frightened and defensive hamster? Eeeeek. Not so much! A harmless snake? Definitely. A mad hissing and growling cat? Yikes, no! A dog that's been down and dirty with something seriously foul-smelling? Ewww, no! Get away!
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 6. We worked a 60-hour week, took out the garbage, did the dishes, paid the bills, walked the dog, changed the oil, picked up the dry cleaning, read to the kids, and gave you equal time. All we're asking for is 3 hours on the couch on Sunday.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: And that's just fine. In turn, I'd get those three hours down on my keyboard practicing or on my computer. no prob!
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 7. No more deflecting responsibility for crummy behavior with cute and kittenish responses. You can't giggle your way out of trouble anymore.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Cough* Urgh! That kind of behaviour is utterly beneath me! I don't do the cutesy kittenish thing. I don't try to giggle or cry my way out of trouble - and I do try to avoid getting into trouble in the first place. But I won't hesitate to make trouble if someone ticks me off enough. so there.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 8. You know damn well what we're doing in there. Stop asking.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Huh? Why would I ask?
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 9. Forget the notion that raising kids is harder than maintaining gainful employment. More important? Yes. But harder? No.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That's if you plan to, or already have kids. But for someone like me who doesn't and isn't planning on having kids, holding down a job is more important. I'd go for both being equally hard. You can't work if there's no job to be had. You can do your best raising kids, and still, something absolutely horrible can happen to bring it all crashing down in on you. Thankfully most of us don't face these worst case scenarios, which are a subject for another time. The point is, I'm not arguing with you about who's got the harder job. People who play those kinds of one-upmanship games irritate the heck out of me. They need to get some kind of a life and a worth-while personality.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 10. If you continue to dump on our best friend, we will probe the (many) character tics of all your friends.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I have no idea who your friends are, and I don't even care, so why would I dump on them? Likewise, you don't know my friends, so you can't say anything nit-picky about them anyway.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 11. If you want to have kids,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I don't.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: you have to have sex.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I don't want that either.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: This is not a complaint. This is science.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Bursts out laughing* no crap! Duh! Well, there is a way to have kids without having sex, not physically "having" them but adopting, and people may turn to that when sex isn't producing any results for them.
Not my concern, though.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 12. Somewhere, somehow, women were sold this idea of "fashionably late." Men don't get this. Make up a fashion emergency if you must, but don't ask us to be intentionally tardy. It's like asking us to kick the host in the groin.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I actually don't care much for this fashionably late thing either - unless I'm not exactly eager to go to whatever function I'm supposed to attend. But I think the reasoning behind it is that if you arrive on time or too early, you look too eager to impose yourself on your host - sort of like inviting yourself over, or something like that. I think there needs to be a "fashionably on time" rather.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 13. Yes, that woman is hot. Yes, we appreciate beauty. That's why we're with you.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* That doesn't cut it, buster. If anyone gets into a relationship with me, I don't look at other men as "hot" and I expect the same consideration from him concerning other women. "She's hot, your beautiful" stop being so shallow and just shut up.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 14. We do listen. And empathize. But when your troubles have been analyzed until there's nothing left to talk about, can we please stop talking about them?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Heh! You know, I get driven crazy by other women and occasionally men who engage in this behaviour.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 15. If we fell in love with you when you had long hair, we're going to want you to keep your long hair until death do us part. We'll beg, but would prefer not to.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* If hair is the reason you fall in love, move on. I'll wear my hair as long or short as I like it regardless of what anyone else thinks. You look after your own hair and wear it however you like. I don't care. But don't tell, ask nicely, suggest, or beg me to keep or change a hair style.
🙎♂️Mike Zimmerman: 16. As for commitment ultimatums, just address numbers 1 through 15 on this list, then we'll talk.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: what commitment? I'm just a stranger on the internet to you.
Over and out!
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