Chris Kula is a comedy writer in Los Angeles
He wrote a rant that became a meme years ago. I'm just getting around to mangling it now.
In January 2007, Cian Kelliher copy-pasted it around the Dublin office of the Ernst & Young professional services firm. He was leaving the next day, and thought this was a jolly good joke.
It wasn't. And then it spread beyond that environment, going full meme.
🙃Chris Kula: The Farewell Email
This entry was written by Kula and posted on August 22, 2005 at 6:11 am and filed under Everyday.
One might hope that the Monday morning following a long weekend of travel might be a chance to ease back slowly into the dull gray world of Day Job mediocrity.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: And then there are those who are happy with our employment.
🙃Chris Kula: But when that morning is rife with backed-up emails written in office-y doublespeak, Post It note “reminders” placed on one’s monitor for maximum passive aggression, and nary a word of “Welcome back” or “How was your trip?”, one might be tempted to send an email such as the one below.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Well maybe people are really sick of vacation story after vacation story from one another. You came back alive and well enough to work, so there's something to be thankful about.
🙃Chris Kula: Feel free to copy, paste, and “Save as Draft” for a rainy day - OF RECKONING.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: You just encouraged people to turn this into a meme, and they did. The really sad thing is that your commenters totally applauded this going viral, and some perpetuated it themselves.
😏Cian Kelliher: My leaving letter:
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No, it's something you copy pasted and its original title is "The Farewell Email"
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: Dear Co-Workers,
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: As many of you probably know,
🙃Chris Kula: today
😏Cian Kelliher: tomorrow
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type
🙃Chris Kula: “Today
😏Cian Kelliher: "Tomorrow
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: is my last day.”"
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: This is going to be one of those annoying passive-aggressive snark-fests.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That's the trouble with people like you, expecting thanks for everything. Cry-babies.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Misinformation about what? What mistakes? Seems the mistake was hiring you in the first place.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: Over the
🙃Chris Kula: past three years,
😏Cian Kelliher: year and a half,
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Cute-attempt fail.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: If you thought your job was tedious, you should watch "The Worst Jobs In History".
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So you're not the shining star and center of the universe. Big deal. Welcome to the human race.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Still not cute. Droll.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, you didn't get personally thanked and praised enough, so you retaliate with personally directed zingers to various people. Nice...
🙃Chris Kula: To Rudy:
😏Cian Kelliher: To Caulfield:
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Tacky whiny sense of humor.
🙃Chris Kula: To Steven:
😏Cian Kelliher: To Mairead:
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Considering this is one big pile of written flatulence that stunk more and more as it proliferated.
I'm so glad actual flatulence can't turn into memes.
🙃Chris Kula: To Eileen:
😏Cian Kelliher: To Linda:
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “"email forwards."”
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Since this is actually one of them... How ironic.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: There's where you really suck. This was tacky and annoying from the start, but you have just downgraded it to exceedingly catty and inexcusable...!
🙃Chris Kula: To Felix:
I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he’ll come by.)
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: If you can afford to buy someone a watch, you're apparently not being underpaid, so your problem isn't so much working conditions as your ego getting in the way.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We’ll talk later.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Since you mentioned a dusty womb earlier, somehow I get the feeling this is another sex-related snip directed at another woman... You stink.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: What the heck is wrong with you?
1. You don't "soak up" women, good or bad.
2. Women don't soak things up. We are not sponges...
3. You should've stopped at sponge...
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Not according to all the drips who thought spreading this piece of dreck meme was worth while.
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: If they didn't kill you first...
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: Very truly yours,
🙃Chris Kula: Chris Kula
😏Cian Kelliher: Cian Kelliher
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Have a nice life...
🙃😏Chris Kula & 😏Cian Kelliher: PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the
🙃Chris Kula: burnt-out bar in the sub-basement of the bus station. Please do not stop by.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Why would anyone want to?
😏Cian Kelliher: Oden 5.30 tommorow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Nope.
The spreading of the letter around the firm and beyond caused upset, so Cian Kelliher had to make an apology, and assure everyone he didn't actually mean what was said in the letter.
😏Cian Kelliher: Hi Guys
Last Thursday I sent out a going away email. It was meant to be a joke email but I now realise that it has caused offence / upset and has been passed on to a wider audience than the intended recipients. The text was something I pulled off the Internet.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I've pulled off a joke at work successfully without resorting to spreading snarky memes. There was not a hint of an insult in it, and you know what? My boss thought it was hilarious.
But what the heck were you thinking?
😏Cian Kelliher: I apologise for any offence that I have caused. I regret that the email could adversely impact on the reputation / good name of Ernst & Young and my former colleagues. I wish to emphasis that none of the comments were meant to be taken seriously. I hold Ernst & Young and my former colleagues in the highest regard.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So, this really did boil down to a serious bout of brain-flatulence on your part. This thing wouldn't even fly as an April Fool's joke.
😏Cian Kelliher: If you have passed on the original email or shown it to anyone outside of the recipient list can you please also pass on this apology and refrain from futher forwarding of the mail.
Regards,
Cian Kelliher
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ah, that's good to see. You're not a troll, you just experienced a lapse in good judgment and made a big blunder. The apology and discouraging the further replication of the meme is great.
Now, as was suggested in one of the comments to the blog that posted the meme, I will try to come up with a counter letter.
Here goes.
Dear sir:
Words cannot express the pleasure it is to receive your farewell letter, so it is only fair to return it.
For the duration of your employ at this company, you never demanded a raise or complained about your salary, while unceasing in your quest for praise and gratitude, and tireless in your efforts to impress on us the sheer magnitude of your importance. There is little need for words of gratitude for your job performance since you have said enough for everyone. It takes a special kind of person to be important. It takes a very special kind to know it and be nice about it. I only ask that should we pass on the street, that you do not demand thanks from me for that.
During your employment at this company, you managed to construct the biggest shoulder-chip, tear down others ideas, build up an atmosphere of tension, faithfully stop by a supervisor's desk each day with complaints, and write your name on every item of food stuff to be found in the building.
But you want thanks, so here you go.
Thank you for sparing us as many kind words as you could.
Thank you for sharing your opinions on more than we could ask for, and most of the time, did not ask for.
Thank you for managing to turn anything that was originally no one's fault, into being someone's fault other than your own.
Thank you for farting up your cubical and giving us only two choices - pretend it didn't stink, or accept you putting the blame on someone else.
Thank you for fixing our work equipment so that only you could use it effectively.
Thank you for scolding other workers about forwarded emails when you have done so yourself, right up to your final snide email.
Thank you for your amazing sensitivity and tact, showing your contempt for women who have never or have not in a long time, given birth.
Thank you for giving us every reason never to re-hire you or recommend you to any other company.
Thank you for threatening to kill yourself before applying for work here again. That does not mean we want you dead. It only means we are reassured you will not be coming back.
Sincerely
Ocean Elf
Mission HQ
P.S. Don't call us, we'll call you.
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