Presenting for your entertainment:
The Chain Letter Child!
"Hi, I'm Amy. No, Jessica, No, Jessie. No, Rachel. No, Tamara - wait, it's Kayla! What was my last name again? Bruce? No, I think it was Anderson or Arlington. No, it was Winslet No, sorry, it was Mydek - no, it's Martin - no, sorry, that was two weeks ago.It's Whightman now! I'll keep acquiring new names in order to do my best at keeping ahead of the hoax radar so that anyone hoping to prove anything won't be able to search me out on any hoax-busting site! Darn Truth Or Fiction and others always seem to catch on way too quickly as it is!
My name is Amy Amanda Alexandra Jessica Jessie Kayla Lanisha Nathalie Nikisha Rachel Tamara Anderson Arlington Bruce Mydek Jackson Johnson Martin Whightman. Winslet.
I'm also the kid who goes missing every two weeks for the past ten years, just call me Brown...Penny Brown.
And the same one who keeps coming down with some rare fictional condition that gives me only six months to live. In that form, I like to call myself Rachel Arlington, Jessica Mydek, Amy Bruce and many others. When I decide to be Rachel
I'm ten month years old.
As Kayla Wightman I am a teenager.
As Jessica Mydek I am 7.
I started out as 7 year old Amy Bruce with tumors caused by beatings and then go on to tell you that the people who beat me now suddenly want me to live, and only your forwarded emails can save me.
Whenever I decide to change my identity, I change my story a little as well to make you think you are saving many children by passing on chain letters.
Sometimes I want you to be sorry for me because of a brain cancer called leukaemia.
Other times I am afflicted with severe ostriopliosis of the liver, a fictional condition that I tell you has inflamed my liver and left me in extreme agony.
Since 1996, I am Sometimes a scared little three year old girl named Misty or Sarah, with large frightened eyes, and I tell you that I think I am ugly and stupid. My father beats me to death every night. I get beaten every time I get passed around in a poem written by Misty Nicole Ramsey, and my only purpose is to depress you with images of child abuse and all the children you didn't save who died like I do.
And I'm Chad Carter, and I live on a news satire and spoof web site called the onion. My story is that I'm dying and I'm draining a wish-granting charity of all their money by wishing for more wishes.
I've been pulling the six months to live stunt for the past decade at least, and people still buy into it.
I'm also the dead girl who sometimes threatens to kill you if you refuse to pass on a chain letter, then you can call me Amanda, or Bloody Mary.
I can change my gender at will, so I might revisit you again as Matt Dawson, Jeff DeLeon, Rhyan Desquetado, or Christopher John Mineo JR and try to make you do what I want.
I'll sometimes take on the role of any sad or angelic child in the poems and essays of other people to do it; even if these writers didn't give me permission and they are stripped of their proper credit as the author.
The best way I know to get people passing on chain email is by threatening to die if they don't, and by telling them they are heartless if they refuse.
I'm also every poor child from the bogus site medicaladoptions.com. This site tops Toby Rabbit and Bonzai kitty by a thousand miles for deliberately stirring up outrage over fictional situations.
Medical adoptions says that us poor kids want to be adopted and that they are placing us with families who want to use us as organ donors in the event they ever need them. Yes, we are being sold for our organs.
We are the kids from the Platinum Package.
I am a 15 year old orphan named Natia Budzianowski from the country of Georgia and I was sexually exploited for years.
I am 17 year old Kristof Gorbodon from the Czech Republic. I was born during unrest and never knew my family and don't want to. I'm very good with my hands and very caring and I want to be a male nurse.
I am 11 year old Masha Gorbechova from Russia. My mom died in childbirth and my father died in an industrial accident 6 years ago. I like to play with dolls. I want a loving family to help me learn to take baths and take my antibiotics when I donate my organs.
I'm 12 year old Vladimir Corbu from Romania. I am the bastard child, (yes, the web site says it in so many words,) of an alleged military serviceman and a working class factory mother. I don't remember a world where families were the norm. I love to read and especially color books in different languages.
We are the Gold Package.
I am 8 year old Meagan Lin from North Korea. I'm a precious angel who was born during war and bounced around through many factories because of the benevolence and kindness of the state sponsors, but I dream of a family that I can give myself to.
I'm 11 year old Xian Ne Cha from China. Please call me Shena. I don't know where my parents are. I'm sick of rice. I want pasta.
I'm 16 year old John Lee from China. I'm a strong, strapping, handsome boy, and one of the very few males available for adoption from China, because of my severe learning disabilities and lack of thumbs. But I have a limited command of the English language. I love pets and want to learn more about cooking, cleaning, and being a faithful household servant.
I'm 9 year old Syung-Soo Yoo from South Korea. I was rescued by customs agents during "mule" work in 2006. I'm living happily in a not so run down home in the suburbs of Seoul. I've learned how to knit, weave, assemble small parts onto toys and various other items, and look forward to learning the skills of coloring and hugging a loving parent. But I'm living happily where I am, so don't want to move to a different country and away from everything I know.
I'm 14 year old Muriel Hu from Singapore. My mom is an infamous criminal but that's because Singapore makes breathing the wrong way a crime. The state is looking for her and offering a reward. I am a "genuinely gendered" person, despite the prevalence of those who live otherwise in Singapore, and would enjoy a family situation where I can maintain my gender, regardless of what other conditions are placed upon me. Don't ask me to explain that because I have no idea myself.
We are the Bronze Package kids.
I'm 14 year old Maria Garcia from Paraguay. I lived on the family farm but lost my parents in a flood last year. I wasn't an orphan for very long, so I'll quickly assimilate back into a traditional family unit. and don't worry! I am very pretty for my young age! I enjoy reading the Bible, darning my undergarments, and arranging flowers from anything that grows locally.
I'm 6 year old Angela Garciapara from Mexico. I don't know anything about my family or background, but I am a dedicated Catholic, already baptized and well on my way to confirmation. I have thick, dark hair, and flawless kidneys.
I am 9 year old Jorge Gorda from Colombia. I don't know if my parents are involved in regional conflicts, but I like to play with toy guns.
I am 13 year old Jesus De La Cruz from Panama. I'm from a small fishing village less than twenty-miles from the famous transcontinental canal. I am a good boy and wish to learn to paint or sculpt.
I'm 11 year old Mario Gutierrez from Mexico. I was picked up along with my mom in a failed border-crossing attempt. You see, my mom got a urinary tract infection, and tried to get to Arizona for some health coverage. She died weeks later in state custody. Now I ended up in the care of a Catholic orphanarium.
We are the kids from the Onyx Pricing Package!
BEST VALUE!
I'm 5 year old Abbhu Mbutu from Zambia. My village was burned down and I've been living in terrible conditions in a minimum-security orphanage. But I'm an avid drummer with a strong natural sense of rhythm and harmonics. And I know all about harmonics at five years of age, aren't I something?
I'm 2 year old Bngu Hjritnun from Niger. I'm sweet, little, and I have perfect health even though it's clear I got no parents. I have uncommonly big lips but if you adopt me, that won't rub off on you and some people like my big lips for personal reasons.
I'm 8 year old Amarosya Krubizik from Mozambique. I'm a curiously masculine girl and I have strong bones, and would like nothing more than to share my blood and/or marrow with a gracious, loving family member. If you're looking for the loving contribution of scarcer tissues, I may be an ideal child to introduce into your family, assuming a tissue match can be made.
I'm 6 year old Mriko Adomgono from Zimbabwe. I became a lost child after an internet crackdown in 2003. I took to the streets where I lived on petty crime and lesser fraud and remember I'm only six years old! Anyway, I did that until I was taken in by a family of grifters or was that drifters? Anyway, they supported me but I was too much of a drain on their pocket book so they left me on my own again. I love magic, illusion, and all sorts of slight of hand tricks, and may make a good living some day as a street performer, even if I lose some of my internal organs.
I'm 19 year old Zroto "Jacob" Ngunu from Zimbabwe. I know I'm in the waning seconds of adoption opportunity because I'm only 2 years away from being a legal adult in the US and already an adult in Canada. But I've never worked in the sex-trade or consumed so much as a snoot of alcohol or illicit drug. I have a solid constitution, perfect health, and never had Malaria or West Nile virus, despite near constant exposure to mosquitoes. I am very strong and more than six feet tall. I would love to work on any number of odd jobs around my new home, but time is running out for me to get adopted.
Some of the fictional parents who bought a few of us say:
"I couldn't get to the top of the donor list because of medical situations I live with, so I went through these guys instead, and in less than a month I had a beautiful, new daughter, and the exact intestines I needed to live out the rest of my life. We're the best of friends now, and she's attending community college here in town."
David G. – Palm Beach, Florida.
"Even though I'm in good health, I have a number of health risks and can't face the risks of long donor lists. My young son from Uzbekistan is smart, ambitious, loving, and young enough that I'm sure to be safe until he turns 18 in 2022."
Micah J. – Medina, Washington
"My husband and I can't have a child of our own any more than he could grow a new gal bladder, but since his spleen was already gone, our options were limited. A friend recommended this company, and within just two months we had a loving baby to fix our lives forever."
Dory J. – Aspen, Colorado.
I like to pack the hardest emotional wallop as possible so you'll think I might be for real, and I can continue to sadden people with my sob stories.
That way, I can indulge in my favorite passtime, calling insults, fooling and mega-guilt-tripping people into passing on my completely fictional life and death story! You see, I get a big charge out of accusing everybody of not caring about children whenever they fail to pass on a smarmy chain letter to bring tears to the eyes of all their contacts all over the internet!
And the best part?
I've been getting away with this for years! Scott free!
I like to see others take the heat for both being gullible, and for not being gullible, and nobody has ever been able to catch me yet!
Dipsy forwarder falls into their tissue box, believing every one of my malarkey sad tales.
Forwarder spams all their contacts.
Maybe one or two contacts actually have enough sense not to believe it, and the honesty to set their poor manipulated friend straight.
Forwarder gets mad at the debunker for being insensitive, or maybe just because the forwarder is embarrassed at having been made a fool of.
Debunker gets mad at the forwarder for being a twit, and then for trying to excuse their folly.
Forwarder eventually stops emailing debunker because forwarder would rather go on believing in chain letters and passing them on without having their sad heroic illusions about themselves and chain letters, shattered.
So, did I make you cry?
Or did I just make you mad?
Did I make you mad at your foolish friends?
Or did I make you mad at the person or people who told you you've been had?
Hahahahahahaha!"
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