This viral is a true writing, and written as a FB note with the best of intentions by Gerald Rogers. I'll just revise it to include the opposite gender since he's on about how husbands should treat their wives, but I believe this stuff goes both ways and applies to both genders. So where he talks about her, there will be 'her/him' where he put man, I'll put 'man/woman' etc.
And because he did have the best intentions when writing this, I won't give it an all out mangle. But there were cringe-worthy things that made me twitch and I had to insert a few comments.
Here goes.
MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
By Gerald Rogers
🤔Gerald Rogers: Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had...
1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman or man for granted. When you asked her/him to marry you, you promised to be that man/woman that would OWN HER/his HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE/he CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her/his heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife/husband. Keep that space always ready to receive her/him and invite her/him in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE/he DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her/his heart, she/he may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her/his love just as you did when you were courting her/him.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I agree with the basic idea, but not the falling in love over and over, fighting to win their love, as love is forever and shouldn't have to be fought for, won, or rekindled. Either true love is there or it isn't. And there are ways to lose a person's love. but I won't get into that here, yet.
I think this actually goes more to not taking each other for granted, and remaining faithful to one's spouse.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her/him. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man/woman on earth to be have this woman/man as your wife/husband.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER/him… your job is to love her/him as she/he is with no expectation of her/him ever changing. And if she/he changes, love what she/he becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Agreed up to a certain point. What if you marry someone and find out their whole life is a lie? You have every right to get out while you still can. I wouldn't stay with a guy who married me and then it came out that he was a polyamorist, or some kind of violent criminal. If he flipped out after we were married and did something sadistic, including writing hate letters to families with special needs kids, I would be right to leave him, because these are the ways a person can lose the love of a spouse, even a good spouse.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife/husband’s job to make you happy, and she/he CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife/husband If YOU get frustrated or angry at her/him, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman/man because she/he was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her/him, and you will wonder why you ever were.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I only agree somewhat. I don't buy into this bit about your childhood emotions spilling over onto your marriage and that person triggers stuff needing to be heald. There are times when the spouse makes you angry and it is the spouse's fault and nothing to do with triggers. However, I do agree, don't blame her/him for your anger when you are being unreasonable about it. Don't yell at her/him as if they're to blame when your computer goes on the blink.
🤔Gerald Rogers: Allow your woman/man to JUST BE. When she/he’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER/him and let her/him know it’s ok. Let her/him know that you hear her/him, and that she/he’s important and that you are that pillar on which she/he can always lean. The feminine as well as masculine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her/his emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she/he will trust you and open her/his soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE/he’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her/him know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she/he is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her/him laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: if s/he isn't a laughy person, don't worry. When s/he is laughing, share in it - unless of course, whatever your spouse is laughing at is offending you or you just don't get what's so funny. I mean, don't fake it or try too hard to be funny either. But yes, being silly and goofing around, making each other laugh and laughing with them is definitely a very good thing when it happens.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 10) FILL HER/his SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her/his love languages and the specific ways that she/he feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her/him to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her/him feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her/him feel like a queen/king.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Huh? *Snicker* sorry, but now you're just getting way too cheesy! I haven't even made up such a list for myself and have no intention to, let alone for anybody else to memorize and try making happen for me. I have no wish to feel like a queen nor the desire to make anyone else feel like a king or queen either. I know your intent is good, really, I do. but - ugh, not for me.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 11) BE PRESENT. Give her/him not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her/him you are fully WITH HER/him. Treat her/him as you would your most valuable client. She/He is.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER/him SEXUALLY, to carry her/him away in the power of your masculine/feminine presence, to consume her/him and devour her/him with your strength, and to penetrate her/him to the deepest levels of her/his soul. Let her/him melt into her/his feminine/masculine softness as she/he knows she/he can trust you fully.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Ewww! TMI! Bleckh! I did not see this one coming!
First of all, this soul stuff. You don't get deep into people's souls with sex - soul has to do with the spirit and sex is purely physical. Though a pleasant physical experience can lift the spirit, I'll give you that much.
Next, get rid of all this gender bias stuff. actually, I did that for you in the above. Lose the 'masculine = strength' and 'feminine = melty softness' thing. Well balanced people of either gender have both qualities. as for this whole consuming/devouring stuff, just Ewwww, ugh! Again, not for me!
🤔Gerald Rogers: 13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she/he. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: And learn from the ones your spouse makes too.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 14) GIVE HER/him SPACE… The woman/man is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she/he will need to be reminded to take time to nurture her/himself. Sometimes she/he will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her/his soul, and if you give her/him that space she/he will come back with new songs to sing….
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Urgh! *Unable to help rolling eyes* If you were some anonymous twerp, I'd tell you to knock it off already. In no uncertain terms. Not meaning to seem impolite or insensitive, but - ugh - this is really CHEESY!
🤔Gerald Rogers: (okay, getting a little too poetic here,
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: A little? Poetic? Try gushy.
🤔Gerald Rogers: but you get the point.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yes, which applies to every human being to more or less of a degree.
🤔Gerald Rogers: Tell her/him to take time for her/himself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She/he needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find her/himself after she/he gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: yes, this applies to husbands too, not just wives.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her/him in when you don't know i she/he will like what she/he finds... Part of that courage is allowing her/him to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her/him, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: that can turn out incredibly great, or incredibly bad if you end up putting your trust in someone who turns out to be the wrong person who stabs you in the back.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Stagnant pond, malaria, flowing stream, fresh and cool, okay, that is poetic analogy nicely done.
🤔Gerald Rogers: 18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she/he makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands/wives whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men/women may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him/her and he/she will learn to be the man/woman his lady/man has been waiting for.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Sharing AKA reposting/forwarding - uh, not so much, but that's just me.
🤔Gerald Rogers: The woman/man that told him/her 'I do', and trusted her/his life with him/her, has been waiting for this man/woman to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN/women- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman/man deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband/wife your wife/husband can’t help but brag about.
--
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: the end.
Over and out.
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