Last Exit To Eden - Amanda Marshall
Beautiful Goodbye - Amanda Marshall
This is a letter I wrote to someone after a month-and-a-half long experience she turned into an ordeal of internet drama. I've since rebuilt the community she destroyed, and found out some additional things which I will include my reactions to in here as well, things that changed my mind about giving her another chance down the road. I originally said there was a possibility of that in the future. Not any more.
She will never feel any real regret, only self-pity and bruised ego, because she got beaten at her own game, and she gets no restarts with me.
--
Melissa:
You wanted deep and serious, and now this Elf is going to give it to you in spades.
You thought you had various traits in common with me, well, other than a sweet tooth and a wicked sense of humor, no, you do not.
You D't really know or understand me as well as you think you do.
You thought you and I were on the same page about being misunderstood and dismissed by other people online.
Not really.
Unlike you, it takes a lot more than an innocent one-liner reply to actually make me offended enough to consider that disinterest or indifference, unless that reply is actually rude in some way - which your last private email to me, was...
Unlike me, you actually get offended at short responses that are not rude, and what you call "fluff" and you actually ditch people over that.
And then you whinge about nobody understanding you, everybody deserting you.
Unlike you, I D't go around calling people my friends only to crap out on them; not without a damn good reason.
But I make mistakes too, and the first one was letting my guard down with you, letting you in. I took a gamble, hoping something permanently good might come out of it, but I also knew there was an unfortunate possibility it would turn out to be a colossal waste of time, energy, and emotional health.
(This next paragraph in ~s no longer applies.):
~What it turns out to be in the future, will depend entirely on you, and I'll explain that at the close of this, the last letter I will ever write to you unless certain conditions are met. Do not write me back today. Do not write me back at all until you are good and ready to repair the damage you caused. and start over, this time, on my terms.~
(There will be no starting over for her with me or the friends I made on her list, people she really caused trouble for in the past, more than once. Continuing on.)
Melissa, I have no idea if anyone has ever dared to tell you off about your behaviour, but if not, it's about time someone did.
Your last crappy private email to me was a very bad move; threatening to pull the plug on the list again and finally doing so, after all the friendship your listers showed you, was downright trashy!
If what you did to us is the way you treat people, it's no wonder you can't keep friends, other than whoever indulges you because they share exactly the same deep interests or problems and nothing else - or they are just too soft for their own good, and suckers for punishment, or else stupid.
It wouldn't hurt and anger so much if you had simply been all demanding for attention and sympathy; then I would not have allowed myself to let my guard down and risk any development of any kind of meaningful attachment to you. I wish I hadn't. If I'd known beforehand you would pull this crap, not only that, but what I found out about you since, I would not have shared anything about my personal life with you beyond what was said on list. I am glad I remained cautious enough to share so little and fudged enough of it so you'll never know what's solid truth and what isn't.
But for a while, you showed a beautiful, warm supportive side that got you endeared to everyone on our now deleted list. You showed me a vulnerable side that made me want to help you. You showed a fun-loving side that made me want to hang around, and it lifted my spirits many times. You actually made us list members really start to care about you, and I mean everyone on the list, including those you later told me you did not even like.
But then when you got me befriended, you were working on some devious plan I wasn't aware of. Your agenda was to take over the list from S1) and turn it into your own. Not with you and S1 as both list owners, but with you as owner and me as your co-moderator.
Once you were sure enough that you had my trust and friendship, you changed.
You constantly created drama and stress just when things started coasting along nicely, on list as well as private email.
You made it very confusing to figure out just where your list members were at with you. Were we coming or going? What might someone say next that could unwittingly set you off and make you have a conniption about wording or an idea? You were extremely unpredictable and moody, and you didn't even try to improve. You demanded everyone else put up with you, and you were so passive-aggressive about it.
You hurled way too much of that crap at me the first fight you started the day you made me a mod on your list. Since then, I was afraid you might keep causing drama, but gave you the benefit of the doubt, hoping you would finally be happy with S1 out of the owner role, B gone after you fought over wording and caused her to leave, and eventually R2.
Unfortunately, you made sure the doubt won out. You did nothing to banish it in the first place, your incessant mercurial behaviour only made it increase.
When you decide to like someone for as long as you need to at any particular time, you can be a sweet girl, but when you D't get your own way, you act even worse than R2, and on par with Maheen. First B found that out, then I did.
You might as well know it isn't just B and me you hurt. One person was sad it ended like that, but was just as baffled by your behaviour as the rest. Someone else said what ended up happening was very sad, but not a surprise, and that you could be a really nice person if you tried. And another person encouraged me to send you a letter telling you how I feel, and I quote: "Let her have it." The dismay and disbelief you caused is that bad.
If you want a friend, BE ONE! And do it consistently and unconditionally. No more head-gaming or bullying!
Friends D't bitch at their friends with crap like what you wrote in the email quoted below.
On Nov 29, 2018, at 2:46 PM, Melissa firefly7612@gmail.com wrote:
I guess I'll let you join with that address. I feel obligated to let you talk about what you want even though other people have actual serious issues.
--
D't take that snotty condescending crap attitude with me! My job is a damn serious enough issue! My parents' health? Ruddy damn serious! To imply otherwise, that I D't care about "serious issues" is ruddy freaking insulting!
Friends D't test their friends just to see if they'll stick around.
Friends D't try to make friends choose between them or another friend.
Friends D't pressure their friends into leaving a list to prove they aren't traitors just to get their own way.
Friends D't pick fights with friends as soon as some drama dies down.
Friends D't say "I really like/trust you" one day and say "you can talk about what you want but others actually care about REAL SERIOUS ISSUES and other such judgmental, condescending, insulting crap the next!
Friends D't call their friends "not supportive enough" especially over something as frivolous and mundane as mailing list topics.
Friends D't consider or threaten to "cut ties" with people just because they D't talk "deep/serious" enough talk for them...
Friends D't power-trip.
You did all of these, and as long as you keep it up, you will consistently fail at friendship.
And this one's for me:
Friends D't let friends push them around.
I tiptoed around and coddled you far too long. We all did.
No more!
I will not put up with head-gamers who intend to be friends one day and use me as a verbal punching bag the next. I'm referring to that email above, any and all suddenly angry or accusatory private emails you sent me in among the super sweet ones, all the fights you caused with other list members on list, and privately with me.
And D't even think of playing the "You D't understand/care because I'm different" or because of your disorders. That is bull and has nothing to do with it and I will not stand for any of that self-pity, attempted guilt-tripping garbage, or excuses. You behave badly, you know it, and it's up to you to change it.
You lost the list and made me angry because you were simply being a jerk, and your own worst enemy.
This stops now!
Since you expressed such insecurities and made it clear you had an utterly hellish past full of abuse of any and all kinds, we were all trying our best to not offend you and give you an excuse to go
"Nope! Not deep enough!" "You worded that wrong!" "You are being judgmental!" "You hurt my feelings!" "This is a serious deep issue and your post was too short so you D't get it and that means you just D't care about me and my difficulties!"
I went way above and beyond what most netizens would've De for you or anyone else; not to mention putting up with your constant up and down, up and down.
S1, with my urging on your behalf, gave up the list for you, and no other two people would do that for you or anyone else.
That was my next mistake, and an especially regrettable one.
I only did that because I was sorry enough for you because of your hellish past and delicate conditions they caused. I also felt obligated because you had been so supportive and kind toward me when I wandered into (S1's list, worried and emotional over my Mom's hospital visit, and upset over another disappointing internet community.
You caught me in a vulnerable moment and you must've known it. After all, you said you were good at reading people...
Were it not for those factors, I would've told you to get a life, emailed S1, warning him about you, and gotten him to remove you instead. That is what I should have De!
Adding to these factors was that you flat out pressured me into it.
You threatened to leave if S1 made me a mod. So I had no choice but quickly throw myself off the list before either one of you could make me a mod.
Why?
Well, because I didn't want to choose between you two, and didn't want to lose either of you as friends!
WOW! Imagine that! What a novel concept!
Just try and show me anyone else who would've De that for you...!
you gave both S1 and me an ugly ultimatum.
For S1, it was to choose between you and me. To choose you by deposing himself, or choose me by making me a moderator and you a member so you could just leave, and cry about how we were all fluffers who didn't care about you.
For me, it was to choose between you and S1 as friends. If I accepted S1's proposal to make me a moderator, you said you would leave, and then you started this ugly stupid email fight, accusing me of turning against you.
It was me who lost out that night, thanks to you.
I threw myself off the list so neither of you would have the chance to give me mod status. I did that to avoid you badgering either me or S1 about it any more. But that didn't stop you. You made me believe you were leaving the list anyway, and continued fighting with me via private email.
S1 wrote me, concerned about what was going on, wondering if I was okay, or mad at him.
I couldn't even tell him anything beyond that I was not angry with him. Because of you, I didn't dare.
I had to spend so much time trying to tell you that being a list mod didn't make me a traitor to either one of you.
But that wasn't enough. You wanted him out, and you would not be satisfied until I talked him into resigning so you could bring me back and make me a mod. A mod, mind you, not a co-owner. I found that very suspicious but said nothing so as not to make waves. At least, I thought, however twisted this was, maybe, just maybe that would prove to you that we were your friends.
Oh, then at some point the next day, you finally admitted you hadn't left the list at all, nor did you even demote yourself from owner to member as you had threatened to do.
Wow!
My being forced out and subjected to an email fight that robbed me of a good night's sleep was so needless. Thank you so very much for that! NOT!
You never wanted to be just a list member, not really. You only said that to S1 when he wanted to make me a mod, so you could pull the "You like her/him better than me! I'm leaving!" thing if S1 went through with making me a mod. You played up the whole insecurity thing with me so that I would act, and depending on what I did would mitigate any conclusion you might jump to about us, however wrong-headed it would be. Or so you must have hoped.
You had some nerve and no justification putting him or me under that pressure.
What a real list owner would've De is to let all three of us be list mods. You say a list doesn't need three mods. Who cares? Yes, some really busy lists actually do need that many mods. Besides, we were supposed to be (list title), and you just kept undermining that idea right from the start.
You just flat out wanted S1 off the list, and not just off the owner status. You wanted him out of the picture, completely, and for the most stupid, self-serving reason, I might add! That eventually came out once B and R2 were off the list because of you. You sure tried your damnedest to use me for that purpose, probably as one of your stupid friendship tests, the same damn crap you pulled when you got S1 to give up the list for you. It was always "It's me, or S1!" with you. You couldn't stand me being friends with you both and you didn't give a damn if he ended up with no friends at all!
That had to be it or else you would've been more than happy with all three of us as list mods.
I was supposed to feel for you, be sorry for you, understand you, and this lead up to: do everything you wanted me to do...because you were the one with all the deep serious issues and the worst life experience than everyone else put together!
And maybe part of you was totally laughing it up the whole time, for all I know. "Oh, cute little Elf, she seems to be the warmest and most passionate here, let's just see what we can all get her to do!"
You also knew that apart from S1 and R1, I was new, so didn't know anyone else, and you took full advantage of that. So my becoming friends with anyone else could really threaten our relationship if you mistreated me, not to mention your influence as a list owner if I flatly refused to cooperate with you on anything.
You proved all that by canceling the list.
I think you wanted to keep owner status so you could wield absolute power over the member base so you could hit us over the head with threats of canceling the list whenever you didn't get your way. That way, we might all kowtow to you for fear of having our whole community yanked. That has to be it... You had that list in a strangle-hold, and you were fairly good at disguising that under a facade of playfulness and pleasantness whenever you felt like bantering with us, but that darkness was always looming beneath. You even said as much. Did you think that was going to mold us all into model pupils in your Deep Serious 101 class?
I signed up for real support and friendship, not lectures on psych and pain under an angsty list owner who can't keep her damn crap together.
Nevertheless, against my better judgement, I even stuck around and gave you another chance after that big fight you started with me the night S1 gave up the list, then the one after that when you made me a moderator. A fight you started for no good reason, probably just another of your stupid friendship tests
"Let's push Elf away and see if she sticks around."
If I didn't, and just stormed off the list, giving you full control as the list owner, would you have liked that?
S1 wrote you and me the morning after you made me a mod and he was understandably feeling down, like a failure. Neither of us wanted that going to the list, but your reason was selfish. You said it would drag the list down.
Hah! Oh sure, and you are totally innocent of that!
You had no problem dragging the list down, you just didn't want anyone else to do it.
That pain post you made set off a discussion of unhappy, and sent me offline in a funk until that miserable thread finally died down.
S1's being down was justified. He was talked, by a good friend no less, into resigning to a person who didn't even like him, that would be you.
You, on the other hand, just seemed to want people to think about pain, to feel pain, to feel crappy. To feel crappy about your pain.
I go online because I want to make and keep friends, and relieve or get away from my stress, not add to it.
S1 and I go back a long way and he has always been a good friend to me. I do not feel superior or entitled to more sympathy, and am not into contests over who has the most painful past or difficult life, as you appear to be.
All your complaints about his non-deep posts worried me, but I went along with you to avoid your sudden anger and observe, to learn for myself what tweaked you, so I could try to avoid offending you with posts that you might judge as being too much like his, or "all about me" as you once accused in the past, and went on to accuse someone else later.
After that wringer you put us through during the whole process of list ownership change, there was no telling what might set you off. I loved the kind and humorous part of you. We all did. But this nasty, unpredictable side, not so much!
I apologized to S1 for the raw deal I helped you give him, much to my regret and remorse, ashamed of myself for stooping that low out of sympathy for you.
I did my best to make it up to him by putting him on another email list.
I believe there were somethings about me that you really liked, but you also wanted me to be something I am not. You wanted me to be interested in all your "deep serious" no matter how depressing or just not that interesting they were to me.
Just exactly what was I supposed to say to that listical post you made on various things people with your issues say when they are not feeling fine?
"So, are you off today, Melissa, or surviving?" "Are you not okay, or not feeling well and why shouldn't I worry about it?"
You said you wanted topics that encourage discussion. Love to break it to you, but stuff like that just doesn't.
And that horrible pain post, ugh! That was worth about 50 R2 sympathy-garnering downers!
If I had posted "My will to live has just been stamped out." Would that have satisfied you?
"Thanks for ruining my online day." Oh, heck no, that would've been so utterly selfish of me!
What I actually posted in response was just as honest, but there are only so many times a person can be expected to keep repeating that. I was in no mood to stick around and read through the rest of that quagmire of depressing from those who participated with their own complaints about their painful pasts. Yes, it happened, yes, it's horribly unfortunate it happened, no, it never should've happened, yes, it sucked, sorry I couldn't have stopped it, sorry I couldn't rewind and make everybody else's lives better, without all that hell........................!!!!!!!!!!!!! But you can't change it, and you do have the rest of your life to make it up to yourself.
And here's a big hint - you D't do that by ditching people the way you have.
You totally had no problem being uninterested and even disgusted about things I was doing or talking about online.
So that always made your "You and me are so alike!" emails hard to believe. I knew you wanted the bit of me you liked, plus something more that I could never be for you.
Excuse me for passions that are different from yours, passions that make me want to bust lies from hoaxers and trolls on the internet!
Because everybody knows they aren't "serious" and never do anybody any harm - AT ALL! And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. Troll is another name for online bully!
then, I've found out even more shocking revelations about you VS. B, becoming friends with her, and she has proven a much better friend than you ever could hope to be. I put honest effort into being friends, and that's what I get back. You complained about her not sharing, well, I D't have that complaint. And now I can see why. People who D't share with you are wise, because all you doo is chew them up and spit them out. I found that out the hard way.
You pressured her to share things like phone number and other personal information, and you got mad when she would not.
It was actually she who was being bullied by none other than yourself on yet another email list. And that makes you particularly despicable. You and a couple of other women made her feel small on some other list over something sensible she does, and you and your friend ganged up all over her because of it. You and the same two other girls you once complained to me about, one as being a know-it-all, and the other, who, according to you, talked tough. You just D't like anybody for long.
As for all the bull I had to pretend to agree with when you ranted about her. What you didn't know was that I was actually applying everything you said about her to you and those other girls who ganged up on B, and some other drama queen on a writing list. I just had to be careful to replace your name with theirs before hitting send.
Then you got mad at R2 for talking about the pain in his life in a discussion you started. You accused him of making it all about himself.
What did you want? Everyone to throw you a continual pity party? "Oh, poor Melissa. We are so sorry for you." "Poor Melissa. Your life experiences were surely far sadder and worse than any of ours put together." "Poor Melissa, everyone was horrible to you and we're all sorry sorry sorry!" "Are you okay today Melissa?" "Are you really okay or are you just saying that? Excuse me, I'll consult the listical again." "Oh, no! How come are you feeling a little off?" "Is it something we did?" "We are sorry, Melissa!"
Considering your behaviour over the month I spent on a mailing list with you, that is how it looks from here.
You claimed you cared about "my "issues". Right... Maybe so, as long as they had something to do with sharing painful memories that I've put behind me and would just like to not dwell on, and are, frankly, nobody's business.
Sorry, my dear, but I am doing all I can to deal with my present day concerns, here and now... It isn't healthy to dwell on the miserable parts of the past, at least, not for me. You might enjoy wallowing in discussions about a zillion ways to make a child's life hell, and getting other people to ponder over that as well, but I do not!
I am not going to let anyone drag me down into a constant state of depression over their past or any parts of my own.
I have a healthy way of coping with baggage that not only makes me feel better, but can do the same for others too. Music and Writing stories are ways to work out my emotions. And I know you won't care and will probably blow a fuze again when you see this, but mangling memes is an aspect of my writing that allows me to vent at attitudes that tick me off, expose the mindset of online bullies, and maybe help anyone reading to avoid getting taken in by them. Something else this activity does is RELIEVE STRESS!
To a small degree, you were mad at R2 for the same reason I was, annoyed at his angst and hogging the list limelight.
The difference being that I D't have sympathy for adults who act like small children.
You were just miffed because he was stealing your thunder. It wasn't your own "serious issues" hogging the limelight... You proved that, my girl, by your actions since, especially by deleting the list after all the members went through trying to please you.
So with R2 gone, you should've been happy to have a good list, with no trouble-makers on it, and friends who wanted to be just that - friends, not your scholars or your doormats.
But of course, you were not... You just had to cause more drama.
We tried to give you warm, pleasant, stress-free times to help you add to good memories and live in the moment, the current time. It was literally the only way we knew of to counteract all the pain you kept saying you had because of the past.
And this is what you did in return.
You insulted your own list members by accusing them of not being supportive enough for you when all we did was bend over backward trying to help you and be friends. I bit my tongue because I didn't want to upset you further and cause you to explode and delete the list.
I'm pretty sure that's why most other list members made their posts so short, when they didn't have something negative to rant about, like a favorite of yours, how childhood sucked because disability. You had everyone scared of pissing you off and turning them into your pick-on-project for the day.
When you were in a good mood - or, you pretended you were, doing the cyber-chocolates, stealing the chair interactions and all that fun stuff, posts increased, because for the time being, all was fine and no one was in danger of offending you, except when R2 put some risqué into things.
You did that "serious issues" nag&whinge and sulk one too many times, so by the time you finally decided the lot of us just weren't good enough for you and you deleted your list, I just didn't give a damn about it any more and wanted you out of my life.
See, if you were a real/true friend, you would not have De that! Any of it!
Instead, you would've liked us as people, for who we were, and you would've enjoyed hanging out with us.
I was so glad to have converted the original (Mangle The Memes) into another list where R1 and then S1 became members. I kept it for insurance, in case you might do something unreasonable and mean-spirited like zapping the "Supportive Friends" list away on the remaining members who didn't do you any wrong. Damned if I was going to let you take a good thing away from me or anyone else remaining after you chucked R2.
I'm sick of your contempt for what you call "fluff lists" and your blowing a thousand gaskets when I mention busting trolls, hoaxes and other memes.
You made it pretty clear you didn't care about anyone else's passions unless you could turn the discussion around to be about yourself. You kept demanding on list as well as in my private email that we talk about what you call "serious" and "deep" issues, which are really all about you. And you have the audacity to accuse anyone else of being childish and selfish, with making things "all about them"
Look in the damn mirror, pal!
For all your whinging about people "judging", you are so typical of people who do that - among the worst offenders. Everyone judges, and you are no different. When you decide to "cut ties" with people who won't do things your way, and those people didn't actually say or do anything that should offend you. When you delete a list because you're mad that people aren't talking deep issues enough, when you toss friendships away just like that, lickety-split, you are among the worst kind of judgmental, Melissa...
If this is too hard for you to take, just remember that it could have been so different if you hadn't pulled all this crap and tried to make everyone jump through zillions of hoops for you. If you had acted like a real friend, you could've avoided provoking all of these suspicions, feelings and ideas.
I held out hope that things would work out, but I had plenty of suspicions about your behaviour. But didn't let on. Unlike you, I didn't feel the need to say that reading people was my specialty or that I was even good at it. I just hoped you would prove my nagging suspicions wrong. In the end, you did not.
Here's how it looks from my end, This is you...whoever you are...
"I want S1 out. I D't have the time and energy to babysit him, I have deep issues! He doesn't. She might be the most deep and understanding person yet. She's sad about her parents' health issues and really seems to get what it's like being dismissed on the internet. I think I like her."
Back when I was a new list mod, I tried to humour you when you ranted about S1, to avoid offending you. My problem was R2, not S1.
But you defended R2, and always went back to your frustrations and ridiculously hurt feelings over S1's non-deep posts. I said "R2" you said "S1" every time.
By defending R2, you gave me the distinct impression that you and R2 were quite close. So in order to avoid trouble from you and potentially anyone else, I expended a lot of effort trying to appear cool with R2.
And then, that wasn't right by you either.
"Uh-oh, I must've defended R2 to Elf too strongly when I was trying to get her to get rid of S1. Things look too friendly, now I must really warn her about what he's like and maybe she'll listen to me and we can get rid of him too."
Only then did you tell me you and R2 had a history on another list that I didn't know about until you told me a little about it. And you only did that because you wanted me to have your back when you got rid of him.
Instead of defending him so hard to me when you were actually trying to get me to push S1 out, you should've told me the truth about R2 and we could've gotten rid of him much sooner. It would've saved me trying so hard to fit in and be nice to him because everyone else was.
"Well, that was a breeze, I knew Elf was uneasy with him before but had no idea how much she actually disliked him. This worked out great, the others on the list didn't like him either, so he's gone! Good! No more R2 Show!"
So, once R2 was out, you had a happy list, but you sure didn't want that now did you? You just had to create more drama and make demands you had no business making of people, starting with me.
"I've already told Elf I'm not as demanding as R2 is. I'll just toss her enough compliments and cyber-chocolate and maybe she'll believe me and keep doing what I tell her to do."
Think again...!
You were doing list banter and playful interaction games, but it was so obvious you were obsessing
"deep" "serious" "my difficulties" "my issues" "deep serious issues"
the whole time by the frequency of your "off" posts and every email to me where you mentioned thinking about canceling the list.
So then R2 was out, thank goodness.
But that still left one problem for you, S1. You couldn't get anyone to dislike him with you, and you were sure trying hard to make me go in that direction.
D't you even think of trying to deny it. It's so obvious to me that you D't like S1.
Once again, I bit my tongue, because I know how ultra sensitive you are.., and I didn't want you freaking out, tossing me off the list, or starting yet another stupid email fight.
But I would not toss S1 out.
You will never have me all to yourself; and you might as well know that I got really disgusted with you when you tried to get me to persuade S1 to actually leave the list altogether, because he wasn't "deep" enough for you, not the "right kind of person" for your list. Do you have any idea how freaking snobby/elitist that is? Do you envy him and others who haven't had the same hellish past as you that much? Do you think you are somehow more entitled to friendship because you keep claiming that your past was worse than his?
If so, that is utterly pathetic and it's high time you grew up!
I didn't share your opinion of S1 and never will.
"Oh crap, I can only get Elf to go so far, she still cares about S1 too much and won't toss him away for me. I can't kick him because he isn't a trouble maker and too good a friends with the others. He hasn't been through near as much bad stuff as me so I wish everybody would stop understanding him! It's me! ME! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Can't you people see that it's ME!?"
Not a pretty picture, but that is the impression you left, Melissa.
Nevertheless, I still didn't ditch you and run away.
I suggested putting S1 on no email to avoid any conflict between you and him. If you left the list anyway, I would have put him back on mail, and given him his list ownership back.
S1 may not talk deep discussions or participate as much in light-hearted list games like pillow fights, but he has been a far better friend to me than you have! He doesn't praise me one day and then flip out on me the next. He doesn't try pressuring me into doing things I D't really want to do. He doesn't try to make me choose between him and other friends.
That is why I turned (Mangle The Memes) into a new list for them, so he wouldn't be denied the community with the friends who he knows and likes, and who, unlike you, actually return the feeling because we actually do care about him. He can be quite a help with approving new messages when no one else is available to see to them right away.
I had a sneaking suspicion you might go megalo anyway, and you proved me right.
But you didn't win. You D't gain friends and allies by pushing them around and pushing them away.
I thought well ahead when you had that first out-of-the-blue email fight with me, and I set a plan in motion just in case you might end up doing exactly what you did.
So then you failed to get me to force S1 out.
Even if I had been heartless enough to actually do that for you, that wouldn't have been enough.
S1 or no S1, you still continued abusing your list owner status to insult and coerce your members into coddling you and your demands to talk about your obsession,
"deep serious" disorders, pain pain pain pain pain pain pain!"
You only took a few days to get right back to that again. In the mean time you were writing privately and plotting some more.
"Elf, you're the one I like and feel attached to out of all the others. I even trust you more than my other female friends. Whatever happens with the list, we'll always be friends."
I had my doubts about that, but held them back, waiting to see if you would prove what you claimed and make those doubts disappear, or if you would do exactly what you did and make them come out full force. Push me around some more, and delete the list over something stupid.
But I wrote you back a nice letter in reply. That was as cringe-worthy as having to write that silly drippy gushing apology email you forced me to write when you made me a list mod and then guilt-tripped me into tossing myself off the list. You didn't deserve a word of it and I was secretly sick of you from the day you made me co-owner of that sham of a supportive friends list.
So,, you must've been thrilled that I was right where you wanted me...
""Oh good, she's reciprocating, I wonder how much more I can get her to do for me."
Things had gotten way too happy for too long on the list and you didn't like it.
"Elf, R2's still harassing me by email. I should cancel the list to make sure he can't join with another address."
I suggested various solutions, none of which you were satisfied with, but you really started losing your crap when I said I would help you by making a new list, one he wouldn't find. You started ranting about how you didn't need or want "people going over your head" (in other words, me) doing anything without your express PERMISSION!
It was a bit of an incoherent message, but I got the gist, and it went something like this:
"D't you dare do that, Elf! *I* am the one in control! *I* am the one with the power and you do what I say! It's MY LIST!"
Ooooooh, was I threatening your power?
Okay, okay, cool your freaking jets, man, point taken!
So, I knuckled under for you once again and did not create a new list for you.
Interesting how you seemed so afraid of me having list owner status.
A kindred spirit wouldn't have been.
"Elf, I'm not really satisfied with all your other ideas because it isn't just R2's behaviour that's the trouble."
Amid a fit of eye-rolling, I realized this was just another dig at the list members again. Trying to keep you satisfied was impossible. You were just itching for a way to screw it all up for everyone. Same old whiny song and dance from you,
"not supportive enough" "not deep enough" "not serious enough" "fluff fluff fluff!"
Yada yada blah blah blah!
"I'm seriously thinking about just shutting down the list."
D and I both tried to talk you out of it, and that worked for a couple of days, but I figured you'd be back at it again when you couldn't get your way.
The delay in posts the night of the Io Groups glitch gave you the perfect opportunity to angst out again.
"crap, I'm so lonely. You all aren't supportive enough. I'm thinking of canceling the list!"
"crap, R2's still emailing me privately! Elf! Help! Report him!"
"I'm going to change my email address. Will you please help me make it an owner on the list, Elf?"
Well, after all, I did a lot for you already, so that surely wasn't going to be a problem. By then, you had dropped the list canceling threat for the time-being, so I went ahead and helped you with that.
And for what?
Sweet nothing!
When you asked me to change your second email address to list owner, I should've just grabbed my chance and taken the list away from you, and I was tempted to. My ethics stood in the way.
And you weren't through pushing me around yet.
"Too much fluff! Elf, can you help me start another deep discussion about my issues? I'm scared they won't like my alters."
Here we go, back to that again. And if I'm not as hung up on that as you are, that would make me a fluffy person not worth your time, I suppose.
"You can ask me anything about them."
Just because R2 was way too nosy and creepy about it doesn't mean I should ask questions about it either and I have no questions. I have heard about dis associative identity disorder and what alters are, 'nuff said. I wouldn't even know what kinds of questions to ask. So you got it. Whatever. You're the only one making such a big flipping fat hairy deal about it. To top that off, it was all a load of bull. I found out later that they knew about your alters.
"Oh, F***! chain letters again! I WANT *SERIOUS!* I hate her new email addy subscription idea. Obviously she's still not deep/serious enough for me and her post to the list about me and my issues is taking too long. F*** it all, I'll just dump everyone including her!"
Sends crappy email
I guess I'll let you join with that address. I feel obligated to let you talk about what you want even though other people have actual serious issues.
If you could've seen my expression after I got that one, you would've known you really botched it.
But, I held back as I tried to come up with something, and made you your precious post...
"Wow, she sent the post after all. Now let's sit back and see what the others do. They f***ing better measure up and be 'the right kind of people' for me or they're trash!"
Ultimately it didn't work.
I'm glad no one responded with whatever you wanted to hear to that stupid post you pressured me to make. You found out you couldn't make us talk about things we didn't want to.
And then you blew your stack, but you didn't just grab your toys and go home, you bulldozed the whole freaking community..
"Oh f***! No-one cares, they probably haven't even read the entire thing! F*** it! I just knew they wouldn't! Now I'm really, like, for really real, gonna end the list no matter what they f***ing say! Elf is too quiet and she probably won't come back to keep the discussion going Out of everyone, she is the one who should contribute the most so I know she cares about me! F****** crap! I can't even push her around any more! She probably already has deserted me! Poor me, meanie them! F*** them all! Into the trash bin of my psyche they go!"
Same as you always do, dump the lot of us! Call us all "unsupportive", say how you were leaving, or better still, pulling the plug on the entire list because you weren't getting the kind of discussion you expected of us. My gosh, but that had to give you a serious power-rush!
Even if it meant going completely back on your word to your "friend" Elf and just throwing her away like trash after all she did for you. Because you couldn't push her around to the degree you would've liked.
this behaviour makes all your claims of becoming attached to me, trusting me more than some of your other female friends a ginormous pack of ruddy FREAKING MANIPULATIVE LIES!
It also proves you are the opposite of the kind of person you claim to be.
"Kind"
Oh, sure, only when it's to your advantage. You sent me some sweet emails in private, but that was only because I dared to reach out to you first. You looked all compassionate on the list when I was down, but once I was fine, you caused drama and tried to use me as a tool to those ends, to get rid of everybody, one by one, (I'm not even sure you wanted to stop at S1.) and then you just lost patience and clobbered it all in one fell swoop because "not supportive/deep/serious" enough...
That is not kind, in any sense of the word.
You even tried to upstage me in the anxiety department while trying to look supportive. One day, I was in a bad way because of lack of sleep and terrible anxiety over my offline life. Everyone else showed me support, and you made a token effort, but then you moaned on about how bad you had it and how you could barely get out of bed that day. If you were soo bad off and with no apparent reason for it, what were you even doing online? At least I had a reason for being upset, and I expressed it.
"Strong"
No, you are not.
"Cautious"
That's usually me. You are out of control. I should've remained cautious instead of letting my guard down with you.
"I am determined."
No. You are stubborn.
I get upset at people online for actual offensive things they say.
You spin drama out of thin air and the flimsiest piece of wording pulled out of innocuous comments.
I turn on people for being jerks and, yes, I know you hate this word, but at this point, D't give a flying hot damn - TROLLS!
You pile on tons of compliments and do tons of list interactions with people only to wuss out and dessert them for not being "deep/serious" enough.
I would have liked you as a kindred spirit, but you made sure to put a hell of a kibosh into that with that last idiotic whining passive-aggressive email to me, and then by pulling the plug on the list for the dumbest reason ever!
You keep saying how you D't need this stress. So stop creating it in the first place!
You're a big girl, if you want to post about your "serious issues" then post yourself. It's your life. Stop judging people who D't have these exact same "issues" or the same interest in them as being "unsupportive" because that is damn insulting.
Besides, you said yourself that you are already on lists that discuss your type of difficulties in-depth. That should be enough to satisfy you. How the hell many more damn lists do you need? Look, if we were all into your particular kind of "deep serious", we would no doubt already be on the same lists as you. Oh, wait, I get it. You wanted to run one, not just be on a bunch of them. Right. Power again.
It's just as well the list is gone. It was doomed to fail with you at the helm anyway.
If you had turned me into an owner and stepped down and just left, that would've meant only you leaving while the rest of us got to keep our community, and you couldn't have that. You needed that power to push us around.
So finally, you showed your true colours and pitched a huge tantrum by way of another whiny post, then actually pulled the plug on the list.
Good list mods D't threaten to shut the list down and hurl accusations of "You're not supportive!" every time a server glitches and doesn't send messages out, or the posts are not quite the right kind for them... Maybe S1 was too placid a list owner for you, but you're far too high-strung, two-faced, demanding, and unpredictable to be a list owner. We were all willing to give you a chance, be your friends, and try to help you out, but you are among the most inept list owners I've ever known!
Bottom line:
You didn't enjoy our interactions or our company, if you really did, and you wanted us as your friends, you would not have even thought about deleting the list, let alone actually going through with it..
Turns out even people who left your list because of drama are sticking around on mine, enjoying themselves, because there is no more drama, and they have a list owner they D't have to dread offending at the drop of a word or not deep enough posts. Someone you even told me had left your list because of the drama, actually left because of you. They knew you were behind it since you'd pulled this crap on other lists before I came along.
You've been jerking people around for years, under different identities.
You are the same as any other power-crazed nutter. You kept demanding respect. Respect is a two-way street.
(Here was what I originally said in closing, before finding out what a long history Melissa have of making trouble):
~If you ever want respect from me again, you'll have to earn it from now on and work damn hard for it. You have made me very angry with you and it is going to take time to get over it.~
~I'll help you to speed that process along.~
~First, apologize for that crappy email message quoted above.~
~And - D'T - YOU - EVER - talk - to - me - that - way - again!~
~I MEAN IT!~
~Next, stop acting like you really care/want to be friends one day and threatening to cut ties the next, especially over stupid things like email discussions that you disdain as "too fluffy, not deep enough". That's an appallingly trashy reason to toss a friendship out the window!~
~No more manipulative behaviour from you! NO MORE!~
~Stop testing your friends to see if they'll stick around and testing to see how many hoops you can get them jumping through for you.~
~Stop trying to force people, not just me, to discuss your precious "serious issues". You aren't interested in my online activities because you think they're nothing, worthless, "not serious enough". So I'm not obligated to indulge your "serious issues" obsession.~
~If you should join a list I own in the future, (not the one I made to replace the one you yanked), I will not make you a moderator, and will not tolerate you badmouthing the other members as "not supportive" enough or anything else just because they D't share your fixation on "deep/serious" stuff.~
~No matter how much you rant, complain, or plead, I will never try getting another list member to give up mods for you again, or leave a list, unless that member has De something to really upset me as well.~
~Now, there is only one way you can repair the damage you caused here, but that won't happen any time soon.~
~Apologize, remember who you are dealing with and cut the attitude before it hits the keyboard, and maybe years from now we might have a ghost of a chance at starting over with a friendship that's less one-sided.~
~Oh, but you probably D't want a friendship badly enough and will just fall back on destruction instead of reparation, by throwing me away just like you've trashed other people who didn't fit your ideal of a perfect friend. That would be the cinchy, spineless way.~
~Your choice.~
~Repair and start over, or trash and destroy.~
~If you pick option two, remain sorry for yourself and determined to think I'm just a non-serious fluffy nobody not worth your time, that's your problem, your fault, and your eventual regret, because I won't be there to hug and support you when someone else really has De something to hurt you. Neither will I be kind to you if we cross paths on Io groups or anywhere else. You will get the cold shoulder.~
~And if this hurts you, too damn bad, you're not the only one! I've expended a vast amount of time and energy on you and this is what I get?~
~That's one big difference between you and me, I D't ditch friends for such stupid reasons.~
~I merely run away from communities before establishing friendships, when it's clear I won't fit in with them.~
~Huge difference!
~"Serious issues discussions" notwithstanding, I've tried to be a good friend to you, and tried too hard, whether you want to realize it or not.~
~Option 1, starting over, probably more difficult, but it isn't the gutless, lazy option; and this time, I am not going to treat you like some kind of princess or special china doll who might break if something isn't worded to your exact satisfaction. You'll get treated just like any other member of the human race who is a friend of mine.~
~From now on, I will expect you to act like an adult, and if you start getting bitchy on me, I will terminate our conversation until you come back with a better attitude.~
~D't write to me again until you give yourself plenty of time to reflect, and eventually decide how you actually feel about me, and whether you really want me as a friend or not.~
~There is no time limit for this decision. You can take weeks, months, or even years to decide if you really want to make this work bad enough. And then it isn't just me you owe the apologies and proof of real friendship, but every single person on the original S1's list you trashed one way or another.~
~If not, do not ever write me again. I am not interested in engaging you in stupid email fights, and one more nasty email at any time, with any kind of personal attack or pity party or guilt-trip attempt or saying how we shouldn't be friends because self-preservation or any other excuse from you will show you chose option two, and utterly destroy anything we ever had, permanently and irreversably.~~
All the above is still true, but for the fact that I'm no longer open to option 1. Because you are not interested in changing, and you've hurt so many people who've felt free to let me know since you killed your list, I will not subject myself or the friends I made to your trolling, yes, TROLLING!
The list I made in place of the one you killed is bigger and much better, with all of us friends whom you tried to split up and likely hog at least some of us for yourself. All of your former list members and more!
Nice try on January 5, 2019, trying to get on to my list. It must be really eating at you that a new and very active list was created from the ashes of your list failure.
My list members know what real support is, and what real friendship is, and I will do my best to be a good list owner to them, instead of acting as if they owe me respect I did nothing to earn. They have all given me a second chance, without strings attached, in the form of further "friendship tests". They are all better friends than you, and I completely disagree with and disbelieve anything you ever said about any of them, and take back any pretence of agreement with you on any of it.
You were coercive as soon as you had me emailing you in private. It was either agree with you or get trashed. I learned that early on, and secretly wondered what I'd got myself into with you and wondering how long it would last.
I originally finished my email with these four paragraphs in ~s, which I take back:
~Now it's your turn.~
~If you are really as lonely as you say, you'll put a lot more effort into being a real friend instead of leaving nothing but broken hearts and bitterness in your wake.~
~So then, if you should come to miss me in time, years down the road, and you are sorry for the way you jerked me around, and you are sure you will be careful not to do it again, I will have calmed down by then and will readily accept your apology, and welcome you back with open arms. That doesn't mean I'll trust you, that is something you will have to gain over even more time. And then there will be no more talk of cutting ties with me or anyone else without a damn good reason. Cutting ties over fluff is not what real friends do.~
~The ball is in your court now, Melissa. D't throw it too soon, and be careful of the direction. You have one chance to make this right. D't blow it.~
I'm not an easy person to win back, especially when you have mistreated others I've befriended and now care about. But that chance is completely gone because you are no stranger to trouble-making. You thrive on head-gaming people and you use sympathy as a club to keep them in line. Then when you are either bored or feeling threatened, you blow up, play the blame game, and run like a coward until you can resurface with another identity to do it all over again.
I'm having none of that.
Goodbye forever, Melissa/Heather/Sylvia/Liz/Joan/Music Lover/Sandra/Danielle or whatever you call yourselves. Good riddance to the one-person troll-gang.
Me and my real friends are more than just making it without you; we are thriving.
Ocean