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Juri Jam

Remember Senna/Fins from the Gundam Mary Sue trolling gossip message board?

This Juri Jam is one of her stupid fictional characters.

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🤤Juri Jam: I am here today for a very important reason.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Nothing you say or do is important, just long-winded ramble, and you have no concept of the paragraph. That means I have to break up this ridiculously enormous chunk of ramble up into paragraphs for a slightly easier read. Notice, I said slightly...

🤤Juri Jam: This reason is so astoundingly important that I felt I needed to share it with you as soon as possible.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: It was not necessary or asked for.

🤤Juri Jam: Are you prepared to hear this amazing, shocking revelation? Brace yourself.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I am expecting to be underwhelmed.

🤤Juri Jam: I am here today on this very computer typing these very words verily so that you shall know the wonder and might of the marvelous thing we humans like to address as jam.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, now I have an idea how you got your name. BTW I'm not keen on jam.

🤤Juri Jam: Jam is so mind-blowingly essential to the existence of mankind and womankind that it escapes our very notice.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You're only half right. Yes, it escapes my notice. No, it is not essential to me.

🤤Juri Jam: Shall we take blackcurrant jam for example? Of course this is merely for the reason that it is more so filled with small seeds that can easily be mistaken for fleas and other small insects that it is amusing to strain and throw the seeds into things like teacups to annoy authority figures.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So you're gross and childish. I already figured as much.

🤤Juri Jam: Anyway. Blackcurrant jam. First we must start with the blackcurrant itself. Blackcurrants have traditionally been grown on a countrywide basis as a garden fruit mainly for jam production and also for confectionery purposes. This crop is grown on a large scale in Ireland for processing. The largest exporter of the blackcurrant, Dublin, exports ninety percent of the crop which is grown over several million square yards.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Nice try, but for a much better, more in-depth write-up, go here. And I didn't even see any mention of Irland for as far down as I read.

🤤Juri Jam: Blackcurrants grow best in well-drained soils in parts of the country, which have comparatively low rainfall, good sunshine and are relatively free of late spring frosts. The crop requires protection from wind and shelter must be provided.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yes, well, I'm not planning on growing them.

🤤Juri Jam: Now you must remember one basic thing. In Ireland there are a great deal of Wiccan cults.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That was true ages ago, but not so much now. Lose the outdated stereotype.

🤤Juri Jam: Your fields could be disturbed at any time by summoned elements courtesy of your neighbors' psychotic daughter, Nelly Furtado.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: 1. My name is not Nelly Furtado.

2. Nelly Furtado is not Irish, she's Canadian and Portuguese.

3. She was raised Roman Catholic.

4. No such "pagan cult" elemental disturbances.

🤤Juri Jam: So first you have to turn Nelly Furtado's work against her and turn her into a bird.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Bleh, I don't like that song of hers.

🤤Juri Jam: Remember, whatever you do shall come back to you three times. Work quickly, because momentarily you will be turned into three birds.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Bull.

🤤Juri Jam: After hexing Nelly Furtado, start over with your blackcurrants.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, right, I forgot about those. You keep them, I don't want them.

🤤Juri Jam: After they have reached full maturity, you may pick them. Pick them and know that in the act of picking you are smiting out the life of innocent blackcurrants which you lovingly and painstakingly grew previously.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Actually I haven't, and wouldn't care anyway. After all, fruit is meant to be eaten.

🤤Juri Jam: Pause a while to reflect upon your actions.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'm not going to do that over a bit of fruit.

🤤Juri Jam: Do you feel bad?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: The day I feel bad about picking fruit is the day I stop being me.

🤤Juri Jam: Possibly you should go to see a priest so you may confess your sin.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: To debunk your corny prose, I would like to remind you that the sacrement of communion requires the picking and crushing of grapes, which is not a sin. So neither is picking black currants.

🤤Juri Jam: He will dutifully help you to see the light, you murderer of blackcurrants.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Only because the "priest" you have in mind is one for the hamgod and not for the real God.

🤤Juri Jam: After your soul has been purged of all evil,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Dingbat claim...

🤤Juri Jam: return to the blackcurrant fields.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I was never there to begin with.

🤤Juri Jam: You must find a humane way to harvest your crop.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: As if...

🤤Juri Jam: Scissors? Ah, but that would be equivalent to snapping the neck of your closest and dearest friend.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Wow, that speaks volumes about how little you value your friends.

🤤Juri Jam: Plucking the blackcurrants with your hands? This is equal to strangling said friend slowly and painfully.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Next you're going to say eating them is cannibalism.

🤤Juri Jam: Obviously, there is no humane way to harvest. So what now?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh I dunno, you could always just kill and eat your friends., but then you'd be made to realize they aren't fruit when you get in trouble with the law for actual murder and cannibalism.

🤤Juri Jam: One hand says that you should harvest the blackcurrants so that you may obtain the blessed elixir of jam, but the other hand says that the Association for Fruit and Vegetable Rights shall be after your blood.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So tell them to go pester some deer.

🤤Juri Jam: What to do?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'm not losing any sleep over it.

🤤Juri Jam: First of all, wash your hands. If you have that much writing on them, you might get ink poisoning and die. Hands washed? All right then.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: It might be your thing, Juri, but I don't write on my hands.

🤤Juri Jam: It is obvious that the solution to your blackcurrant problem is that you need to use synthetic blackcurrants!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Which had to come from real black currants at some stage. Anyway, if you're supposed to use synthetic, why grow real ones at all?

🤤Juri Jam: This insures the safety of your beloved, cherished plants as well as enables you to feel safe in the knowledge that your blackcurrants have not been tainted by poison,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Neither one. I don't fall in love with plants, nor do I go around poisoning them.

🤤Juri Jam: the hands of Mexican field workers,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Since I don't have a black currant growing operation in Mexico or anywhere...

🤤Juri Jam: or bird killing fluids.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I thought you were concerned with not killing currants, not birds or friends.

🤤Juri Jam: You see, there are no real bird killing fluids.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yes there are. There are ways even water can kill birds.

🤤Juri Jam: However, if you spray the bird in question enough with insect killer, said bird is sure to die. So to get the synthetic blackcurrants you must travel to Australia.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: If I ever do travel to Australia, it will not be for some fake fruit. Besides, there is such thing as ordering it.

🤤Juri Jam: Australia's original population was made up of entirely convicts. Thus, the convicts must have had a lot of time on their hands because convicts, as everybody knows, do not commit crimes against each other. They help each other out humanely and work together to make the barren wastes of Australia into a happy eco-safe environment. So you must get in your canoe and paddle to Australia. This is not only aerobic exercise, it saves on flight expenses, such as paying for unsalted fat-free sugar-free flight peanuts.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Bull.

🤤Juri Jam: Once you arrive in Australia you purchase the synthetic blackcurrants from any local alchemist as well as their Nobel Prize winning secrets on turning fine Shakespearean literature into solid gold lamb chops. Then place the container containing only all natural 100% synthetic blackcurrants into a water-safe container. Then place the water-safe container into your canoe. Lower yourself gingerly into the canoe so as to not sit on the container encasing a container and paddle home.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not happening.

🤤Juri Jam: Once reaching home, you must immediately enter a kitchen. This is very important. You may not kiss your great-aunt or feed your pet gecko Chu-Chu.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I can't do any of those anyway since I have no great-aunt, or a pet gecko, let alone one named Chu-Chu; cute as that name is, I think it would fit a pet rodent better.

🤤Juri Jam: You must enter the kitchen bringing the water-safe container with you. Now open the container and take out the container inside. Obtain a bowl and pour the contents of the container that was formerly inside a water-safe container into it carefully. Now go to the freezer. Step inside.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You are off your rocker. I don't walk into freezers, and the one in my kitchen isn't anywhere big enough for that anyway.

🤤Juri Jam: The cool air feels nice after all of the physical exertion, doesn't it?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You tell me, I'm not the one stupid enough to follow your ridiculous instructions.

🤤Juri Jam: Wait! What are you doing? You're inside a freezer!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Speak for yourself. I'm in a comfy warm chair, doing just fine.

🤤Juri Jam: Get out of the freezer, stupid.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You better take your own advice before you freeze to death.

🤤Juri Jam: Now open the freezer again. This time, being careful not to step inside, get out a quart of frozen milk.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I have no frozen milk and won't get any.

🤤Juri Jam: You must now spoon the frozen milk into the synthetic blackcurrants. Once the quart of frozen milk is entirely melting into the synthetic blackcurrants, you must find a blender. Pour the mixture of frozen-but-melting milk and entirely synthetic Australian blackcurrants into the blender and push on the button that is marked 'Ice Crush'. Leave the blender running for exactly 14 minutes, 2 seconds, and 14 milliseconds. Then turn the blender off. You may let your mixture sit for a little while because you have a more important task. You must now make a glass jar to contain what will soon be jam, the holy blessing of the Hamgod.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I don't make glass jars. If I want one, I'll buy one.

🤤Juri Jam: Start a fire in the middle of the kitchen in the fire-pit.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: There is no fire pit in the middle of my kitchen.

🤤Juri Jam: Be sure to remove any lambs' heads that may be burning in the fire-pit left over from your ceremonial turning of Nelly Furtado into a bird.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No such objects and no such ritual here.

🤤Juri Jam: When the fire is blazing brightly, you must pour sand, of which you will have a large quantity of, into the fire. After it turns into glass, remove it with the handy fire-tongs you keep stowed in your pants' pocket for emergencies just like this.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I don't carry that kind of stuff around in my pockets.

🤤Juri Jam: Beat it into the shape of a jam jar with forks and knives. When it is suitable, you pour the substance from the blender into it. While you have not been watching, it has became jam.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: It's 'become' not 'became' and I don't make glass objects.

🤤Juri Jam: This is an unexplainable miracle.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not a miracle. A mixture.

🤤Juri Jam: Look at the jam in your bottle that you made with your very own tentacles and feel proud of yourself.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Chick, I'm not Slender Man or some weird anime freak.

🤤Juri Jam: You have made one of the two greatest necessities of life. The second one is a portrait of an Italian girl without eyebrows who gets her kicks out of being the most highly priced piece of art in the world and smirking inanely. Oh well. One out of two's not bad.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: It's okay to say the name of the painting, you know. It's called the Monalisa.

If this hadn't been from a troll's character, and didn't have glib references to religion however indirect, that would've been much better.

Badfic

Foefiction

Funfiction

Mary Sue, a character to avoid at all costs!

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