What ever Happened To That Chain Letter Atheist Professor? - The Jeremy Townsen Story

Considering that notorious Atheist Professor meme re-shares and all the backlash it generates, The following story needed to be written.

Note: The word 'colleversity' is used because of the various versions of the atheist professor viral taking place at both college and at university. The dream sequence deals with one of the anti-chain retaliatory reactions. The professor is given the name Jeremy Townsen, because he might as well be the same dude as one of this ilk in a satire publication from fake news site Nationalreport.net in late 2013 or very early 2014 about an atheist teacher ruining Christmas for students.

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The Jeremy townsen Story

By Ocean Elf

It was altogether too much.

Everyone at the colleversity, students and staff alike, had it up to here with their so-called philosophy professor's anti-theist diatribes.

Every day, Professor Jeremy Townsen, 29, continued not teaching philosophy. Each day he went on trying to get his classes to agree with him that there was no god except perhaps himself. He threw chalk, crayons, eggs, and temper fits over any that didn't break. For every one of them that broke, Professor Townsen would posture and yell out, Hitler/Jim Jones-style, "You see? There is no god! All who believe in that sky-fairy are stupid!"

But the scariest thing about him was that he had been teaching for 20 years! This could have explained his stunted mental and emotional development. He might have been a genius who graduated from college at 9 years of age and started teaching, but he never matured. Yet he looked far older than 29 and really played that to the hilt whenever he could.

He would silently deal with the written work, but whenever he lectured, it always turned into some anti-theist tirade.

Unfortunately a few students took things too far with their reactions, fighting his vicious verbal and sometimes physically violent tantrums with violence of their own.

For Townsen, it was bad enough getting mouthed off at by Einstein wannabes at the colleversity, then KO-ed by a couple of loose cannon military guys who thought they were God's stand-in. What really burned his butt was the fact he hadn't managed to convert them from Islam or Christianity to atheism. Jeremy Townsen was so enraged by this, he acted as if it had ruined his pitiful life.

But he wasn't out of tricks yet. He filed assault charges against the students involved in the physical attacks on him.

This would have been more than reasonable but for his zeal to shame them for and possibly beyond life by having them court martialed. An ordinary lawsuit just wasn't enough to satisfy this jerk.

That plan flopped spectacularly. He tried to get every court within the state to take his demands seriously, and every one of them refused, telling him that an assault within a non-military setting was to be dealt with the same as any other civilian assault case, even if the students had been in the military.

Then, a family tragedy made it necessary to leave the state for a few days.

Jeremy Townsen made such an obnoxious jerk of himself with this God thing over there that he quickly alienated himself from his relatives, who did their best to ignore his long-winded screeds. When that didn't stop him, he was finally asked, then told to leave if he intended to keep it up.

On the plane back home, things weren't much better for him. Some poop girl lipped off at him. Once again, it was his own fault. Devoid of character as that little girl was, it had been Townsen who initiated conversation with her, just out of nowhere, trying to convince her god did not exist.

It turned out the girl had her own weird obsessions and wasn't in the least bit interested in expressing an opinion on god one way or the other. The book she had been reading was not even remotely resembling a Bible. It was a book on digestion and waste elimination in various types of animals. It contained detailed diagrams and graphic images to go with the various descriptions of the processes. The result was Townsen getting an earful from her on animal dung, finished off with the droll punchline "You don't know crap!" and she had no compunction about using a considerably more crude word than 'crap'.

It was enough to make Townsen want to punch a window and yell at the sky again. In his dim brain, he probably thought God would hear him better up in the air anyway.

Townsen and the little girl went their separate ways when reaching their destinations, and remained by themselves. apparently no one was anxious to meet either of them at the airport.

When Townsen resigned himself to settling for a normal court procedure against the students, there were some arrests and lockups.

Naturally, Professor Jeremy Townsen was overjoyed, and smugly positive that he was and always would be in the clear no matter what he did in the future.

He was so fixated on his anti-God crusade that it spilled over into whatever he did outside the classroom as well. The problem was no one had thought to remove him from his position because the college was apparently afraid of getting hit with a discrimination lawsuit if they did.

Because of Townsen's one-track mind, all he ever talked about to any of the staff was whether or not they believed in God, and he always tried to convince his colleagues there was no God in a similar manner he did with the students.

This eventually resulted in various faculty members leaving the colleversity on their lunch breaks or else taking lunch in their own classrooms where they last taught.

Did this discourage Professor Jeremy townsen? No, of course not! He was such an egotistical cretin that he took this not as a hint that everyone was sick of him. Instead, Townsen thought he had shamed the rest of the staff so badly for their belief in God that they couldn't face him. So, he ate his lunches alone and unbothered. He also continued abusing his position and his students in the name of "free thinking".

This went on until the dean and the rest of the colleversity administration decided something finally had to be done, so they scheduled a meeting.

The day of the meeting came, and the professor had a particularly successful day breaking things in the name of proving God's non-existence.

He swaggered into the boardroom, and took a seat.

When everyone had arrived, the dean addressed her concerns right away.

The God-hating professor went on the defensive, insulted that his attempts at 'education' and 'enlightenment' were being met with concern rather than praise.

At this meeting, several staff voiced their concerns, but Townsen continued arguing, insisting the others were unfair to meddle.

Finally, Professor Townsen was given notice that the college administration was concerned, and that if he wanted to keep his job, there would have to be some changes.

When the meeting wrapped up, Professor Townsen, mad at everyone for not seeing it all his way, stomped out, slamming the door in a frightfully violent tantrum.

The next meeting was the one that really counted, the whole colleversity board of trustees, all staff, administration, the colleversity president were all there.

The president addressed the concerns once again, and Professor Townsen shrugged them all off as nothing. He even denied the claim that he was wasting time on a personal cause and intimidating or provoking his students because of it.

The meeting proceeded with footage from the security camera of the professor's bad conduct during his classes.

Townsen became even more outraged. He trembled, turned red as a beet in his face, and started screaming that his right to privacy was being violated.

"Then I must remind you," said the president, "that you were in agreement with putting the security cameras in when we had that meeting to discuss the case of that false accusation of assault against another staff member by a student last year."

townsen was tripped up for only a second before bellowing out a retort. "Then you must also know that my charging those crazy stupid army men is right. They tried to beat me into submission to their stupidity! It is their conduct that's bad, not mine, we shouldn't even be having this meeting!" he raged.

"Your conduct may not be as physically violent, on the whole, but you are supposed to teach philosophy, not browbeat students into denouncing their own beliefs." she replied.

"I give them assignments every class! They turn in their work regularly and I mark fairly!" he retorted hotly.

"That is not the problem, sir, it is your conduct during class, and toward the staff that - "

He cut her off, in a bellow of indignant, defiant rage.

"I come to class sober, I don't smoke, I don't neglect the students and do not bother anyone here on staff. I eat my lunch on my own. I take my coffee breaks in my classroom, what's wrong with that?" the professor shouted.

"Professor Townsen, please! What is wrong - is the way you treat people. You are alone during your coffee breaks and lunch hours because none of the staff wants to listen to any more of your incessant droning about there being no god."

There were several nods at this.

"You mean you're all as stupid as my students?" Professor Townsen unthinkingly blurted.

Various staff members made incredulous and disgusted reactions to this.

"Excuse me?" said the president.

"If there really is a god, he or she will - "

"Oh, not this again!" protested another professor, rolling his eyes.

"If I have to listen to any more of this," said another, making indications that she was about to get up and walk out.

"Sir!" The president raised her voice, addressing Jeremy Townsen but also trying to get the others to calm down and listen.

"If there really is a god," Townsen raged over top of the others, " he will remove me from this chair!"

"Sir!" The president handed him an envelope. "It seems there is nothing more to say, so let's just stop here for today." With that, she wrapped up the meeting.

That envelope contained a slip of paper which turned out to be his dismissal notice.

Jeremy Townsen's stupid anti-God fanaticism had taken over to such an extent that it got him fired.

Apparently God had indirectly removed him from that chair after all.

Not only that, but Jeremy Townsen was removed from the colleversity, and from other schools which hired him briefly after that, only to give him the boot for the same abusive conduct on the job.

Jeremy Townsen couldn't get a job anywhere in the school system after that except perhaps janitor.

As for the little girl Townsen met on the plane, she had quite a history. Wherever she went, she kept showing off her book and telling everyone how much she knew about poop and what a fascinating subject it was. She always fell back on "You don't know crap!" whenever someone disagreed with or questioned her about anything.

That didn't work so well for her when she turned out to be the arsonist who caused her parents to die in a house fire in which cow dung was used to burn. This was why she was on that plane. She had a fake passport and everything, and was running from the law.

As her case went on, it was discovered she had a history of making and experimenting with explosives, and her writings and reading material showed a strong indication that she was a terrorist in the making, and a fangirl for very sadistic psycho killer characters, finding their gutspilling alluring.

Simply put, Jeremy townsen was just lucky he only served as some amusement for that little girl and didn't actually manage to make her angry.

Townsen eventually left the education scene altogether and went on to write chain letters and get a job as a salesman at a store that sold exclusive cutting-edge, outrageous, tacky, skanky clothing for reality TV show and x-rated film stars, where being rude to average non-celeb customers was considered an asset. If he couldn't get God to notice and single him out as particularly worthy of his undivided attention via a knock off a chair or unbroken egg or piece of chalk etc. he had to settle for the hope that maybe one day a hot celebrity would notice him and help him become world famous that way.

Townsen remained obsessive and haunted by his failure to make everyone turn atheist, especially his former students.

This ate at him so much that he couldn't even escape it in his dreams.

One night, he had a particularly bizarre but vivid dream that he could've sworn had been real.

He was back at the coleversity, having provoked a marine, who was just about to strike him.

And then, it happened.

Sha-zam! Instantly, Townsen was transformed into a 7-foot tall grizzly bear, wearing a halo of fire. He was a deity at last!

Townsen watched in amazement and greatest satisfaction as the marine cowered and trembled before him, pleading pitifully for his life.

But this was Townsen's moment of glory, he was not going to waver and show any weak-minded mercy, not at this stage. He looked down at the marine with a terrifying glower, and smote him with a flame from his fire halo, shouting in a horrifying roar, “Blasphemer thou art, thou thinkst to take the place of God? Those who deny me face eternal fire, but you who knows my work and yet commits the sin of Satan I curse a hundred times over!”

It didn't matter that what he just said, made very little sense beyond his cursing the marine, but Townsen had always wanted to speak that way, and now, he finally opened his mouth and it came out with more conviction than the greatest actors throughout human history.

For added measure, he mixed in some magical chants in the hopes of doing something else to the marine, such as setting him completely alight.

"With these words, I curse you! aga flaga, ish, ca nishca, noogen, nigen! Kata, Lata, Kulu! Monholith, deir, mustzfah! Moonchakka, Moonchakka, Moonchakka! Toma, Sota, Balcu!"

He didn't have long to admire his speech, because something else happened that gave him the most heady experience of euphoria he had never known up to this point.

Where the fire had touched the marine, it didn't just cause a burn injury. The flame licked all over the hapless man, and as it did so, it turned from fire to a mass of boils. Townsen watched with glee as the man retreated to a nearby desk.

Then, something else happened, something so wonderful that Townsen felt his heart would give out and explode with elation.

Who should burst into the room but Richard Dawkins.

Townsen bowed before Dawkins and praised him for his anti-theism and the invention of the meme AKA chain letter.

Then, things began getting a bit weird for him.

Dawkins appeared to ignore Townsen at first, as he sprouted seven heads, and horns on each. From one of these horns, he produced a copy of The Selfish Gene, and threw it at the condemned marine.

Townsen's eyes blazed angrily. Was he beneath even Dawkins's notice?

The answer came quick enough. Dawkins turned his attention to Townsen, commanding, “Leave that boy alone, you pathetic atavism!”

Townsen was stunned. He just stood there with his mouth open. Had Dawkins just bawled him out? He couldn't believe it. here he had spent years worshiping other famous atheists and anti-theists such as Richard Dawkins, Christopher hitchens, and Stephen Hawking; and this was the thanks he got?

Dawkins continued in a voice that sounded very much like a hiss, “It’ssss me you want!”

As if this was some sort of cue, the scene shifted to a battle, and right in front of Townsen was a big billboard that said "The Lord VS The anti-Christ!"

But it was only there for a few moments, and then both sides melded together, turning the battle into one great big blob with both good and evil forces joined in some kind of weird, unholy union.

That was when the exprofessor awoke, safe and sound, alone, in his own bed.

It had all been a dream.

Jeremy Townsen slowly realized that he was no longer at the colleversity. He had been out of that career ages ago.

Much to his disappointment, he never was a Shakespearesque-talking 7-foot tall bear. There was no quivering marine covered in boils and writhing in agony before him, asking for his life to be spared. There had been no Richard Dawkins sprouting seven heads with horns, pronouncing judgement on the marine, or looking favourably on Townsen. There had been no epic final battle, and no sign whatsoever of God and the anti-Christ joining forces..

In a fit of bitter disappointment and rage, Jeremy Townsen reached for his alarm clock and hurled it as hard as he could against a wall.

For him, facing reality just sucked beyond belief.

Rumor has it that the scarce visitors to his home I.E. maintenance/repairs services have reported seeing chalk and egg shells throughout his house, and that he has been seen dancing on his chairs and the roof top with a lamp shade, demanding God to knock him off the platform without doing any damage to the shade.

And to top it off, here is an actual tantruming atheist absolutely foaming at the mouth with hate against "religion" who couldn't be a better fit for the atheist in these chain letters or this story.


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