🤦🏽‍♀️

Take A Hike

by BP

The forest was quiet and peaceful. Early morning mist still clung to the ground. A distinctly human sound disrupted the quiet.

“Bez, this is ridiculous.” Sigma said, breathing heavily as she attempted to keep up with Bez. “Where the heck are we going and how long till we get there?”

Bez looked over her shoulder at Sigma. “Oh, quit whining. I told you this would be a nice long hike, and you agreed to come. You could have stayed back at the ship."

Sigma scoffed. “Everyone else left! Your ship is creepy when it’s empty.”

The pair came to a particularly steep and rocky hill.

“Oh, come on…” Sigma muttered in irritation.

“Hop to it.” Bez said as she scaled the slope.

Sigma followed reluctantly.

“And it is not.” Bez retorted as they crested the hill.

She pointed ahead into the forest. “There’s a clearing not too far ahead, and we’ll meet Thande and Matrix there.”

Sigma let out a relieved sigh.

Bez tutted. “Oh, come on! We’ve only been going for, what-”

“Six hours, Bez, six hours!” Sigma shot tersely. “We all wake up at four in the morning for you hike, and six hours later-where the heck are we!?”

“Hey now, I don’t have to take that from you!”

“Oh, really?”

The pair argued loudly as they entered the clearing. They were so caught up in their argument that they failed to see that there were four other people, a child and three adults, beside Thande and Matrix in the clearing.

“Matrix, will you please tell Sigma six hours is not a long hike?” Bez asked.

Before Matrix had a chance to answer, she noticed the strangers in the clearing. “Who the heck are they?”

Matrix smiled mischievously. “The little one is a mutant.”

The child stamped her foot and shouted “I am not a mutant!” She turned to the woman. “Mommy, tell the metal man that I am not a mutant!” She pouted. “I broke a tooth on him.”

“That is usually what happens when you try to eat a robot.” Thande commented calmly.

Bez gaped. “Thande-did you just make a joke?”

Thande was cut off rudely by the woman.

“Excuse me!” She shrilled. “You’re forgetting the important people!”

The group looked at each other and then back at the woman, regarding her flatly.

“Well, don’t you know who I am?” She asked, clearly flustered.

“Should we?” Bez asked.

The woman let out a loud, rather undignified and childish noise. “Oh, Edward, they don’t know who we are!”

Bez frowned distastefully. “Oh, I get it. Why aren’t you dead yet?”

“Oh, no, no, no, no. We are immortal, but I wouldn’t expect someone of your intelligence to-”

“I mean why hasn’t anyone killed you yet?”

Edward frowned, clearly taken off guard. “Why would anyone want to do that?”

Bez sighed and shook her head. “Oh, the idiocy…”

“Idiocy!” He repeated incredulously. “You’re one to talk, soldier.” He said distastefully, indicating Bez’s clearly military jacket.

“What?” She asked quietly, moving to remove her Burner.

“Wee! Fresh blood!” Renesmee lunged forward, sinking her fangs into Bez’s arm.

“No, no! Bad Nessie, drop her!” Jacob chided.

“Get this freaking monster off me before I blow her brains out!” Bez snarled, smacking Renesmee on the head with the butt of her gun.

Thande took a firm hold of “Nessie” and attempted to dislodge her without hurting Bez.

“Hey, you parental freaks!” Bez shouted at Edward and Bella. “Get this maggot off me-I don’t cream kids, but if you don’t get moving I will cream you!”

“She means it, and she’s fully capable of it. I’d listen.” Matrix advised.

However, Edward and Bella were too busy staring into each other’s eyes to notice much of what was happening.

“Get off of me!” Bez roared at Renesmee, smacking her again.

At this point, Jacob realized it would be in Renesmee’s best interest if he could get her off Bez’s arm.

“Nessie, drop it! That’s not nice!” He ran over and attempted to help Thande dislodge the child.

Thande managed to remove her without her ripping up Bez’s arm, and tossed her carefully to her parents. They were still busy ogling each other, and consequently let their offspring fall to the ground.

“Ah, disgusting!” Bez growled, rubbing at the wound. “If I become a vampire, someone’s gonna die.”

At this point, Edward and Bella broke out into a sickening sappy gush about how perfect, beautiful, handsome, etc, each other was, and then finished up by kissing.

Matrix grimaced. “Am I the only one who thinks this is so wrong?”

“Not at all.” Sigma said, equally sickened.

Jacob scuttled over to Renesmee. “Oh, are you okay?”

Renesmee had started to cry, as she was in the middle of a monumental tantrum.

“That mean lizard-man threw me! I’m gonna bite him!” She charged at Thande, gnashing her teeth.

“No!” Jacob said, restraining her. “He wouldn’t taste good.”

“Oh, that’s it.” Bez snapped. “I have a bone to pick with you guys!” She shouted at Edward and Bella.

They continued to kiss.

“Excuse me! Hey!” She stooped to pick up a large pinecone and threw it at them. It bounced off Edward’s forehead.

“Oh, whatever!” She said exasperatedly. She turned to Jacob and Renesmee. “You’ll do for now.”

Jacob was having difficulty restraining Renesmee. He looked up in confusion. “Huh?”

“I’m going to bite him!” Renesmee squealed, gnashing her teeth again.

Bez sighed. “Swell…of all the things there could be in the universe, why this?”

Jacob shrugged and nearly lost hold of Renesmee. “To be honest, I don’t know. But if you were to ask my opinion-”

“Which I’m not.”

“-I’d say it’s destiny.”

“You’re an idiot.” Bez said matter-of-factly. She looked back over at Edward and Bella and scowled. “Someone separate them.”

Matrix smiled. “With pleasure.”

He walked over to the couple and swept his arm out, giving them a good whack. Edward flew into a tree several meters away, fully embedding into the bark. Bella flew back into a near-by pond.

Sigma giggled.

“There.” Bez said. “Much better. Now, where were we? Oh, right, your little destiny spiel. It’s crap. Any you know what’s even more crappy?” She gestured to Bella and Edward. “Them. One, vampires do not marry humans. THEY EAT THEM. And they like it. And for that matter, so do you. Don’t give me any crap about vegetarian this or vegetarian that. Blood is blood, no matter how you slice it.”

Edward managed to extract himself from the tree, and stumbled haughtily over to Bez.

“How dare you attack my perfectness!” He shrilled. “How dare you!” He pouted and placed his hands on his hips.

“You are not perfect.” Thande said flatly, regarding Edward coolly.

“What!?” Edward exclaimed, as if he had just been slapped in the face with a cold fish. “And just who do you think you are, Mr. Scalyface?”

“You are not perfect.” Thande repeated, a bit more slowly in case Edward hadn’t understood it the first time.

“Stop saying that! Stop it!” Edward demanded, stomping his foot. “If you don’t apologize right now, I’ll be very cross!”

At this point, Renesmee finally succeeded in escaping from Jacob.

“Aaaiiiieeee! Alien blood!” She shrieked, charging at Thande.

She attempted to stick her fangs into Thande’s calf, and was subsequently kicked across the clearing and into Bella, who had just managed to climb from the pond. They both fell back into the pond.

“Filthy thing.” Thande said, clearly disgusted.

“Ooooh, now you’ve done it!” Edward snapped. “Now I’m going to get you!” He took a few steps toward Thande.

“Now, now, Thande, play nicely. Don’t damage the fragile vampire.” Bez drawled sarcastically.

“I’ll show you fragile!” He roared, charging at Bez and slamming her into a tree trunk.

Thande roared furiously and grabbed Edward by the throat. “Maggot.” He snarled, throwing Edward into the forest.

Thande promptly turned his attention to Bez. Matrix and Sigma had already gone to her side. Matrix had helped her into a sitting position.

“Stupid freak!” She yelled into the forest, in the general direction Edward had been thrown. She turned her attention to Jacob. “And you! I get tackled into a tree by an egotistical vampire, and you just sit there!?” She shot to her feet quickly and started toward him angrily.

She nearly collapsed, and was forced to lean on Thande. Her body shook from a violent fit of coughing, and as she gasped for breath, a small stream of blood began to trickle from her mouth.

“Bez-” Sigma began, clearly concerned.

“I’m fine!” Bez shot sarcastically. “I survive the deadliest war to date, I get a freakin’ Medal of Honor, I’m a Guardian-and I get trashed by-” She grimaced, clutching at her side. “Get trashed by a blasted vampire!” She hissed through clenched teeth.

Matrix frowned, coming to her side. “Bez…” He began sadly.

“Oh, hush, Matrix, I know you can’t do anything about it-not your fault some anti-bot crazyhead hacked your system. Remotely call the ship-” She grimaced again.

Matrix complied and then glared at Jacob. “You. You’re partially responsible for this.”

“Wha-at?” Jacob exclaimed dumbly. “What did I do?”

“Nothing.” Thande answered. “And that is why you must pay.”

Before anyone could speak further, the air hummed and the Nautilus touched down in the clearing. Thande picked Bez up as if she were a child, and followed Matrix aboard the Nautilus.

“Take care of her!” Sigma called after them. “I have a score to settle.” She added quietly.

“But…it’s not my fault!” Jacob exclaimed.

Sigma scowled. “Oh, right!” She snarled, walking up to him. “You just didn’t do anything about it! You’re just as responsible!” She punched him in the face, catching him completely off guard. “That one’s for Bez!” She slammed a fist into his stomach. “That one’s for me!” She finished by kicking him sharply in the shin. “And that one is for being a freakin’ major jerk!”

Sigma was about to punch him again when Thande walked down the off-ramp into the clearing.

“How bad is it?” Sigma asked, forgetting Jacob for the time.

“All her ribs are broken.” Thande began coldly. “The fragments caused major internal damage. Many of her organs were damaged. Matrix is setting her ribs and repairing the damage with a regenerator, but she will still need rest.”

Sigma looked back at Jacob with disgust. “You are so lucky Bez is going to be okay, or you would be in a world of hurt!”

For a final measure, Sigma smacked Jacob across the face with her Burner. As she and Thande boarded the Nautilus, Edward finally stumbled out of the forest. Bella and Renesmee emerged from the pond, covered in horribly sticky mud and slime. As the Nautilus took off, Edward and Bella ran to each other and began to gush again.

“Oh, my perfect darling those people were so horrid, weren’t they?”

“Oh, yes, but they went away, now we can be together!”

And they started kissing. Again.

Renesmee pouted. “Oh, but I wanted to bite that guy! I’m gonna get him!” She gnashed her teeth in an attempt to appear scary.

Jacob was feeling quite sick from the whole ordeal, and from Sigma’s punch to his stomach. He threw up in a nearby bush.

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