🧝‍♀️ 👩‍🚀


Computer Fights

What if our computers were sentient?



🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: C'mon, stop with the errors and just do what you usually do.

💻Computer: No, I don't feel like it.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Listen, you're a computer, you're not supposed to feel like anything, just let me send that email already!"

💻Computer: No, I'll just sit here and do nothing instead.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *scowling* Quit being stupid or I'll get someone in here who will make you smarten up!

💻Computer: "Okay, okay, go ahead and send your mail you work me so hard all the time.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: And all of a sudden or once in a while you decide not to like it, and zone out on me when I want to send important email?"

💻Computer: How important is chit-chat and writing stories?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: It's important to me, and so are my invoices for work so don't you dare pull this when I want to send one of those! What should be important to you is that everything's running the way it should, so don't tell me it isn't when things are actually working fine because I haven't fiddled with any settings in a long time.

💻Computer: Okay, okay, I'll do my best if it'll keep you from throwing a fit and punching me out. But it isn't just me, it was the server on the other end.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Argh! Why didn't you tell me that in the first place instead of giving me this generic error and then freezing?

💻Computer: Because you'd just get mad again.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Uh, okay, after several tries, but wth's with this error on one email and then everything's fine the next?

💻Computer: Uhhhhhh...


Slow loading time

👩‍🚀BP: Dang it, why does it take so long to load?!

💻Computer: Not my fault, I just show the stuff.

👩‍🚀BP: Don't lie to me! *Raises fist*

💻Computer: Ack! Fine-I don't know! I can't help it! I'm a wierd computer! Oh look, it loaded a tiny bit more!

👩‍🚀BP: *Slaps computer screen*

💻Computer: Ow! Cut it out!

👩‍🚀BP: No. *slaps again*

💻Computer: AAAaaahhhhh!

👩‍🚀BP: *Slap*



What if computers could detect memes and say something about their owners sending such mindless drivel?

🙃Ditz: Ooooh! Another "Pass this on if you love your friends" chain-letter! *opens e-mail* Hee hee! It's full of cutesy pictures and generic sappy sayings! Forward! *Click*

💻Computer: Hang on a second! What gives you the right!?

🙃Ditz: Wha-? Excuse me?

💻Computer: You're filling up people's inboxs with this stuff every single day! Well, I say NO MORE! *Slaps person*

🙃Ditz: Ow! Hey, what was-

💻Computer: *Slaps person again*

🙃Ditz: Ow-stop-

💻Computer: *Slaps*


💻Computer: *Slaps* Mwahahaha! Don't you ever take the time to think about what you're actually spreading around?

🙃Ditz: Yeah, sweet cuteness and friendship!

💻Computer: No, it's SPAM!

🙃Ditz: What!?

💻Computer: Spam.

🙃Ditz: I'm not spamming! It's not like I'm trying to sell viagra or something!

💻Computer: It's still spam. Have you ever taken a good look at all the email addresses this has been sent to besides you, and now you want to clutter more inboxes with it?

🙃Ditz: But I'm trying to be a great friend!"

💻Computer: How about writing something on your own instead?

🙃Ditz: What, and sending it to everybody on my distribution list, what will they think, that I'm spamming or something!?

💻Computer: Why not save the distribution list for only important announcements then and write your friends individually?

🙃Ditz: Because that's so much work!

💻Computer: So you'd rather blast everyone with this chain letter that's filled with junk you didn't even create? Have you ever wondered why some friends stopped writing to you after you sent them forwards?


Double Trouble

What if there were doubles of us and our computers? Well, that's what you might wish for if you had a heavy work load, but the following shows if this came true, it could be another problem!

👩‍🚀BP: Aaahh! Not again! *Slaps computer* Stupid,stupid-

🤦‍♀️BP2: Nooo! Are you serious?! *Slaps computer2*

💻💻Computers: Stop hitting us!

👩‍🚀BP: No, you stupid malfunctioning piece of-

🤦‍♀️BP2: I hate you!

💻Computer: Wait-me or the other one?

🤦‍♀️BP2: Shut up!

Computer2:Which one of us!?

👩‍🚀BP: Both of you! AAAAARRRRGGGH!

💻Computer: No need to shout.


🤦‍♀️BP2: Well, actually...

👩‍🚀BP: You be quiet too!

💻Computer: Hey! Don't treat yourself that way!

Computer2: Yeah!

🤦‍♀️BP2: Yeah-don't treat me-us-wait a second...


💻💻Computers: Sheesh...


Thoughts On the Internet

👩‍🚀BP: Hiya, everyone, and welcome to The Internet: How and Why it Irks Me.

🤦‍♀️BP2: Wait a sec, is that us me or just you me?

👩‍🚀BP: Huh-wait-why-It doesn't matter!

🤦‍♀️BP2: Yeah, but if you don't know if it's us me or just you me, then won't we have some confusion with the audience?

👩‍🚀BP: I don't know, does it matter?!

🤦‍♀️BP2: Well, yeah-

👩‍🚀BP: Enough! Let's introduce the computers! Here we have Computer-

💻Computer: What's happenin', humans?

👩‍🚀BP: And Computer2!

Computer2: Herro!

👩‍🚀BP: Now that everyone is here, let's get to the topic of today's conversation: The Internet. You know it. You love it. And sometimes, you want to drive a stalk of broccoli through it's forehead.

Computer2: Wha-aat?! You can't do that! It's not possible! The Internet is not a corporeal being-or any sort of being for that matter! This-*Gets slapped by me* Ack!

👩‍🚀BP: Shut it! Now. First thing's first: the connection.

🤦‍♀️BP2: I thought we were connecting pretty well...

👩‍🚀BP: Imbecile. Anyway! The main thing I've noticed is how precarious the connection is. I get a fax: the connection goes. There's a tiny power surge: the connection goes. Some bozo at Qwest drops his chili dog: the connection goes. You get the picture.

💻Computer: It's hardly my fault! I don't control the Internet!

👩‍🚀BP: Yeah, but you don't help much either! Another thing: error messages. Why is it that when I can actually get my computer to tell me why something is on the fritz, it tells it to me in some freaking techno jargon!?

🤦‍♀️BP2: I understand it.

👩‍🚀BP: No, you don't.

🤦‍♀️BP2: Yeah, I do.

👩‍🚀BP: No, you can't. You're me and if I don't get it than neither of us can!

🤦‍♀️BP2: Well if I'm you than you're me and if I get it than you shouldn't be able to not get it!

👩‍🚀BP: Wha-!? We're getting sidetracked!

🤦‍♀️BP2: Not my fault...

👩‍🚀BP: Oh then who's fault is it?! If you blame me, you're still blaming you because you're me! Ha! Having a double sucks, doesn't it!?

💻Computer: Hey, quit it! Get on with it!

Computer2: Yeah! Move it!

👩‍🚀BP: Why, I oughta...but I won't. Moving on: the modem. I run a diagnostic on it, it's fine, and still NO INTERNET.

💻Computer: Please don't hit me.

👩‍🚀BP: No promises. Also: the speed. I've been wireless for many moons, and generally, it works pretty fast. But then there are the days when for no apparent reason, it....goes...slowly....even when it's the only thing open on my computer! What the heck?!

Computer2: Maybe if you did some research-*gets slapped* Aaaa-aack! Stop doing that!

👩‍🚀BP: No! *slaps again* Come on, people! The Internet shouldn't be hard to figure out! No one wants to do a bunch of research just to check their e-mail!

🤦‍♀️BP2: We've got a good point, you know.

👩‍🚀BP: Stop it with this "we" business! We're going to get sidetracked again!

🤦‍♀️BP2: Sorry...

👩‍🚀BP: Don't apologize to me-us-aaargh! Just stop talking!

💻💻Computers: Hey!

👩‍🚀BP: Not a word, bozos. Anyway, what I'm getting at is this: while we all love the Internet, sometimes, it glitches out on us. And that is just WRONG. Well, that's all the time we have today on Computer Talk! Join us next time when Me and Computer battle it out against Me2 and Computer2 in a fight to the finish over which system really is better: PC or MAC?

🤦‍♀️BP2: Seeya next time!

💻Computer: Yeah! Hang in there, humans! I do my best!

Computer2: I don't! *Smile*



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