🧝‍♀️ 🤦🏽‍♀️


Men's Rules For Women

Off come the gloves, out come the pitchforks and all other dangerous stuff - BP and Ocean Elf are going to obliterate some repulsive chain doofus!

* * *

🦍🚹Meme: 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Look, if you care so much about being fat, that's your problem! There's certainly no need to be rude about it!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Get over the fat thing already and get a life. Yes, this means both genders!

🦍🚹Meme: 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Uh, wow, no really!? I never would have guessed that! *rolls eyes*

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Put that in your dang pipe and smoke it, bubba. Reverse directions in your case. You assume I haven't yet learned how to work a toilet seat. You are really not starting off well. 🔥

🦍🚹Meme: 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: H'm! What, so do you dictate how she dresses too? What movies she watches? What food she eats? Freak. Get the heck away from me before I beat the tar out of you...with my BATTLE AXE. An yes, I really have one. And I won't hesitate to use it.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No kidding, sheesh! Guess what, drongo? I certainly don't want to marry and get stuck with the likes of you! I like my short hair and don't give a rip what you think. If you can't get past appearances, you're a control-freaking, shallow nitwit and any sensible girl would run the other way when encountering you. Look after only your own appearance and don't dictate what some girl wears, how she wears it, etc. Presuming there is a girl stupid enough to get involved with you in the first place.

🦍🚹Meme: 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Here's a little quest for you, it's called getting lost! I don't want your crummy stupid gifts at Valentine's, on my birthday or any other day of any year in my life! The best gift you can give me is to go away forever!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Hey, how 'bout you go on a quest to the bottom of the Challenger Deep? If the lack of oxygen doesn't kill you, the pressure will!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Lol!

🦍🚹Meme: 5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: As if I'd even ask you anything, get over yourself!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Yeah, since I'm just DYING to ask you all sorts of things! I wouldn't talk to you if my head was on fire and you had the last bucket of water on Earth.

🦍🚹Meme: 6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, good, is that a promise!?

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Good! I don't want you to think of me, EVER!

🦍🚹Meme: 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Okay, so You think about belly button lint? Wow, small things really do amuse small minds. So how about I just take that gun and practice shooting at your monster truck? I'd get more satisfaction out of that than from trying to explain to you the difference between computer-generated "physical modelling" and sound sampling in digital musical instruments.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: H'm, so I can shoot you in the belly-button with a shotgun from the window of a monster truck? Sounds good to me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Bwahahahahaha!

🦍🚹Meme: 8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Whatever floats your boat, jerk, just keep your repulsive carcass out of my way.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: *rolls eyes* Look, bub, just stay away from me.

🦍🚹Meme: 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Uh, I never said it was...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, and whoever said it was, you dumb cluck?.. Oh, you must be confused because there is such thing as a shopping channel! What a dunce.

🦍🚹Meme: 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Blah, blah, blah...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, but your duds could use some improvement. How about a nice dunce cap on your head to go with the tude, dude?

🦍🚹Meme: 11. You have enough clothes.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP and 🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Uh, yeah, and this is

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: news?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: only dawning on you now?

🦍🚹Meme: 12. You have too many shoes.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Hardly! I'm not one for an excess of shoes.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Uh, no. Any less and I'd be barefoot. But that's the way you prefer women anyway, right? Stupid backward caveman Slob... Get over the shoes already.

🦍🚹Meme: 13. Crying is blackmail.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: I probably cry less than you do, bub.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Dude, if you knew anything about me at all, you might realize how incredibly idiotic that idea is. I probably cry less than you do, unless it's from laughing too hard! Any crying I do from actual distress is definitely not blackmail. The very idea is utterly beneath me. Shame on you! *gives doofus dismissive backhanded slap*

🦍🚹Meme: 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Aaarrgh, you really need to scram. I've never had a boyfriend, so I can't have an ex-boyfriend.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: 1. Dude, you've obviously got me mixed up with somebody else!

2. You're a jealous Gary Stu! That's the masculine counterpart to a Mary Sue. You are no different from that clingy ditz in the 257 Things chain in this respect. Go away!

3. Since you are an idiot, you will never be my boyfriend.

🦍🚹Meme: 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Please take a one-way shuttle to Neptune, preferably further than that!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Jump into a vat of boiling tar. Is that direct enough for you?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Lol!

🦍🚹Meme: 16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: And yet, you know when Sunday is, but only for sports purposes...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That must mean you're so thick that you only know it's Sunday when more TV channels show sports. Moron...

🦍🚹Meme: 17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Eww...did NOT need to hear that. Clean up your own dang mess.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: TMI - ewww - so clean it up yourself then, don't make stupid lame-arse excuses, filthy pig!

🦍🚹Meme: 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You own more shoes than I do and I rarely wear dresses. Stop throwing stupid fits over shoes, loser.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Look, I don't have anywhere NEAR thirty pairs of shoes. In fact, I don't think I have anywhere past five...hrm, my everyday shoes, church shoes, a pair of flip-flops...yup. Three pairs. And, I never wear dresses. I'm more of a skirt person.

🦍🚹Meme: 19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'm surprised you can even manage anything beyond a grunt...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Wow, I bet you're fun to talk to! *rolls eyes* Get out of here, caveman.

🦍🚹Meme: 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Said the problem.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Actually, dude, you ARE the problem, go away! I'm not looking for sympathy, and wouldn't believe any show of it coming from the likes of you.

🦍🚹Meme: 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Sheesh, duh! Being around you for one day is bound to give someone a headache!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I've never had a headache for that long, doofus! But I can guess that any girl would have a prolonged headache with you in her life. remove your rotten self, and voila! No more headache, instant cure!

🦍🚹Meme: 22. Foreign films are for foreigners.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Guess what? You're a foreigner in any country you're not currently living in!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: One, I like foreign films. Two, you're a foreigner when you're not in the country you live in. Three, you probably just can't handle reading while watching a movie. I like to watch my movies with the subtitles on anyway, so foreign films aren't any big move.

🦍🚹Meme: 23. Check your oil.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Or, boil it, light it on fire, and dump it on your head!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: How about I just boil you in it?

🦍🚹Meme: 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Fake what? Oh, you'd rather I just come out and tell you you're stupid than lie and say you're a rocket scientist, well, no problem! You're stupid.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Gah, why do I have a feeling that statement is dripping with innuendo? Knowing you, it probably does...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Grimace* Ewwww… No kidding.

🦍🚹Meme: 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That's fine, take your stupid quiz, I've got more interesting things to do.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: What quiz? No one said anything about a quiz!

🦍🚹Meme: 26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Who said it did? Hint, not me... So quiz yourself out if you want, as long as you shut up and stay out of my way.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Gah! Drop the quiz all ready!

🦍🚹Meme: 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: What, is that the limit of your memory?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Hahaha, yeah, cuts both ways, Buster.

🦍🚹Meme: 28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Eww! I wouldn't want a soap opera guy anyway, and that would be you! Soap opera characters are always miserably single or miserably taken, never satisfied with their lives for five minutes straight unless they are having affairs. And they're always dying, only to get undead when their love marries somebody else.

And I'm not into dressing provocatively...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Eww...who wants to be around one of those wierdos? And I mean BOTH groups, there...

🦍🚹Meme: 29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Probably, but you haven't said any such thing yet. The only feelings you provoke so far are annoyance, revulsion and derision.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Yeah, likely story. *rolls eyes* I thought you only said yes and no, anyway?

🦍🚹Meme: 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Let me shoot your eyes out. It's going to happen anyway, it's genetic...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Oh, yeah, sure, if I get to gouge your eyes out. After all, it is genetic.

🦍🚹Meme: 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: A genie would make much better company than you! Oh, if I could just have a genie grant my wish to have you zapped into a place that would settle your offish tude...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Ack! Again, feeling like that comes with innuendo...just get away from me, freak!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No kidding, argh! *Scowl*

🦍🚹Meme: 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Will you shut up? Put a sock in it!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Okay, I want you to put your head in a meat-grinder.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Hahahahaha!

🦍🚹Meme: 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That would be nothing since I'm nowhere near you and your precious TV.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Or, not talk to you at all. I'll take that option.

🦍🚹Meme: 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: And look what a botch job he made of it, mistaking the Bahamas for the East Asian Indies... Columbus got lost!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Uh, not the best example, bub. He thought he was in India.

🦍🚹Meme: 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Men with this attitude lose their right to make dumb excuses for hormone overdrive and still expect to be respected...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Gutterbrains like you should be shot on sight.

🦍🚹Meme: 36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You should wear eye-stinging blinders and I would like to stick them on you permanently...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Hey, remember when I said I was going to gouge your eyes out? *prepares gouging tool of choice*

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: While we're on the subject, this is so beyond the pale that it bypasses the Big Oops category that usually deals with media muckups, and plunges straight down into the Idiot Showcase!

Unbelievable the sleazy ideas hoaxers come up with, and absolutely disgusting and frightening that people, including big media outlets actually buy into it!

Note to NBC, the blogosphere and others:

No, men won't make their hearts healthier by gawking at boobs!

And if you actually believed it or are too happy to use it as an excuse to ogle, you deserve to get a nice blunt trauma to the head.

🦍🚹Meme: 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: EWWWW! You definitely have me mixed up with some other chick, dude, I never did or would go out with you!

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: I wouldn't put up with you for two minutes, let alone two months! Get outta my sight!

🦍🚹Meme: 38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So what's orange, then?

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Well, that must make your life difficult, Mr. Colorblind-creep.

🦍🚹Meme: 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Uh...random much? Yay for you?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, that'll get you into Mensa for sure!

🦍🚹Meme: 40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So? Stay away, you ill-mannered ape...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Gross. If I want to punch you, you will be punched.

🦍🚹Meme: 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That can't be too exciting then...

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Well then, beer must be pretty boring to you.

🦍🚹Meme: 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: You don't know why you put stuff where you put it? Uh...you might want to look into that.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You don't understand why you toss your own junk in a closet in your own house? Dude, you are confused beyond hope...

🦍🚹Meme: 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Heh! That much is obvious!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not mind-readers, that's an understatement! You definitely haven't the foggiest idea about me, and I hope you don't take up the notion that you care about me!

🦍🚹Meme: 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, ìNothing,?? we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Yeah, you probably wouldn't give a crap if the house was burning down.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, since you are really a big nothing, you would be what's wrong and I wouldn't be lying...

🦍🚹Meme: 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: What the-!? You're disgusting! Prepare for your destruction! *attacks with battle axe* I said I would use this, and I meant it! *hack, smack!*

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Okay, this is where you start painfully dying! *smacks dirty loser with a pitchfork* and I thought you said earlier *thwack* that any girl's ex bf was an idiot. *thud* So - we're supposed to put up with your ex who is somehow less of an idiot if she calls you? *wack* Hypocrite.

🦍🚹Meme: 46. What the hell is a doily?

🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Lemme show ya, creep! *shoves doily down throat, continues beating with battle axe*

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: This thing, you idiot! *Tosses itching powder-covered doily, followed by a bucket of ice-cold water, followed by a TV remote, a bee hive, a hornet nest, a pouring of hot tar, a couple of pitchforks, and several other things that are not fun when hucked at you*


🤦🏽‍♀️BP: Hahahaha! *grin* Great lines in that one! H'm, and it NEEDED a strong manglin'! Gah!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Dang straight!

Over and out.


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