This meme went around, confounding adults who receive it from teenagers. Seniors are notorious for sending political rants and honking huge Powerpoint forwards, but teens are notorious for replicating love/luck chain letters such as the one about to be mangled.
also mangled on this blog, which also mangles part of the Anne Wicherd World Record Love chain in the same entry.
Now, our turn to mangle this dreck!
As usual, the various differences within each mutation will be preceded by the appropriate headings "Chain1G: for the girl version, "Chain1B:" for the boy version, "Chain1G" "Chain2G" where the two girl versions differ, ditto for the numbering of the boy mutations, etc. "Chains:" for the spots where they are all the same.
And a new word. Since both genders can get taken in by this chain letter, and it is unknown if the thing was originated by a dude or a ditz, where applicable, the word 'duditz' may be used to describe the hoaxer and some moron in examples given why this chain doesn't work.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a Girl or Guy Calls you
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: They get a rough sendoff if they're a telemarketer or chain letter creep.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No, not girl or guy facts, but chain letter factoids. This means bits and pieces of mostly balderdash that people are more likely to swallow hook line and sinker if they are labeled as facts.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: When you catch a girl glancing at you, she wants you to look back and smile
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Not necessarily. There could be a million different reasons ranging from you reminding her of someone else she knows, to some absolutely glaring outfit or hair style you're sporting and she can't help but notice and has to do her best not to gawk.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: When a girl bumps into your arm while walking with you she wants you to hold her hand
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Um, er, - no...Better be careful not to walk within bumping distance of anybody then!
👧🏼👧Chainsg: When she wants a hug she will just stand there
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: What…The heck?
Try to imagine how disastrous this would be if people took this chain seriously. They'd be going up and trying to hug every random female they see standing at a crosswalk, at a bus stop, in line at the bank, the store, the movies, a ticket outlet, etc. and you can bet that wouldn't go over too well.
Girl: *Stands at bus stop*
duditz Doofus: *Sees girl standing there and runs over, ready to 'glomp' her*
Girl: *Struggles to get away from doofus* "WTH? Get a life!"
Duditz doofus: *Holds on, looking puppy dog eyes at girl and hugging the heck out of her* "I can tell you need a hug."
Girl: *Glares and struggles harder* "Lay off already! You're gonna make me miss - "
Bus drives off.
Girl: *cusses loudly in duditz's ear* Thanks to you, I'll be late for work! Now I have to wait for the next friggin' bus!"
Duditz doofus: *Snaps out of it and looks apologetically at girl* Oh, sorry…Sorry, sorry, sorry, I just thought because you were standing there you wanted a hug, and I wanted to give it to you in this all too loveless world."
Girl: *Looks incredulous* "No, I don't need a hug! I was standing here, waiting for my bus! What I need is a pay check, moron!"
Duditz doofus: "Oh. Well, a chain letter told me that girls who just stand there, want hugs."
👧🏼👧Chainsg: When u break a girls heart she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Not so likely...especially if she's in a good relationship with someone else, and even if she isn't, you're just ancient history.
👦👦🏼ChainsB: When a guy calls you, he wants to be with you
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Actually no. I get calls from guys about anything from church to business to old friends wanting to keep in touch. I also get calls from telemarketers who are guys so there goes that theory.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: is quiet,
👧🏼👧Chainsg&👦🏽2B: millions of things are running
👦🏽Chain2B: in his
👧🏼👧Chainsg: through her
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: My daydreams aren't that hectic! Other times I'm quiet because I'm concentrating on something or just enjoying a quiet moment.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Or maybe, s/he just doesn't want to talk! I know some seriously air-headed girls and guys alike, and TRUST ME, when they're quiet, they'd be lucky to have ONE thing going through their minds. You can't say that someone is being infinitely thoughtful just because s/he's being quiet.
👦Chain1B: He's listening to you...
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: and if I'm not saying anything? So, according to this chain drip, guys listen when they are quiet, as opposed to mere boys and girls, who have millions of things running in/through their minds. Got it.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: is not arguing,
👧🏼👧Chainsg&👦🏽2B: is thinking deeply.
👦Chain1B: realizes he's wrong
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So girls and boys have two modes, arguing or thinking deeply, while guys have two modes, arguing, and being wrong? Holy cow this is lame!
🤦🏽♀️BP: And let me guess, when she's arguing, she is still thinking deeply, but with the passion and wit only a girl could have, right? *withering glare* I can see where this is going...
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: What absolute tosh! Here's what this translates as, and it's pretty silly: if you're a girl or a boy, you can be in two modes only, arguing, or deeply thinking. When the boy becomes a guy, one of his modes changes so that he can no longer think deeply except for knowing he is in the wrong. This means girls and boys can't engage in small talk or fun, because that doesn't usually have much to do with deep thought or else in order to be a girl or a boy, everything that comes out of your mouth must be a deep thought or fighting words; and when you argue with a guy, he eventually goes quiet because he is automatically wrong and must listen to you, who just won the argument, even if you're a complete idiot.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: looks at you with eyes full of questions,
👦👦🏼ChainsB: .... he
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: is wondering how long you will be around.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: More likely trying to figure out what the heck you just said or why you just did something really weird or outrageous.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Or, wondering what that stain on your shirt is, or wondering if she remembered to brush her teeth, or wondering what color that bird is way off behind you, or...you get the picture, right? And what's with the little hearts after every statement? Give it a rest!
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👦Chain1B: guy says,
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: "I'm fine," after a few
👧🏼👧Chainsg&👦🏽2B: is not at all fine.♥
👦Chain1B: means it
🤦🏽♀️BP: Pssh! What, so you're not allowed to be fine? Maybe she wasn't paying attention, and just took a bit longer to answer. If I'm fine, I'll say I'm fine, dang it.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So boys and girls do the same thing again but once the boy grows up into a guy he suddenly reacts differently to the same question. Right.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: stares at you,
👦👦🏼ChainsB: ..... he
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: is wondering why you are
👧🏼Chain1G: playing games
👦Chain1B: wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Well that's awfully stupid of them, since I don't lie or play games, which is also why when people do stupid annoying things, I can only tolerate and be nice about it for so long, and then that's it. BTW I'm not going to start caring for every guy who stares creepily at me. You see how these whacked out theories of yours just don't work?
🤦🏽♀️BP: Lovely! You're assuming everyone this girl/boy stares at is a liar! What, so now the world is full of pathological liars? Oh, just dandy! You do see how ridiculous that is, right?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No kidding. Reality check to chain duditz: when a girl/guy/boy stares at you, it's more likely s/he's just seen you do something outrageous.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧Chainsg&👦🏽2B: wants to see
👦Chain1B: calls texts comments
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: you everyday...
👦👦🏼ChainsB: ... he
👧🏼👧Chainsg&👦🏽2B: wants to be
🤦🏽♀️BP: Off all the shallow things-! What, so you can't want to see someone unless you want that person to wait on you hand and foot? H'm! Fooey on that!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Er, no! If that's the case, guys, get out, quick! Seriously, I'm not that self-centered. If I want to see someone every day, it means I genuinely like them and do not wish to be pampered.
👦🏽Chain2B: wants to be yours 4eva.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I don't plan on owning another person "4eva", or ever...
👦Chain1B: is in love
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Um, I don't do the text message thing - but again, it would probably depend more on the content of the messages.
So, if a guy is capable of being in love, how is it that he lost the deep thought and went downhill to arguing or knowing he's wrong? Why would he text/comment/call if he's restricted to those two modes, and where does love come into it? See how that just doesn't fly?
👧🏼Chain1G: When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Amazing how such a simple act can supposedly convey such a loaded message! Crap - better not let my head touch some guy's chest, ever. Not even in a long line up for groceries or at the bank. And don't forget the ticket master or any crowded event in or outside.
👧Chain2G: When your laying your head on a guy's chest, he has the world
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Gosh, I never knew the world was my head! Crikey Gee whizz holy freakin Batman!
👦👦🏼ChainsB: When a boy lets you lay on his chest ... he is wishing for you to be his forever.......
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Why would I do that? And I'm nobody's…
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: can't live without you,
👧🏼👧Chainsg: she has made up her mind that you are her future
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Or 1. She needs help, or 2. She's just been listening to too many mushy love songs and thinks you'll appreciate hearing her say some cute puppy-love things.
👦👦🏼ChainsB: he's with you til your done
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Til I'm done what? And that would worry me. It's enough to be responsible for my own life, I don't want somebody else hinging their life or lack of it on whether or not they can live with me.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: says, "I miss you,"
👧🏼👧Chainsg&👦🏽2B: no one in this world can miss you more than that.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: I beg to differ. Kids can really miss their parents every bit as much when separated and the other way around.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Again, you're assuming the best! I hate to sound like the pessimistic one, but let's be honest: people aren't like that! It doesn't matter if you're a girl or a guy, how much you miss someone depends on your relationship with that person. For instance, I'd miss a friend a heck of a lot more than I'd miss you, you stupid chain...
👦Chain1B: he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: What the… - EXCUSE ME -
You just said I'm not anywhere near as capable of missing anybody as much as your cardboard-cut-out guy is. *Scowl* NOT TRUE!
And really, your trying to turn the concept of missing people into a weird sort of contest based on gender is absolutely ape. Please, shut up!
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a girl is mean to you after a break-up she wants you back, but shes scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Really now!?
"You were such a jerk and I'm only being mean so you'll come back and be a jerk to me all over again"
I think not! It's called hurt and vengence, nothing to do with wanting some loser back.
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: When a
👦Chain1B: (good) guy
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh for gosh sakes, where's the disclaimer for the girl?
👦Chain1B: tells you he loves you,
👧🏼👧Chainsg: says ' I love you ' .. she
👧🏼👧👦👦🏼Chains: means it.♥
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: While that would be true in my case, it sadly isn't true with at least some girls that just manipulate people's emotions to get what they want.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Oh, please! You're assuming every girl in the world is just perfect. I know for a fact there are girls out there who would lie their faces off just for the heck of it.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person...
🤦🏽♀️BP: Well, DUH. Way to go, you get the Stating-the-Obvious award!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: You don't have to spend it with anyone if you don't want to.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Find a guy... who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Sigh of annoyance* No, because as I've said before, 'beautiful' is just a more PC way of saying 'hot if the guy just wants to get with you, unless you are already in a secure relationship with a guy who loves you. Get over the freaking "beautiful" thing!
👧🏼👧Chainsg: who calls you back when you hang up on him.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No thanks. What if that guy is a stalker?
🤦🏽♀️BP: Why are you hanging up on this guy, anyway? From what you've been saying so far, you sound like a real jerk. You only want to be around people when you can be pampered, you think everyone is lying to you, you want people to drip on compliments, and only certain ones, or you'll blow a fuze-sheesh, you're a major crum.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ewww! I don't want an Edward Cullen!
🤦🏽♀️BP: Eww...that's getting creepy. Why would you want to be with someone who wants to watch you sleep? Uh, pass.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Wait for the guy who ... kisses your forehead.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Unless you're not looking for a relationship.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Well, that's fine and dandy, but what if you don't want to be shown off? Excuse me if some people don't want to be displayed...
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: In other words, a guy who likes you the way you are, fine, if you want a relationship. BUT - and this is IMPORTANT: I am not a trophy and do not want a guy who wants to "show me off" like a prized piece of property, no matter what I'm dressed in! Got that?
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Oh, yeah, let's give him all sorts of kudos for having the guts to do that! *rolls eyes* Gimme a break!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That's up to personal preference, maybe you might or might not be the type to hold hands as well.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Constantly? Er, no, that would be a bit much. I'd worry about his possible insecurity, and don't trust or need people stroking my ego.
🤦🏽♀️BP: That would get annoying. Seriously. This guys sounds like a stalker...heh, and that fits you! You, the overdemanding, self-obsessed whiney-boo, and him, the obsessive, moronic lapdog!
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Who turns to his friends and says, ' That's her!! '
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: As if that wasn't already obvious? What am I, a "him"?
🤦🏽♀️BP: Yeah, as if people want to be introduced like that all the time...again, annoying!
👧🏼👧Chainsg: repost this in 10 minutes and your true love will call you
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Who believes this malarkey.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: someone was in your mind as you read this
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Actually, no.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Post this as
IF YOUR A GUY " When a guy calls you..."
IF YOUR A GIRL POST IT AS "When a girl calls you
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Sorry, it's been renamed "Mangled Messages from Muddled Minds"
👧🏼👧Chainsg: If you open this you have to
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: do nothing this chain tells you to do.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: repost it, guy or girl, or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life!!!!!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah right.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Hey, one exclamation point will suffice, y'know! Besides, you have no power. Deal with it.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: This chain had the bad luck to run into me.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: If I don't get this back I guess your not my friend.......
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Snivel and blackmail much? If that's the way you feel, and you're gullible enough to base your friendships on whether or not people send you back copies of this stupid chain, you haven't a clue about what friendship is.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Aaaaaggggh! You bet your boots I'm not your friend, but not because I didn't pass this on! It's because you're a creep! Go eat rocks and die.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: If you have a lot of love for someone, copy and send this to your whole list.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Wait, so if you like ONE person, send this to everyone? How's that logic workin' for ya?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: NOT!
👧🏼👧Chainsg: In 5 minutes your true love will call or message you.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah right, who believes this bull? As if posting this junk to "all my list" whatever that comprises, would like zipity-zap ding, make the phone ring with the caller being some true love that suddenly got blipped into the universe for me? I don't think so!
🤦🏽♀️BP: So, um, do I know this person? Or is this some creepy lapdog like you have? Either way...pass.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you...
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So which is it? The phone ringing, or a true love realizing he likes me? And wouldn't that be taking a step back for him anyway? True loves generally already love you, they don't suddenly just realize they "like" you at midnight, whether you forward a stupid chain letter or not.
🤦🏽♀️BP: What, and is he going to call me? Anyone who calls me at midnight is going to get a good yelling at, unless it's something really important. And this isn't.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: Something good will happen to you at approx. 1:42pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Like this chain getting smashed instead of reposted to a bunch of other people.
🤦🏽♀️BP: And what's with the random time? Your favorite number, or something? Gah...
👧🏼👧Chainsg: So get ready for the biggest shock of your life.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Blah-dee-blah-dee-blah...lemme guess, horrible things will happen to me.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ah yes, that old shock of your life thing. Not buying it.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: If you break this chain, you will be cursed with relationship problems for the most important time of your life.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: And the Join The Crew virus will totally eat your computer... What rot.
🤦🏽♀️BP: Boloney! You can't do a dang thing to me.
👧🏼👧Chainsg: S end this to 15 people in 15 minutes to carry on the chain...and spare yourself the emotional stress.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, so now it's not all my list any more? I think you're a bit confused. I've just spared myself some emotional stress by giving myself a laugh at the expense of these lame chain letters.
They lie here, mangled!
🤦🏽♀️BP: And now, you have been officially smashed. You may now crawl off into a hole and die.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Over and out!