Faux Jesus Letter - Christmas




🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Urgh! You know, I don't really like being told to remember people's birthdays. I don't mind the Facebook reminders because they are all about my friends and family. But bulletin style birthday alerts on email lists where it's me and mostly strangers, setting off a massive reaction to every alert with some member's friends posting "Happy birthday so-and-so!" clogging the inbox.

Then there are memes that tell you to "Remember my birthday!" those are usually gender-related, from a girl's point of view, telling the guy to remember it or else. Take Tips For Guys and this shining example, a Facebook chain called 257 Things A Girl wished A Guy Knew it demands so many times for guys to remember girls' birthdays, else the relationship is basically over.

And then there's this meme, I am pretty sure none of my friends are actually gauche enough to just send off an email, telling their friends personally to "Remember my birthday!

Is this person's birthday even in December? That's when I got this chain. which leads me to another infuriating idea as to what this forward might be driving at, but more on that later.

I'm not a "Happy birthday!" dispensing bot. and, let's face it - everybody has a birthday. If one person who associates with me expects me to remember their birthday, and then I happen to forget the birthday of the next person, what does that make me look like? Playing favourites because I wished them happy birthday and just forgot on yours? Not at all. But if you're going to remember one, then it only looks fair if you remember all, and, sorry, people, but I just can't always do that.

So, to whoever started this meme and duped one of my contacts into spreading it:

Self-centered much?

I had this and that on my schedule, I had this or that concern, I haven't been feeling well, EXCUSE ME, whoever you are, for not putting your birthday first and foremost in my mind at all times!

And now for my other suspicion. With this chain barging into my inbox so close to Christmas, if you are trying to impersonate Jesus by any chance, prepare to get screamed at!

🤥Meme: to my birthday.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Pardon me for not joining you in toasting yourself.

🤥Meme: Every year there is a celebration in my honor

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah so? There's one in mine as well as anybody who celebrates friends and families' birthdays. So you're not exactly unique… Everybody has a birthday and many many people celebrate those.

🤥Meme: and I think that this year the celebration will be repeated.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So what? People who celebrate birthdays generally don't just stop one year. I know someone who actually gave it a good hard try, bothered by getting older, and personally I think that is extremely silly, but that's beside the point. Obviously your own birthday is way too important for you to not celebrate it this year, so saying it would be repeated is redundant.

🤥Meme: During this time there are many people shopping for gifts,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Duh! That's what people do for birthdays and christmas, doofus!

🤥Meme: there are many radio announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer.


Look, whoever you are:

1. You are not Jesus!

2. You are not cool trying to impersonate him!

3. You are not the first or only hoaxer to make up a meme and pretend it's from Jesus.

4. Jesus's birthday is talked about worldwide, not yours!

5. The last thing anyone needs is another meme that mocks Christianity by duping them into spamming the net and looking like drips, just inviting more Christian-haters to bash on us! Christians don't need to be reminded to celebrate Christmas. People who don't believe in christ are not going to be moved by this meme, except of course, to use it as another opportunity to get a lulz-fix at our expense again!

🤥Meme: It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: fine, whatever. Lots of people like to be remembered on their birthday. You're still not Jesus, and he isn't the type to get crushed over a birthday being forgotten.

So you failed to move me to anything but wanting to punch you in the nose and tell you to cut the crap and dry up!

🤥Meme: As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You're not Jesus, but you're apparently just a very old hoaxer…

🤥Meme: At first people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for them,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You did nothing for anybody, as far as I know. You are NOT Jesus! All I'm aware of your doing is starting this stupid meme, and very sadly, some people must've been thankful for that or it never would've gone anywhere. *Rolling eyes*

🤥Meme: but

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: But whine whine whine whine…

🤥Meme: in these times,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, brother, here we go freaking yet again with the "Thangs Was Betta Back In Da Good Ol' Daaaaaays!" Rubbish! Times change. Some of that is for the better, some for the worse. That's the world! Get used to it! I'm not going to let you rain on my christmas with this "Waaaaaaah! They're killing Christmas all over the world and it was so much better way back when!" meme whinge!

every era has its good and bad.

🤥Meme: no one seems to know the reason for the celebration.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Bull!

Jesus was born to Mary in Bethlehem. I just debunked your paranoid "war on Christmas" crap. somebody knows the meaning of Christmas! And I was taught by other people. there are songs about it, there are movies about it, there are TV shows, even kids specials that at least touch on it. Choirs sing about it. They sell Nativity scenes worldwide. There are Christmas cards with manger scenes. Unless you live some place like Iran or Japan. you'd have to be living pretty deep under a rock not to know at least a bit about where Christmas comes from, if you're in the Americas, Europe, Australia or New Zealand.!

So don't be so arrogant in your paranoia, and don't think you can manipulate me into spreading this alarmism on!

🤥Meme: Family and friends get together and have a lot of fun,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Which is what's usually done on birthdays, and on Christmas. Would you rather we all wore sack cloth and went around wailing about something?

🤥Meme: but they don't know the meaning of the celebration.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Only some people, jerk! Lots and lots and lots of us have fun and know the meaning of Christmas! Yeah there are atheists who just use it as an excuse to have a holiday, but that's their thing. Look, I really don't care what atheists do on Christmas and why. If you'd stop fixating on this stupid "war on Christmas" you're so determined to keep starting, you would finally come to know the real meaning of Christmas yourself. But you're too busy trying to bring Christians down instead of showing real Christmas spirit! Instead of us celebrating Christmas, you want us all crying through the whole season over the atheists.. Well I refuse to come to your pity-party and promote your imaginary "war on Christmas" and I certainly won't spread this meme on to anyone else, to either bring another Christian down and possibly dupe them into replicating this further, or to give any atheist the satisfaction.

You must realize how bogus the liberal and feminist "War om women" thing is.

Do you want to be like the people who espouse that stuff?

If not, then please, cut the "War on Christmas" thing! I do not want to see us Christians being discredited because of liberal chain letter meme tactics.

🤥Meme: I remember that last year there was a great feast in my honor.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So what? There was one in my honour as well as one in the honours of all my family throughout the year with every birthday. And you're still not Jesus…

🤥Meme: The dinner table was full of delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and chocolates.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: so what? We had stuff like that at our birthdays too. and you are NOT Jesus!

🤥Meme: The decorations were exquisite and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: if your birthday is at or around Christmas time, there are going to be lots and lots of decorations and gifts around, and not all of them for you, either… Unless you really did get a pile of gifts from friends you somehow managed to talk into spending small fortunes on you. Considering you're trying to pass yourself off as Jesus, I wouldn't be surprised - you'd do anything to get people coddling you.

🤥Meme: But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: If you weren't invited, that means you weren't there, which means you didn't actually remember this dinner because you can't remember specifically how things looked at a place you weren't at during that time. so there goes your story, out the window. You are so obviously not Jesus, and Jesus is not a pity-junky…

🤥Meme: I was the guest of honor

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Bollox! You just said you weren't invited. Get your bullcrap straight.

🤥Meme: and they didn't remember to send me an invitation.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, please, how stupid do you think we Christians are!? A Guest of honor doesn't require an invite to their own party! But you were so sure I'd feel so incredibly sorry for you in your Jesus disguise that I'd be too emotionally walloped to think straight and point this out. Well, you failed, profoundly, and you get not an iota of sympathy from me.

Oh, BTW, Christians always celebrate Christmas in Jesus's honour, not yours. Atheists don't, they just take the opportunity to live it up, Jesus simply isn't the guest of honour at their celebrations anyway. So that completely tosses your whole load of rubbish right down the garbage shoot!

🤥Meme: The party was for me,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No it wasn't. You weren't invited, remember?

🤥Meme: but when that great day came, I was left outside, they closed the door in my face.........

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I have no idea who "they" are, but it seems to me you have more serious issues than believing yourself to be some perverse re-encarnation of Jesus. If they "forgot" to send you an invite, maybe "they" just didn't know you from a hole in the ground. after all, you are not Jesus. for all they knew, you could've simply been some criminal looking to rob them. that would warrant getting the door slammed in your face. It's just not safe letting total strangers into one's home. And I'm not talking about strangers to me that my sister knows and she brought along to the Christmas party, but complete strangers. the kind you just don't know what weapons they might be packing. Probably if "they" were asked, and gave their side of the story, even you'd have to admit you hardly make for a sympathetic victim. I have this mental image of how this would've gone down.

You, the meme originator: *running up to some random house, flinging the door open and busting in* "Honor me! It's my birthday!"

Them: "Man, this guy's whacked! Let's get him out of here before he hurts somebody!"

You: "But you were supposed to send me an invite!"

Them: "Dude, we have no idea who you are!"

You: "I'm Jesus!"

Them: "Yeah right, get out of here!" *Slams door and calls police.

Though if you're not writing this from jail, you must've cut and run pretty fast.

🤥Meme: and I wanted to be with them and share their table.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, you're not Jesus, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be slighted by families having Christmas dinner.

🤥Meme: In truth,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: There's no truth in this meme!

🤥Meme: that didn't surprise me

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, right, you were so underwhelmed that you started a great big meme whinge about it. Yeah I'm so convinced…

🤥Meme: because in the last few years

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: In the last few years, idiots have discovered they can really manipulate Christians into a panic every Christmas, well it won't work on me, pal! You've got me ticked off at you!

🤥Meme: all close their doors to me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well since you are not Jesus, and you are a hoaxer with some big entitlement issues, who gets his kicks pushing the Jesus-pity/panic button on Christians, I wish all Christians would close the door to you where this meme is concerned!

🤥Meme: Since I was not invited, I decided to enter the party without making any noise.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: yeah, you're not Jesus. He'd never do something so gauche.

🤥Meme: I went in and stood in a corner.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Which is where you belong, with a dunce cap on!

🤥Meme: They were all drinking;

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Lots of parties have drinking, but not everybody drinks at a party. You're just saying that to try appealing to us Christians who don't drink booze. It isn't working on me. I don't care what or if anyone was drinking, or eating, or singing, or anything else at this party you were trying to crash. And even Christians drink. That doesn't make them less a Christian and it doesn't mean they don't know what Christmas is all about. Even god-loving people of the bible drank socially, and sometimes, they even got drunk. It's a weakness of human nature to indulge too much, whether they are God-loving or not. The difference is at least us God-lovers do try not to repeat the behaviour and we're not proud of it when it happens.

🤥Meme: there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well you know, this could've been a party thrown by some atheists, or even Christians who have a weakness for getting plastered sometimes. So freaking what? I'm still not sorry for you, and you are still not Jesus.

🤥Meme: They were having a great time.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: And you were moping around, sulking, being a real drama queen because for some reason you decided to ditch your own family's Christmas party in favour of crashing a party at some stranger's, all so you could write a "Woe is me!" meme, pretending to be Jesus. You stink!

🤥Meme: To top it all, this big fat man


Not again with the STUPID FREAKIN "Waaaaaah! Santa's hogging all of Christmas!" bullcrap!

I - am - SO - BLASTEd - SICK - OF - SEEING - THIS Santa VS. Jesus" tripe!

Look, stinkface: there is room for Jesus and Santa, specifically ST. Nicholas in Christmas, and Santa was inspired by ST Nicholas, who, I will add, was a CHRISTIAN! So cram it!

Another thing, unlike you, the real Jesus is not a food-cop, and doesn't care about appearance. He doesn't care if your hair is dark, fair, or red, he doesn't care if you have blue, brown, or anywhere in between eyes. He doesn't care if you are black, white, or any skin color in between, he doesn't care if you are fat or thin. So he certainly wouldn't be basically pointing, sneering and whining about Santa as a "fat man" taking over Christmas! Every person obsessed with being a food-cop or that sham of a "body positivity" movement, BLM, feminism, MGTOW etc. could learn a few things from Jesus, ditch all the appearance/race/gender-obsessed identity politics, and really make the world a better place, year round.

🤥Meme: all dressed in red wearing a long white beard

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Jesus doesn't care what color outfit Santa has or how long his hair or beard is either. You are not Jesus!

🤥Meme: entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That's not a yell, moron, it's a laugh!

🤥Meme: He seemed drunk.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Right, at this party you were just dying to be included in, though I have no idea why, you just assume everybody's drunk. *Rolling eyes* Just shut it already!

🤥Meme: He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well then he can't be drunk. You just wanted him to be so you could smear Santa as some sort of eeeeeeeevvvvvvvviiiiiiiillllllll influence sucking the very life out of Christmas.

Well you know what really sucks?


🤥Meme: saying : "Santa Claus, Santa Claus"... as if the party were in his honor !

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, shut the blasted heck up!

Santa is a part of Christmas, like it or not! No, stupid, Christmas is not in Santa's honour! Santa is a legend that appeals to little kids! I'm not going into what I like about the Santa aspect of Christmas and what I don't, but you've got me so ticked off at you that I should have no trouble pounding out the music at the performance this morning! You deserve a good few slaps upside the head! Get a life!

🤥Meme: At 12 midnight all the people began to hug each other ;

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So you skulked around for hours like a slinking rat just looking for a chance to take some unfortunate victim by surprise, what a loser! And you're still not Jesus! You should've taken the hint and buzzed off long ago!

🤥Meme: I extended my arms waiting for someone to hug me and ....

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, this is where I'm supposed to get a big heart-yank and cry or something?

Don't count on it, pal!

You are not Jesus, and he would not have acted this way at a party. Neither would he start a drippy self-pitying meme!

🤥Meme: do you know .... no one hugged me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Why should they hug a creepy stranger who first tries to crash their party, then lurks around like some stalker?

You are not Jesus, you were not a guest, you were not welchome, and you are not entitled to getting hugs from just anybody because you think you're so awesome!

🤥Meme: Suddenly they all began to share gifts.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Hello? I thought the gifting was long over, you know, with the Santa Claus bit and all. Why share gifts at this late stage? You said it was already midnight, isn't it time this dreadful thing wrapped up?

🤥Meme: They opened them one by one with great expectation.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Duh! Look, you insufferable idiot, I've lived through a few Christmases in my time, I know what gift openings are like. You are only making me more and more irritated with your never-ending descriptive obviousness ramble! Just put a sock in it already!

🤥Meme: When all had been opened,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You got really sad and even sorrier for yourself because nobody thought you were Jesus and nobody paid any attention to you, oh, boo-hoo, cry me a freaking ocean.

🤥Meme: I looked to see if, maybe, there was one for me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: here's one for you *Punch!* Now - shut - up!

🤥Meme: What would you feel if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one ?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: What would you feel if you knew you were about to be nailed to a cross? How would you face a Roman interrogation? How would you feel on that cross? Come on, jerkface, Jesus went through a HECK of a lot worse than not getting a few gifts at a party.

And, on an ordinary person's birthday, when gifts are given, it is always and only to the birthday person, but it's very, very different with Christmas. Christmas is not about giving gifts to Jesus, it is about giving gifts to each other and honouring Jesus that way.

🤥Meme: I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Sheesh! It sure took you long enough to take a hint!

🤥Meme: Every year it gets worse.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: What gets worse every year is the dang meme problem, especially this whole "war on Christmas" bull!

🤥Meme: People only remember to eat and drink, the gifts, the parties

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Wrong! Not everybody parties. Not everybody drinks booze. And we all have to eat, and with a celebration, it's good to eat. Would you rather turn Christmas into a Ramadan clone? Well then, stop whinging!

🤥Meme: and nobody remembers me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Except the people who really count in your life, your friends and family. Nobody else "remembers you because nobody else knows you, twink! You are NOT Jesus! Go back to those who you mean something to and keep your snivelling manipulative fraudulent nose out of other people's business and let them celebrate Christmas in their own way!

🤥Meme: I would like this Christmas that you allow me to enter into your life.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You don't know me! You are not Jesus! I don't make friends with hoaxers, especially those who pretend to be Jesus and put such self-centred dreck in his mouth, making him out to be a real whining creep in order to try making christians feel bad at Christmas with stupid memes! I have Jesus in my life, I do not want you!

🤥Meme: I would like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to this world to give my life for you, on the cross, to save you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Wrong, delusional nutcase, you didn't, Jesus did! You are NOT Jesus! All you've done is write a stupid guilt-tripping meme from a very crummy fictionalized version of Jesus you made up in your head!

🤥Meme: Today, I only want that you believe this with all you heart.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I believe Jesus was born and died for me, with all my heart. I do not believe this about you! You are NOT Jesus!

🤥Meme: I want

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: 'I want I want I want I want' Now you just sound like a piffling little brat! Will you ever shut up?

🤥Meme: to share something with you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, my table, well, forget it, pal, you don't know me or where I live, and I'm not going to "share" your lousy meme with anyone!

🤥Meme: As many didn't invite me to their party,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Because you were an unwelcome party crasher trying to seek attention for yourself, and attempting to get me feeling sorry for you via this fake Jesus act meme, well, you're not invited to any celebration of mine either!

🤥Meme: I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party that no one has ever imagined, a spectacular party.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah I'll just bet, well, you go ahead and do that, dude, unfortunately all the poor saps who fell for your ploy and passed on your meme have sure given you reason to laugh and whoop it up this year. But don't invite me. I'm not coming to your party!

🤥Meme: I'm still making the final arrangements.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Like starting another meme similar to this one? *Rolling eyes*

🤥Meme: Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation for you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: An invitation to re-share this meme AKA spamming people, which translates as coming to your party, Consider it turned down, flat! I wasn't kidding when I said your guilt-tripping sacrilegious hogwash wasn't working on me.

🤥Meme: I want

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Cut the "I want" I'm not your Santa!

🤥Meme: to know if you wish to attend and I will make a reservation for you

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I already gave you my answer, and you can't make reservations for meme parties. People either pass them on or they don't.

🤥Meme: and write your name with golden letters in my great guest book.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'm sure you have a neat little list, probably done up in guestbook style with gold font where you do put the names and email addresses/user ids of people whose internet info you've collected from circulation of this rotten forward, but you'll never get mine.

🤥Meme: Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, Yeah, the "party" being in actuality receiving more spam in the future as a reward for spreading this chain. For you, that would be a great, fantastic party, not so much for anyone else.

🤥Meme: Those who don't answer the invitation, will be left outside.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: oh goody, is that a promise?

🤥Meme: Do you know how you can answer this invitation?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, by replicating this meme!

🤥Meme: it is by extending it to others whom you care for...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: BINGO!

Forget it.

I'll make my own invitations to any parties, I'm not sending this faux Jesus sorry excuse of an invitation to anyone.

🤥Meme: I'll be waiting for all of you to attend my party this year...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Then you'll wait a very long time. I'm not coming to a hoax party put on by a fake Jesus.

🤥Meme: See you soon ....

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Like in this mangle. Hope you like what you see, then.

🤥Meme: I love you !

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Eeeeeeurgh! Get away! Creep!

🤥Meme: -- Author Unknown

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well surprise, surprise. Good ol' Anonymous struck again, this time, making Jesus out to be some pathetic, creepy, whining, guilt-tripping, self-centred freak.


And that's not all. There is a faux Jesus letter anti-chain too.

Over and out!

*Storms off*


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