Meme: LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER.
Ocean: Not really. It's just a meme trying to sound like an Irish mother.
Meme: Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Ocean: That's not an Irish mother, that's a typical stereotype wench-in-law. *Rolling eyes*
Meme: Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat.
Ocean: Let me guess, you caught a cold. You'll get over it.
Meme: The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
Ocean: Cut the crap, you're not too sick to attempt a guilt-trip.
Meme: I've sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Ocean: That's just conjecture on your part. Nobody wants money with orders and condescending crap from a guilt-tripping crone.
Meme: Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.
Ocean: Wow, what kind of Christmas letter is this? Telling your son your planning on suicide? Well, you didn't use that word, but flowers are meant to be out and looked at, you ditz. If you die, more can be bought, or picked, all depending when you die.
Meme: Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Ida and I dug her up and had the services all over again.
Ocean: Ugh! What kind of morbid people are you? Gross!
Meme: I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.
Ocean: Oh, right, the thought never occurring to you that just maybe your son wouldn't actually want to go to a re-funeral...
Meme: I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Ocean: Ugh! Lady, you are truly one sick person to actually have something like that videoed, and expect someone else to be interested, let alone watch it. Have you no self-respect whatsoever?
My Mom had far more class than you, and she wouldn't have something like that filmed in the first place, let alone want so much as one of her daughters watching it!
Meme: Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.
Ocean: You just do that, dear-heart...
Meme: I lost my cane beating off muggers last week,
Ocean: I can't think of who would even want to get near enough to mug you if you want to know the truth. But criminals are a different sort...
Meme: but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Ocean: How about - nah, forget it, just freeze to death then if it's less painful for you...
Meme: Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year.
Ocean: And yet you sent them 10 pounds because you think your grandkids are starving. Keep your stories straight.
Meme: Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Ocean: 1. I'm pretty sure your son was old enough to no longer be screaming at your bosom when he got married...
2. Who cares about her hair color? You shouldn't. Stop being so shallow and petty.
Meme: Merry Christmas,
Love, Mum!!..
Ocean: Shut it!
No love back, from someone not your kid nor someone your kid is married to.
Ocean
PS. I'll take that 10 pounds, thank you! *Makes off with it*
Over and out!