Meme: Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
Ocean: First grade and they're already delving into the history of Valentine's? Uh that seems a bit hard to believe. From my school days, we didn't study that in any grade, we just exchanged cards, had an in class celebration - maybe.
Meme: 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,' she asks,'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?'
Ocean: That's just stupid. First, Valentine's started out as a day about the saint, and even he is rather enigmatic. Second, it is not a Jewish holiday, although people of any religion can and do celebrate it because of the romance aspect that crept in and replaced the religious aspects of it.
Third, and most important, God is not going to get mad when someone does something kind, like giving out cards and gifts! Gah, what a pinhead question! And it's a mockery of God, in the form of a joke. Not cool...!
Meme: Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?'
Ocean: He doesn't think God will get mad? What kind of a wimpy answer is that? How about just straight up "no" and see above...?
Meme: 'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
Ocean: Uh excuse me? How screwed up is this kid to want to give a valentine to a dead terrorist? Wow, nice going, Melissa, way to be!
Meme: 'Why Osama Bin Laden,' her father asks in shock.
Ocean: And now this twisted kid is going to come up with an answer that's going to be mind-numbingly stupid or else just bring on a fit of eye-rolling.
There are islamic memes that condemn Valentine's day, so I suppose this whole Bin Laden thing plays off that as well.
Meme: 'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a Little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone Anymore.'
Ocean: The guy's dead, kid! He's been dead for years! Your little "love" project doesn't work on evil people like that anyway.
Meme: Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
Ocean: Ugh. Cue the fanfare music and the cartoon sound effect for something swelling. I'm gonna try to keep from getting sick.
Meme: 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'
Ocean: *Cough, cough, choke, gag*
Meme: 'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f***er.'
Ocean: Not typical of a first-grader at all, but that's darling Melissa, duplicitous as ever. And yes, she tossed the f-bomb.
But she's incredibly late on the draw. The terrorist is already dead.
But Melissa has been going around doing fake sweetness and light and shooting innocent people in the back ever since she failed to get Bin Laden and all the glory for herself.
Over and out!