By Diana Morton (with additions and edits by Nerfman, Indy, Jen Zatoth and Capri)
You know you might be an animal rights/welfare activist if:
1. You perceive immense animal suffering behind most exploits of man.
2. You perceive meat-eating as a ravenously selfish, satanic ritual; wrought in cannibalism.
3. You see nothing except screaming "dead animal corpses" on plates instead of great smelling meat
4. You feel like a spy in the meat section of the grocery store.
5. You feel incredibly sorry for animals all of the time.
6. Your heart literally aches for animals all of the time.
7. You take the side of the animal all of the time.
8. You feel like you store an animal data bank in the left side of your brain.
9. You find it difficult to distinguish between a token domestic and what you call a "factory-farmed" animal.
10. You are willing to be made a laughing stock to rescue one animal, or feel an overpowering need to boast about any animal you 'rescued' even if you stomped all over some innocent human being to do it..
11. You want to vomit when they start talking in code: hamburger, steak, ham, pork, hot dog, etc
12. You want to vomit when they pray sanctimoniously over "tortured, butchered animal corpses" and utter, "Thank you, Jesus!"
13. You actually call a dead animal a "corpse" and the killing of an animal "murder".
14. You can't think of any place to go because you suspect an animal may have suffered somewhere down the line.
15. You perceive people starting to whisper when you are near about "who" they had for dinner.
16. You empathize at all times with the eternal 'suffering' and 'pain' of animals because of what you imagine as man's 'cruelty' and 'oppression' over them.
17. You bond with people better by strategically placing animals between you.
18. You know in your heart, Earth is a big cesspool, as you try to buy the next generation of animals some more time.
19. You strongly suspect you were an animal in your past life.
20. You know in your heart ALL animals rationalize, and they reason, love, think and feel everything to the exact same capacity as humans do; and just can't fathom why others don't see this obvious truth.
21. You believe God and/or your preferred deity honors and values (or should) the lives of all animals as much to die for as your own, but more than other human beings.
22. You understand and embrace the concept of love to be unconditional and all-inclusive for every animal but the human being.
The following additions were contributed by nerfman, Indy, Jen Zatoth and Capri
23. You value scientific findings based on how well they suit your own morality, not how well they provide consistent predictions or stand up to peer review.
24. You are positive you know more about interpretting theological doctrine than the Catholic Church, all the Protestant Churches in America, and most of the current Rabbis combined.
25. You enjoy making people who struggle against cancer and other grave conditions feel selfish for using modern, animal tested medications. In addition, you use their situation against them in order to promote your vegan diet, telling them some hooey hogwash you got from some twisted food-cop/animal activist group press release or chain letter, about how going vegan will get rid of their cancer, chemo therapy never works, and eating anything meat, dairy or eggs will kill them.
26. You think the Alaskan Iditirod is cruel, but fire-bombing somebody's place of business is cool.
27. You see hunting, fishing, and rodeo as disgustingly sick and exploitive, but you get a huge belly laugh or at least a very satisfied sense of 'justice' whenever a human being is injured or killed by a wild animal or bull.
28. When a vehicle hauling livestock is in an accident and the driver gets killed or seriously injured, your only tears are shed for the animals in that vehicle.
29. When a police officer and his/her service animal are hurt or killed in the line of duty, you only mourn the fate of the 'poor animal' and try to get laws passed to protect service animals instead of worrying about making punishments stiffer against crimes done to people.
30. Your rallying cry is "Save the animals! Kill the people!"
31. You actually ponder the veganity of fingernail biting, breast-feeding, or deep kissing. (Nerfman's original idea was not meant for all ages so was replaced.)
32. You're surprised that on the few occasions that you actually go into the woods, that all the deer and bunnies aren't hanging out with each other like in Bambi.-++++++
33. You'll actually sit somewhere else rather than move your pet - excuse me, 'companion animal' off a chair, not because he's cute lying there - rather, it's a moral issue for you.
34. When you talk about your kids, you're actually talking about your pets.
35. You talk about your pets as "furkids" "furbabies" or "four-legged children"
36. You call your real children (human) "skinkids"
37. You call yourself your pet's mommy/daddy/parent/guardian/steward/slave, seeing yourself as the animal's mommy rather than its owner, and you see the pet as your master.
38. You give your cat a cradle to sleep in and refuse to take care of a human baby for a neighbor, claiming you haven't got a place for him to sleep.
39. You yank a candy bar out of a three-year-old child's hand, claiming it's bad for them and some animal died to provide the fat - while you feed your cat vegan cat food because you can't stand meat in the house.
40. You actually get sick at the thought of eating meat but think it's just fine to force a vegan diet on the rest of the world.
41. You can't distinguish between cattle feed and the food for the third world.
42. It's okay to bring meat into the house if it's for your "companion animals" but you call it "murder" if it's for human consumption - even if it comes from the same butcher or market.
43. You serve your cat fancy feast gourmet, while throwing bones and buckets of blood to children. (In reference to one of PEta's stupid campaigns against KFC.)
44. You claim feeding meat to children is child abuse, and you feed your cat a vegan diet.
45. You don't believe a cat is a cannibal for eating a mouse, but you call it cannibalism when a human eats a burger or any kind of animal product.
46. You promote real cannibalism and the maiming and killing of people who use animal products in order to save animals and solve the "human overpopulation problem."
47. You are awe-struck at lions, wolves, or any wild animal carnivores showing their strength and stamina as they take down and eat their prey while it's still kicking - yet you sob crocodile tears over an animal's quick and painless death if some human benefits from it.
48. You package yourself up in a giant container that looks like a huge meat tray, strip and throw yourself on a pretend barbicue, put infants in turkey roasters or platters with all the trimmings, and other similar tasteless stunts in order to stop people from eating meat.
49. You dress up as a chicken to stop people from eating at KFC.
50. You dress up as a vegetable and show up at schools to tell the kiddies how much better you are for them to eat than meat or dairy.
51. You make out in public while chanting vegan mantras and exclamations of how much more sexy vegans are than those obese "meat-eating slobs".
52. You dress yourself in a tiger costume and put yourself in a cage to stop the circus.
53. You go naked to stop people from wearing fur.
54. You promote alcoholism over drinking milk any day.
55. You use unbelievably stupid terms like "earth raper" when going on a diatribe about how you think people are killing the environment.
56. You hate beekeepers because you believe they are bee-rapists.
57. You hate animal breeders because you think of them as pimps prostituting out animals.
58. You'd rather see a stiffer penalty for cutting down a tree than molesting a child.
59. You think women who own or wear fur deserve to be viciously raped.
60. You repeat horrible and sometimes campy gory stories about animal abuse that never really happened and then get terribly upset with anyone who dares to set the record straight and shatter your self-image as some sort of animal saint.
61. You believe all animals bred and living in captivity have overpopulation problems while the animals living in the wild utopias are all on the very brink of extinction because of humans.
62. You believe animals live idillic lives in the whild and any stress they have is minimal/natural, while animals living with humans are doomed to nothing but misery from birth to death.
63. You 'save' animals by killing them and putting their carcases in dumpsters. (Peta again.)
64. You feel persecuted against because the wildlife management plans you and your buddies came up with in the coffee house isn't accepted by experienced field biologists.
65. You prefer watching Chicken Run over Trials of Life any day.
66. You think that anyone opposing you is a red neck, and have recurring nightmares about your car breaking down in West Virginia or Mississippi (listen to CDB's "Uneasy Rider" to aleave your fears)
67. You won't join the military due to the fact that you are a 'pacifist' and a vegan and also don't condone their non-vegan rations, yet you sympathize with the ALF terrorists and call hunters cowards.
68. If given a chance to abolish hunting or the North American Man-Boy Love Association, you will get rid of hunting every time.
69. To promote veganism you memorize the names of twenty famous and brilliant vegetarians from history and make heedless reference to them every chance you get, forgetting that most weren't actually vegans and thus didn't share your beliefs to begin with. You also seemingly forget the other thousand brilliant people or so that were meat eating contemporaries of your heros.
70. You won't eat scallops or clams, which don't feel pain, even though you base your diet on preventing animal pain.
71. You spend a lot of your time on the internet writing about the evils of meat, and spend the rest of your time in the kitchen trying to make your vegan diet taste like meat.
72. Your family, not wanting to listen to your two hour diatribe about the evils of turkey farming on Thanksgiving, throw your tofurkey on the roof in an effort to actually get some peace and quiet.
73. You actually manage to convince yourself that tofu tastes good.
74. You are thrilled in your belief that you will live such a long and healthy life, but have a hard time finding someone to spend it with due to your 24 1/2 - 24 - 24 1/2 figure.
75. You drive through the ghetto, and when the poor people there take one look at you, they offer you their food stamps.
76. Your lack of B-12 and essential amino acids causes you partial loss of vision, which has the odd effect of making certain passages in the bible unreadable to you beyond what you can take of the book to twist into suiting your vegan idiology.
77. You're really good at smuggling narcotics because the depressions between your ribs are so deep.
78. Three months after you start your vegan diet, your father is happy because he thinks you are cutting weight for the state wrestling championships.
79. When you poop, the stench can clean out a skyscraper.
80. You scream about how eating animals will kill humans prematurely while drawing noxious fumes from your (clove) cigarette into your lungs.
81. You leap on the food-cop bandwagon and join the cry to ban everything that tastes good while hyping as many bogus studies and statistics as you can that tell you why organic food and any other current "health" trend is the only best and safe thing while what you call "junkfood" and fast food is a heart attack on a plate that will make you gain a ton just by looking at it.
82. You get mad when reading 68-80 because it's so not nice to joke about pitfalls of a vegan diet, yet you love anti-hunting jokes, and think it's fine with you for PEta to hand out flashcards that depict meat eaters as obese slobs who are all going to die of heart disease and get what PEta and you think they deserve.
83. You get mad when reading 68-80 because as a vegetarian, your feelings have been hurt. so you consequently are too cheesed off to find any of this list funny, ranting about it being nothing but crap and so on.
84. You're into some really creepy and sick activities I.E. bondage&discipline, domination/submission, in other words, inflicting pain on yourself or someone else with your/their consent - but can't find a master or slave with only vegan, non-leather accessories.
85. Virtual BDSM isn't real or disgusting enough for you, So, you instead get your jollies watching faked up PEta videos and reading horrible stories about animals being tortured or you participate in acts of staging abuse for the camera while shouting to anyone you can how compassionate and caring for the animals you think you are.
86. You think it's horribly cruel and depraved to keep or breed animals as pets, livestock or working animals, but you vigorously defend BDSM, polyamory or any other icky lifestyle choices you're into.
87. You're sad, because the only other person you met that actually shared your views turned out to be an undercover FBI agent.
88. You've actually considered pipe bombing the producer of "B.J. and the Bear" due to his heedless exploitation of animals.
89. You would save a bright dog and leave a disabled child behind if you had to choose which to save.
90. You go to release hawks, eagles, owls and vultures from what you have judged as the horrid captivity of the facility designed to promote a better understanding of these animals and are genuinely shocked that the raptors would rather rend flesh from your bones than go flying around you in gratitude for freeing them.
91. The last thing you ever see in the wild is the untamed bear/wolf/large cat that you claimed you trusted and would never ever attack you.
92. You proudly but naively proclaim yourself to be a friend of all animals or that all animals are your friends.
93. You believe all domestic animals that are not considered "show quality" registered with AKC etc are the only animals to be allowed to breed. All others are considered junk animals which were always the result of some "backyard breeding" (term you use to condemn most anyone who has bred any animals) even if they are in good health, and no one can judge that better than you can, because you need to be the great animal hero.
94. You consider it incredibly vain, selfish, greedy, abusive and contributing to the "overpopulation" of humans and animals" to have and raise children, keep pets, breed animals, and to breed them for specific characteristics, even good health and temperment. You live by the "Don't buy while others die" motto that promotes the shutting down of animal shows, breeders, and shops, while hounding people to 'adopt' from 'shelters' instead.
95. You believe guide dogs are poorly treated slaves that need to be liberated from their owners who must be cruel to actually let an animal help guide him instead of depending on people taking time out of their busy schedules to help out.
96. You believe pets are slaves and/or that farm animals are slaves in concentration camps.
97. You consider humans killing animals for food to be as grevous as the holocaust or 911 or any human tragedy.
98. Your idea of mercy is stealing dogs and cats, killing them, and leaving their bodies in dumpsters. (PEta)
99. Your idea of good entertainment is swapping animal abuse stories. The gorier and more outlandish, the better, even if there's not a grain of truth in them..
100. You don't question or disagree with any myth, chain letter style petition or tale of animal suffering because you're terribly afraid some animal will die somewhere and it would be your fault. You guilt-trip anyone similarly if you find them questioning, disagreeing with or refuting animal rights rhetoric. To even think about the possibility let alone find out the abuse tale was a lie totally blows your status from hero to fool, and that's unbearable to you.
101. Your idea of compassion and how to be a good person is to start or join a gossip fest against an animal owner you have decided is irresponsible or cruel, or an establishment that uses animal products. You hope to stop them from ever owning another animal and do your best to make sure people believe every gory, twisted, distorted or just plain stupid false accusation you can dream up.
102. You give out personal information of people you claim are abusing animals and demand that everyone blacklist them as someone who should never go near animals again, especially your preferred species, and/or you demand everyone bombard them with hate mail.
103. You start a fight that you lose, and then you attack people with presumptions of animal abuse, not being Christian enough when they disagree with you about animals, and act as if you were the one being victimized in order to try bullying the others into submitting to agreeing with you.
104. You believe in saving the animals by abusing the humans.
105. You actually wish for disease or some other disaster to come along and wipe out the evil human population.
106. When a natural disaster such as a hurricane hits and relief is underway, you try to do one better and put out a call to "Save those poor animals!"
107. You gladly believe anything that villifies and promotes hatred of your own species, the human race.
108. You delight in the suffering of humans either inflicted by other humans or especially by animals.
109. You have an uncontrollable fear and rage that some human, somewhere, might be happy. This must mean some animal is being cruelly exploited somewhere. So, your mission is to squeltch all happiness by making people feel bad for being human. This means spreading as many wild tales of gloom and doom about animal abuse, overpopulation of unwanted pets and of humans, the destruction of the environment, and the end of the human race - possibly all in that order. You top that off by saying it is all their fault, then you lament the first several scenarios while awaiting the last - the end of the human race with a sense of puritanical self-righteousness and a kind of perverse delight.
110. Nothing man or God does concerning animals can come close to satisfactory for you. You know so much more than they do!
111. You either hate religion that's centered around the Bible or else use it as a tool to tout your animal rights views.
112. You read stuff like this and get angry instead of getting a good laugh out of it.
113. You read stuff like this and respond by posting your own list somewhere that isn't really funny or interesting at all.
114. You read stuff like this and get upset because it's too accurate a description of you for comfort.
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