It only takes one screw-up to turn a rant into a fail, and when it shows up more than once in the same rant, it becomes an epic fail.
Here's how to make Buzzfeed rants.
And the following is a substandard rant that fails to qualify for the legitimate Buzzfeed rant page.
Odyssey
5 Reasons Why BuzzFeed Sucks
Conner Short in 500 Words On on Feb 16, 2015
👿Conner Short: BuzzFeed is by far one of the most idiotic and irritating websites that I encounter on a daily basis. It’s filled with opinion-based, mindless articles that have absolutely nothing to do with reality. BuzzFeed does nothing but give people false hopes and clogs my newsfeed with things that no one actually cares about. Why the hell would I want to read an article about “the 10 cutest things your cat did this weekend"? This time of year is by far the worst with BuzzFeed articles since Valentine's Day is next week. Can’t wait to see all the posts like “22 legitimate reasons why the only Valentine you need is your BFF” or why “single women are strong women.” Oh, really? If you don’t care about Valentine's Day then why are you sharing an article about Valentine's Day? The only thing faker than that BuzzFeed article is you pretending that you actually want to hangout with your BFF or that you don’t care about Valentine's Day.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That was a great start.
BUT -
Then you stunk it up spectacularly with:
đź‘żConner Short: Lets be honest the majority of you that will be sharing such articles are sitting on the couch sobbing at "The Notebook" eating the Russell Stover box of chocolates that Nana just sent you.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: 1. lose the eating chocolates thing. Food-cops are as bad as Buzzfeed.
2. I like to go out for coffee and snacks on Valentine's day. I like to buy myself stuff on Halloween too. It's a go treat yourself day to me, and that is it. Or I'll gladly receive chocolates from people I know and trust. Or I'll order in stuff to treat myself. It's getting on to late winter by Valentine's and seems a long way from Christmas to Easter. So time for a sweet break from the everyday. I'm not a romantic.
3. I haven't got a Nana.
4. Yes, The Notebook would make me cry, but not for the gushy romantic reasons you're probably thinking. I've never watched it and I never will. The plot summary on Wikipedia was enough to put me in a downer, the same kind of downer I got from mangling these memes:
10 Tips and Extras For A New Year
So can people just drop the freaking Note Book movie already? Please? I just don't want to hear about it any more.
đź‘żConner Short: Contrary to popular belief people, not everything you read on the Internet is true. Here is why I hate BuzzFeed and the person that shares it.
1. It's Irrelevant
Sure I use my social media daily to see what my peers are up to and as a form of news. I don’t read the paper so like most of you I turn to my Twitter feed to see what is going on in the world. I now have to weed through the pointless BuzzFeed posts that have absolutely no relevance to anything in my life. I would like to use my social media for things that I care about in life, not your stupid GIFs.
2. It’s making you less intelligent
If you believe the things you read in a BuzzFeed article I highly question why I am following you anyways. The Internet is full of lies just like that girl on Instagram who you know is a hard 3 but looks like an 8.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You could've come up with a much more intelligent example than that. A girl that's a three and looks like an 8 - what the heck is this drivel? If you want to point out how dishonest Buzzfeed is, try those "36 Questions Women Have For Men" thing. It's actually 36 man-hating statements in the form of questions made by feminists.
👿Conner Short: Buzzfeed in no way has any factual evidence and is nothing but worthless opinions and photos that probably give you some form of cheap entertainment during class. BuzzFeed is “click bait” that their staff comes up with to get views. It's pointless and a waste of your and my time.
3. It shows what type of person you are
How is it that I am never surprised when I see the person’s name that shared such an article? I’m guessing most of you are Facebook friends with those people from high school who you know absolutely nothing about but could guess based on the buzzfeed article they just shared. Like the girl who fills your feed with Internet PDA such as “why your boyfriend is not only your significant other but also your best friend” (gross). There is a 100 percent chance they make out in public and sit on the same side of the booth…
4. It's Flat out Annoying
Yes I said this already but I am trying to get a point across here folks. BuzzFeed is garbage that they sucker you into with dumb GIFs just so you click on their page and get views. Social media is already filled enough with promotions and ads please don’t make it worse on all of us by reposting someone’s uncreative thoughts.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Exactly. Buzzfeed is a giant chain letter mill.
đź‘żConner Short: 5. You forget that another human writes BuzzFeed
Not sure if you guys knew this, but BuzzFeed is written by the same poor soul that just shared an article titled “31 grilled cheeses that are better than a boyfriend.”
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* they're not even in the same league. Whoever writes/re-shares that crap, and you as well, need to get over the whole food thing.
đź‘żConner Short: Now you sad people can have a pity party because you are both equally stupid and more than likely overweight
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No, you can have your own pity party, fat-shaming food-cop style, and don't invite me, because I've got better things to do.
đź‘żConner Short: due to the fact
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No, this is purely opinion on your part.
đź‘żConner Short: that you ate 31 different types of grilled cheese.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Wrong, appearance-obsessed food-cop drip.
1. Since when does re-sharing constitute actually eating anything?
2. Even if they ate 31 different types of sandwiches sure as heck doesn't mean they ate all 31 in one sitting or 1 day, or even within 1 month or 1 year or 1 decade. They could've been tweaking with various recipes over an 80-year timespan, doofus. Or, just maybe they found 31 different recipe ideas, got excited, and then decided to post them as a listical that somehow got stuck on Buzzfeed.
3. "Grilled cheese makes ya fat! Nana nana boo - boo!" Get a life. Your rant sucks as bad as Buzzfeed.
đź‘żConner Short: Congratulations on sharing with all of your Facebook friends how miserable your grilled cheese infested lives really are.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Congratulations on showing everyone what a stupid food-cop fool you are that hates grilled cheese and chocolates and the people who eat them more than you hate Buzzfeed.
👿Conner Short: So please next time you are procrastinating from studying, don’t waste my news feed with man-buns and Harry Styles. I am most likely procrastinating too and want to read something that actually matters.
🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: And then you just showed that not all your brain cells have died yet. I definitely agree on the last point. If you'd left all the sucky stuff out of this, it would've actually been a good rant. Boo-hiss. Over and out.
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