Christopher Null's Anti-Furby Rant

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It is submitted under the title:

Review: Furby Connect






🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: PEOPLE OF EARTH, Furby has returned. And its beady eyes are aimed at your wallet.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* It's eyes are not beady. They are very large, round, and animated.

As for the wallet thing, show me a company that doesn't want money for whatever it's selling.

On another related note, have you not taken a good look at Youtube lately? Since their crappy monetization program, that's all anyone's been doing is competing for views, likes, subscribes, shares, and most of all, more and more views because of the ad revenue. And of course, patrion. Everybody's telling people to go to their patrion as well. Why? Money! Much of the troubles people are having with Youtube lately is about videos being demonetized.

stupid as Youtube is for that, it was stupid for people to get sucked into that trap in the first place. Even channels I really like, have turned bad with this begging for donations for this or that, and more likes/subscribes etc.

The way Youtube operates with this is nothing less than sleazy. They yank monetization from channels that are opposing dangerous identity politics-driven movements and agendas. Youtube actively supports these bad political agendas under the sickening twisted excuses of "changes" "pride" "tolerance" etc.

Back to the subject at hand.

Everything a toy company sells is going to cost money. Everybody knows that. It isn't quite the same as enjoying stuff on Youtube and then oops, finding out some channel wants your money for whatever reason.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: For those not in the know, the original Furby was the Christmas gift of 1998, an animatronic, Mogwai-like fuzzball that spoke its own language when it wasn’t making rude noises.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, please, not with the freaking gremlins crap again! Seriously, I'm sick of people always doing that! Furbies are not gremlins. Get that through your thick heads. That old joke meme is rancid. Bury it, now!

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Like all fads, Furby was dying before its second birthday, and gone by 2002.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'm aware of the history, but thanks anyway.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: But wait! Furby returned with an upgrade in 2005, and again in 2012. New versions have launched each year since. The $100 Furby Connect is the most recent edition.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Until a newer model.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: As with all Furbies, the Connect is plush and effusive and so annoying that one simply cannot comprehend its enduring popularity.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I've known dogs which fit that description too.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: It is designed for nostalgic hipsters and small children (6 and up per the box),

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You mean nostalgic collectors, not hipsters.... I'm not particularly nostalgic, definitely not a hipster, or a small child. But I could never resist a life-like toy. Things that talk, move etc. And even if they didn't, furbies look cute.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: and any parent who purchases one for their tyke is setting themselves up for immediate psychological ruin.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Melodrama much?

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Let me put it this way: In my 25-plus years of writing about tech, this is the only device I’ve tested that left my entire family pleading with me to turn it off within minutes of unboxing. Let me put it another way: Google “Furby” and the top question in the “People also ask” section is, “How do you turn off a Furby?”

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That's because before the connect version and after the Funky furbies, there was no off button. Personally, I think there should have been, for a couple of reasons, but I won't go into that now. Besides, I don't work for Hasbro.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: And let me tell you: It is freakin’ hard to turn off a Furby.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not at all with the furby connect. Just put his sleep mask on. For other models, just shove them in a room to themselves for a while. They'll shut up in a few minutes if they're just one or two furbies, several more minutes if it's a small group.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Discretion has never been Furby’s strong suit. He hollers in pidgin English (aka “Furbish”) in an especially loud and shrill voice about nothing in particular, begs to be played with or sung to, and incessantly wiggles about like a kid jonesing on too many Froot Loops.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Look, doofus, fruit loops don't make kids high. Get that through your head. if you were trying to be witty or imaginative or I dunno what, you just came off like one of the most annoying types of people around, a food-cop.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: There is no power button.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Didn't we already go over this?

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: With the Furby Connect, the toy ships with a “sleep mask,” which, when positioned perfectly eventually shuts the thing up. This is not instantaneous, however, taking as long as 10 seconds to kick in. If you’ve slightly misaligned the mask or find yourself at all inebriated, Furby won’t go down at all, and you may well fear that Furby has become self-aware and refusing to obey instruction, at least for the six hours of play time that four AA batteries will supply.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well that's your own dumb fault for getting sloshed in the first place.

My only complaint about this model is that it is such a battery hog. Connect goes through batteries at a ridiculous rate next to the previous models.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Of course, one Furby is but a gateway to a whole pack of them. Multiple Furbies will talk, sing, and fart in unison. The toy also is a gateway to the even more nefarious side of the Furbyverse:

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* I figured you'd eventually fall back on that stupid "furby is evil" meme. And people really need to cut this anythingunderthesunverse. There is only one universe. and everything is in it, real, fiction, nothing has its own "verse" because unless we're talking poetry or song lyrics, there's just one verse, and our universe is it. That is why it is called the universe. So 'furbyverse' is just hopelessly lame. Yeah, you tried to be cute and struck out again.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Furby Connect World, a mobile app that lets your Bluetooth-enabled Furby interact with a rudimentary video game designed for the 8-and-under set.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I don't like that the app isn't all that accessible and that so much of anything, not just furby, has some app that people are really pushing for everybody to use. The original furby app from 2012 is IMO still the best, furbies are fun to feed, and to have them sing to an occasional song once in a while is nice. But I never went in for the egg and virtual furbling-collecting. And don't get me started on those stupid viral videos featured on the connect app. If people like and want to use the app, fine, but furbies should never require an app just to play with it.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Furby Connect World is a game where you hatch Furbies—dozens of them if you stick with it—and put them to work like virtual (yet cuddly) slaves.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You know, I got that same impression after watching many videos on F Connect. That aspect of the game seems creepy and it rubs me the wrong way. And then there's that whole aim to collect more and more. Remember those stupid Zynga games? And others like them? Well excuse me, but I'm just not into trying to outdo the next person with the biggest collection of whatever. Even the furby boom ap went that way with all the egg-hatching stuff.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: The reward? More Furbies, all of which must be exhaustingly fed, cleaned, and medicated in the increasingly chaotic virtual world.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Which is why I prefer to stick with writing and setting furbies on their own adventures or misadventures, in stories that aren't about trying to get the most virtual stuff.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Your real Furby can even take an e-crap on a massive toilet that speaks volumes about the target audience for this game.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, I really don't see the appeal in that either. But one of your fellow antis, does.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: Paired properly via Bluetooth (which was not always a given in my testing), your real-world Furby will offer a running commentary about the goings on in the virtual-world game, hollering and screeching and laughing at the same damn thing, over and over.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: The anti-furby meme is already obnoxious, so I agree, the app only ads to the perpetuation of more irritating chain letters/memes. Bleh. Who needs furbies getting addicted to even more stupid viral content (those annoying cat videos and trending songs) memes, provided on an app?

Not cool.

They should've stuck with the basic 2012 app, and updated it to include more food items in the pantry, instead.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: The game is playable without a real-world Furby, but doing so activates a Freemium version of the game. Some of the upgrades cost a pretty penny—so think carefully before handing your phone over to Junior.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Wait, playing it without a furby brings up premium stuff? does it hamper further use of the free product? Because that would really stink.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: I want to be clear: I’m not saying the Furby Connect is a bad product. It does exactly what it says it will do. What I am saying is that if you allow one in your home, you are mentally deranged.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Glare* Ahem! No - no, Christopher Null, I am not! I do not care if you said this furby is a bad product or not. That does not matter when you hurl such a massively insulting sweeping statement.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: To my family, I apologize deeply. That is all.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You should be apologizing to me and anyone else you just called mentally deranged.

🧟‍♂️CHRISTOPHER NULL: RATING 2/10 – Sad, really.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, that's the rating I give your article.

Over and out!


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