Mike Datezilla

This rejected date viral was posted here.

Time to mangle!


🙎‍♂️Mike: Hi Lauren,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'm not Lauren, and since your rant turned into a meme, it is fair game for a mangling.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm disappointed in you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Um you were expecting Lauren's world to cave in because of that? If any guy wrote this to me, my response would be to tell him to suck it up and move on.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm disappointed that I haven't gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Poor baby. Dry up. either Lauren's really busy, or she's just not interested in you. If she's anything like me, she can smell a possessive guy who wants too much, from miles away. Getting away from such leaches is a means of self-preservation.

🙎‍♂️Mike: FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, um, don't use that to try coercing this girl into spending time with you on the phone or in person. Obviously she's got other things in her life and just doesn't want a high-maintenance boyfriend… She can also delete your email, but you don't want to give her that option. I can see right through your game plan.

🙎‍♂️Mike: After all, people can't see someone's body language or tone of voice in an email.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Duh, Mike, but that still doesn't excuse you whining about the phone. Phoning takes up valuable time, or, in the case of talking to you, it wastes it. If you thought Lauren's email or lack of response was harsh, well, hi Mike. I am Ocean Elf, and I will give you a crash course in harsh. The upside of it for you is that there is no fee involved. The upside for everybody else, hopefully, is that if you read it, you might get the message and stop being such a whiny little turd.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'll call you on that later. From what I've seen so far, Mike, you're a snivelling boy who's mad at some girl for not giving you enough attention… That is enough to warrant a reaction you may consider to be harsh.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way in this email.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I am also honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way as i rip your self-pitying, head-gaming pile of drivel to pieces. No punches pulled.

🙎‍♂️Mike: By the way, I did a google search, so that's how I came across your email.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: WHAT!? Let me get this straight. You stalked Google, looking for email addresses, came across one you thought was, I dunno, smexy and decided to write this girl, but she just doesn't dig you that much so now you're going to pieces?

🙎‍♂️Mike: I assume that you no longer want to go out with me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: There are special dating sites for people like you, Mike, if you want a date, go there instead of just trolling search engines looking for girly emails… Might I suggest Match.com or e-harmoney?

🙎‍♂️Mike: (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.)

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Since she hasn't, take a hint, mister.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I suggest you get over yourself, Mikey Boy, she doesn't owe you an apology because you're the one who is screwed up. You're the one who chose to interpret whatever she did or didn't do as mixed signals.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I feel led on by you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Why does that not surprise me. With a guy like you, all a girl would have to do is give you the tiniest smile or an email response and you're so pathetic that you take it as "YaaaaaAH! I'm gonna score big, I got myself a hot date!"

🙎‍♂️Mike: Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, so she and you DID actually go out? Still, it was just one outing. Maybe she didn't have as good a time with you as you thought. So get over it and move on.

🙎‍♂️Mike: -You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh…My…GOSH! You actually take to heart and judge girls' actions based on this pile of malarkey? Know where that supposed rule about playing with hair comes from, Mikey? A chain letter! The anne Wichert world record why guys like girls kissing and gestures chain letter hoax to be exact. Maybe this lauren was actually nervous and trying not to show it, to make you feel less awkward, ever thought of that?

🙎‍♂️Mike: -We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So maybe Lauren believes in looking people in the eye as much as possible. Maybe she wanted you to think she was at ease with her and not think she was shifty or something… Maybe you were the one forcing the eye contact and she just didn't want to seem rude, so she looked right back. You are reading far too much into this because you're so desperate to get a date and keep her for life.

🙎‍♂️Mike: -You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Um Mike - I say that to just about everyone I meet for the first time after a pleasant conversation with them! Dude, you are seriously effected if you think it's okay to read anything more than just general niceness into this. Lauren probably says that to everyone…

🙎‍♂️Mike: A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So take it as disinterest and move on. obviously she has.

🙎‍♂️Mike: The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No kidding, duh, Mike, duh! So get over yourself. The girl is not obligated to explain her every word and her every move to you.

🙎‍♂️Mike: -We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: A nice conversation and you feel lead on? Go do something about your raging hormones, Mike! Lauren is in the right to shy away from you!

🙎‍♂️Mike: In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: In my opinion, mistaking Lauren's behaviour as you described it so far as leading or mixed signals is impolite and immature, and so is your piffling ramble.

🙎‍♂️Mike: It's bad to do that.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Mike, it's bad to demand a girl talk with you on the phone, bad to demand she give you a sincere apology when she didn't do anything wrong, and bad to read anything at all into the actions you described from lauren. It is bad of you to write this simpering letter. If Lauren is smart, she will run the other way and never look back.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So this means you expect Lauren to go out with you again so you think that gives you the right to be a demanding, prying jerk.

Note to Lauren and all other single women, stay away from this controlling, possessive creep!

🙎‍♂️Mike: However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not any more, Mike, you just nixed that possibility with this letter, starting with your unbelievably odious demand for an apology from her, and then accusing her of being impolite and immature. You loused up, badly, Mike. If I was Lauren, I would have no problem turning you down flat after receiving such a letter, with a warning that any further attempts from you to reach me would be treated as harassment.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Take a hint, Mike, she's not into you, and definitely shouldn't be after your huge whine. Maybe you were looking for a long-term relationship and she wasn't, or maybe she was, just not with you, and doesn't want to risk the hassle of dealing with you acting like a total petulant spoiled brat and stalker at a flat rejection from her. Maybe Lauren just thought fading out of the picture was the kinder thing to do, and hoped you were gentleman enough to take a hint and move on.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I think we should go out on a second date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: After you demanded an apology and called her impolite and immature? No, you should definitely not go out on a second date. She should drop you, no questions asked.

🙎‍♂️Mike: In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: A pleasant conversation on a first date automatically entitles you to a second date? And this letter is how you react to that? Mike, grow up! So what's your idea of a first date that doesn't require a follow-up date? A girl that doesn't play with her hair, look you in the eye and talk to you?

🙎‍♂️Mike: Why am I writing you?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Because you're a high-maintenance guy who can't take a hint and can't let go, and who wants to call all the shots.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, right, plus what I said.

🙎‍♂️Mike: In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Look, Mike, if she doesn't want to, she is not obligated to explain the whole nitty-gritty of why. Maybe it's just a feeling. Maybe she just doesn't feel you and she click. Maybe she can tell you are a clingy, possessive jerk who wants her a lot more than she could ever want you. Maybe lauren doesn't want to drag it out and give you the feedback you crave, which would only give you more opportunity to argue and fight with her, dragging her down, and in your wishful thinking, wear her down so she'd give in and go on another date with you, then another, and another, even though she would've grown to secretly hate you by that time.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Normally, I wouldn't ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: "Normally I wouldn't" this, "Normally I wouldn't" that, normally normally normally. There is nothing normal about you, Mike.

Why should anyone believe your claims to not normally ask for feedback considering you wrote this whingy letter in which you already claim you wouldn't ask for info after a first date. I don't believe you, Mike.

🙎‍♂️Mike: but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You already said that, and I'll remind you that you tossed that 'potential' right into the trash by demanding she apologize for your screw-up and then you had the gall to call her impolite and immature.

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you don't want to go again, then apparently you didn't think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Probably not. So get over it and over yourself, Mike.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It's good to keep that in mind.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Duh. Yeah, Mike, apply that a bit closer to home…

🙎‍♂️Mike: In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You already said that, and it doesn't excuse your expectations or behaviour afterword, nor does it obligate her to a second date with your or an explanation of why not.

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: What kind of strong signals do you want a girl to put out that she doesn't want another date with you? Do you want her sitting there, hands down in her lap, looking down and away from you the entire time, answering you with only one-word responses, and then a text or voice mail clearly stating "I, lauren, thereby inform thee, Mike, that I do not wish to go out on another date with you, because I am too immature and too impolite for you and I am sincerely sorry for giving you mixed signals!"?

🙎‍♂️Mike: I feel led on.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That is your problem, Mike, get your hormones in check and get rid of that false hope as well. Feeling lead on so easily is what is really impolite and immature.

🙎‍♂️Mike: We have a number of things in common. I'll name a few things: First, we've both very intelligent.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I have serious doubts about that where you are concerned, Mike. Even if you rate highly on a technically smart scale, you are emotionally and socially stunted.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That doesn't mean she owes you a thing, Mike. Neither IQ nor classical music is anything significantly in common enough to build a relationship on.

🙎‍♂️Mike: In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I'm in a relationship is a liking of classical music.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Then you are terribly self-absorbed and misguided. What should be in common is something much deeper than that, shared beliefs and possible goals. You could have enemies that love the same music as you. See where I'm coming from?

🙎‍♂️Mike: I wouldn't be seriously involved with a woman if she didn't like classical music.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Wow, what a shallow, narrow-minded, selfish, jerk!

🙎‍♂️Mike: You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, so you two live in New York. Nice stat.

🙎‍♂️Mike: As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well Mike, so far, you've only expressed an interest in classical music and going to classical concerts. lauren may have other interests besides. This means, Mike, you have probably already indicated to her that you are a real bore.

🙎‍♂️Mike: We already go to classical music performances by ourselves.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You already said that…

🙎‍♂️Mike: If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well maybe Lauren doesn't want to get stuck in an obligation to jump up and go to a classical concert whenever you want to, or maybe she doesn't want to have you tagging along with her every time she wants to go, maybe she likes to go alone… Getting stiffed with an obligation to go with you would probably turn her off going altogether. It certainly would me.

🙎‍♂️Mike: According to the internet, you're 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we're a good match in terms of age.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I never would've guessed. I'd put you at around 20 or younger.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I could name more things that we have in common, but I'll stop here.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: They're probably all superficial anyway.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I don't understand why you apparently don't want to go out with me again.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You don't have to. Let it go. Life goes on.

🙎‍♂️Mike: We have numerous things in common.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You don't find out all the really important ones on a first date… So far, you haven't listed any other than classical music.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I assume that you find me physically attractive.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That doesn't matter when your personality and attitude stink.

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you didn't find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Sheesh, dude, you sure attach a heck of a lot of strings to any associations with you. I have no idea why lauren gave you the time of day. Apparently you're not the type to just go out with friends.

🙎‍♂️Mike: After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So? That doesn't excuse this blithering letter and ridiculous expectations of yours.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Perhaps, you're unimpressed that I manage my family's investments and my own investments.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So is that all you talked about on your date? Classical music, and finances? How did you get from "Wah, she's not texting me!" to "She doesn't like the way I invest!"?

🙎‍♂️Mike: Perhaps, you don't think I have a "real" job.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, do you? You seem pretty defensive about that, you know.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Well, I've done very well as an investment manager. I've made my parents several millions of dollars.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So you only go to classical concerts (probably for status's sake) and you're a braggart. I wouldn't go out with you again either. I don't like guys who think they have to show off and talk big to get a girl.

🙎‍♂️Mike: That's real money. That's not monopoly money.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Whatevs, dude, whatevs.

🙎‍♂️Mike: In my opinion, if I make real money, it's a real job. Donald Trump's children work for his company. Do they have "real" jobs? I think so. George Soros's sons help manage their family investments. Do they have "real" jobs? I think so.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Whatever, man, look, you're the one all bent out of shape over this, so don't take your issues out on lauren because you scared her off.

🙎‍♂️Mike: In addition, I'm both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I'm both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That's a unique characteristic;

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You know what, Mike? You are so full of yourself. Nobody cares if you think you're ambi-brained because you can think and manage money all at the same time, and nobody cares how unique you think you are. Oh, you're unique alright, but I wouldn't say it's in the best way.

🙎‍♂️Mike: most people aren't like that.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You know, Mike, that's your problem. You think far too highly of yourself. "Look at me, the great Mike, I'm so much better and smarter than all the little people below me! I AM UNIQUE!" You stink of arrogance and narcissism, and that's why I wouldn't date you even if someone paid me to, and probably why Lauren has retreated as well.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I've never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, because all other women weren't good enough for you on previous dates, so now you finally found one you took a serious shine to and she's giving you the cold shoulder, boo-hoo, poor baby Mikey… Dry up. Life goes on.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I've gone out with a lot of women in my life.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, I'm not surprised, another strike against you right there.

🙎‍♂️Mike: (FYI, I'm not a serial dater. Sometimes, I've only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don't grow on trees.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Mike, the expression is 'money doesn't grow on trees' and there are plenty more people for you to date. maybe you'll find one that's as stuck up as you and into the very same things and you'll eventually ride with her on a magic carriage into the sunset. But obviously that isn't lauren, and sure as heck won't be me.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not 'have'. It was only potential you thought you had, because you want it so badly. You have made sure there is no potential for you and lauren. She can't appreciate something that was never there and never will be, nor do you have any right to expect that of her.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Am I sensitive person?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yes, in the worst way.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Sure, I am. I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So you decide to be super sensitive by demanding an apology from her and accusing her of sending you mixed signals, being impolite and immature…

🙎‍♂️Mike: There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Count yourself among them…

🙎‍♂️Mike: I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I suggest you show your smarts and let it go. You mucked up. Face that fact, forget lauren and your bruised ego, and move on. You don't deserve a second date and any more opportunities to beat lauren into submission to your whims.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Needless to say, I find you less appealing now

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Then you definitely shouldn't go on a second date with her. She's 'impolite, immature, less appealing' to you, all because she's trying to go away quietly. Regardless of your classical music and your big investments working in your parents' company, you're a loser, Mike.

🙎‍♂️Mike: (given that you haven't returned my messages) than I did at our first date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So a girl doesn't play the roll of submissive eager-to-please, ever-responsive child for you, and she becomes 'less appealing'. Lauren is not obligated to respond to you at all. Take a hint, boy, the woman just isn't into you.

🙎‍♂️Mike: However, I would be willing to go out with you again.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You already said that, and, you already said that. You whined on and on about how you hanker for a second date through your whole simpering diatribe. All Lauren needs to take away from this ridiculous ramble of yours is that you think she's unappealing, impolite and immature just because she chose not to complicate her life with further unnecessary and possibly very unpleasant dealings with you. You do not deserve that second date, and she is not obligated to you…

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm open minded

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Hah! Coming from you, who said you'd never consider a relationship with a woman who doesn't love classical music! What a chortle!

🙎‍♂️Mike: and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: But you judge her as unappealing, impolite and immature… You are not flexible, and just maybe it is Lauren who has doubts about you…

🙎‍♂️Mike: I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Right, by going on that second date. You are pathetic…

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: is that your huge ego talking or is that an actual threat? There is no doubt in my mind, Mike, lauren's big mistake was going out with you in the first place.

🙎‍♂️Mike: perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Mikey, dude, your hubris is UNBELIEVABLE! I am not sure if I want to laugh or vomit at this point.

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you don't want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah right, I can just see how badly that would've gone. You would've given her a huge tongue-lashing, full of interrogations, put-downs, with a great deal of self-praise thrown in, and you would not let her get off the darn phone until she finally caved in and said "yes" You are a control-freak who can't take a hint, and can't take 'no' for an answer.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Texts are no more personal than emails, which you hate, remember?

🙎‍♂️Mike: In my opinion,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You've been giving your lousy opinion throughout this whole sorry thing. Will you never shut the heck up?

🙎‍♂️Mike: not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Says you, the impolite, immature, and definitely passive-aggressive jerk! She's honestly trying to avoid trouble, and you are just itching to keep it going.

🙎‍♂️Mike: and cowardly.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Okay, that's it, no second date for you!

Shout out to Lauren, don't give this self-enamoured git any more attention, just run!

As for you, Mike, you are a liar. You said you weren't trying to be insulting and you were sensitive. You lied. If you can bully this girl by calling her a coward for simply not responding to you, I wouldn't put it past you to physically beat any woman who gave you a flat no on anything. You are a controlling, passive-aggressive, simpering, spoiled, egocentric, snobby, odious, repulsive, over-grown brat, and I can certainly see why you've never had any success trying to get a long-term relationship.

🙎‍♂️Mike: I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You know, Mike, this is exactly the kind of guy a girl should avoid. The "Look at me, I did this and that, and this and that for you and dis is da t'anks I get!? Waaaahhhh! I want my own way and you owe me, woman!"

You disgust me!

Lauren didn't ask you to spend time and money, did she? You did that of your own free will. It isn't her fault you didn't get everything you expected, it isn't her fault you spent some of your 'investments' on a date. You chose to, Mike, YOU!

🙎‍♂️Mike: Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not if you creep her out, Mikey dude… She has every right to avoid you like the plague.

🙎‍♂️Mike: In addition,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: 'In addition - In my opinion - in addition - in my opinion' OH, SHUT - UP!

🙎‍♂️Mike: you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Lol! You're only mentioning this NOW!? Okay, maybe she got stuck in traffic. Maybe she got the time wrong. Or maybe you did because you were so over-eager…

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm sure you wouldn't like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: No, but I would understand if there was a reasonable explanation.

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So cry a blasted stupid river about it. I'm not sorry for you at all, Mike. Do you really think telling Lauren that is going to make her want to spill her guts to you now, especially after all the things you just called her for the apparent crime against humanity that is *gasp* not phoning you?

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm sad and disappointed about this situation.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So you say and say, and say - and - say over and over again! It looks more like you're mad as hell to me.

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Dude, all you want is her to contact you so you can browbeat her into doing what you want, whether she wants it or not! And what you need to understand should be perfectly clear without further action from her. From her standpoint, she probably understands perfectly well that it's all for the best she had nothing more to do with you. It's over, Mike, OVER!

🙎‍♂️Mike: I might even learn something that is beneficial.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: YOU might learn? YOU? It's all about YOU, isn't it? All about YOU and what YOU want, no consideration for her feelings at all!

🙎‍♂️Mike: If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals).

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Request/demand repeated a zillion times and denied, denied, and DENIED! She doesn't owe you a blasted thing! If you felt lead on, that was YOUR OWN FAULT! You chose to take it that way. Your fault, not hers, Mike, YOURS!

🙎‍♂️Mike: In my opinion,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: 'In my opinion' In my opinion' In my opinion' There you go again! Shut your mewling trap!

🙎‍♂️Mike: you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! You misogynistic freak! Go check yourself into a mental hospital before you hurt somebody! She tried to at least look like she was having a good time, now she isn't responding to you, so take a blasted hint and get over your insufferable self and get a life! The girl doesn't owe you a thing! Not an apology, not a second date, not a phone call, not a text, NADA!

🙎‍♂️Mike: It's bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you're not interested in going out with me again.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Since you have so many stupid rules about how one should conduct oneself in your presence, I suggest you write a manual, since you love talking about yourself so much, and bossing people around!

I'll start it for you:

The Mike manual

Never play with hair. Don't even touch it unless you want him to think you are interested in him. Because touching of the hair translates as "I really dig Mike!"

Do make sure to leave a lengthy voicemail on his phone right after going out with him, preferably one that tells him how smart, attractive, and great he is, and how honoured you felt just to be in his presence!

When out with mike, never make eye-contact as he is extremely hormonal and takes that as "I want you bad!"

Even if you are bored stiff, let him drone on and on, giving his opinions about everything, especially classical music, and what a great investor he thinks he is, and why he thinks he is so unique and unlike all the other little people beneath him.


🙎‍♂️Mike: I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That is for sure, and the most intelligent, sensible thing you've ever said!

🙎‍♂️Mike: Again,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: And again, and again - AND AGAIN - knock it off!

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm not trying to be harsh,

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You already said that. You already said that. Gah if there was a world record for repeating oneself you would get it! Sure you claim not to try being harsh, but that doesn't cut it after all the trash-talking you've done. You are just naturally very harsh, insulting, patronizing etc. and nasty when you don't get everything your own way! You called her an unappealing, immature, impolite, passive-aggressive, insulting, patronizing, etc. coward who lead you on, because all she did was fade out of your life after one lousy date! Not trying to be harsh? Bull! Liar!

🙎‍♂️Mike: I'm disappointed, sad, etc.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah yammer yammer yammer snivel snivel whine whine squall squall. You already said that, again and again how supposedly sad and disappointed you are. Given your attitude, you don't deserve anyone giving a flying hot dart about your feelings. That's no excuse for your asinine attitude and behaviour! You're not sad, you're mad as all heck because your pride and stupid ego took a hit, because YOU chose to read far too much into one stupid date!

🙎‍♂️Mike: I would like to talk to you on the phone.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So you've said and said and said and said! *Facepalm!* Yeah I'm sure you would, like to talk down to her and coerce her into a relationship with you, even though she's probably thoroughly creeped out by you. It's all about your ego, your whims, and giving you what you want, even if it means forcing her to feel obligated to spend time with someone she'll eventually loath if she doesn't already! She is under no obligation to call you and let herself get subjected to more bullying from you! So cram it!

🙎‍♂️Mike: I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it's inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I'll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh sure, after you gave her the 'courtesy' of calling her an immature, impolite coward, Hypocrite!

🙎‍♂️Mike: Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo Mikey boy, blah, blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…. And you assume hers wouldn't be after you called her impolite, immature and a coward? You stupid, selfish, brute! You disgust me! You have earned my contempt.

🙎‍♂️Mike: Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Look, Mike, get this knocked into that thick head of yours: She obviously doesn't want a personal confrontation with you, because you obviously made her uncomfortable, and you would only continue to do so if she called you to let herself get harangued to no end by you!

The conversation would likely go something like this:

You: Hello

Her: Hi Mike, I'm sorry but I just don't feel comfortable going out with you.

You: Why not?

Her: Because - we just don't click. I just don't feel right.

You: Why don't you feel right? Why don't we click? We both love classical music!

Her: I'm just not ready for a relationship.

You: Why aren't you ready for a relationship? if you went out with me a second time, you would be ready, because to not go out with me is a big mistake and cowardly, after all I've done for you!

Her: I just don't want to go out with you again.

You: Why? Why don't you find me attractive? I'm disappointed. I'm sad and I'm so hurt.

Her: I'm sorry.

You: That's not enough. You should've apologized sooner and you never should've played with your hair unless you really wanted a second date.

Her: Huh? I didn't play with my hair did I

You? Yes, you did. And you kept looking me in the eyes. I thought you loved me!

Her: I always look people in the eyes, I always thought it was kinda rude not to.

You: Well it gave me mixed signals and lead me on and here I thought you really liked me!

Her: Sorry.

You: Why don't you like me?

Her: I just don't want to go out, that's all.

You: But why? Stop avoiding my questions and being an immature impolite passive-aggressive coward and tell me everything! You owe me!

Her: I can't explain it, we just don't click that way, okay?

You: But why don't we click? I thought we had something special and you just throw it all away! And after all the money I spent on you! You owe me because you've made me sadder and hurter and disappointeder than every other girl ever has in my sad empty life!

You see, Mike, she just wouldn't want the bother, and neither would I.

So cram that stupid phone down your throat and shut up already! She's not into you! Face it!

🙎‍♂️Mike: Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Not if it's really direct, and Mike, you need a very direct email, telling you to man up, (yes, this time the phrase is appropriate), take the hint and take a hike, Mike!

Sick Of You

Over and out!


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