From Mary, Indy, and various
*Pet Rescue Barbie*
April 2006 6:30 AM
*Pet Rescue Barbie*
This Christmas season give the latest, hottest new Barbie -- K-9 Rescue Barbie or Cat Rescue Barbie.
She comes with her own Ford Aero star van, and various size dog crates inside.
The van is plastered with stickers that read: "Don't buy while others die!" "Consider the option of adoption!" "Get your hound from the pound today!" "Stop puppy mills!" "To give away an animal for free is to murder it!" and "Have you the heart to give a loving pooch a forever home?"
She has a camera cell phone that's barely working due to over use and underpayment.
Barbie herself is decked out in jeans, grungy athletic shoes, and a t-shirt that says "Dogs are Better Than Any Other Living Thing on Earth".
Feline Rescue Barbie's shirt says the same thing only with the word "Cats"
She comes with a road atlas of every town and state in all of North America, and a compass on the dashboard of the van.
Optional is the special Rescue Dog Barbie laptop computer with the names and addresses of every other dog rescue person on earth, in case she gets somewhere and a contact fails to show up. Included is a diskette containing a huge DNA (Do Not Adopt) list, containing the names, phone numbers, addresses and other info as well as plenty of gossip as to why they should never be allowed to "rescue" or own another animal in their entire lives.
Running buddy, "Lucky", the three-legged, blind, debarked, ear and tail-docked Shih Tzu doll she rescued is available for an additional $49.95.
For $89.95, you can complete the set with "Pissed off husband at home, Ken," and the various foster dogs at $20 each.
Prices for other accessories are:
Fake snow falling on Barbie's van: $12.95
Flat tire for Barbie's van: (see "Barbie's Road Service")
Barrel of dog poop for pouring all over property on a raid to make it look like animal neglect: $25
Bucket for water, used to dump on animals to make them look like they are in poor condition: $5
Case of spoiled, rotting or moldy food to dump in animal dishes on a raid to make it appear the owner is making their pets sick with the bad food: $40
Dead animal carcass to be placed somewhere on the property during a rescue raid: $50
Fence cutters and pliers to make it look like there are "containment" issues $29.95
Film and batteries for video-taping the scene once carefully staged: $20
Best photoshop and other graphics programs: $300
State of the art printer obtained on a previous rescue mission: $600
Barbie's First Aid Kit: (human): $11.75, (canine): $69.50
Barbie's Speeding Ticket: $95 (Mississippi--$195)
emergency speuter awareness kit complete with homemade flash cards and stuffed animals for when she encounters signs for free puppies or kittens $130
Barbie's coat-that-she-had-to-buy-in-Minnesota: $85
Barbie's Vet Bill for Lucky in Vaughn, New Mexico: $63.45
Barbie's contact, Rhonda, who she had to give gas money to in Mesa Verde, Texas: $20.
Barbie's bill to get her contact, Luis, out of jail in Bakersfield, California: $500.
Barbie's bill to get Luis's dogs out of the pound in Bakersfield, California: $665.
Barbie's hotel/kennel bill in Laughlin, Nevada, while she waits for her contact:$532.
Barbie's overalls that she has to buy while in Minden, Nebraska, hunting down lost coonhounds: $49.95
Pizza for Barbie's suspicious looking hitch-hiker with sick puppy: $15
Air freshener to get rid of the pizza smell: $8
Special order of "cruelty-free" (not tested or used on animals) organic tofu and eggplant salad for Barbie: $16
Vet bill for hitch-hikers sick puppy in Des Moines, Iowa: $143.29
Barbie's doggie wheelchair for "Klause" the rescue dachshund in Leavenworth, Kansas: $143.
Barbie's van detailing/fumigation from hauling parvo/kennel cough puppies: $187.
Barbie's resume to get new job when she gets home from run: $29.95
And her sister doll - Cat Rescue Barbie, who comes with the same equipment, (substitute "cat" for "dog"), also:
Folding ladder in vehicle: $129.95
Have-a-heart trap: $29.95
Cans of tuna for baiting trap: $11.95
Long handled fishing net: $39.95
Case of Simple Solution: $259.95
Black light (to detect cat urine): $29.95
Extra tee shirt that says "The More I Know About Men, The More I Love My Cat" $19.95
Running buddy "Jeep" - 3-legged tailless cat named after vehicle that claimed her missing appendages: $89.95
Vet bill for "Jeep" $397.95
Friend Edith, 87-year-old feral colony feeder, who calls begging favors when her arthritis acts up and she can't get out. $59.95
Food for Edith's colony cats (after all, Edith is on Social Security) $139.95
Friend Margie, do-gooder with pristine home and one spoiled cat, whose idea of being a rescuer is to pick up strays and take them to Barbie for rehab, vetting, fostering, and placement. $89.95
Vet bills for Margie's rescues $892.95
Mother Sadie, who calls weekly to ask Barbie when she is getting rid of those smelly cats and giving her some grandchildren $ 89.95(telephone extra)
Shrink who talks Barbie out of killing above-mentioned persons each week $500
Exotic Pet Sanctuary and Rescue Barbie comes with all of the above plus an estate with many enclosures, and several more transport vehicles. These are plastered with stickers that read "Born 2b Wild!" "If you want an exotic animal, get a stuffed toy!" "Exotic dealers are money-making criminals!" "A pet can't be a wild animal!" "Your cat may love you, but a tiger will love you as food!" "Let the birds fly free!" "Fish are friends, not food!" "Your exotic pet would be happier in the wild where it belongs!" "Help end the forced breeding and oppression of wild animals in captivity by humans!" "For the sake of your own health, don't keep exotic pets!": $800,000
Tee-shirt that says "If you love it, set it free" $10
Poster on billboard that reads "Join the sponsorship program and save lives. The animals will thank you!" $100
Tony the Tiger - comes with ten large cases of frosted flakes and a companion two-toed bobcat named, what else? Bob of course!: $7000
Various birds and animals, including fish and non-vertebrates: $10,000
Vet who makes house calls, refuses to perform declaw surgeries and doesn't blink at unannounced visits or odd-hour consultations: *priceless*