The Scary Mommy site is actually scary. Behind the innocent-looking article titles are content horrors they call "humour" and "venting" that look more like trolling, with the end result being (if you're anything like me) an overwhelming feeling of "Gah! I'm sorry I checked that out! Leah!"
A friend and dance teacher re-shared something from there called 10 Ways to Make Dance Recitals Suck Less and I checked it out. At the end of that article was a blurb showing another article about 5 kid's shows "we" love to hate. Since I've gotten irreversably and completely turned off My Little Pony and Dora The Explorer due to some MLP and anime fangirl extreme on another site, plus that MLP became a giant internet meme, I checked out that article to see if those two were in there. I was very sorry I did. This was an out of the frying pan and into the fire reading experience. What I got was more reasons to dislike ScaryMommy instead.
So, you know what this means.
Mangling time. Let's start with the dance recital one.
by Kathryn Leehane
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Uh, what? I've never been to a dance recital that sucked. And I've been to quite a few.
😏Kathryn Leehane: The annual torture known as the dance recital is quickly approaching.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, come on. It's not that bad. I mean, sure, stress levels will go up with the anxiety of getting everything ready and then hoping the show goes off without a hitch. But torture? Really?
😏Kathryn Leehane: While I love my little dancer, I’d rather have my pubic hair repeatedly ripped out than endure
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Wince* Did you really have to go there when an "I'd rather get a paper cut and dip it in iodine" would've sufficed for a high pain description? Please… Why are people so intent on having their minds go below the belt?
😏Kathryn Leehane: four long hours of fake eyelashes, glittery spandex, and passive-aggressive complaints from family members.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: The passive-aggressive stuff, I'll grant you, passive-aggressive people really tick me off too, though I rarely show it directly but for a displeased expression and maybe walking away to avoid exploding at them - and that's just in person. Online is a whole other matter. Where does all this passion for mangling memes and trolls and other assorted jerks come from? It's how I'm able to be a nice person offline. But that's a tangent.
What's wrong with costuming? Is it the appearance that bothers you? If so, you have no excuse to complain. If it's trying to get a proper fit, or trying to help your kid into it, I can understand how difficult that could be.
😏Kathryn Leehane: So, as we head into this dreaded season,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That seems a mite overstated.
😏Kathryn Leehane: I have a few suggestions for the organizers of dance recitals:
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh boy, I can hardly wait…
😏Kathryn Leehane: 1. First and foremost, set up a bar. No, not a ballet barre; I mean one with alcohol.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: So funny I forgot to laugh. No really, that pun was cute when my first employer used it, in a reverse context to yours as she was explaining to everyone what the barre is, and how it isn't the bar where people go to drink. I prefer her application of the pun to yours.
😏Kathryn Leehane: Booze will ease the insufferable nature of the recital. It will also help prevent the inevitable clanking of mini booze bottles that were smuggled in purses, and the rolling of said bottles all the way down the slanted theater floor.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: If you intend to get sloshed during a recital, just don't bother going. You're not the one up on stage, so your claim to needing something to ease the stress is considerably less compared with those who are. This is supposed to be a dance recital for all ages, right?
😏Kathryn Leehane: 2. Use better music targeted at your audience. Try classics from the ’80s or metal ballads from the ’90s. You need to entertain the crowd and keep us awake.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: What? Look, that's already being done. Our shows use music from all over the map, from all sorts of time periods right up to the present. If you're so easily bored, go home.
😏Kathryn Leehane: 3. Make the recital shorter. Yes, all of the dancers are beautiful and talented. I know you want to showcase every single dance that has ever been done by every dancer (and teacher) in the past year, but CUT THAT CR@P DOWN.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Excuse me - if you think it's "CR@P" just don't go.
😏Kathryn Leehane: Four hours is too long. 50 routines is way too many.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: None of our recitals are more than two hours if that, and then there are the in-class demos, they aren't even an hour in length. Let me guess. You could probably spend 5 hours in a bar, easily.
😏Kathryn Leehane: 4. Provide babysitting for the younger siblings. Those poor kids are just as bored and uncomfortable as we are, but they are louder and squeakier. Unfortunately, we parents can’t afford our own babysitters because we’re broke from buying ridiculously expensive recital costumes.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: But you don't mind paying for booze. Sounds reasonable… *Rolling eyes*
😏Kathryn Leehane: 5. You know those buzzers they hand out at restaurants? The ones that go off when your table is ready? Give those to each parent to ensure we’re awake when our child is dancing.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: What seriously? Who wants those going off and making that racket, interrupting good music?
😏Kathryn Leehane: 6. Create a Snarky People section. Like Statler and Waldorf, some of us can’t contain our sarcastic comments. You can put us in a soundproof room, if necessary. And film us to sell the DVD. It will be like Mystery Science Theater 3000 for dance recitals.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Sound-proof room? Just skip the recital, lady. People are already tuning into "reality TV" on the idiot box, what makes you think anyone would want to buy CDs of your beaking off? And just wait until your kid eventually gets their hands on it and finds out how much you really hated their recitals. Besides, Mystery Science Theater is old hat.
😏Kathryn Leehane: 7. Give out audience awards. Awards for things like “Quietest Farter,” “Stayed Awake the Longest,” “Most Creative Hider of Phone,” and “Cr@ppiest Bun Maker.” Send out these and the participant awards via e-mail the next day so we don’t have to sit around and watch THREE HUNDRED awards be given out.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Here's an award for you - biggest snark-whiner. Wear it proudly, stay home and Fart to your heart's content…
😏Kathryn Leehane: 8. Rent out the following items: privacy screens for the phones and tablets, neck pillows, and seat massagers. Also, charge extra for reclining seats and in-seat entertainment systems with noise cancelling headphones. (Our buzzers will wake us at the right time, remember?)
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Yet you gripe about the expense of costumes. Just stay home, the kids will thank you.
😏Kathryn Leehane: 9. Create Dance Recital Bingo. The first person to fill the entire card gets to leave early!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Bingo? Maybe somebody ought to just put a big tarp over you so the kids on stage can't see how board you are. Better still, just stay away and go play bingo elsewhere.
😏Kathryn Leehane: Game cards can include:
Leotard pulled out of butt
Tiara falling off
Unshaven armpits
Wardrobe malfunction
Tears
Run in tights
Fallen hairpiece
Sound system malfunction
Tammy Faye make-up
Tap shoe flying across stage
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: And hitting you in the head…
Yeah, make up the bingo cards yourself. The staff already has enough to deal with getting ready for the recital.
😏Kathryn Leehane: 10. Finally, by all means, continue to dress the girls like little harlots.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* That is uncalled for!
😏Kathryn Leehane: Listening to grandparents complain about the moral decay of society is one of the few highlights of the entire recital experience.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* Of all the dance recitals I've been to, that has never happened. But if your idea of fun is tweaking people for shock effect, I've got just one more thing to say. It's not the dance recital that sucks, it's you.
🙃Scary Mommy Site: Related post: 5 Kids Shows We Love To Hate
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Mangling of that one coming up. And I thought the dance recital one was bad.
🙃Scary Mommy Site: ABOUT THE AUTHOR...
Kathryn Leehane (AKA Kelly 'Foxy' Fox) is a mom and a writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and two children. She writes the humor blog, Foxy Wine Pocket, where she shares twisted stories about her life as a mother, wife, friend, and wine-drinker in suburbia. Irreverent, inappropriate, and just plain silly, Kathryn strives to make you spit out your drink with every post. In her down time, she inhales books, bacon, and Pinot Noir, and her interests include over-sharing, Jason Bateman, and crashing high school reunions. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ugh. "irreverent" "inappropriate" and "twisted" usually means suckish content. Things pitched as "humour" seldom manage to crack me a grin. So this didn't make me spit out my drink, but it did make me want to hurl a tap shoe at her head. Over-sharing? TMI if we're talking personal content, seriously annoying if we're talking memes, and I suspect it's both in this case. Crashing school reunions? This person would annoy and probably embarrass the living tar out of me. Yep, no doubt, she would. She already managed that with the opener on this article.
by The Scary Mommy Community
🙃SMC: Contrary to well-meaning advice that advocates limiting screen time, every parent knows that sometimes, you just have to plop a kid in front of a screen to get sh-t DONE.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Good gosh, what is with you people and cussing? It's not like you're really that upset, and where I come from, cussing wasn't just tossed into everyday conversation. Mild cussing was an indicator that someone was getting very upset.
🙃SMC: And since it’s no longer 1983, we have a variety of toon time picks to choose from, at any and all hours of the day (and night). Unfortunately, toddlers aren’t that keen on variety, as it turns out, and usually have just a handful of favorites that they beg to watch over and over and over and over and over and…well, you know what I mean. They also have a scary uncanny ability to choose the ones that most make you want to shove a rusty fork through your brain after about the third replay. Some of the most popular kids shows that we love to hate are:
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, I know the feeling. I get it every time people repost Buzzfeed, Unworthy, (Way to go, Autocorrect, lol), Elitedaily, HuffingtonPost, George Takei, Playbuzz, any link with 'buzz' in it actually, on my Facebook, and I also get this nerf-grating feeling when otaku/bronies etc. assault my screen with their tripe.
🙃SMC: 1. Caillou. Marketed as “educational” from some well-intentioned sadists in Canada,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Scowl* No, not sadists! What's the matter with Caillou? It's one of the cuter shows out there. As far away from sadism as it gets.
🙃SMC: (sorry Canada. I love you, but you screwed the pooch on this one!)
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No you're not sorry, so don't lie. And gah I hate that saying "screwed the pooch" Yes, its origins are shady, and beware, there are f-bombs on that page from which this phrase was derived.
And by using this expression, you just did it as well; Caillou has a cat, not a pooch. Good going…
🙃SMC: this little bald whiny @$$
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ahem! "Little whiner" would've done nicely. And I don't even think he's particularly whiny, not for a 4-year-old cartoon character…
🙃SMC: is the epitome of what we hate the most about our adorable but annoying as flare offspring.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Excuse me - if you can't keep a civil tong in your head, shut up!
The point is, Caillou acts like a 4-year-old. And you got problems with that? Would you rather they turned him into a girl-crazy teenager? hardly fit content for little kids to be watching.
🙃SMC: Why is he bald? That’s what people on the peripheral want to know.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Why is that important? It's unusual, but heck, he's a cartoon character. If you want to talk about strange looking, how about SpongeBob? And I like SpongeBob BTW, but he is excellent for making this point. &&&
🙃SMC: Parents want to know why he whines all the bleepity bleep time and
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: A high voice doesn't automatically = whining. Compared with real kids his age, Caillou seems to be a pretty happy kid, actually.
Now if you want to talk annoying, Angelica from Rugrats fits the bill! Ugh! She's bratty, she's bossy, she cries just to get her own way, she's got a harsh little voice like sandpaper, and her name serves to reinforce just how bratty she is.
🙃SMC: what kinds of drugs is his mom on that she stays so calm and peaceful in the face of his incessant whine-a-thons.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* Next to some real kids, he doesn't whine any worse, unless they've made him do so in episodes I haven't seen… So what kind of drugs are you on to keep you calm during your own kids' whine-a-thons, then?
🙃SMC: Share your secret, oh medicated animation! And seriously, has no one ever explained negative reinforcement principles to this woman? He whines, so you give in to his demands every.single.time. (Much in the same dynamics as Angelina Ballerina, who also throws at least one scream fit per episode and still gets her way in the end.) No. Just, no.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Seriously, you must be watching episodes I've never seen. Because in all the eps I've watched, Caillou only got upset with one or two friends - during a couple of episodes, and once when he threw a tantrum over the circus being the day after the day he thought it was going to be on. They had to get firm with him, though it's true, they didn't shout him down. They handle him through humouring, something that might work on a preschooler, but not so much on an older kid. And that was the worst fit I remember him throwing. But - I haven't watched all episodes, so...
🙃SMC: 2. Max and Ruby. Ruby is constantly whining “Maaaaaxx” in that nagging shrew voice, while she exhausts herself trying to entertain, distract, and parent her brother, with nary a learning point to be seen. And where the he|| are Max and Ruby’s parents? That’s the question on everyone’s lips. Answers range from conspiracy theories about bossy little micromanaging Ruby being a teenage mom, to their parents actually being deceased in a horrific roadkill accident without Grandma spilling the beans yet, to abandonment in the way of wild bunnies across the globe. Whatever the answer, this 7 year old and 3 year old are left to their own devices for the entirety of the series, no matter where they roam, with cameos by Grandma at the end of the episode, usually to point out that poor little single word Max has saved the day in some fashion, in spite of being able to only shout one word at a time and Ruby’s constant 🚺🐕wenching and batcr@ crazy control issues.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ugh. That show rubs me the wrong way too. What I've heard of it, I don't like. what little I happened on, I don't care for, and some fanboy introduced me to it, a fanboy who got kicked off one of my sites for being a fanboy and creeping me out. I don't warm to stuff that gets introduced to me through people like that who annoy and/or creep me out.
But again, no need for vulgar language.
🙃SMC: 3. Doc McStuffins.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Never heard of it.
🙃SMC: This show is hailed as a breakaway from popular stereotypes and tons of people love it, but there are a significant number who also find it a wee bit creepy. It’s not just Doc’s imagination bringing these toys to life, which is clear from the way they can sometimes interact with the physical world even when adults are around. Doc’s like a little Madame Frankenstein, indiscriminately deciding who’s worthy of consciousness. OR…else she’s a little delusional and we the viewers are seeing her psychotic story unfold through her eyes the way it’s playing out in her overactive imagination. You decide. And does this poor little child have a real name, or was her mom so hung up on her own career that she named her daughter Doc for real?
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Actually, that sounds like it might be a pretty neat show. Sure, Doc is a strange name. But use your imagination, will you? Maybe this girl doesn't want to be called by her real name, whatever it is. Maybe, just maybe she's called Doc because she wants to be called Doc.
Is that any different from using an internet handle?
And what's wrong with bringing toys to life in your imagination and choosing which ones to do that with? Didn't you play pretend with your own toys when you were a kid and give some more time, attention, and character than others?
I get the feeling if Doc McStuffins creeps you out, you'd have a real conniption over my Jessica Smith and furby stories. Mind you, I wasn't writing for a preschool audience either, though some of it would be okay for them.
🙃SMC: 4. Dora the Explorer.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ugh ugh ugh! No kidding!
🙃SMC: Even though Dora appears to be around 7ish, this annoying as flareall
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: ENOUGH! *Scowl*
🙃SMC: show has actually been on the air for FIFTEEN FLARING YEARS.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Facepalm* I said cut that out!
And your point?
The Simpsons has been on even longer, and yet Bart is still 10, Lisa is still 7, and the baby is still a baby. Why didn't you mention that as a comparison?
🙃SMC: (It’s now syndicated around the world in 20 different languages.) The epitome of animated parental neglect, this little shrieking queen is SO.F***ING.LOUD.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Newsflash, so are you, tossing out f-bombs, left, right, and centre.
🙃SMC: it’s no wonder her parents don’t give a damn how deep into the jungle she wanders all alone. Armed only with her magic backpack, purple monkey, and deranged sentient map
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Which contradicts what you just said. She's not alone, then… But yes, IMO, that kind of show would bore me to tears.
🙃SMC: (STFU MAP! For the love of all that’s holy, STFU.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Since when do you care about what's holy?
🙃SMC: We KNOW you’re the m*****flaring map.),
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: *Glare* I - SAID - SHUT IT! Especially that, I hate f-bombs anyway, but what kind of deranged perverted idiot thought it was a cool idea to put it with the word 'mother'? Know what that sounds like? Incest. So stop using it!
🙃SMC: this show is great for teaching your kids bits and pieces of another language, but horribly destructive to the concept of an “inside voice”.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Which is not unlike Angelica from Rugrats, and anime.
🙃SMC: And just for the record, that fourth wall thing where she stares at the screen waiting for you to respond to every question is just disturbing.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: No it isn't. No more disturbing than playing any interactive game. Do Bop it and Simon disturb you too? How about voice recordings on the phone that prompt you to speak a selection or press a number?
🙃SMC: 5. Nina Needs To Go!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Oh, darn, so MLP isn't in there after all.
🙃SMC: Four year old Nina isn’t potty trained all the way just yet, and every episode revolves around the hassle of trying to get this little heifer to the potty before she wets herself.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Urgh. *Wince*
🙃SMC: While we’re sure it was well-intentioned, because ❗️ knows,
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Don't blaspheme!
🙃SMC: it’s pretty true to life with a 3-4 year old, so far it has inspired worlds of hate from parents all over the country who say all it’s teaching our kids is that it’s okay to wait until the very last possible second to tell someone you have to pee, even after they’ve asked you eleventy-billion times.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Yeah, I can see it going that way.
SMC: She never learns her lesson and someone (usually Nana) is always swooping in at the last second to get her there before she has an accident. Nina doesn’t need to go, she needs to go AWAY (and possibly get checked for a UTI) and stop teaching my toddler to hold it until his little bladder bursts or until I physically carry him to the toilet.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That was the only thing you said worth reading. Why on earth couldn't you have cleaned up your language long before this? The points you made about Dora, and Max and Ruby were good, but you polluted those sections so badly with f-bombs and ruined the article.
🙃SMC: Related post: My Kids Watch Way Too Much TV And I Don’t Care
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Uh, no. Not checking that one out. This has completely sapped any initial curiosity I ever had concerning what makes up this site, and this title doesn't even look good to start with.
🙃Scary Mommy Site: ABOUT THE AUTHOR...
The Scary Mommy Community is bound by humor, humility and an understanding that we can love our children to death... yet still need to vent about them.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Venting is one thing. This is trash. Need I reiterate what I said about humour earlier?
No laugh. No love. The name fits the site, it has actually scared me off. I will never read another ScaryMommy.com article if I can possibly help it.
Okay, I'm done here. Over and out! *Bolts, leaving Scarymommy in the dust*