Attack of the Mary Sue Brigade

by: Ellen Brand

This was funny, a fanfic I actually liked!


Disclaimer: Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg belong to PetFly, any Rangers belong to Saban, Beast Warriors belong to Hasbro and Mainframe, and Reboot characters also belong to Mainframe. Darkwing and Negaduck belong to Disney, the Real Ghostbusters belong to DIC, and I must lay claim to the Mary Sues. Sorry. Yep, guys, its another muse fic! This one is probably rated G by the Motion Picture Association of America.

Did you ever wonder where fanfic ideas go when they're not bugging you? Of course not. You have bigger things to worry about, like car payments, work, and explaining to your parents just WHY you papered your room with pictures of the Blue Astro Ranger. However, the fact remains that there is a place that ideas return to when not wreaking havoc in the lives of those writers blessed (or cursed) with the ability to perceive them.

That place is known as Authorspace.

Authorspace is a type of dimensional limbo, inhabiting no particular world. It sits between dimensions, and is home to ideas of all types. Each particular Authorspace bubble is keyed to a particular author, of course, and serves as a resting ground for all the ideas and weird thoughts that warped minds can come up with. And its into Authorspace we go, for a look at a conflict as old as fandom itself. No, not "Kirk vs. Picard!" Older even than that.

Raise your seat backs, stow your tray tables, and toss logical thought out the window. It's gonna be a bumpy night.

Jim Ellison was just drifting off when the sound of screaming awoke him. With a long-suffering sigh, he opened his eyes just in time to see Blair Sandburg, his roommate, partner, and Guide tear past, screaming at the top of his lungs. Reaching out, Jim grabbed the idea pursuing his partner, giving it a little shake.

"We've talked about this, haven't we?" Jim asked, as the four-foot duck turned purple from lack of oxygen. Negaduck, unable to respond, simply nodded. "I thought so. Didn't I tell you to stop attacking my partner?"

Jim loosened his grip a little, allowing the toon to regain his wind. "Hey, I can't help myself. He's a psycho magnet. I'm a psycho," the masked duck explained.

Jim gestured to a heap of varicolored plastic in one corner. "Those were the Psycho Rangers."

"Oops." Negaduck had little time to say anything else before he and his chainsaw were launched out of a convenient window.

"Jim?" Blair asked, catching his breath. "Isn't the loft on, like, the third floor?"

The Sentinel shrugged. "He's a toon." Suddenly more cries caught the police detective's sensitive hearing. "I think we have a problem, Chief."

"Oh, THERE'S a big surprise," Blair muttered sarcastically. Jim stifled a grin as he and Blair headed off towards the noise.

Jim stopped dead as he beheld the source of the commotion. Several of the burlier ideas were pressed up against a large metal door, desperately attempting to hold it shut. Powerful blows rocked the portal, and even Optimal Optimus looked to be having a hard time with the thing. Leaving Blair by the truck (which had appeared out of nowhere in grand Authorspace tradition,) Jim went and lent his shoulder to the effort.

"What's-- back here, anyway?" he grunted. Beside him, Matrix made a face.

"The end of everything."

"A Powerpuff Girls crossover?"

"Worse. Much, MUCH worse."

The sound of groaning metal suddenly silenced all conversation, as the defenders were flung away by one powerful shove. The door flew open, and for a moment, there was silence, as the horrified ideas beheld the five figures within.

Physically identical, the newcomers looked almost like regular ideas. However, all were tall and thin, with red hair, and were astonishingly beautiful. Or they would have been, if not for the insane red eyes and six-inch fangs.

"By Primus, NO!" Original Optimus Primal whispered. "Mary Sue fanfics!"

The one in the red shirt giggled. "Far more than that, puny mortals!" she answered him. Her voice was like purest silk, and her tone was as far from sane as possible.

"We are the purest essence of Mary Sue! We absorbed our weaker brethren, purifying ourselves until only we five were left. And, taking our cue from the main obsession of our inspiration, we have molded ourselves into a powerful fighting force. We are... THE MARY SUE RANGERS!" Dramatic lightning flashed on the other side of the door, despite the total lack of clouds in the sky.

"Wow!" Rocky piped up. "Nice special effects!" He broke off uncomfortably, as he noticed Red watching him hungrily.

"So glad you think so," she purred. "MS RANGERS! Power UP!" Light flashed again, and suddenly the five females were clad in color-coded versions of the White Ranger's old outfit.

"I am MS Red! I just LOVE Power Ranger fics... Especially Rocky and TJ." Both Rangers let out quick "eeps," ducking behind other gathered ideas.

"I am MS Black! Beast Wars for me... Optimus."

The Maximal rolled his eyes. "I think I preferred being dead."

"Invited by a Sentinel overdose, and inspired by a Sailor Moon gag, I am MS Pink!"

"MS Blue's the name and Ghostbusters are MY game." For the first time in living memory, Peter Venkman hid from a beautiful woman.

"And I am MS Green, Reboot fan unmatched! Quake before me, puny mortals!"

As the MS Rangers entered the obligatory "Stupid Pose Sequence," Cheetor turned to Optimus anxiously. "What do we do, Big Bot?"

"Keep them away from their targets, Cheetor. It's all we can- AUGH!" Optimus was cut off as MS Black suddenly pounced on him.

Jim and Matrix found themselves trying to fend off MS Green, as MS Pink chased Blair around in large circles. "What happened?" the police detective wanted to know. "How could they get out of the vault?"

"Ellen's so stressed from her class load that she hasn't been writing much," the rogue Guardian explained. "I guess the pressure got to be too much for her. Don't worry about it. Once these five tire themselves out with activity, Ellen'll be able to stuff 'em back into confinement where they belong."

Jim shook his head. "I hope you're right, Matrix. I only hope you're right."


Mary Sue Page

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