Mockery Of A Harry Potter Fanfic

Originally found at this link, edited to remove those dreadful otaku smilies and the irrelevant boring banter.

🙃 😏

😏DG: We don't own Harry Potter.

🙃TG: On the other hand... We do own Marie Susan Scarlett Smith the Fourth.

😏DG: So you can't sue us over stealing her... ...and please refrain from suing us for Susan's horrible Mary-Sueness. It's a mockery!!


A Mockery of a Harry Potter Fanfic

by DarkGatomon and Teeg, the original Taioragirl

Her name was Marie Susan Scarlett Smith the Fourth. Her eyes were a brilliant blue. She had long flowing blond hair that went straight down past her shoulders, perfect in every light. It was to be her first year at her newest school, Hogwarts, the best school a witch or wizard could ever be in. And this was perfect for our Marie since of course... she was perfect. Her smile would lighten up even the divination room and her talents were only matched by the great Harry Potter himself. She was slim, but not too slim. Marie had the body build of a young teen super model and so she played Quidditch as an excellent chaser, never missing a goal.

She was a student from America, the absolute best country in the world. She got into Hogwarts as a special exception because she was so very, very gifted in magic. She was already ranked as the best witch in the country. It was no surprise that she was very popular. And so the story of our young heroine begins on the perfect sunny day of the fifth year at Hogwarts.

Harry bounced happily into the Great Hall and took a seat waiting for the Sorting Ceremony to begin. "It's so cool to get to come in normally for once!" he remarked to his friend Hermione.

Hermione gave him a smile and said, "I love it when you bounce in like that.... Oh, did you hear about the new girl?"

Harry blinked a couple of times. "There's a new girl? No, I didn't!"

Marie entered the Great Hall and everyone could sense her arrival. She gave everyone a smile and they all hushed at the mere sight of her. She was the most beautiful girl Hogwarts had seen in a long time, if you all didn't know. Even Dumbledore stopped to gaze upon her beauty. Hermione turned and blinked silently for a moment, then turned to see what Harry was doing.

Harry's jaw had dropped open at the sight of Marie. There was a puddle of drool on the tablecloth under his chin. He was, quite simply, star-struck.

Draco was amazed by her wondrous beauty as well. He literally died when he saw her! He fell off his chair and hit his head on the table, giving him a nose bleed. "I love her..." he gasped, not even noticing.

Ron was running extremely late to the feast. He saw a girl in the doorway, her hair was of a blinding, yet glorious blond. He figured she must be some kind of angel or something Voldemort had sent. Deciding it was for the best, Ron began to run and charge at her from behind. Our Marie some how sensed this and tried to move, but it was too late. Ron had tackled her and when he saw her face he nearly fainted from the beauty. "I love you... I mean... I'm sorry!" He blushed and got up. He turned to the rest, finding them all glaring at him. "Uh..."

Marie stood up and her hair was STILL in place, no dirt dared to smudge her skin.

Harry leapt to his feet, a split second before the rest of the school. "Watch where you're going, you clumsy oaf!!!!" His voice was instantly drowned out by the loud chorus of boos directed at Ron. A couple of 6th year boys jumped over the tables and grabbed Ron, dragging him away from the beautiful Marie.

Ron was confused at how Harry was acting. But soon he gave a mighty yelp and was strangely silenced soon after. Hermione jumped to her feet after Harry to see if the new girl was okay. Marie smiled and nodded to Harry. "Why, thank you. I'm Marie Susan Scarlett Smith the Fourth." She gave a very cute giggle and Hermione just raised an eyebrow slightly, annoyed already by our heroine. Hermione, how could you be annoyed by her?!

Draco pushed past everybody else and was at the front of the room with Marie in a couple of seconds. "I hope that stupid-as-dirt Gryffindor didn't hurt you! I'm a pureblood," he bragged, preening.

Marie gave him a beaming smile. "I'm a pureblood, too! My mother and father were grand wizards! I'm Marie Susan Scarlett Smith the Fourth. And you are?" Her voice was like an angel's.

"I'm Draco Malfoy! I'm one of the richest wizards in the world!" he lied. He couldn't help it! Marie was just so beautiful that she made one want to do anything one could just to be near her! Marie would never lie, though. Marie was too perfect to need or want to lie! Marie was the absolute best.

And so Marie's obvious reply was, "That's very interesting. My family, from America, is almost the richest in the world. But I'd never be too snobby about my money." 'Course she wouldn't, hex, she is the nicest person on Earth.

Harry elbowed him in the side. "You might have money, but I'VE got skill! And fame!!!" Harry turned to Marie. "I'm Harry Potter! I'm the most famous wizard in the world!" And it was true.

She turned to Harry. "I've heard about you before. I came from the best school in America. I was top of my class. I bet our skills are about equal." It, too, was the truth.

Hermione didn't like being ignored like this. "I'm the top student here at Hogwarts. My grades are top and I was Muggle born!" she said proudly.

Marie gave her a smile. "I'm glad to hear that you are top. And being a Muggle born, I'm sorry to hear that." It was okay that she said this, for no one could tell that it was wrong to say since she was, well, perfect.

Draco shoved Hermione. "Shut up! Marie doesn't care about you! You're just a stupid mudblood!" He pulled out his wand.

Hermione was shoved back hard, then pulled out her wand. She aimed it at Draco. "You know I can out do you, mascot of Slytherin!"

"I'd like to see you try!!!" taunted Draco. "At least you've got SOME guts now! You wouldn't even fight your own battles before! Now let's see what you're made of!"

Harry jumped in the middle of the fight. "No! We shouldn't fight, it would be wrong, and against the rules!!!" Normally, Harry wouldn't have cared, but he had to find SOME way to make himself look good in front of Marie!

Hermione gripped her wand hard and continued to point it at Draco. But Harry stepped in the way and she backed off. "You're right. I'll get you, Draco..." She turned to Harry... "Let's get back to the table."

Marie gave a large smile. "Thank you, Harry, for stopping the fight. I was sorted into Gryffindor earlier. May I sit with you, Harry?" She turned to Draco. "I do hope to see you again, Draco!" She gave him a perfect kiss with her perfect lips on his cheek and went to look back at Harry. "May I?"

Harry nodded so hard that he almost fell over. "SURE, you can sit with me!!!" He shoved Hermione without even looking at her. "You can go sit somewhere else. Marie needs your seat!"

Draco gibbered at Marie's kiss. "Wow..." he breathed. "What a girl..." He was in a daze all the way back to his seat -- and he tried two different tables until he found the right one.

Hermione gave Harry a surprised look. She looked almost ready to cry. "Fine! Take her over your best friend. I'm ganna go find Ron and see if he is okay!" Shoving past Marie on purpose, she went off to find Ron.

Marie just blinked as Hermione so violently and rudely pushed her out of the way. She shrugged and turned to Harry. "Thank you!"

Harry smiled happily at Marie, not even noticing what Hermione had done. "You're welcome!!!"

Hermione entered the hall heading toward the dorms and found Ron, hung upside down from the ceiling, being poked by Peeves. She let him down and told him what happened.

They both headed back to the Great Hall, avoiding eye contact. Sitting further away from Harry, Ron tried to explain to people booing him what he thought she was, producing a few "How could you!" comments.

It was then a large crash came from the hallway. A large black spirit came in with few trolls beneath him. "I am Voldemort and you shall pay! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Marie stood up from her seat with Harry and pointed her wand. Voldemort stopped to swoon before going back to his evil plot.

Harry screamed at the pain in his head, but he still struggled to get in front of Marie and protect her. "RUN, Marie Susan Scarlett Smith the Fourth! Save yourself!!"

"No, Harry! I'm brave enough to take him on with you!" She yelled. Hermione rolled her eyes and stood ready to help Harry even though he was so rude. Ron did as well, but started ogling over Marie. Hermione smacked him so hard he fell backwards, and she returned to her defensive pose.

Draco wished there was something he could do to help, but there was no way he could get over there in time!! So he did the only thing he could... he picked up a chair and threw it at Voldemort's back.

Voldemort turned towards Draco and flew at him! Well, our perfect heroine wouldn't stand for this! She jumped into the air using a jumping spell and stood in front of Draco as Voldemort shot a lightning bolt at him from his hands.

"NOOOOOOO!!!! MARIE!!!!!!!!" The entire assembly, teachers and all, cried out as one. Hermione excluded of course, she wanted to see Marie get blown up. HERMIONE HOW DARE YOU THINK LIKE THAT! Marie is so perfect even the author loves her! Anyways, back to the story of our wonderful Marie.

Draco was horrified that Marie was sacrificing herself to save him!!! Even if it meant that she must really like him a lot! He didn't care about that! All he cared about was Marie!!!!

They all screamed in horror as Marie fell to the ground. It affected her and yet no mark dared show on her.

Draco rushed over to her limp form. "Oh, Marie! How could you do that, just for me?!" Tears ran down his face.

She looked up at him with her shimmering blue eyes. "I couldn't help it... I knew from the moment I saw you that we should be together... I had to protect you..." She gave a few hacks and coughs.

It was at this point Hermione couldn't help give out a "Ha!" And was hit with a few flying pieces of food.

Then Voldemort turned on Harry. "NOW DIE!" he said.

Harry gasped and backed away from Voldemort. "NO!! Stay away!!!" But then he looked at Marie... lying on the ground... and he stopped. He looked up at Voldemort. "You MUST pay for what you have done!"

Draco wouldn't leave Marie's side... but he could still cheer Harry on! "Come on! FOR MARIE!!!"

Voldemort turned to Marie and realized what he had done. He let out a large "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! You shall pay for her death, Harry! If you hadn't stopped her she would still be alive!!!" The evil dude went right at Harry.

Hermione jumped and tackled Harry to the ground causing Voldemort to miss. "DEMN YOU, HERMIONE!" Voldemort yelled.

Harry gasped. "Hermione! You risked yourself! For me!!! You're almost as brave as Marie! I mean, not quite as brave, because NO ONE could be as brave as her, but... close!"

Hermione gave a small smile. "Yeah... I suppose," she said. THAT A GIRL 'MIONE! Anyways, Marie gave a small groan and looked up at Draco. Voldemort came around for a second pass before Dumbledore finally got over the greatness that is Marie and blasted him into dust, but did not kill him.

Hermione looked at Harry. Harry nodded. "Thanks to you, I am... you saved me..." He then leapt to his feet and ran over to Marie. "Marie!! Are you okay?!"

Marie was fidgeting in her spot. WILL SOMEONE GET HER TO THE HOSPITAL WING ALREADY?! Hermione sighed and just walked up behind him. Poor, poor, Marie was in desperate need of some help. Dumbledore yelled, "DRACO TO THE HOSPITAL WING!" he said, giving a pointing gesture and putting a hand on his hip. Hermione once again rolled her eyes.

Draco nodded. "At once!!!" He swept poor, poor, brave Marie up in his arms, and ran full speed toward the infirmary.

'Bout demn time! Dumbledore and all the other students and teachers followed in close pursuit as they made it to the wing. Madam Pomfrey gasped. "MARIE SUSAN SCARLETT SMITH THE FOURTH!" She rushed right over and put her on the bed. "We must save her! She is too great to die!"

"Please do all you can!!" begged Harry. All the other students and teachers chorused with him. "PLEASE!"

Marie soon opened her eyes to see all the loving faces of her fellow classmates who had been standing there the whole week she was unconscious. Madame Pomfrey shoved a piece of chocolate, that dared not melt on Marie, into her hand. "Here you brave, brave girl, eat up..." Hermione came in and was still annoyed, after all she did save Harry...

As soon as Marie opened her eyes, Draco felt blissful. She was awake! She was alright! He held onto her free hand, smiling at her beatific, angelic face. Not even a single hair was out of place on her wondrous head! "I am so happy to see you awake, my angel, my light! I am so happy that you are alright!"

Harry laid his hand on her forehead, since he couldn't take her other one. "I, too, adore you, Marie! You saved us all from Voldemort! You are the bravest, beautifulest, smartest girl in the entire world!"

"Oh, Draco... I had a vision as I slept, being so great at seeing the future and all, and in that vision you and I were married and had many children.... Draco... I LOVE YOU!" She said, her voice emotional and loving.

Hermione grinned and beamed at Harry "She loves Draco... AND I'M THE SMARTEST!" She hit him over the head with her wand. Then she comforted him and rubbed his head. "As you can see she is only to love one man and never stray since she is so perfect it would destroy her..." Hermione pretended to sigh. "I'm sorry, Harry...."

Draco smiled happily. "I love you too, Marie! I want to spend the rest of my life with you!" He pulled out a huge diamond engagement ring, completely free of flaws, just like his beloved Marie, and slipped it onto her finger. "You are the most wonderful girl I have ever seen, and I shall always be by your side!"

Sadly, things could not be so perfect for everyone. However, Harry knew that Hermione really cared about him, and she was almost as brave and smart as Marie, even if she was, quite sadly, nowhere near as beautiful or kind. He knew that she was the best he could hope for, though, because there could only be one such blessed being as Marie Susan.

Ron rushed into the hospital wing and overheard that Marie was taken. He threw the flower he had at Draco and went to sit by Hermione and Harry. "All this love stuff sucks.... I'm surprised you and Harry ain't dating," he said to Hermione.

"Well, I couldn't possibly live up to her... Why would Harry even look my way, let alone love me now!" Hermione said, sighing.

Harry smiled at Hermione. "You're right," he said in the sweetest tone of voice possible, "you aren't as wonderful and perfect as Marie. But I can still love you, if you promise to try hard!"

Hermione would have punched him right there if she didn't love him so. She sighed and said, "I will try my hardest, Harry... as long as you don't mention her again. Since she did leave you for your dreaded enemy Draco." She smirked. "Hey, Ron, I hear Cho is single!"

Harry nodded. "I will try my best, although it WILL be hard." Everyone was very impressed with this sacrifice on his part, seeing as how he had been so very close to Marie.

Yes, yes he was a poor man having to sacrifice such perfection.... But in the end all was good. Hermione actually ended up becoming a very beautiful brunette. But she was never as beautiful as Marie, who lives happily with Draco and their perfect children like Marie. Harry did in fact marry Hermione, and their kids, too, grew up just like the parents. And in an odd twist of fate, Cho and Ron got together and hit it off. Go figure? Snape ended up for some reason in a bar with Voldemort having a heated discussion of who despised Harry Potter more. We never did hear the result or from the two ever again. To this day a statue of Marie stands in the grand Great Hall, to memorialize her bravery that day she arrived. Although, the statue even though being a duplicate was never as perfect as the original.

😏DG: Wow. THAT... was impressive. I can't believe we did that, just the two of us. Think Hika'll be surprised?

🙃TG: She better be! We worked hard on this. I mean do you know how hard it is to write a Mary-Sue while fighting the urge to kill her... I mean, keep her from harm?

😏DG: *snickers* Yeah, I'm sure that's what ya meant. Ugh. She was a horrid beast, that one... I hope I never see her likes again! EVER! ... *pause* ...you wanna know the REALLY sad thing?

🙃TG: And this would be a prime example of a Harry Potter Mary-Sue. What is that, DG?

😏DG: *shudders* I was reading a horrid Yu-Gi-Oh! Mary-Sue while I was writing this one. It was dreadful. Just as we were writing Marie Susan sacrificing herself for Draco, the other fic's Mary Sue was sacrificing herself for Yugi!! It was terrible!

🙃TG: O.O ACK! How awful for you... *Hugs* It will be okay..... I'm surprised I didn't make this fic a self-insertion and kill Marie my own demn self! I was tempted to... Anyways... THIS WAS FOR OUR HIKA! WE LOVE YOU! *Victory sign*

😏DG: We miss you so much, Hika!!! Please come back soon!!! You know that when we're all together, nothing can stop us! *poses with a V-sign, too*

🙃TG: *Turning to leave Walking off*

😏DG: *exits fic left*

🙃TG: *Exits behind DG*


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