how to write a mary sue fic in 7 easy steps
note: don't know what a mary sue is? i'm too lazy to explain it. go here.
don't know what fanfic is? i give up. go read something else.
so. you're a female star wars geek and you want to write some fanfic. but not good fanfic. not witty, smart fanfic like this. you want to write some total crap.
you want to write a mary sue story.
but you're lacking something. inspiration? skill? creativity? (actually, no self-respecting mary sue author has either of the last two, but whatever.) well, get out your lisa frank notebook and a pen, cause i'm here to hook you up. behold, the mary sue story generator, v1.0!
step one: the name
i know what you're saying... "but sara... shouldn't the plot come first?" no, silly! the plot is always the weakest and least-considered part of any mary sue story! infact, the mary sue is the only element of the story that's developed at all!
your mary sue needs a name, of course. but what? there are generally three methods to naming your sith-squainking alter ego:
take any two (or three) of the following names: cassandra, lily, larissa, selena, serena, rhiannon, brianna. mix and match as desired. lilandra? aww, yeah. serissa? oh, yes. rhianna? totally.
make your own name sound star wars-y. lisa=li-sah, becky=beh-kae, jennifer=jae-nau fyrr, leia= ...oh. oops.
make up a completely idiotic, vaguely sw-ish name from scratch. kiazaru gonn-marr? perfect! bonus points for using a ' (c'sandra!)
step two: physical characteristics
now that you've got a really stupid, unpronounceable name for your mary sue, you'll want to figure out what she looks like. there are a few things every mary sue must have. she'll need giant gravity defying breasts to push at her modest tunic, fiery red hair, and eyes of either green or violet. regarding height, she should either be a well-muscled, yet still hourglass-shaped, amazon, or a mere waif whose small stature belies her true ability to kick a$$. mary sue represent!
step three: glamourous line of work
All mary sues tend to be either a) jedi knights, b) bounty hunters, c) pilots or d) in the foodservice industry. occasionally they do branch out into other fields-- tattoo artists and mechanics, for example-- but for the most part, no.
of course, your mary sue can always be one of the leisure classes-- a pampered princess who comes to a new understanding of the way things really are through the teachings of a virile jedi/sith/rebel.
step four: force abilities
note that i didn't say force sensitivity. all mary sues have a natural aptitude for the force that makes anakin skywalker look like a midichlorian-deprived pansy.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Which he is anyway...
👩💻Sara: basically, there are only two things you need to ask yourself, force-wise.
first of all, is your mary sue on the light side or the dark side? or is she not affiliated with either side, but a dashingly amoral free agent
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Ugh. Dashing? Try sickening.
👩💻Sara: and/or too demn deep to mess with these "light" and "dark" labels?
secondly, how much training has she had? people tend to go to one extreme or another here. either mary sue is a super-skilled jedi knight with years at the academy under her belt (the better to heal khameir with!), or she's a complete novice. in the latter case, be sure to fit in plenty of scenes in which mary sue and luke/obi-wan/qui-gon/whoever fall into each other arms mid-training session.
step five: who should she shag?
because we all know that she will shag someone at some point in the story. the most popular options:
luke-- i don't know why anyone would want him, either, but i've always been told i have no taste in farmboys. if mary sue hooks up with luke, he should spout incredibly deep jedi-ish things every moment he's not screaming "yes! yes! yes!" and of course, no luke fic would be complete without mention of his "manly arms".
darth maul-- there are two maulfic options. either there can be an incredibly tasteless rape scene (with or without sidious in the background going, "do you like your reward, my apprentice?") or mary sue can save maul from the theed generator and turn him back to all that is right and good. if you choose the latter scenario, don't forget to have mary sue call him "khameir". bonus points if she just knows this is his real name without him telling her.
obi-wan-- he's innocent! he's trembling! but he's still incredibly studly and forceful!
qui-gon-- mary sue's innocent and trembling. qui-gon is still incredibly forceful.
step six: sex!
"he put his sex in her sex and they had sex!" --sarah's parody of a mary sue sex scene
the sex scene, better known as "the whole entire reason the demn fic was even written", is very important. it should always be awkward and incredibly squickful. if you can make it sound like you don't know how it's actually done, that's best of all. remember-- mary sue sex isn't supposed to be arousing, but embarassing.
you should also try to fit all these lovely -ing words into the sex scenes: "throbbing", "thrusting", "bulging", "trembling", "quaking".
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Which is sure to leave some readers cringing and gagging.
👩💻Sara: one more note: the male character does not have a "penis". nor does he have a "d***" or a "c***". he has a "hardness" or a "manhood". if you're going to be really risque, it's a "sex".
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: That last one is the most honest and least squicky of those euphemisms, probably because it is not a euphemism at all.
👩💻Sara: women also have "sexes", or "womanhoods", or "wetnesses". just make sure not to describe genitalia with any term regularly used by anyone over 12 years old.
step seven: that thing... whaddaya call it? oh yeah... the plot!
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Lol! Good call, putting it last on the list.
👩💻Sara: now that you've worked out who's going to strip off mary sue's tunic and make her a woman, and what he's gonna do it with, you have to devise some wanky little scenario to explain why and where he's doing so. just... oh, i dunno. stick them in a training room at the academy or a secluded corner of the rebel base. whatever.
if you've followed the instructions correctly, you should now have a really really awful piece of fanfic... congratulations! post it to the darth maul estrogen brigade or fanfiction.net, and wait for the accolades to come rollin' in!
and wait. and wait. and wait.
🧝♀️Ocean Elf: Because everybody there is too busy writing their own crap to read yours. And so the cycle repeats over and over.
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