The Rantings of a Forgotten Mary Sue

From Kaylee

With input from Ocean Elf



Was talking with Kielle – our favorite Scribe – on the matter of "Mary Sues." We all know Mary Sues. Heck, every writer’s probably had one. (C’mon...y’know you have... ;-) That beloved character who was a slice (or maybe a chunk🤩) of you, and who let you voyeuristically experience the most amazing adventures...

Anyways, was talking with Kielle, and she sparked all these old memories about my first Mary Sue. I’d almost forgotten about her – or thought I had, though since I kept her name she was probably somewhere in my subconscious – but she’s now found fresh ears to howl her complaints into...namely mine. *sigh* Kielle said that Jaya at least deserved a rant, and Jaya took her up on it.

So what I have to listen to, y’all have to listen to. ;-) Disclaimer posted at the end...

Without further ado...

The Rantings of a Forgotten Mary Sue

By Kaylee

😡Jaya: It just figures.

I was there from the beginning. I was there when the little snot didn’t even know how to fasten a bra without getting that annoying kink in the shoulders.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Eyebrows raised* Oh, really? Of all the things you could've mentioned about her childhood, you just had to be stupid and talk about bras. You're not starting out well.

😡Jaya: I was there when a driver’s license was just a fond dream and puberty was nothing but a three-syllable word.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You couldn't even manage a sentence about driver's license without dragging puberty into this. Oh, you really aren't impressing me.

😡Jaya:No no no...don’t mind me.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: It's too late for that, Jaya, out of the gate, you got off on the wrong foot with me.

😡Jaya: I just saved the world a few dozen times. I took on the Brood. I even played chess with the Brood Queen. (Of course, I’d been implanted with an egg, but she came to respect me and so kindly had it removed so that I could live...wasn’t that nice of her?)

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I'd like to know who was the bozo that implanted you with an egg in the first place, since you apparently couldn't make your own - and ovulation hasn't killed any of us yet. Pregnancy and giving birth is another matter.

😡Jaya: I was once the physical manifestation of the Rafix force – and honey, you think the Phoenix is something? Hah! Rafix spawned Phoenix! Phoenix was nothing! I took on Dark Phoenix and had her beat in two seconds flat! (And then, being a compassionate victor, I purged the evil influence from her mind so Jean Grey could live happy and free from darkness...)

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Much depends on how it was done, dearie - but my first and only mission to beat pales in comparison to all your accomplishments I'm sure.

😡Jaya: I faced the Reavers. Pathetic slobs, they were. Left them searching a junkyard for spare parts.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Hmmm, thanks for the idea. I'll keep it in mind should I need to meet out some extended punishment to somebody.

😡Jaya: I took on the Marauders. Joined them for a while. Led them after that. Eventually decided the only one worth redeeming was Creed, so I offed the rest and inspired him to recant his evil ways out of lust--er, love for me. And he wasn’t half-bad after I had him burn that damned fur-lined costume!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Boo-hiss. Fail.

😡Jaya: I fought the X-Men. And won. (It helped that I had Infinite Power, I admit...) Then politely left them alive, as it had all been a case of mistaken identity.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You fought a whole pack of men thinking they were somebody else? Or - vice versa? Wow, what a way to anti-climatic stupidity.

😡Jaya: I chased back the Beyonder. Yawning all the while.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: All these references of things, people and places I haven't heard of, is making me yawn.

😡Jaya: I fixed Xavier’s back and legs so he could walk. He still couldn’t get that jump-shot, though.

I gave Scott control over his optic blasts.

I gave Rogue a way to touch others.

I was damn magnanimous, wasn’t I??

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I might have some kind of opinion if I had an inkling who you were talking about.

😡Jaya: And this doesn’t even include how I finally showed Samuel Beckett the way home, or how I raced the Black Stallion across a sun-drenched beach, or how I was the only Herald to bond to a black Companion, or how I taught Luke Skywalker a thing or two about the Force, or how I showed Han Solo what a real pilot could do with the Millennium Falcon, or how I turned Darth Vader away from the Dark Side, or how I lived in the House of Thendara on Darkover, or how I was the first human to ever walk the Path to the Moon and be welcomed into the Court of the Outermost West with the Army of One Hundred and Five...

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: *Chortle* In whose world?

😡Jaya: I did everything!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You didn't kill Slender Man. You didn't even kill Voldemort.

😡Jaya: And what did she do?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I can guess.

😡Jaya: What did she do after all those wonderful years?

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Set you free to do whatever you please in whatever land characters hang out in when they're not being summoned by their authors. That's not a bad place, really.

😡Jaya: She forgot me, that’s what. Brushed me off. Tossed me aside. "Moved on" to a "grown-up character."

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: You could've grown up too, you know.

😡Jaya: So tell me...just what the hex is so not-grown-up about a demi-god-embodiment-of-unparralelled-cosmic-power-wielder-of-the-Force-occasionally-slightly-vampiric-lover-of-just-about-every-man-and-no-few-women-in-many-major-fandoms-and-a-handful-of-imaginary-worlds-universe-saving-never-older-than-eighteen-never-younger-than-sixteen-never-more-than-one-hundred-and-fifteen-pounds woman named Jaya, huh?? Answer me that!!!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: I don't have to. You just answered yourself all in the same question.

😡Jaya: But no...no no no...Jaya wasn’t good enough for her anymore. Instead there was this intruder...this most unwelcome guest who crowded her way in and gradually shoved me farther and farther into the background. Forget that I once negotiated world peace and caused all nuclear weapons to be melted into paperweights! Forget that I single-handedly held off an invasion of invisible body-snatchers from Pluto! Forget that I found my way into every single world/galaxy/dimension-crossing fantasy her child’s brain could dream up!

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: After all of that, I don't understand why you wouldn't appreciate a break.

😡Jaya: She set me aside.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Well, we can't work nonstop or get attention all the time.

😡Jaya: For this "Kai" woman.

🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: Heh. I really don't know what to say. It's not like I'm going to take sides between you and Kai.

😡Jaya: ...


🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: So, that's what a written out sulk looks like.

😡Jaya: Can’t you see the INJUSTICE?!?


🧝‍♀️Ocean Elf: That would be, no.


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