Highlights, with comments inserted from Ocean Elf, and occasionally from Ella Prue Shrew.
The comments are aimed mostly at Petruchio and his friends.
Petruchio - why I hate this character!
Go to highlights without the inserted comments.
Complete play in modern English.
by: William Shakespeare
Act 1
BAPTISTA ENTERS WITH HIS ELDER DAUGHTER, KATHERINE, THE YOUNGER DAUGHTER, BIANCA, AND TWO SUITORS TO BIANCA, AN OLD MAN NAMED GREMIO AND A YOUNGER MAN NAMED HORTENSIO.
BAPTISTA
Enough, gentlemen! You can’t influence me on this point. You know how I feel. I’m determined not to permit my younger daughter to marry until I have a husband for the elder one. I’ve long regarded you both as good friends. Therefore, if either of you is partial to Katherina, he shall have my permission to court her freely.
GREMIO
Cart her, you mean. She’s too much for me. How about you, Hortensio? Are you still interested in marrying?
KATHERINE
(to BAPTISTA) May I ask, sir, if it’s your intention to publicly humiliate me, showing me off like a whore in front of these suitors?
HORTENSIO
We’re not your suitors, that’s for sure! Not until you improve your temper, girl!
KATHERINE
Don’t worry, I couldn’t care less. The only possible interest I could take in you would be to hit you on the head with a stool, paint your face with blood, and make a fool out of you.
HORTENSIO
May the good Lord keep me safe from all women like her!
GREMIO
Me too, Lord!
OCEAN ELF
It isn't her you dweebs need to worry about.
TRANIO
(speaking so that only LUCENTIO can hear) Wow! This’ll be fun to watch! This girl is either completely crazy or incredibly willful.
LUCENTIO
(speaking so that only TRANIO can hear) But her sister seems quiet and well behaved, as a young girl should be. Shhh, Tranio.
TRANIO
(speaking so that only LUCENTIO can hear) Indeed, master. Let’s keep quiet and watch.
BAPTISTA
(to GREMIO and HORTENSIO) Gentlemen, since I’d like to make good on what I’ve said—Bianca, go inside. And don’t be unhappy, my dear. Whatever happens, you know I’ll never love you less.
KATHERINE
What a spoiled little brat. She’d make herself cry now, if she could think of a reason.
BIANCA
Sister, be happy in my unhappiness.—Sir, I will humbly obey you. I’ll take comfort in my books and music, reading and practicing my instruments.
LUCENTIO
Listen Tranio! That’s Minerva’s voice you hear.
OCEAN ELF
Get a grip. It's nothing but bad old sibling rivalry and Bianca is being a passive-aggressive little whiner.
HORTENSIO
Signior Baptista, will you really be this cruel? I regret that our goodwill should cause Bianca unhappiness.
OCEAN ELF
This whole arranged marriage system is utterly whacked, but that's beside the point for now, if this is how everybody just fawns over Bianca, I can actually see where that would cause Katherine's resentment. Only if that's how it started out, it has turned into a full blown I don't know what. Something really nasty.
GREMIO
Why are you locking her away because of this fiend from hell, Signor Baptista? Why does the one daughter have to be punished for the other’s mouth?
BAPTISTA
Gentlemen, I’ve made my decision. That’s all there is to it. Go inside, Bianca.
BIANCA EXITS.
And because I know how fond she is of music, playing her instruments, and poetry, I plan to hire live-in tutors for her. If either of you gentlemen knows anyone who would be suitable for the job, send him to me. I’ll pay well for good teachers. I don’t stint when it comes to educating my children. Goodbye, gentlemen. Katherina, you may stay. I have things to discuss with Bianca.
HE EXITS.
KATHERINE
Stay out here? I don’t think so! Am I to be dictated to, like a child? Told when to come and where to go? No.
SHE EXITS.
GREMIO
You can go straight to hell! What you have to offer is nothing anyone wants. Hortensio, our desire to be married isn’t so great that we can’t wait this out patiently. It’s tough on both of us, but I guess we’ll live. So long. But to prove my love for Bianca, I’m going to see if I can find a good tutor to give her lessons in the things she enjoys. If I do, I’ll send him to her father.
HORTENSIO
I’ll do the same. But wait—don’t go just yet, Signior Gremio. I know we’ve never exactly been allies, but it might be in both our interests, if you think about it, to put our heads together about one particular thing. That is, if we ever want to return to being rivals for Bianca’s love.
GREMIO
And that would be—?
HORTENSIO
To find a husband for her sister.
GREMIO
A husband? You mean a devil!
HORTENSIO
I mean a husband.
GREMIO
I say a devil. Do you really think there’s a man fool enough to marry into hell—however rich the father is?
OCEAN ELF
You both have that the wrong way around. It is Katherine who eventually marries into hell.
HORTENSIO
Oh, I don’t know. Just because we wouldn’t want to put up with her tantrums, that doesn’t mean there aren’t guys who would, if we could find them. Guys who’d take her with all her faults, provided there were enough money involved.
OCEAN ELF
Yeah, a guy who has nothing but fault and is a walking perpetual tantrum.
GREMIO
I don’t know. All I know is I’d rather endure a public whipping every morning than put up with her—even with a big dowry.
HORTENSIO
The two choices are about equal, it’s true. But come, since we must be friends in the face of this new obstacle, let’s work together to find a husband for Baptista’s elder daughter, and thus free his younger daughter to have a husband, too. Then we can go back to fighting with each other. Happy the man that claims you, sweet Bianca! And may the best man win. What do you say, Signior Gremio?
GREMIO
Agreed. This imaginary suitor for Katherina—I’d buy him the best horse in Padua if he’d get here quickly, woo her, marry her, take her to bed, and rid the house of her. Let’s go.
GREMIO AND HORTENSIO EXIT.
Act 2
KATHERINE AND BIANCA ENTER. BIANCA'S HANDS ARE TIED.
OCEAN ELF
How? Why? If I was Bianca, I would not have let someone tie my hands.
BIANCA
Dear sister, it’s unfair to me—and unfair to yourself—to turn me into a slave. That I won’t stand for. But if you want my things—untie my hands and I’ll give them to you myself, everything, even down to my slip. Or anything else you order me to do. I know I should obey my elders.
OCEAN ELF
Not to that extent, Bianca.
KATHERINE
What I want is for you to tell me which of your suitors you like best. And don’t lie.
OCEAN ELF
You're getting all bent out of shape over that? Katherine, who cares? You're not interested in any of them, remember?
BIANCA
I swear, dear sister, I have not yet encountered that special face I might prefer to any other.
KATHERINE
You lying brat. It’s Hortensio, isn’t it?
OCEAN ELF
Katherine, knock it off!
BIANCA
If you want him, dear sister, he’s yours. I swear I’ll woo him for you myself.
KATHERINE
Oh, I see. You’re more interested in money. You’ll live in luxury with Gremio.
OCEAN ELF
You're accusing the wrong person of that motive. Now stop being such a bully!
BIANCA
Is it because of him that you envy me? You must be kidding! And now I see that you’ve been joking all the while. Please, Kate, untie my hands.
KATHERINE STRIKES HER.
OCEAN ELF
Hey! Katherine! Enough, now grow up, and apologize while you're at it!
KATHERINE
If that’s a joke, I guess the rest was, too.
OCEAN ELF
See anyone laughing?
BAPTISTA ENTERS.
BAPTISTA
What in the world is going on! (to KATHERINE) Young lady, where do you get the nerve!—(to BIANCA) Get behind me, Bianca.—Poor girl, she’s hysterical!—Go do some sewing. Don’t even talk to her. (to KATHERINE) You monstrous, good-for-nothing fiend! Why would you want to hurt your sister? She never did you any harm! When has she spoken even one cross word to you?
OCEAN ELF
You should've stopped at simply 'monstrous fiend'.
KATHERINE
She mocks me with her silence, and I’ll get my revenge on her.
SHE RUNS AT BIANCA AS IF SHE’S GOING TO STRIKE HER.
BAPTISTA
What, in my presence? How dare you!—Bianca, go inside.
BIANCA EXITS.
KATHERINE
You mean you don’t even want to hear my side? Of course! She’s your treasure. She must have a husband and I must dance barefoot on her wedding day. You like her best and so I’ll die an old maid. Don’t talk to me. I’ll just go cry myself sick and think of some way to get back at all of you.
SHE EXITS.
OCEAN ELF ROLLS HER EYES
BAPTISTA
Has any man ever had to put up with what I do? Now what?
GREMIO ENTERS WITH LUCENTIO, DRESSED AS A POOR MAN; PETRUCHIO ENTERS WITH HORTENSIO, DISGUISED AS A MUSICIAN; TRANIO, DISGUISED AS LUCENTIO, ENTERS WITH BIONDELLO, WHO IS CARRYING A LUTE AND BOOKS.
OCEAN ELF SCOWLS AT PETRUCHIO.
GREMIO
Good morning, neighbor Baptista.
BAPTISTA
Good morning, neighbor Gremio. Greetings, gentlemen.
PETRUCHIO
And to you, good sir. Tell me, don’t you have a virtuous and lovely daughter named Katherina?
OCEAN ELF ROLLS HER EYES AT PETRUCHIO.
BAPTISTA
I have a daughter named Katherina, sir.
GREMIO
(to PETRUCHIO) You are too blunt. You’re supposed to work up to it.
PETRUCHIO
Please, Signior Gremio. Allow me to continue.—I am a gentleman of Verona, sir, who, hearing of your daughter’s beauty and wit, her friendly disposition and bashful modesty, her uncommon virtues and her mild behavior, have taken the liberty of presenting myself as a guest at your house in the hope of seeing for myself if what I’ve heard is true. And, as the price of admission for being received by you, I here present you with a servant of mine. (he presents HORTENSIO, disguised as LITIO). He is expert in the fields of music and mathematics. I thought he might instruct her in those branches of knowledge—of which she is, I gather, no beginner. Be good enough to accept this gift—I’ll be offended if you don’t. His name is Litio, and he comes from Mantua.
BAPTISTA
You and he are both welcome, sir. As for my daughter Katherine, this much I know: she’s not for you—more’s the pity.
PETRUCHIO
I see you don’t intend to part with her—or perhaps you don’t like my company.
OCEAN ELF
A sensible person would choose the latter.
BAPTISTA
Don’t misunderstand me, sir. I’m just stating the facts as I see them. Where are you from? What’s your name?
PETRUCHIO
My name is Petruchio, son of Antonio, a man well known throughout Italy.
OCEAN ELF
Because there's only one Antonio in all of Italy, yeah right.
BAPTISTA
I know him well. You are welcome for his sake.
OCEAN ELF
But not your own...
GREMIO
With all due respect, Petruchio, give someone else a chance to speak. You’re so aggressive!
OCEAN ELF
(laughing) That's an enormous understatement!
PETRUCHIO
Forgive me, Signior Gremio, but I’m anxious to get things moving.
OCEAN ELF
Then get the thing moving by moving your obnoxious swaggering self out and away from there. Problem solved!
A SERVANT ENTERS.
BAPTISTA
Boy, take these gentlemen to my daughters, and tell them both they are to be their teachers and to be courteous to them.
THE SERVANT EXITS WITH LUCENTIO AND HORTENSIO, FOLLOWED BY BIONDELLO.
Let’s take a little walk in the orchard before dinner. You are all most welcome here; please make yourselves at home.
PETRUCHIO
Signior Baptista, I’m actually in a bit of a hurry. I can’t make this wooing into a daily thing. You knew my father well; therefore, you know me, the sole heir to all his property and possessions, which I have added to rather than depleted. So, tell me, assuming I win your daughter’s love, what dowry would she bring to the marriage?
OCEAN ELF
(throws disgusted look at PETRUCHIO) Translation: "I can't wait five seconds for you to gimme da gal and most importantly da money!"
BAPTISTA
Twenty thousand crowns now, and half my lands after my death.
PETRUCHIO
Fair enough. And on my side, I’ll guarantee that if I die before she does, she shall inherit all my land and the rent from any property I own. Let’s have explicit contracts drawn up to ensure that both sides keep their promises.
BAPTISTA
Certainly, as soon as you’ve gotten the most important thing—her love. That counts for everything.
PETRUCHIO
Oh, that’s nothing, believe me, sir. I’m as commanding as she is proud, and when two raging fires meet, they end up consuming the very thing that kindled them. Blow on a fire and all you do is fan the flames. But a great gust of wind will blow the fire out completely. I’m that great gust to her fire. I’m rough, and I don’t woo like a little boy.
OCEAN ELF
No, you woo like a hippo.
BAPTISTA
Well, good luck! I hope you’re successful. But prepare yourself for some unpleasantness.
PETRUCHIO
I’ll be completely prepared. Mountains don’t tremble, however much the wind may blow!
OCEAN ELF
Volcanoes do a lot more than tremble, and any mountain close enough can get pounded and have bits broken off them by a stormy ocean. So look out, Truke, watch your back.
ENTER HORTENSIO AS LITIO, WITH HIS HEAD CUT AND BLEEDING
BAPTISTA
Gracious! Why so pale, my friend?
OCEAN ELF
Pale? That's worse than pale. What the heck happened?
HORTENSIO
(as LITIO) I would have to say from fear.
BAPTISTA
Will my daughter be a good musician, do you think?
OCEAN ELF
What? Really? He's got a cut head and this is all you ask?
HORTENSIO
I think she’ll be a better soldier. She may be good with firearms. Never lutes.
BAPTISTA
You don’t think you can teach her?
HORTENSIO
No, but she’s taught me a thing or two! All I said was that she was using the wrong frets and tried to adjust her fingering. And she jumps up and says, “Frets? I’ll give you frets!” With that, she clobbers me with the lute so that my head goes right through,
and there I am, dazed, strings around my neck, looking through the sound hole like I was in the stocks, while she calls me “worthless fiddler,” “twanging twerp,” and twenty more hateful names, as though she’d prepared for me by composing a long list of insults to use on my behalf.
OCEAN ELF
What I'd like to know is how in the world this girl got so ill-mannered and violent? Didn't anyone bother to teach her the basics of how to behave in society? Or was it attempted and failed? What is wrong with this girl?
PETRUCHIO
I like this girl! She has real character! Now I want her more than ever. I can’t wait to meet her!
OCEAN ELF
(scowling at PETRUCHIO) Of course you do. You can't resist a challenge in the form of another human being's will, it's all about money and power with you!
BAPTISTA
(to HORTENSIO, disguised as LITIO) All right, come with me. Don’t be discouraged. Continue your lessons with my younger daughter. She’s quick to learn and responsive. Signior Petruchio, will you come with us, or shall I send my daughter Kate to you?
PETRUCHIO
Please do.
EVERYONE BUT PETRUCHIO EXITS.
I’ll wait for her here and when she comes I’ll take a novel approach with her. If she rants, I’ll tell her that she sings as sweetly as a nightingale. If she glares, I’ll say her brow is as clear as roses newly washed with morning dew. If she is silent and won’t speak at all, I’ll praise her chattiness and say she speaks with piercing eloquence. If she orders me to go, I’ll thank her warmly as if she’d just offered to put me up for a week. If she refuses my proposal, I’ll tell her how much I’m looking forward to the announcement and the wedding. But here she comes. Here goes!
OCEAN ELF
Here goes a lot of unimpressive boasting and phoney baloney from your big mouth, Truke. You'll be telling her the sun is the moon too...
KATHERINE ENTERS.
Good morning, Kate, for I hear that’s what you’re called.
KATHERINE
Is that what you’ve heard? Then you’d better get your ears checked. I am called Katherine by those who have any business using my name.
PETRUCHIO
Liar. In fact, you’re called Kate, plain Kate—and pretty Kate, and sometimes Kate the shrew. But it’s definitely Kate—the prettiest Kate in the world, Katie, Kitty, Kat-woman, the Kate-ster—and so, Kate, here’s my pitch: that having heard your charming disposition praised—not to mention your beauty and your virtues, though none of them as richly as you deserve—I find myself driven to propose. I want you for my wife.
OCEAN ELF
(glares at PETRUCHIO) Cut the crap, you lying basilisk! If you really were a gentleman, you would respect her and call her Katherine, not just decide she should be called Kate!
KATHERINE
“Driven?” Really? Well, let whoever drove you here drive you back again. I had you figured for a piece of furniture.
OCEAN ELF LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS.
PETRUCHIO
What do you mean by “furniture”?
KATHERINE
A nice stool.
PETRUCHIO
You’re right, actually. Come sit on me.
OCEAN ELF HISSES AND SCOWLS AT PETRUCHIO.
KATHERINE
Asses are made for bearing, and so are you.
PETRUCHIO
Women are made for bearing, and so are you.
OCEAN ELF GIVES PETRUCHIO THE THUMBS DOWN.
KATHERINE
Not by the likes of you!
OCEAN ELF
Yeah, you tell him!
PETRUCHIO
Oh heavens, Kate, I wouldn’t think of burdening you. I know how light and carefree you are.
KATHERINE
Too light for a lout like you to catch—though no lighter than I should be.
PETRUCHIO
Should be? Maybe you should be the subject of some buzz!
KATHERINE
Buzz off, buzzard.
OCEAN ELF CHORTLES.
PETRUCHIO
If I’m a buzzard, you’re a turtledove.
KATHERINE
Only a buzzard would think so.
PETRUCHIO
Come, my little wasp—you’re too angry.
OCEAN ELF
(to PETRUCHIO) First she's a turtledove, then she's a wasp, you can't even make up your freaking stupid mind. - Oh, right, you think the sun is the moon too.
KATHERINE
If I’m a wasp, look out for my stinger.
PETRUCHIO
All I have to do is remove it.
OCEAN ELF
And half kill her in the process.
KATHERINE
True, if a fool such as yourself could find it.
PETRUCHIO
Everyone knows where a wasp wears its stinger. In its tail.
KATHERINE
No, in its tongue.
PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?
KATHERINE
Yours, if we’re talking about tales.
I’m leaving.
PETRUCHIO
You’re leaving with my tongue in your tail? No, come back, Kate. I’m too much of a gentleman.
OCEAN ELF GIVES PETRUCHIO A DISGUSTED GLARE.
KATHERINE
A gentleman? We’ll see about that!
SHE STRIKES HIM.
OCEAN ELF
(Claps and grins broadly at KATHERINE.) Yes! Now you picked the right time to hit the right person!
PETRUCHIO
I swear I’ll smack you if you hit me again.
OCEAN ELF
Then shut up, Truke!
KATHERINE
Not if you want to keep your arms! If you hit me, that proves you’re not a gentleman. And if you’re not a gentleman, you don’t have any arms.
OCEAN ELF
Huh? That last bit didn't make any sense, Katherine, but you are right, he is no gentleman.
PETRUCHIO
Are you a herald, Kate? Put me in your books!
KATHERINE
What is your crest? A coxcomb?
PETRUCHIO
I’ll give up my comb, if you’ll be my hen.
KATHERINE
Your cock is not for me. It has no fighting spirit.
PETRUCHIO
Oh, come on now, Kate. Don’t look so sour.
KATHERINE
That’s my way, when I see a crab-apple.
PETRUCHIO
There’s no crab-apple here, so don’t look sour.
KATHERINE
There is a crab-apple here.
PETRUCHIO
Show me.
KATHERINE
I would, if I had a mirror.
OCEAN ELF LAUGHS.
PETRUCHIO
What, you mean my face looks like a crab-apple?
OCEAN ELF
No, it looks dummer.
KATHERINE
What a clever child he is!
PETRUCHIO
You know, you’re right. I probably am too young for you.
KATHERINE
Maybe, but you’re wrinkled all the same.
PETRUCHIO
Oh, that’s with worry.
OCEAN ELF
Bull!
KATHERINE
Well, that doesn’t worry me.
PETRUCHIO
Listen, Kate! You won’t get away like that.
KATHERINE
Let me go. I’ll make you angry if I stay.
PETRUCHIO
No, not a bit. I find you quite gentle. I was told that you were violent, proud, and sullen. But now I see that people have been lying about you, for you are funny, playful, and beautifully behaved, not sharp-tongued, but as sweet as flowers in springtime. You haven’t got it in you to frown or look displeased or bite your lip as angry women do. You don’t take pleasure in bitter conversation. No, you entertain your suitors with mild and gentle conversation, quiet and pleasant. Why does the world report that Kate is lame?
The world’s a liar. Kate is as straight and slender as a hazel-twig, her hair as brown as hazelnut shells, and she herself sweeter than the kernels. Take a few steps—I want to see you walk. You don’t limp at all!
OCEAN ELF
What the heck does limping have to do with being angry, Truke?
KATHERINE
Get out of here, fool, and give orders to your servants, not me.
PETRUCHIO
Did Diana ever beautify a grove as much as Kate beautifies this room with her queenly movements? You be Diana, and let Diana be Kate. Then let Kate be the chaste one, while Diana plays with me.
OCEAN ELF
What gibberish! Truke, shut up!
KATHERINE
Where do you memorize all this smart talk?
OCEAN ELF
Oh, don't encourage him to shoot off his mouth even more.
PETRUCHIO
I make it up as I go. It’s born of my mother wit.
KATHERINE
A witty mother! Too bad about the son!
OCEAN ELF
(bursts out laughing) Good one, Katherine!
PETRUCHIO
Am I not wise?
KATHERINE
Enough to keep yourself warm.
OCEAN ELF
He can't help that, he's so full of hot air.
PETRUCHIO
Yes, I intend to keep myself warm, sweet Katherine—in your bed. So let’s cut to the chase: your father has consented for you to become my wife. Your dowry is agreed upon, and whether you like it or not, I will marry you. I tell you, I’m the man for you, Kate. I swear by this light, which shows me your beauty—the beauty that makes me love you—that you must be married to no man but me. I’m the man who was born to tame you and change you from a wildcat Kate into a Kate as gentle and domestic as other household Kates.
OCEAN ELF
Shut your big trap, Truke!
BAPTISTA, GREMIO, AND TRANIO ENTER.
Here comes your father. Don’t even think about refusing. I must and will have Katherine for my wife.
OCEAN ELF
You must have that tongue of yours silenced or at least subdued greatly, and that stupid smug-arse expression wiped off your face, Truke, and one day, it will happen!
BAPTISTA
Now, Signior Petruchio, how are you getting on with my daughter?
OCEAN ELF
Now Truke gets even more chance to lie his disgusting stink face off.
PETRUCHIO
Beautifully, sir, beautifully! It couldn’t go any other way.
BAPTISTA
Now, daughter Katherine? Are you down in the dumps?
KATHERINE
You have the nerve to call me daughter? Is this a father’s loving care—wanting to marry me off to a total madman, a worthless, irresponsible louse who thinks if he swears enough, he’ll get his way?
OCEAN ELF
I'd listen to her if I was you, old man.
PETRUCHIO
Sir, this is the truth: you and the rest—all the people who have ever talked about her—have all been wrong. If she seems fierce, it’s for a reason. She’s not obstinate but gentle as the dove, not high-strung but peaceful as the morning. She has the patience of a Griselda and the modesty of Rome’s Lucrece. In short, we’ve gotten along so well that Sunday is our wedding day.
KATHERINE
I’ll see you hanged on Sunday first!
OCEAN ELF
I'll be the hangman.
GREMIO
Listen to that Petruchio: she says she’ll see you hanged first.
TRANIO
Is this your idea of success? So much for our plan.
PETRUCHIO
Relax, gentlemen. I’ve made my choice. If she and I are happy, what’s it to you? When we were alone, we agreed that in public she would go on being unpleasant. I tell you, though, it’s incredible how much she loves me. Darling Kate! She hung about my neck, smothering me with kisses, making vow after vow. In this way, she won my heart lickety-split! You men are rank beginners! It’s amazing how even a timid wretch can tame the most dreadful shrew, if the two are left alone together. Give me your hand, Kate. I’m off to Venice to buy outfits for the wedding. Plan the feast, sir, and invite the guests. I want my Katherine decked out in the finest clothes.
OCEAN ELF
Bull crap! You know nothing of love, Truke, you're abusive, aggressive, an obnoxious, greedy, lying scumbag!
BAPTISTA
I don’t know what to say. Well, give me your hands.
God give you joy, Petruchio. Call it a match!
OCEAN ELF
You should wish him the opposite. Wait until you find out what he does to break her spirit.
GREMIO AND TRANIO
Amen to that! We’ll be your witnesses.
PETRUCHIO
Father, wife, friends—farewell! I’m off to Venice. Sunday is just around the corner. We will have rings and things and fancy dress! So kiss me, Kate. We’re to be married on Sunday.
OCEAN ELF
Fancy dress, well, trust you for that, Truke.
PETRUCHIO AND KATHERINE EXIT IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
GREMIO
Was there ever a match put together so quickly?
BAPTISTA
Truly, gentlemen, this is a chancy piece of business. I’ve made a risky investment.
OCEAN ELF
Not to mention endangering your daughter's life.
TRANIO
(speaking as LUCENTIO) Yes, but the item was just gathering dust. This way, you’ll either make a profit by it or lose it on the high seas.
OCEAN ELF SCOWLS AT TRANIO.
BAPTISTA
The only profit I seek is a peaceful match.
OCEAN ELF
It might appear peaceful to you, but looks can be very deceiving.
Act 3
Scene 2
BAPTISTA AND GREMIO ENTER, FOLLOWED BY TRANIO DISGUISED AS LUCENTIO, KATHERINE, BIANCA, LUCENTIO, AND SERVANTS.
BAPTISTA
(to TRANIO as LUCENTIO) Signior Lucentio, this is the day appointed for Katherine and Petruchio’s wedding, but there’s no sign of the groom. What will people say? To have the priest right here, ready to perform the marriage ceremony, and be missing a bridegroom! What do you think about our humiliation, Lucentio?
KATHERINE
The humiliation is all mine. You forced me to accept this man against my will, this fancy con artist who was in such a hurry to get engaged. He has no intention of marrying me. I knew it—I told you. The whole thing was a joke. He pretends to be this simple, backward guy, but it’s all a gag to amuse his witty friends. He goes around proposing to women—they set a date, he gets introduced around, they send out the invitations and make a public announcement, but he has no intention of going through with it. So now everyone will point at me and say, “Look, there goes the wife of that comedian Petruchio—if he could be bothered to marry the pathetic thing!”
TRANIO
(speaking as LUCENTIO) No, no, I assure you, Katherine—and you, too, Baptista—Petruchio means well, whatever circumstance prevents him from keeping his word. He’s rough-edged, but he’s a good man, and though he likes a joke, he’s not a liar.
OCEAN ELF
If you believe that claptrap, you're an idiot. Truke has been lying his face off. He has no good intentions, but for himself only, and he is no gentleman.
KATHERINE
Maybe, but I wish I’d never laid eyes on him.
SHE EXITS WEEPING, FOLLOWED BY BIANCA AND OTHERS.
BAPTISTA
Go, daughter. I cannot blame you now for weeping. An insult like this would try the patience of a saint, let alone a hot-tempered shrew like you!
OCEAN ELF
You should've stopped at saint. Your daughter didn't need you scolding her as well.
BIONDELLO ENTERS.
BIONDELLO
Master, master! I have news—old news such as you never heard before!
BAPTISTA
You say you have news that’s old? How can that be?
BIONDELLO
Well, is it not news that Petruchio’s coming?
OCEAN ELF
That would be bad news, dude.
BAPTISTA
Is he here?
BIONDELLO
Why, no, sir.
BAPTISTA
What then?
BIONDELLO
He is coming.
BAPTISTA
When will he be here?
BIONDELLO
When he stands where I am and sees you there.
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) So what’s the old news?
BIONDELLO
Well, Petruchio is coming in a new hat and an old vest, a pair of old pants turned inside out, unmatched boots that have been used as spittoons, one buckled, the other laced; a rusty old sword from the town armory with a broken hilt and no scabbard. He’s got on worn-out garters and is riding a swayback old horse with a moth-eaten saddle, stirrups from two different sets, a bad hip, swollen glands, lockjaw, leg ulcers, bedsores, arthritis, jaundice, a hernia, hives, worms, cancer, a mossy overbite, and post-nasal drip. He’s knock-kneed too. His bit’s lopsided and his cardboard bridle, which breaks when you pull on it, is taped in a few places. The saddle strap is made out of patchwork, and the strap that goes under his tail to keep the saddle in place is velvet, with the initials of some woman written in studs.
OCEAN ELF
Trust him to keep a sick horse lingering in misery that long and keep working it to death. Trust him to be too cheap to get good new riding gear. Trust him to arrive at his own wedding late, and in this idiotic state of dress.
BAPTISTA
Who comes with him?
BIONDELLO
Just his servant, sir—pretty much got up like the horse, with a linen stocking on one leg and a big woolen booty on the other, a pair of red and blue garters, and an old hat with something no one’s ever seen before where the feather should be. He’s dressed like a freak, a total freak, and not at all like a proper footman or a gentleman’s valet.
OCEAN ELF
Truke's idea, no doubt.
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) He must be in a strange mood to go in for this fashion—though from time to time he has been known to dress down.
OCEAN ELF
There's dressing down, and then there's dressing stupid. This is the latter.
BAPTISTA
I am glad he’s coming, however he’s dressed.
BIONDELLO
Why, sir, he’s not coming.
OCEAN ELF
Make up your mind. You said he was.
BAPTISTA
Didn’t you just say he was?
BIONDELLO
Who? Petruchio?
BAPTISTA
Yes, Petruchio.
BIONDELLO
No, I said his horse is coming, with him on its back.
OCEAN ELF ROLLS HER EYES AND GROANS WITH DISPLEASURE.
BAPTISTA
Well, that’s the same thing.
BIONDELLO
No, by Saint Jamy,
I’ll bet you a penny!
A man and his horse
Aren’t the same person—
Not that there’s much difference.
OCEAN ELF
Profundity attempt fail...
PETRUCHIO AND GRUMIO ENTER.
PETRUCHIO
Whoa! Where is everybody?
BAPTISTA
You are welcome, sir.
OCEAN ELF
(glaring at PETRUCHIO) Not by everybody.
PETRUCHIO
I don’t feel well.
OCEAN ELF
Maybe you finally caught something from your sick horse.
BAPTISTA
I don’t notice you limping.
OCEAN ELF
It's not his leg that's ill, it's his head.
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) And I would like it if you were a bit more formally dressed.
PETRUCHIO
Isn’t it better this way? But where is Kate? Where is my lovely bride? (to BAPTISTA) How is my father-in-law? Gentlemen, you seem displeased. What’s everyone staring at? You look as if you’d seen something unusual—a comet or something.
OCEAN ELF
Don't get me started.
BAPTISTA
Why, sir, you know this is your wedding day. First we were sad because we were afraid you wouldn’t come. Now we’re even sadder to see that you’ve come so unprepared. For heaven’s sake, take off that get-up. It’s a disgrace to a man of your social position and an insult to this solemn ceremony.
OCEAN ELF
(applauding) "Well said!
TRANIO
And tell us what extraordinary occurrence made you so late for your wedding and drove you to present yourself in an outfit that’s so—not typical of you.
OCEAN ELF
There's nothing typical about him except that he stinks.
PETRUCHIO
It’s a long story—and tough to listen to. It’s enough that I’m here according to my promise, though I will have to deviate from it to some extent—for reasons which, when I explain them later, you’ll understand completely. But where is Kate? We’re wasting time here. It’s getting late and time we were in church.
OCEAN ELF
(Glares at PETRUCHIO) Excuses excuses.
TRANIO
Don’t greet your bride in these disgraceful clothes. Go to my room and put on something of mine.
PETRUCHIO
Not me. I’ll see her like this.
OCEAN ELF
Because you want her and everybody else to know she was forced to marry a slob. It's all part of your so-called (coughing disdainfully) "taming" her... Your humiliation of her, thrashing her spirit into submission to you.
BAPTISTA
But surely you’re not planning to marry her in what you’re wearing!
PETRUCHIO
Yes, just like this. But enough talk. It’s me she’s marrying and not my clothes. Though I expect she’ll wear me out more quickly than I’ll wear out what I’m wearing—which will be good for her and even better for me! But what a fool I am to stand here chatting when I should bid good morning to my bride and seal the bargain with a loving kiss.
OCEAN ELF
Loving kiss my foot. You don't kiss, you just suck. Yeah, Truke, heard all about that, too.
PETRUCHIO AND GRUMIO EXIT.
TRANIO
He must be wearing this crazy outfit for some reason. I’ll try to persuade him to put on something more appropriate before going to the church, if it’s at all possible.
BAPTISTA
I’ll go too and make sure that happens.
OCEAN ELF
You'd have better luck teaching a spider to quack.
BAPTISTA, GREMIO, AND ATTENDANTS EXIT.
TRANIO
But sir, you need to get her father’s consent as well as her love. And to that end, as I explained to your worship, I’m looking for a man—any man, it doesn’t matter; we’ll suit him to our purpose—who can pretend to be your father, Vincentio. And he’ll guarantee the dowry—for even more money than I’ve promised on your behalf. This way, you’ll get your wish and marry sweet Bianca with her father’s consent and with the least possible hassle.
LUCENTIO
If my fellow schoolmaster weren’t keeping such a close watch on her, I’d think about eloping. Then it wouldn’t matter what anyone said—I’d keep what’s mine, whatever the rest of the world said.
TRANIO
Don’t worry, I’m looking into that too. I’m on top of the situation—monitoring it very closely. We’ll outwit them all—that old geezer, Gremio; the suspicious father, Minola; the prim musician lover, Litio—all for the sake of my master, Lucentio.
GREMIO ENTERS.
Signior Gremio, are you coming from the church?
GREMIO
As eagerly as I ever came from school.
TRANIO
(speaking as LUCENTIO) And will the bride and bridegroom be here soon?
GREMIO
Bridegroom? This guy is more like the groom who cleans the stable—a grumbling groom at that, as the poor girl is discovering.
OCEAN ELF
No surprise, there.
TRANIO
(speaking as LUCENTIO) You mean he’s worse than she is? That’s not possible!
OCEAN ELF
Oh yes, it is definitely possible.
GREMIO
No, he’s a devil—a devil, I tell you! An utter fiend.
TRANIO
(speaking as LUCENTIO) No, she’s a devil—a devil, I tell you. The devil’s grandmother.
GREMIO
Why, she’s a lamb, a dove, a child compared to him! Picture this: when the priest asked Katherine if she would have him, he answered, “Hell, yes!” and swore so loud that the priest drops the prayer book. Everyone froze, and as the priest stooped to pick it up again the lunatic bridegroom smacked him so hard that the priest and book went flying! Then he said, “Now pick them up—if anyone dares.”
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) What did the girl say when the priest got up?
GREMIO
She trembled and shook because he stamped and swore and carried on as though the vicar were trying to put something over on him. Finally, the ceremony done, he called for wine. “A health!” he shouted, like some sailor aboard ship, carousing with his mates after a storm. Then he chugs the wine and throws the dregs in the sexton’s face. Why? Because the fellow’s beard looked thin, he said, and it seemed to be asking him for the dregs while he was drinking. Next he slung his arm around the bride’s neck and kissed her with such a smack that when they parted the sound of their lips made the whole church echo. That was the limit for me. I got out of there as fast as I could. I know the rest of the crowd isn’t far behind me. It’s disgraceful! You never saw such a mockery of a marriage in your life!
MUSIC PLAYS
There go the minstrels. They’ve started up.
OCEAN ELF
That's what I meant when I said Petruchio sucks. He's an animal.
PETRUCHIO AND KATHERINE ENTER, WITH BIANCA, BAPTISTA, HORTENSIO, GRUMIO, AND MEMBERS OF THE WEDDING PROCESSION.
PETRUCHIO
Gentlemen and friends, thanks for bothering to come. I know you expected me to stay to dinner and have prepared a celebratory feast, but as it happens I’m called away. So let me say goodbye.
OCEAN ELF
Bull. You're not called away by anything but your own disgusting whims, Truke.
BAPTISTA
You’re not thinking of leaving tonight, surely?
PETRUCHIO
Not tonight—today. If you knew the reason, you’d understand and would urge me to go rather than stay. Good friends, I thank you all for coming to see me wed this patient, sweet, virtuous wife. Dine with my father and drink a health to me. I have to leave. Goodbye to you all.
OCEAN ELF
Shut your lying trap.
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) Please, stay till after dinner.
PETRUCHIO
Can’t do it.
OCEAN ELF
No, you just mean you won't do it...
GREMIO
As a favor to me?
OCEAN ELF
Truke doesn't do favours for anyone but himself.
PETRUCHIO
Nope.
OCEAN ELF
That's what he said, just nope...
KATHERINE
As a favor to me?
OCEAN ELF
I'm sure you've already figured out that you're the last one he would actually do any favours for, even if he calls it "love".
PETRUCHIO
I’m delighted.
OCEAN ELF
Oh sure, you're delighted to get on with your stupid "taming" project and call that a favour to her. I know how you operate.
KATHERINE
Delighted to stay?
OCEAN ELF SIGHS.
PETRUCHIO
Delighted to hear you ask so nicely, but I won’t stay in any case.
OCEAN ELF HISSES AT PETRUCHIO.
KATHERINE
Look, if you love me, stay.
OCEAN ELF
Oh Katherine, you know he doesn't and is beyond caring if your family thinks he does or not.
PETRUCHIO
Grumio, get me my horse.
OCEAN ELF
Because you haven't yet ridden the poor animal to its dying breath yet.
GRUMIO
Yes, sir, they’re ready. They’ve eaten themselves sick.
OCEAN ELF
The dreadful condition his horse is in was not caused by over-eating. So your outfit has more than one animal? Hope they aren't all so mistreated by your rotten master.
KATHERINE
All right, then, do what you like. I won’t leave today. Not tomorrow, either. I’ll leave when I’m good and ready. The door is open, sir. Feel free to use it. Go on, wear your boots out! As for me, I’ll leave when I like. If you’re this high-handed to start with, I can imagine how arrogant and arbitrary you’ll be as a husband.
OCEAN ELF
(smiles at Katherine) Exactly! I just wish the rest of your family would get some spine and back you up.
PETRUCHIO
Calm down, Kate. Please don’t be angry.
OCEAN ELF
(glaring at PETRUCHIO) "Calm down, Kate!" Calm down yourself, and stop calling her Kate! She has more right to be angry than you ever had, boy!
KATHERINE
I will be angry. What business is it of yours?—Father, be quiet. He’ll stay as long as I say.
OCEAN ELF
I'm afraid not, Katherine.
GREMIO
Okay, now it starts!
KATHERINE
Gentlemen, on to the bridal dinner. I see a woman may be made a fool of if she doesn’t have nerve enough to stand up for herself.
OCEAN ELF
That's true, but the biggest fools are anyone who ever believed a word out of Petruchio's mouth and let him be their friend, or arrange to marry you. You had no say in this, and your lying husband saw to that.
PETRUCHIO
They shall go in to the bridal dinner, Kate—they’re yours to command. Obey the bride, guests! Go to the banquet: revel, feast, and carouse! Drink yourselves silly toasting her virginity! Be wild and merry—or go to hell. But as for my bonny Kate, she must come with me. No, don’t puff out your chests and stamp and stare wonderingly. I will be master of what belongs to me. She is my property, one of my possessions—just like my house and everything in it, and my field, my barn, my horse, my ox, my donkey—anything of mine you care to name. Here she is; I dare you to touch her! I’ll sue anyone in Padua who tries to stand in my way, no matter how powerful he is.—Grumio, draw your sword! We are surrounded by thieves. Rescue your mistress! Prove yourself a man! Don’t be afraid, sweet girl, I won’t let them touch you. I’ll protect you, Kate, against a million of them.
OCEAN ELF
First, you tell everyone to obey her. Then, you are the one giving all the orders. Then you say she is your property. Then you act as if her own family and friends are thieves waiting to take her away from you. Then you say you will protect her from them. She needs to be protected from *YOU!*
PETRUCHIO, KATHERINE, AND GRUMIO EXIT.
BAPTISTA
No, let them go. They’re certainly a peaceful couple!
OCEAN ELF
That comment was either sarcastic or incredibly gullible.
GREMIO
If they hadn’t left soon, I would have died laughing.
OCEAN ELF
I would've laughed if Petruchio had died of his own hot air.
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) Of all the mad matches, this is by far the craziest.
LUCENTIO
(as CAMBIO) Mistress, what’s your opinion of your sister?
BIANCA
That since she’s mad herself, she’s married a madman.
OCEAN ELF
Fat lot you know about it, girly. That lying slob railroaded her into marrying him.
GREMIO
I guarantee you, Petruchio’s going to suffer from his Kate.
OCEAN ELF
You're wrong. It's the other way around.
BAPTISTA
Neighbors and friends, though we don’t have anyone for the bride and bridegroom’s places at the table, you know there’s nothing missing in the feast itself.
(to TRANIO) Lucentio, you shall assume the bridegroom’s place and let Bianca take her sister’s seat.
TRANIO
(as LUCENTIO) Shall sweet Bianca practice how to be a bride?
BAPTISTA
She shall, Lucentio. Come, gentlemen, let’s go in.
THEY ALL EXIT.
Act 4
Scene 1
GRUMIO ENTERS.
GRUMIO
To hell with all worn-out horses, all crazy masters, and all bad roads. Was a man ever beaten as much as me? Was a man ever as dirty as me? Was a man ever so tired? I have been sent on ahead to light a fire, and they are coming after to warm themselves. It’s a good thing I’m like a little pot and warm up quickly, or else my lips themselves would freeze and stick to my teeth, my tongue to the roof of my mouth, and my heart would freeze in my belly, before I managed to get thawed out. I’ll warm myself by blowing on the fire. A taller man than I would catch cold in weather like this. Hey! Curtis! Hello!
OCEAN ELF
Under normal circumstances, I'd think of you as a long-winded grumbler, but you are working for Truke, AKA the boss from hell, so I'll cut you some slack - for now.
CURTIS ENTERS.
CURTIS
Who calls so coldly?
GRUMIO
A piece of ice. Trust me, you could slide all the way from my shoulder to my heel taking no more of a running start than the distance between my head and my neck. Start the fire, good Curtis.
CURTIS
Are my master and his wife coming, Grumio?
GRUMIO
Yes, yes, Curtis, so hurry up and start the fire. Leave out the water.
CURTIS
Is she as fiery a shrew as they say?
GRUMIO
Well she was, good Curtis, before this frost. But you know how winter tames man, woman, and beast. And it’s tamed my old master and my new mistress and myself, my good colleague.
OCEAN ELF
Your "master" is so full of hot air and rotten rubbish that he could keep a forest fire burning and stinking throughout the dead of winter.
CURTIS
The fire is ready. So go on, tell me the news.
GRUMIO
I think I’m getting delirious. Where’s the cook? Is supper ready? Is the house fixed up, the floor covered, the cobwebs swept out of the corners, the servingmen in their new work clothes and the household servants each in his wedding suit? Are all the cups and glasses in their places, the tablecloths laid out—everything in order?
CURTIS
Everything’s ready. So tell me what’s been going on.
GRUMIO
Well, first of all, my horse is tired and my master and mistress have had a falling out.
CURTIS
How?
GRUMIO
From their saddles into the dirt—but that’s another story.
CURTIS
Well, let’s have it, Grumio.
GRUMIO
Lean forward.
CURTIS
Here.
GRUMIO
There!
GRUMIO STRIKES CURTIS.
OCEAN ELF
(scowls at GRUMIO) What the heck was that for? Did you catch rabies from your master?
CURTIS
This is to feel the news, not hear it.
GRUMIO
That’s what makes it “sensitive” news. I was just knocking to see if anyone was home. Now, I’ll begin: first, we came down a steep hill, my master riding behind my mistress—
CURTIS
Both on one horse?
GRUMIO
What’s the difference?
CURTIS
Well, the difference of a horse!
GRUMIO
Oh, tell it yourself if you’re so smart. It’s too bad. If you hadn’t made me angry, you would have heard all about how her horse fell with her under it, how swampy the place was, too, and how she was covered in mud, and how he left her like that, with the horse on top of her, and how he beat me because her horse stumbled, and how she waded through the dirt to pull him off me, and how he swore, how she prayed—this woman who never prayed before—and how I yelled, and how the horses ran away, and how her bridle broke, and how I lost my riding crop, and many other things worth telling, which now will all be lost to memory, and you’ll go to your grave ignorant.
OCEAN ELF
Wow Grumio, you say you won;'t tell him, and then you tell him everything that happened. So, Truke is such a gallant gentleman that he blames his bride and you for the horse stumbling, and just leaves her there, under the horse so he can get his jollies beating the crap out of you instead of trying to help her out. Yeah, he's a loser as well as a slob.
CURTIS
By the sound of it, he’s a bigger shrew than she is.
OCEAN ELF
And to call him a shrew is an insult to shrews.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
That is for sure!
OCEAN ELF
(comes back to find an extra line inserted that she didn't write and looks at the shrew lying on the table next to her( Hey, you!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Yes, Elf?
OCEAN ELF
I had no idea you would be paying attention to this, let alone contributing anything.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Oh Elf, you know curiosity nearly always kills this shrew. I couldn't resist looking when you were out of your chair. Then I saw the word "shrew" and that really got my interest up. Then I had to say something to your well-put comment. What is with these maniacs anyway?
OCEAN ELF
Tell you what, Prue, I need to take a break. You can read the file to see what it's all about.
GRUMIO
Yes—as you and the rest will find out as soon as he’s home. But why am I telling you this? Get them in here—Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip, Walter, Sugarsop, and the rest. Tell them to slick down their hair, brush their blue coats, and make sure their socks match. Have them click their heels together and don’t dare touch a hair of the master’s horse’s tail till they kiss their hands. Are they all ready?
OCEAN ELF
Why worry about matching socks when that slob isn't wearing matching anything?
CURTIS
They are.
GRUMIO
Get them in here.
CURTIS
(calling offstage) Hey! Does anyone hear me? Hey! You have to come and greet the master and face the new mistress.
OCEAN ELF
No, you have that backward. It's greet the new mistress and face the master.
GRUMIO
She already has a face.
OCEAN ELF GROANS.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
If you want to crack a joke, you'll have to do better. That was droll.
CURTIS
Yeah, so?
GRUMIO
You just said they had to face her.
CURTIS
I meant they had to give her credit.
GRUMIO
She’s not going to borrow money from them.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Is there a point to this weird conversation?
FOUR OR FIVE SERVANTS ENTER.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
I've caught up on everything, and pity these servants.
NATHANIEL
Welcome home, Grumio.
PHILIP
What’s up, Grumio?
JOSEPH
Hey, Grumio!
NICHOLAS
My man Grumio!
NATHANIEL
So what’s the story, old boy?
GRUMIO
Welcome yourself!—What’s up with you?—Hey to you!—So much for greetings. Now, my well-dressed friends, is everything ready and in order?
NATHANIEL
Everything’s ready. How soon will the master be here?
OCEAN ELF
Too soon...
GRUMIO
Any minute. Probably here already. So be careful, and don’t—God! Quiet, I hear him coming.
PETRUCHIO AND KATHERINE ENTER.
OCEAN ELF COUGHS.
PETRUCHIO
Where are those bastards? Where is the boy who’s supposed to help me get off my horse and take him to the stable? Where is Nathaniel? Where’s Gregory? Where’s Philip?
OCEAN ELF
You forgot a very important question - "Where's my brain?"
ELLA PRUE SHREW
And "Where are my manners?"
ALL SERVANTS
Here, here, sir! Here, sir!
PETRUCHIO
“Here, sir! Here, sir! Here, sir! Here, sir!” You stupid, unpolished dolts! I get no service, no respect, no attention! Where is the fool I sent on ahead?
OCEAN ELF
Listen to that racket. "Here, sir! Here, sir! Here, sir! Here, sir!" And he can't even get off a horse by himself. (To PETRUCHIO) You, sir, don't deserve respect or service and you've been demanding attention since the day you were born!
ELLA PRUE SHREW LAUGHS AT OCEAN ELF'S IRRITATED REACTION
GRUMIO
Here, sir, as foolish as ever.
PETRUCHIO
You unwashed farmworker! You bastard workhorse drudge! Didn’t I tell you to meet me outside and bring these morons with you?
OCEAN ELF
(Glares at PETRUCHIO) Oh, when I get a chance, you are gonna wish you never learned to talk!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
(backs away from OCEAN ELF) Uh-oh.
GRUMIO
Nathaniel’s coat was being fixed, sir. And one of Gabriel’s shoes had a broken heel. And Peter couldn’t find a matching hat. And Walter couldn’t get his dagger out of its sheath. Only Adam, Rafe, and Gregory were ready. The rest were just a mess—but such as they are, sir, they’re here to welcome you.
PETRUCHIO
Go, blockheads, go, and bring my supper to me.
OCEAN ELF
Shut it, loser!
THE SERVANTS EXIT.
PETRUCHIO
(singing) Where is the life I led until recently? Where are those—Sit down, Kate, make yourself at home.—Come on, come on, come on, come on.
OCEAN ELF
Cut that racket!
SERVANTS ENTER WITH SUPPER.
Did I say later? I said now!—Smile, Kate! Be happy.—Get my boots off, you apes! You idiots, now!
(singing) It was a friar in robes of gray, who walked along the road one day:—(a servant tries to take off PETRUCHIO’s boots) Stop, you moron! You’re twisting my foot! Take that, and see you do a better job with the other one. (he strikes the servant) Be happy, Kate!—Bring me some water! Where’s my spaniel Troilus? Hey boy, go tell my cousin Ferdinand to get in here.
A SERVANT EXITS.
You’ll love this guy, Kate—anyway, you’d better! Where are my slippers? Can we have some water please here?—
A SERVANT ENTERS WITH WATER.
Come and wash, Kate, make yourself at home. Son of a bitch, you spilled it! (he strikes the servant)
OCEAN ELF
"Kate, do this! You blockheads, do that!" And you call that singing? I know what you're doing, Truke, and you'll pay for it.
KATHERINE
Take it easy! Please! It was just an accident!
OCEAN ELF
You're right about that, but as usual, he's too high on his own stink to listen to anyone's sensible suggestions.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
I bet I know what he's doing. It's a psych-out mind game. The bungling booze-head is messing with Katherine's head. Ugh, the rotter!
PETRUCHIO
He’s a son of a bitch, a moron, a total jerk.—Come sit down, Kate, I know you must be hungry. Will you say grace, sweet Kate, or shall I?—What is this? Mutton?
OCEAN ELF
Knock it off, Truke, the only god you worship is yourself!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Good point.
FIRST SERVANT
Yes.
PETRUCHIO
Who brought it out here?
PETER
I did.
PETRUCHIO
It’s burnt. The whole thing is burnt. You bastards! Where is that moron of a cook? You devils! How dare you serve it to me this way! There, take it all back—plates, cups, the whole thing. (throws the meat and everything else around the stage) You careless blockheads and unwashed slaves! I heard that! I’ll deal with you in a minute.
SERVANTS EXIT.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
(eyes going wide, jaw dropping) This guy is out of his gord!
KATHERINE
Please, dear, calm down. The meat was fine if you wanted to eat it.
OCEAN ELF
You're right again, but he just doesn't want you to eat it...or anything.
PETRUCHIO
And I’m telling you it was burnt and dried out. I’m not allowed to eat overcooked meat. It gives me indigestion and that makes me irritable. Very, very irritable.Better for us to go hungry, since we’re both hotheaded, than for us to eat meat that’s been cooked too long. But don’t worry, tomorrow it will get straightened out. Tonight we’ll go without food.
Come, I’ll show you your bridal chamber.
THEY EXIT.
OCEAN ELF
Bull! Katherine said the meat was fine. She has eyes in her head. Overcooked meat does not cause irritability. Truke is naturally just bad-tempered. His condition is caused by his own swollen ego.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
(laughs) Preach it, Elf! I can't wait until you do get your hands on him.
SERVANTS ENTER FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE STAGE.
NATHANIEL
Peter, did you ever see anything like it?
PETER
He’s giving her a taste of her own medicine.
OCEAN ELF
Wrong. She never withheld food from anyone.
CURTIS ENTERS.
GRUMIO
Where is he?
OCEAN ELF
Stop being so concerned about him.
CURTIS
In her room, lecturing her on the virtues of self-control. He rants and rails and swears and she, poor thing, doesn’t know how to stand or look or speak. She sits like a person who’s just woken up from a dream. Look out, he’s coming!
THEY EXIT.
PETRUCHIO ENTERS.
OCEAN ELF
(sneering) Well, if it isn't Mr. Self-control!
ELLA PRUE SHREW BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AND STIFLES IT.
PETRUCHIO
Well, I’ve begun my reign with a carefully thought-out plan, and I have every hope of succeeding. My falcon is now hungry and unfed and must not be given enough to eat until she comes to me, for if her hunger is satisfied, she’ll pay no attention to the bait. I have another plan to make my bird come to me and recognize her owner’s call is to keep her from sleeping— the way trainers do with young hawks that flutter and flap and will not obey. She had no food today and will have none. Last night she got no sleep, and she won’t get any tonight. Just as I did with the meat, I’ll make up some problem with the way the bed is made, and throw the pillow one way and the cushion the other, and the blanket over here and the sheets over there. And through all the shouting and fuss, I’ll swear that it’s all out of love for her. The end result will be that she’ll sit up all night. And if she starts to drop off, I’ll rant and yell until I wake her up. This is how to kill a wife with kindness. And this way I’ll cure her wild and willful nature. If anyone here knows a better way to tame a shrew, speak up, please. It would be much appreciated.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
(looking appalled) Well aren't you a cruel and stupid man! You don't tame anything by being cruel and calling it kindness. I see why Elf hates you so much. Next, you can't tell a shrew from a bird. That's where stupidity comes in. Your wife, however unfortunate she is to be saddled with the likes of you, is not a bird or a shrew, she's a person. Get that through your thick skull!
OCEAN ELF
(to ELLA PRUE SHREW) You have that right, Prue, and I'm going to point out something else.
(to PETRUCHIO) You are, as usual, wrong about falconry as well. You don't tame a hawk or falcon by starving it and depriving it of sleep! You darken the shelter where you keep it, and limit the food intake so that it won't gain too much weight to lift off when it's ready to go after the bait. You do not deprive it of sleep, you let it rest. Making the process as stress-free as possible is how to tame a falcon. And there are some which won't eat when food is offered. Those birds are too stressed, even with the proper care and rest a real falconer gives, and so they get released back into the wild.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
PETRUCHIO EXITS.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Was it something we said?
Act IV, Scene 3
KATHERINE AND GRUMIO ENTER.
GRUMIO
No, no, I can’t, really. He’d kill me.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Why are they all so afraid of him when they could easily gang up and throw him out?
OCEAN ELF
They're afraid of getting in trouble with the law, and that's unfortunately what would happen to them if their lousy master met with some well-deserved punishment from them.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
That's hardly fair, is it?"
OCEAN ELF
It's a messed up, unfair system these people have going for themselves in this play.
KATHERINE
The more I suffer, the more spiteful he becomes. Did he marry me just to starve me? Beggars at my father’s door are given money as soon as they ask for it. And if they don’t find charity there, they find it someplace else. But I, who have never known how to beg and never had to beg, am starved for food, dizzy with lack of sleep, kept awake with curses and fed with brawling. And what irks me more than all these things put together is that he does it under the pretense of love—as though for me to eat or sleep would bring on fatal illness or sudden death. Please, go and get me something to eat. I don’t care what so long as it’s nutritious.
OCEAN ELF
Now you know why I hate Truke so much.
GRUMIO
What do you say to a calf’s foot?
KATHERINE
Oh, lovely. Can I have some?
GRUMIO
I’m afraid it will raise your blood pressure. What do you say to an ox stomach, nicely broiled?
OCEAN ELF
Yuck. Anyway, she should have her blood pressure raised, you numbskull! Lack of food will make it go way too low!
KATHERINE
I’d love it. Nice Grumio, bring me some.
GRUMIO
I don’t know. I’m afraid it will make you too hot, too. What do you say to a piece of beef with mustard?
OCEAN ELF
She's starving and you torment her with ideas and then tell her she can't have any - I hate you too!
KATHERINE
A favorite dish of mine.
GRUMIO
Yes, but the mustard is probably too hot.
KATHERINE
Well then, the beef without the mustard.
GRUMIO
Absolutely not. You’ll take the mustard or you’ll get no beef from Grumio.
OCEAN ELF GROWLS AND SEETHeS.
KATHERINE
Then both, or one, or anything you like.
GRUMIO
How about the mustard without the beef.
KATHERINE
Get out of here, you measly, lying wretch. (she beats him.) You feed me with only the names of foods. To hell with you and the whole pack of you who triumph at my misery. Go on, I said get out of here.
PETRUCHIO AND HORTENSIO ENTER WITH A DISH OF MEAT.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT THEM.
PETRUCHIO
How is my Kate? Feeling blue, darling?
OCEAN ELF
Well what do you expect, Truke? You freaking basilisk!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Whoa. It's official, Elf's on the warpath. You know you're in deep with her when she talks like that.
HORTENSIO
Mistress, how are you?
OCEAN ELF
You already covered that, you nimrod!
KATHERINE
Believe me, I’ve been better.
OCEAN ELF
Unfortunately, that's exactly what these scumbags want to hear.
PETRUCHIO
Cheer up. Give us a smile. Look, love, see how devoted I am? I’ve prepared a meal for you myself, and here it is. I am sure, sweet Kate, this kindness deserves thanks. What, not a word? I guess you don’t want it. Ah well, all my trouble was for nothing. Here, take away the dish.
OCEAN ELF
(murderous glare at PETRUCHIO( Don't tempt me to tear you to pieces and eat you myself!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
(Recoiling( You wouldn't really do that, would you, Elf?"
OCEAN ELF HISSES AND TREMBLES WITH RAGE, CONTINUING TO GLARE AT PETRUCHIO.
KATHERINE
Please, leave it here.
PETRUCHIO
The smallest service is repaid with thanks. Mine will be, too, before you touch the food.
OCEAN ELF
Practice what you preach, Truke! You didn't thank your own servants for any of their service! Hypocrite!
KATHERINE
Thank you, sir.
OCEAN ELF MUTTERS ANGRILY AND FUMES.
HORTENSIO
Shame on you, Petruchio! You are too harsh. Come, mistress Kate, I’ll join you.
OCEAN ELF
The heck you will. You're in this up to your eyeballs.
PETRUCHIO
(speaking so that only HORTENSIO can hear) Do me a favor and scarf it all down yourself, Hortensio.—May it do your gentle heart good, Kate. Eat up quickly, my honey lamb, we’re off to your father’s house to join in the revelry, where we’ll dress as well as the best of them, with silk robes and caps and golden rings, collars and cuffs and fancy frocks and things, with scarves and fans and two changes of clothes, amber bracelets, beads, and plenty of gewgaws. All finished? The tailor is waiting to deck you out in ruffled finery.
OCEAN ELF
More lies! Oh, wouldn't I love to put something in that blab-hole of Truke's and shut him up for good!
A TAILOR ENTERS.
PETRUCHIO
Come, tailor, let us see these ornaments.
Lay forth the gown.
Now, tailor, let’s see what you’ve got. Lay out the gown.
A HATMAKER ENTERS.
What can I do for you, sir?
HABERDASHER HATMAKER
Here is the cap your Worship ordered.
PETRUCHIO
Why, this was modeled on a porridge bowl! It’s a velvet dish! No, definitely not! It’s cheap and nasty! It’s like a cockleshell or a walnut shell, a joke, a prank, a doll’s cap. Take it away. Bring me a bigger one.
OCEAN ELF
Get your freaking eyes checked, Truke, there's nothing wrong with it!
KATHERINE
I won’t have one any bigger. This is the fashion. Gentlewomen are wearing caps like this right now.
PETRUCHIO
When you are gentle, you shall have one, too, and not till then.
OCEAN ELF
Cut the crap, Truke! You are no gentleman yourself, so you trying to gentle someone else down is a pathetic joke!
HORTENSIO
(to himself) That won’t be anytime soon.
OCEAN ELF
You idiot! You should be sniping about his behaviour, not hers.
KATHERINE
Sir, I think I have the right to speak, and speak I certainly will. I am not a child or an infant. Better men than you have heard me speak my mind, and if you can’t take it, then you’d better plug your ears. I’ll express my anger or die concealing it. And rather than have that happen, I’ll give myself permission to speak as freely as I like, whatever I may have to say.
OCEAN ELF
Unfortunately, you are more likely to die concealing it under the iron fist of this kidnapper.
PETRUCHIO
You know, you’re right. It’s a measly little cap, a dessert crust, a plaything, a silk pie. I love you all the more for not liking it.
OCEAN ELF
Stop using the word "love" it just doesn't have any association with you at all, Truke!
KATHERINE
I don’t care if you love me or not, I like the cap and I’ll have it or I won’t have any.
OCEAN ELF
Of course, dear old Truke is going to use this to his sick advantage too and make you go without one altogether.
HATMAKER EXITS.
PETRUCHIO
Now, your gown? Yes, yes. Come, tailor, show it to us. Merciful God! What sort of costume do we have here? What do you call this? A sleeve? It’s like a cannon.
What have you done? Carved it up and down like an apple tart? Snip and snip and cut and slash—it’s got more holes than a sieve! What in the world do you call this, tailor! OCEAN ELF
As usual, you blather on and on, lie after lie.
HORTENSIO
(to himself) I see she’s likely to have neither cap nor gown.
TAILOR
You told me to make it well and properly and in keeping with the current style.
PETRUCHIO
Certainly, I did. But if you remember, I didn’t tell you to parody the style. Go on home, sir. You’ve lost me as a customer. I won’t take it. Do whatever you want with it.
KATHERINE
I never saw a better-designed gown, more elegant and pleasing and well made. Perhaps you think you can make me into some sort of plaything?
PETRUCHIO
Yes, that’s it! The tailor thinks he can make you into some sort of plaything.
OCEAN ELF
You malicious, manipulative scoundrel! It is *you* not the tailor who wants to make the whole universe a plaything!
TAILOR
She says your Worship thinks you can make her into some sort of plaything.
PETRUCHIO
What monstrous arrogance! It’s a lie, you thread, you thimble, you measurement! You flea, you louse, you winter cricket! Disrespected in my own house by a spool of thread! Get out of here you rag, you remnant, you piece of yardage, or I’ll measure you within an inch of your life with your own yardstick, and you’ll remember your yammering for the rest of your life. I tell you, you’ve ruined her gown.
OCEAN ELF
You keep getting yourself in deeper with every word, Truke!
TAILOR
It’s not true. The gown was made just as my master was directed. Grumio gave the order for how it should be done.
GRUMIO
I gave him no order. I gave him the material.
OCEAN ELF
Good old Grumio, cowardly as usual...
TAILOR
But how did you want it made?
GRUMIO
With a needle and thread.
OCEAN ELF
Don't try going into comedy any time soon.
TAILOR
But didn’t you expect us to cut the cloth?
GRUMIO
You’ve faced many things, haven’t you?
TAILOR
I have.
GRUMIO
Well, don’t face off with me. You have bested many things, well don’t try and best me. I will not be faced or bested. I tell you I requested that your master cut out the gown, but I didn’t ask him to cut it all to pieces. Therefore, it follows you’re a liar.
OCEAN ELF
Wrong! You're a coward, and a servant to a liar and twice as big a coward as yourself!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Uh-oh, some ugly words flying around here.
TAILOR
Why, here is the order to prove it.
HE HOLDS UP A PIECE OF PAPER.
PETRUCHIO
Read it.
GRUMIO
The note is a big fat liar if it says I said so.
TAILOR
(reading) “Item one, a loose-bodied gown—”
GRUMIO
Master, if ever I said “ loose-bodied gown ,” sew me into the skirts of it and beat me to death with a bobbin of brown thread. I said “a gown.”
PETRUCHIO
Go on.
TAILOR
(he reads) “With a half-circle cape—”
GRUMIO
I admit the cape.
TAILOR
(he reads) “With a wide sleeve—”
GRUMIO
I admit two sleeves.
TAILOR
(he reads) “The sleeves carefully cut.”
PETRUCHIO
Ah, there’s the problem.
GRUMIO
Error in the bill, sir, error in the bill! I ordered that the sleeves be cut out and sewed up again, and I’ll prove it in combat even if your little finger is armed with your thimble.
TAILOR
What I say is true. And if this were a fitting place, I’d prove it.
GRUMIO
I am ready for you. You take the bill and I’ll take your yardstick. Do your worst!
HORTENSIO
God have mercy, Grumio! He won’t have a chance.
PETRUCHIO
Well, sir, the gown is not for me.
OCEAN ELF
No duh, Truke, it's for Katherine. But you wouldn't look any stupider in it than you did in that laughable outfit you wore on the day of your farce of a wedding!
GRUMIO
You are right, it’s for my mistress.
OCEAN ELF
Congrats for figuring that out!
PETRUCHIO
Go, take it away and let your master make whatever use of it he can.
GRUMIO
Certainly not! Take off my mistress' gown for your master’s use!
PETRUCHIO
Why, what’s the problem?
GRUMIO
Oh, sir, the problem goes far deeper than you realize. Take up my mistress' gown for his master’s use! Oh, that’s disgusting!
OCEAN ELF
Oh, but haven't you figured it out yet? Your master loves disgusting.
PETRUCHIO
(speaking so that only HORTENSIO can hear) Hortensio, tell the tailor you’ll make sure he gets paid. (to TAILOR) Take it away. Off you go. There’s no more to be said.
HORTENSIO
(speaking so that only TAILOR can hear) Tailor, I’ll pay you for the gown tomorrow. Don’t be offended at his angry words. Go on, then. Regards to your master.
TAILOR EXITS.
PETRUCHIO
Ah well, my Kate. We’ll go to your father’s house dressed as we are, in simple but honest clothes. Our purses shall be rich, our garments poor. After all, it’s the mind that enriches the body, and just as the sun shines through the darkest clouds, well, that’s how clearly honor peeps through even the humblest style of dress. I mean, is the jay more precious than the lark because his feather is more beautiful? Is the snake better than the eel because the pattern on his back pleases the eye?
Hardly, Kate. By the same token you are worth no less for your simple clothes and lack of finery. If you regard it as shameful, put the shame on me. So, let’s perk up! We’re off to eat and whoop it up at your father’s house.(to GRUMIO) Go, call my men so we can leave right away. And bring our horses to the end of Long Lane. We’ll walk there on foot and mount up there. Let’s see, I think it must be seven o'clock, so we should get there easily by lunchtime.
OCEAN ELF
More phoney baloney. "Honest clothes" worn by a liar.
KATHERINE
I hate to say it, but it’s almost two and we won’t get there before suppertime.
PETRUCHIO
It shall be seven o'clock before I get on my horse. Whatever I say, or think, or do, you’re continually contradicting it. Sirs, never mind. We won’t go today—or any day until it’s clear that it shall be whatever time I say it is.
OCEAN ELF
And one day it will be time for you to get your lumps, Truke.
HORTENSIO
(to himself) I see this fellow intends to command the sun.
OCEAN ELF
Yes, and rename it the moon, too.
THEY ALL EXIT.
Act 4
Scene 5
PETRUCHIO, KATHERINE AND HORTENSIO ENTER, ACCOMPANIED BY SERVANTS.
PETRUCHIO
Come, let’s continue on toward your father’s house. Good Lord, how bright and splendid is the moon tonight!
KATHERINE
The moon? You mean the sun! It is not nighttime now.
PETRUCHIO
I say it’s the moon that shines so bright.
KATHERINE
I know it’s the sun that shines so bright.
PETRUCHIO
Now, by my mother’s son, and that’s me, it will be moon or star or whatever I want before I’ll travel to your father’s house. (to servants) Go return our horses.— Constantly contradicted and contradicted, and nothing but contradicted!
HORTENSIO
(to KATHERINE) Say what he wants or we’ll never go.
KATHERINE
Since we’ve come this far, please—let’s continue on. And whatever it is—moon or sun or anything you like—if you want to call it a tea candle, that’s what it is as far as I’m concerned. From now on, I promise.
PETRUCHIO
I say it’s the moon.
KATHERINE
I know it’s the moon.
PETRUCHIO
Well, you’re a liar, then. It’s the blessed sun.
KATHERINE
Then God be praised, it is the blessed sun. But it is not the sun when you say it is not, and the moon changes according to your mind. Whatever you want to call a thing, that’s what it is—and that’s what it will always be for me.
HORTENSIO
Petruchio, do whatever you like. You’ve won.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT PETRUCHIO.
ELLA PRUE NARROWS HER EYES.
ELLA PRUE
That arrogant blow-hard needs to be reminded he does not run the universe. His mistreatment of Katherine is detestable! Mind-gaming piece of work, that!
OCEAN ELF
Now you know why I want to pummel the heck out of him.
PETRUCHIO
Well, onward, then. That’s how things should be—straight and smooth. But, hang on! I hear someone coming.
VINCENTIO ENTERS.
(to VINCENTIO) Good morning, young miss, where are you going?—Tell me, sweet Kate, and tell me truly, have you ever seen a young gentlewoman blooming more with health? The way the shades of white and red compete in her complexion. Which of the stars in heaven shine with such beauty as the two eyes that sparkle in that heavenly face? Fair lovely maid, once more good day to you.—Sweet Kate, embrace her for her beauty.
OCEAN ELF
Bull!
HORTENSIO
(speaking so that only the audience can hear) He will drive the man mad pretending he thinks he’s a woman.
KATHERINE
Young budding virgin, fair and pure and sweet, where are you off to? Or where do you live? Your parents are lucky to have such a lovely child. And luckier still is the man who gets to be your husband and share your bed.
ELLA PRUE
Eww!
OCEAN ELF
Ugh! I realize you're trying to submit to that man in order to survive, Katherine, but you don't have to indulge his craving for sex talk.
PETRUCHIO
Why, dear me, Kate! I hope you haven’t lost your mind. This is not a maiden, as you say, but an old man—wrinkled, faded, and withered.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT PETRUCHIO.
KATHERINE
Sir, pardon my imperfect eyes, which have been so blinded by the sun that everything I look at appears green. Now I can see that you’re an elderly gentleman. Do forgive me for my crazy error.
ELLA PRUE
Not your crazy error, his crazy ego trip.
PETRUCHIO
Do, good old grandfather, and while you’re at it, tell us which way you’re traveling. If we’re all headed in the same direction, we’d love your company.
OCEAN ELF
Shut it, Truke!
VINCENTIO
Well, sir, and you, witty lady, who gave me quite a turn with your strange talk, my name is Vincentio, my hometown Pisa, and I am traveling to Padua to visit a son of mine whom I haven’t seen in a long while.
OCEAN ELF SCOWLS.
Not just her "strange talk," you need to hold Truke responsible since he started that nonsense!
PETRUCHIO
What is his name?
VINCENTIO
Lucentio, sir.
PETRUCHIO
A fortunate coincidence—more fortunate for your son. I can now call you “father” in a legal sense, not just out of respect for your age. The sister of my wife, this lady here, is married to your son. And there’s no need for wonder or worry. His bride is well thought of, with a rich dowry and noble birth—a fit wife for any nobleman.
Let me embrace the father of Lucentio, and then we’ll journey on to see your son, who will rejoice at your arrival.
VINCENTIO
Is all this true? Or is this your way of livening up your travels—playing jokes on people you meet on the way?
OCEAN ELF
Right on the money! Truke is a prankster and much much worse.
HORTENSIO
I assure you, sir, it’s true.
PETRUCHIO
Look, come along with us and see the truth for yourself. Our earlier joke has made you understandably suspicious.
ELLA PRUE AND OCEAN ELF ROLL THEIR EYES.
EVERYONE BUT HORTENSIO EXITS.
HORTENSIO
Well, Petruchio, all this is very encouraging. I’ll visit my widow now, and if she proves difficult to manage, I’ll know how to make myself impossible.
HE EXITS.
OCEAN ELF
What a prized turkey! Whatever girl he's got his beady eye on is not his widow or else he would've been married to her, then dead.
Act 5
Scene 1
PETRUCHIO, KATHERINE, VINCENTIO AND GRUMIO ENTER, WITH ATTENDANTS.
PETRUCHIO
Here is the door, sir. This is Lucentio’s house. My father-in-law lives closer to the marketplace. That’s where I’m going now, so I’ll leave you here.
VINCENTIO
You must not go without having a drink first. I think I may presume to welcome you, and they’re probably preparing some kind of feast to welcome me.
HE KNOCKS.
GREMIO
They’re pretty busy in there. You’d better knock louder.
THE MERCHANT LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) Who’s that breaking down the door?
VINCENTIO
Is Signior Lucentio at home, sir?
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) Yes, he’s at home, but he can’t be disturbed.
VINCENTIO
What if a fellow were bringing him a couple of hundred pounds to toss around?
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) Keep your hundreds. He won’t need them as long as I’m living.
PETRUCHIO
(to VINCENTIO) I told you your son was popular in Padua. Hear that, sir? (to MERCHANT) Games aside, though, would you be good enough to tell Signior Lucentio that his father has arrived from Pisa and stands at the door waiting to speak with him?
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) You lie. His father is already in Padua. In fact, he’s standing right here looking out the window.
VINCENTIO
You’re his father?
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) Yes, sir—according to his mother, if I can believe her.
PETRUCHIO
(to VINCENTIO) What? Why this is out and out robbery! To appropriate another man’s name.
OCEAN ELF
Shut it, Truke, you could rob a whole room of normal life.
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) Arrest the wretch. I think he means to bamboozle someone in this city while pretending to be me.
BIONDELLO ENTERS.
BIONDELLO
(to himself) Well, I’ve seen them married. Good luck to them! Uh-oh. What’s this? It’s my master’s father, Vincentio! Now we’re in trouble. Everything’s ruined.
VINCENTIO
(to BIONDELLO) Come here, you scoundrel.
BIONDELLO
I believe I have some choice in the matter, sir.
VINCENTIO
Come here, you wretch! What, have you forgotten me?
BIONDELLO
Forgotten you! No, sir. I could not forget you, since I never saw you before in my life.
VINCENTIO
Despicable brute! Never seen your master’s father, Vincentio?
BIONDELLO
My honorable, reverend master? Yes, of course. There he is at the window.
VINCENTIO
Is that so?
HE BEATS BIONDELLO.
BIONDELLO
Help, help, help! This madman will murder me.
HE EXITS.
MERCHANT
(as VINCENTIO) Help, son! Help, Signior Baptista!
HE EXITS FROM ABOVE.
PETRUCHIO
What do you think, Kate, shall we hang back and see how this conflict finishes?
THEY DRAW BACK.
KATHERINE
Let’s follow them to see how this turns out.
OCEAN ELF FROWNS.
PETRUCHIO
First kiss me, Kate, and then we will.
OCEAN ELF SCOWLS AT PETRUCHIO.
KATHERINE
What, here in the middle of the street?
PETRUCHIO
Why not? Are you ashamed of me?
OCEAN ELF
If she isn't, she should be. You, Truke, are a great big barrel of shame.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Wow! What a knock-out comment! Well deserved, too.
KATHERINE
Certainly not! But I’m ashamed to kiss, sir.
OCEAN ELF
Which is exactly why Truke wants you to kiss him. Like I said, he's a huge barrel of shame. He gets off making people feel bad. It makes him feel powerful. He's a disgusting beast.
PETRUCHIO
All right then, back home we go. (to GRUMIO) Come, fellow, let’s be off.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT PETRUCHIO.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
If looks could kill, Petruchio would be dead in an instant.
KATHERINE
No, wait. I will kiss you. (kisses him) Now please, love, stay.
OCEAN ELF HISSES.
PETRUCHIO
Isn’t this good? Come, my sweet Kate. Better late than never—and it’s never too late to change.
OCEAN ELF
That's your goal, Truke, change her into a poor submissive to you, barely even a shell of the person she was. You are disgusting!
THEY EXIT.
Act 5
Scene 2
BAPTISTA, VINCENTIO, GREMIO, THE MERCHANT, LUCENTIO, BIANCA, PETRUCHIO, KATHERINE, HORTENSIO, WIDOW, TRANIO, BIONDELLO, AND GRUMIO ENTER, WITH THE SERVANTS BRINGING IN A BANQUET. EVERYONE STANDS AS LUCENTIO PROPOSES A TOAST.
LUCENTIO
Finally, at long last, we’ve reconciled our differences. Now is the time—when war is safely over—to laugh at past dangers and adventures. My fair Bianca, bid my father welcome, while I with equal affection welcome yours. Brother Petruchio, sister Katherina, and you, Hortensio, with your loving widow, you’ll find no better entertainment anywhere. All of you are welcome in my house. This last course here is for closing up the stomach after great feasting. Now everyone be seated, as this is the part where we sit and chat as well as eat.
PETRUCHIO
All we do is sit and sit and eat and eat.
OCEAN ELF
No, Truke, all YOU do is demand and whine and complain and prattle and brag and push people around!
BAPTISTA
Yes, Padua is famous for this pleasant life, Petruchio, my son.
OCEAN ELF
Which is exactly what Truke hates, pleasantness.
PETRUCHIO
Padua contains nothing that isn’t pleasant.
OCEAN ELF
It does now, Truke, you...
HORTENSIO
I wish that were true for both our sakes!
OCEAN ELF
Oh, poor lovelorn baby. Boo-hoo.
PETRUCHIO
Well what do you know! Hortensio fears his widow.
OCEAN ELF
You keep saying "widow" - oh, silly me, I forgot, this is you, Truke, who calls the sun the moon.
WIDOW
Me afraid of him? I don’t think so.
OCEAN ELF
Wait, you're not his widow, you must be someone else's, then.
PETRUCHIO
That’s very sensible, but you missed my sense: I meant Hortensio is afraid of you.
OCEAN ELF
Who cares? Just shut your prattling obnoxious trap for once!
WIDOW
He who is dizzy thinks the world is spinning.
PETRUCHIO
A very candid reply.
OCEAN ELF
And you just had to make that observation or curl up and die? I wish you'd do the latter.
KATHERINE
What’s that supposed to mean?
WIDOW
That’s what I conceive of him.
PETRUCHIO
Conceives by me? How does that sit with you, Hortensio?
OCEAN ELF
Shut up, Truke, your idiocy knows no bounds.
HORTENSIO
My widow means that her remark expressed the way she understood him.
OCEAN ELF
She's not your widow, you dumb schmuck!
PETRUCHIO
Nice save! Kiss him for that, good widow.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT PETRUCHIO.
OCEAN ELF
Oh, brother! First you demand Katherine kiss you, now you demand other people to kiss for your entertainment, oh, just die already!
KATHERINE
“He who is dizzy thinks the world is spinning”—please, tell me what you meant by that.
WIDOW
Your husband, being saddled with a shrew, projects his own suffering onto my husband. And now you know my meaning.
OCEAN ELF GLARES AT THE WIDOW
OCEAN ELF
YOU! Gah if you think Petruchio is suffering, you are profoundly cruel, or stupid, or both!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
And what's wrong with a shrew, ma'am?
OCEAN ELF (to ELLA PRUE) Nothing, if they were all like you.
KATHERINE
A very nasty meaning.
OCEAN ELF
Yes, because she is a very nasty woman to gush over your brute of a husband.
WIDOW
My meaning is nasty, for it’s you I mean.
OCEAN ELF
Lady, you are the nasty one...!
KATHERINE
And I am nasty when it comes to you.
OCEAN ELF
You have a right to be.
PETRUCHIO
You tell her, Kate!
OCEAN ELF (glares at PETRUCHIO but addresses the WIDOW) You see where feeling sorry for that pig-headed lout got you? He's a troll who just wants to watch people engage in a fight he started.
HORTENSIO
You tell her, widow!
OCEAN ELF
Shut up!
PETRUCHIO
I’ll bet you a hundred marks, my Kate puts her flat on her back.
OCEAN ELF
Truke! Shut your damn mouth!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Whoa! When Elf gets this angry, you better run.
HORTENSIO
Well, that’s really my job.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT HORTENSIO.
OCEAN ELF
YOU! Silence!
PETRUCHIO
Well said! Here’s to you!
HE DRINKS TO HORTENSIO
OCEAN ELF
Heads will roll if you don't shut your bloody freaking traps!
ELLA PRUE SHREW (to OCEAN ELF) I agree, these people are utterly abominable, but please, try to cool it - you're making me nervous.
BAPTISTA
What do you think of these quick-witted folks, Gremio?
GREMIO
They certainly do like to butt heads!
OCEAN ELF
They stink!
ELLA PRUE SHREW LAUGHS.
BIANCA
A clever person would say their butting heads had horns on them.
OCEAN ELF
Well yeah, Truke has them, they just aren't visible.
ELLA PRUE SHREW BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.
VINCENTIO
Ah, our bride has woken up!
OCEAN ELF
What do you mean. She didn't marry the lot of you.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Oh, stop, you're giving me the giggles!
BIANCA
Yes, but not out of fear. I’ll go back to sleep now.
PETRUCHIO
No, you shall not. Since you chimed in, let’s see if we can trade a caustic joke or two.
OCEAN ELF GLARES DAGGERS AT PETRUCHIO.
BIANCA
Am I the bird you’re going to shoot at now? I’ll move my bush, so you’ll have to aim at a moving target. Thank you all for coming.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Well said, Bianca!
BIANCA, KATHERINE AND WIDOW EXIT.
OCEAN ELF
Keep on going, girls, and don't look back.
PETRUCHIO
Well, she got away. Signior Tranio, you also took aim at that bird, though you didn’t hit her.—So here’s a health to all who’ve shot and missed.
OCEAN ELF
When I shoot you, Truke, you won't be requiring any more drinks.
TRANIO
Oh well, sir, I was really just like a greyhound that Lucentio let off the leash: I did the running, but the catch was his.
OCEAN ELF
Gag me with a spoon.
PETRUCHIO
A witty if a cynical reply.
OCEAN ELF
No, just a droll analogy.
TRANIO
It’s good you hunted for yourself, sir. It’s rumored that your deer holds you at bay.
OCEAN ELF
Get your crap straight! You bungling mooks can't even decide if she's a bird or a deer.
BAPTISTA
Oh-ho, Petruchio! Tranio got you that time.
LUCENTIO
I thank you for that quip, good Tranio.
OCEAN ELF
Shut up.
HORTENSIO
Fess up, fess up, didn’t that one strike home?
PETRUCHIO
He’s made me a little sore, I’ll admit. But since the gibe glanced off me, ten to one it hit you both straight on.
OCEAN ELF (sneering) Oh, dearie me, Peturkeyo's got his pride wounded and his poor little fee-fees hurt.
ELLA PRUE SHREW (laughing hard) "Peturkeyo"... When you have it in for someone, Ocean, you don't fool around.
BAPTISTA
Seriously, though, son Petruchio, I think you have the most thoroughgoing shrew of us all.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
No, she's scared to death, scared and confused.
PETRUCHIO
Well, I disagree. But why not put it to the test? Let’s each one send for his wife. Whichever’s is most obedient and comes most readily shall win the bet that we’ll propose.
OCEAN ELF
Because everything's a stupid contest and everybody was born just to serve as the but of your stupid jokes and entertain you, Truke, oh, just shut up and go away, you swell-headed man-baby!
HORTENSIO
Agreed. What’s the bet?
OCEAN ELF HISSES.
LUCENTIO
Twenty crowns.
OCEAN ELF
Twenty crownings...What a great idea.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Go get 'em, Elf!
PETRUCHIO
Twenty crowns? That’s a bet I’d make on my hawk or my hound. I’d wager twenty times as much on my wife.
OCEAN ELF
The problem with you and your dumb pals here is that you're all too stupid to realize that your wives are not extensions of yourselves or your property. You lackwits don't have the heart or brain power to be real men and stand up for your wives and support them when somebody else mistreats them. All you can see is bets, winning and losing, and you have them trapped in your sad world of ultra-competition. You spineless, selfish cowards!
LUCENTIO
A hundred then.
HORTENSIO
Agreed.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
How about just saving your money and calling it all off? On the other hand, if you all go broke, it would serve you right.
OCEAN ELF
There's just one problem with that - somebody, probably Truke, would end up with all the winnings.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Oh, that's true too, hadn't thought of that. Well maybe he could be goaded into betting on something else, then lose his money.
OCEAN ELF GRINS AND CHUCKLES MALEVOLENTLY
ELLA PRUE SHREW (gives OCEAN ELF) a knowing look) Uh-oh, there's that "I have an idea" look.
PETRUCHIO
Good! It’s a bet.
OCEAN ELF
Oh, the stupidity!
HORTENSIO
Who should begin?
OCEAN ELF
Nobody. Just knock it off!
LUCENTIO
I will. Biondello, go and tell your mistress to come to me.
BIONDELLO
Here I go.
HE EXITS.
BAPTISTA
Son, I’ll stake you half that Bianca comes.
OCEAN ELF SCOWLS
LUCENTIO
I’ll have no halves. I’ll shoulder the whole bet
BIONDELLO ENTERS.
Well, what happened
BIONDELLO
Sir, my mistress sends you word that she is busy and cannot come.
OCEAN ELF
She should get busy and file for divorce.
PETRUCHIO
What! “She’s busy and cannot come!” Is that an answer?
OCEAN ELF
Yes, you stupid boy, that is an answer! What did you think it was, a question? Idiot!
GREMIO
Yes, and a nice one at that. Pray God your wife doesn’t send you a worse one.
OCEAN ELF
If you had any idea what went on with Truke lately, you would know better than think Katherine would even dare to breathe without his damn permission.
ELLA PRUE SHUDDERS AND BACKS AWAY FROM OCEAN ELF.
PETRUCHIO
I’m hoping for better.
OCEAN ELF
And I am just waiting to dash all of your hopes.
HORTENSIO
You there, Biondello, go and request that my wife come to me straight away.
BIONDELLO EXITS.
OCEAN ELF GLOWERS AT HORTENSIO.
PETRUCHIO
Oh-ho, he requests! Why, then she’ll have to come.
OCEAN ELF (gives PETRUCHIO the death stare) No, you bumbling clod! Requests can be denied!
HORTENSIO
I rather think, sir, that yours will not grant a request in any case.
OCEAN ELF
Don't strain yourself. Your brain can barely manage the basics of keeping you alive without being overtaxed by trying to think.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Ouch! What zingers! (laughs)
BIONDELLO ENTERS.
So, where’s my wife?
OCEAN ELF
She's at where she was the last time she left your sight, and that's what, five minutes ago? Shut up!
BIONDELLO
She says she thinks this is a prank. She will not come. She says that you should come to her.
OCEAN ELF
She is right.
PETRUCHIO
Worse and worse! She will not come! It’s vile, intolerable, not to be endured!—You there, Grumio, go to your mistress. Say that I command her to come to me.
GRUMIO EXITS.
OCEAN ELF DEATH-STARES PETRUCHIO.
OCEAN ELF
You are not a victim, Truke, and your orders should all be broken!
HORTENSIO
I can guess her answer.
OCEAN ELF
Shut up!
PETRUCHIO
What?
HORTENSIO
She will not.
OCEAN ELF
You took part in Truke's cruelty, so if you think she won't come, you're an idiot.
PETRUCHIO
The worse for me, no doubt about it.
OCEAN ELF
Just wait until this is all over and I catch you alone, Truke, you will experience trouble beyond your tiny imagination.
ELLA PRUE
Uh-oh! Elf is officially on the warpath.
KATHERINE ENTERS.
OCEAN ELF GROANS AND HISSES WITH DISPLEASURE.
BAPTISTA
By all that’s holy, here comes Katherina!
OCEAN ELF
Well just what is her name exactly? Katherine, or Katherina? She says her hand is Katherine, but this is at least the second time you called your own daughter by a long name. Can't you make up your mind?
KATHERINE
You sent for me, sir? Is there something you’d like me to do for you?
OCEAN ELF SEETHES
PETRUCHIO
Where are your sister and Hortensio’s wife?
OCEAN ELF
Shut up!
KATHERINE
They sit chatting by the parlor fire.
OCEAN ELF
Which is exactly what they should be doing.
PETRUCHIO
Go bring them here. If they refuse to come, get physical—use a whip if you have to, but get them out here to their husbands. Go on, I said. Bring them here straight away.
KATHERINE EXITS.
OCEAN ELF
Oh, I would have no problem giving you a whipping, Truke!
LUCENTIO
This is a miracle, if you talk of miracles.
OCEAN ELF
(glares at LUCENTIO) Not a miracle, you dumbass! It's called abuse! If you could have been Katherine, you'd realize that!
HORTENSIO
It is. I wonder what it means.
OCEAN ELF
Wrong! And what it means is that - oh never mind, you should know since you participated...but, you're stupid...!
PETRUCHIO
I’ll tell you what it means. It means peace and love and a quiet life, supremacy based on reverence and profound respect, and—not to go on and on about it—everything that’s sweet and happy.
OCEAN ELF
Wrong, Truke, there is nothing peace and quiet about you, it is not a happy life for her. All you care about is your own happiness, and you get your highs forcing people, especially her, to show what you call 'respect' and 'reverence' out of fear of your abuse and punishments! You do not deserve reverence or respect, and you know nothing of love!
BAPTISTA
May good fortune come to you, good Petruchio! You’ve won the wager, and I will add twenty thousand crowns to what they owe you. Another dowry for another wife, for, truly, she is so transformed she’s like a completely new woman.
OCEAN ELF
You are responsible for allowing your own daughter to get abused until she became merely a shell, not a 'new woman' at the hands of this monster! That you reward this abuser makes me sick!
PETRUCHIO
Wait, I will win the wager more spectacularly, going even further to demonstrate her obedience, her newly created virtue and obedience.
OCEAN ELF
Not virtue! Fear!
KATHERINE ENTERS WITH BIANCA AND WIDOW.
PETRUCHIO
Look, here she comes, with your ungovernable wives in tow, like prisoners of her womanly persuasion.—Katherine, that cap of yours doesn’t look good on you. Take it off and throw it on the ground.
OCEAN ELF
Wives are not to be 'governed' Truke, and you look like a slob!
WIDOW
Lord, may I never see a day of trouble until the day I let someone treat me like that.
OCEAN ELF
Now you see what a monster Truke is...
BIANCA
For shame! What kind of loyalty is this?
OCEAN ELF
Truke is loyal to one person only, himself. He is in love with himself. He worships himself as some kind of god.
LUCENTIO
I wish your loyalty were as foolish. The wisdom of your loyalty, fair Bianca, has cost me a hundred crowns since dinner.
OCEAN ELF
Stop whining. You could've simply told Truke he was stupid and refuse to bet.
BIANCA
The more fool you for betting on my loyalty.
OCEAN ELF (applauds) Here, here!
PETRUCHIO
Katherine, I’d like you to lecture these headstrong women on the nature of the loyalty they owe their lords and husbands.
OCEAN ELF
There's one of your many follies, Truke! You are not her lord! You are a mere husband! You deserve no loyalty, no respect, you should be cast down into the dirt!
WIDOW
You must be joking. There will be no lecture.
OCEAN ELF
There shouldn't be, but Katherin is in this terrible situation not of her own making, where she has to do anything just to stave off more abuse from that blundering blow-hard knot-head of a husband!
PETRUCHIO
Do it, I say. You can begin with her.
OCEAN ELF
Shut your kisser, Truke!
WIDOW
She shall not.
OCEAN ELF
You don't know her situation.
PETRUCHIO
I say she shall.—And first begin with her.
OCEAN ELF
And I say to you, Truke, shut your damn stupid trap!
KATHERINE
Girls, girls! Wipe those frowns off your faces and stop rolling your eyes.
OCEAN ELF
No!
KATHERINE
This disrespectful stance toward the man who is your lord, your king, your governor tarnishes your beauty the way the frosts of winter blights the land.
OCEAN ELF
I realize you have to spout this odious malarkey in order to stave off more starvation and being yelled at and forced upon by that brute of a husband, Katherine, but I will interject my comments anyway.
Beauty is not a woman's purpose, and it is way over-rated.
Winter does not tarnish the land, it actually makes it look very pretty while everything goes dormant, preparing for a new season of growth. While you are saddled with Petruchio, you will get no more figurative spring time in your life. You have to get out from under his cruel thumb. He is not your lord or king, he is your captor.
KATHERINE
It mars your reputations as whirlwinds shake fair buds.
OCEAN ELF
Dead wrong! It puts swell-headed people in their place, taking the bullies down several notches.
KATHERINE
And in no sense is it fitting or attractive.
OCEAN ELF
In some sense, yes, it is fitting, and satisfying. Forget attractive, that means zilch.
KATHERINE
An angry woman is like an agitated fountain—muddy, unpleasant, lacking in beauty.
OCEAN ELF
An egotistical, brutish man is like an agitated fountain—muddy, unpleasant, lacking in beauty and appeal. Such is Petruchio.
KATHERINE
And in this condition, no one—however dry or thirsty he may be—will stoop to sip or touch one drop of it.
OCEAN ELF
Unless forced to do so. Such is your case. You didn't want to marry that boasting, sloppy pig, he forced you into it by conniving everyone around you with lies.
KATHERINE
Your husband is your lord, your life, your keeper, your head, your sovereign,
OCEAN ELF
Wrong! He is merely a husband. He is not your keeper unless you are also his, and he is certainly not your lord! You are not his property.
KATHERINE
one who cares for you
OCEAN ELF
Oh, right, Petruchio cares for you so much that he starved you, deprived you of sleep, played with your head and messed you up so bad that you got turned into this poor simpering shivering thing that dares to do nothing without his express permission. That is not caring, that's torture.
KATHERINE
and who, for your ease and comfort, commits his body to harsh labor both on land and sea.
OCEAN ELF
None of which has Petruchio ever done for you. He committed your body to harsh labor via starvation, lack of sleep, perpetual fear and confusion, all the while, he laughed it up like the sadistic brute he is. Any husbands you talk about sacrificing their comfort for their wives must be those you either knew of or just read about.
KATHERINE
Long, stormy nights at seas he stays awake, by day he endures cold while you lie safe and warm, secure in your beds at home.
OCEAN ELF
All of this does not apply to you and Petruchio. Maybe you think these other women have it far better than you. You might be right, or you might not. It won't do to wish you had it that way, Petruchio will never provide you with a warm, secure anything. You have to escape his tyranny, and that is why I'm here.
KATHERINE
And in exchange he seeks no more from you but love, kind looks, and true obedience—too little payment for so great a debt.
OCEAN ELF
Wrong! Your husband demands obedience, which has nothing to do with love. You do not owe him a thing. He owes you and everyone else for all the lies he told, and the money he robbed in his crazy betting schemes. He owes you a life without him in it.
KATHERINE
A woman owes her husband the same loyalty a subject owes his king.
OCEAN ELF
Wrong! She only owes him the same things he owes her. He is not a king, she is not a subject.
KATHERINE
And when she is peevish and perverse,
OCEAN ELF
Petruchio is peevish and perverse...!
KATHERINE
sullen, sour, and disobedient to his honest wishes,
OCEAN ELF
The only thing honest about Petruchio is that he is a swaggering slob, a ruthless posting brute, a tyrant, an unfit man for any sort of relationship, and he deserves to be met with a wall of sullenness, sourness, and any sort of trouble the world can throw at him. His only "honest wish" is for the universe to kneel before him and worship him as a god or at the very least, a king.
KATHERINE
what is she but a loathsome, warlike rebel and an ungrateful traitor to her loving lord?
OCEAN ELF
what is Petruchio but a loathsome, warlike rebel and an ungrateful traitor to his friends and any family he marries into, and most of all, toward you, Katherine. He is not your lord, and is anything but loving...!
KATHERINE
I am ashamed that women are so foolish as to declare war when they should plead on their knees for peace,
OCEAN ELF
Again, I realize you are only saying what you can think of in order to avoid your husband's wrath; but you should be ashamed of him for his brutal nature when he should be on his knees, pleading for peace.
KATHERINE
that they seek authority, supremacy, and power
OCEAN ELF
Which is exactly what Petruchio has been doing ever since he was born. You should be ashamed of him.
KATHERINE
when they are under an obligation to serve, love, and obey.
OCEAN ELF
No, they are not! But your husband is now under an obligation to apologize for all his lies, admit he is a poor excuse of a man, that he did not marry you out of love, but as a conquest and a means of gaining more wealth. Then he should do the only decent thing and release you and slink away with his tail between his legs.
KATHERINE
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth, unfit for toil and trouble in the world, if not so that our soft qualities and our hearts should agree with our external parts?
OCEAN ELF
Bull! When it comes down to it, that is how humans are made. We do not have exoskeletons like bugs, or shells like turtles. Humans all have soft bodies with flesh and bone beneath. But that has nothing to do with your personality. Some women like, or have, to do what you might consider toil, some men do not, or cannot.
KATHERINE
Come, come, you weak, ungovernable worms!
OCEAN ELF
You just contradicted yourself. If they will not allow themselves to be dominated by their husbands, they are certainly not weak, much less worms. Your husband, Petruchio, on the other hand, is a snake.
KATHERINE
My spirit has been as proud as each of yours, my courage as great, and my reason perhaps even better suited to bandy words back and forth and exchange frown for frown.
OCEAN ELF
You were disagreeable before, and if your father did not have such a silly requirement that you should be married off first, maybe things would've turned out much better and your brave, strong and somewhat misguided spirit would not have been utterly shattered by Toxic Truke.
KATHERINE
But now I see our weapons are like straws, our strength like a straw’s weakness, and our weakness past comparison,
OCEAN ELF
You are aware that you are caught in a loveless marriage with a bully you did not ask for and do not love.
KATHERINE
so that we seem to be the thing we most are not.
OCEAN ELF
You are a broken woman, Katherine. Not all of us are, and once your bully is unable to control you, if you ever want to marry again, marry someone you love and who loves you and is a real husband, not a bullying sham of a "king".
KATHERINE
Humble your pride, then, since it’s useless,
OCEAN ELF
Your situation with Petruchio is useless. Your pride has been broken, but it was never useless when faced with that greedy, lying, perverse, boasting, over-grown slob of a man-baby, a disgrace to humanity.
His pride is useless, and it will be broken. Pride goes before a fall, and his will as yours did.
KATHERINE
and place your hand beneath your husband’s foot. As a gesture of my loyalty, my hand is ready if he cares to use it. May it bring him comfort.
OCEAN ELF
I'm going to be sick.
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Yuck! That was horrible!
PETRUCHIO
There, that’s my girl! Come on and kiss me, Kate.
OCEAN ELF
Shut it, Truke!
LUCENTIO
Congratulations, old pal, you’ve won the bet.
OCEAN ELF
Shut - up!
VINCENTIO
It’s nice to see children playing well together.
OCEAN ELF
If they were children, you could separate them and tell them the game is over, and stop the bully from his bad behavior.
LUCENTIO
But not so nice when women misbehave.
OCEAN ELF
Not so nice when men misbehave either!
PETRUCHIO
Come, Kate, let’s go to bed. We three are married, but you two are defeated. (to LUCENTIO) I was the one who won the wager, though you hit the white. And as the winner here I say good night.
OCEAN ELF
Good riddance, Trepukio!
PETRUCHIO AND KATHERINE EXIT.
HORTENSIO
Well, congratulations. You’ve tamed a terrible shrew.
OCEAN ELF
Shut up! Congratulating him for abuse, which you helped him commit, oh, you'll get it in the neck!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
And I may be a shrew, but even I know that you don't tame people. You don't tame anything by abusing it, you love it. What Petruchio does is not love in any sense of the word.
LUCENTIO
It’s amazing, if I may say so, that she let herself be tamed.
OCEAN ELF
She had no choice, you freaking idiot!
ELLA PRUE SHREW
Ugh! I can feel my IQ dipping from all the stupidity spewing forth from these people.
THEY ALL EXIT.
OCEAN ELF SEETHES AND MAKES PLANS.