If you think you sometimes have it bad with a misbehaving pet, read this and relate, or laugh because your pet was never *this* bad!
Bad Dog!
by characters LJ James and Indianna Who
Edited by Ocean Elf.
Main characters:
Treize Khushrenada, of Gundam Wing infamy and his flip-out insanely jealous clingy ditz of a girlfriend-wannabe, Lady Une.
Here's how things would've ended with him and Lady Une if he hadn't kicked the bucket in the series. Also, if Lady Une was turned into a dog!
--
Imagine this:
Treize runs not-so-little Lady Une, his dog along side him on a leash, in a dog show. That's not why he's a brute, however, walking a dog is probably the best thing he's ever done.
Announcer: "And here comes" *snorts and tries not to roll his eyes* "his *choke* Excellency Treize Khushrenada with his dog named Lady...Une!"
Treize: "Sit Lady, SIT! Good girl!" *pats her on the head*
Lady Une: *pants, paws the ground in excitement, looking up anxiously at her master, Treize, then gives him several kisses before finally settling down, still staring up at Treize with those big brown eyes that beg" 'Please just love me, Mr. Treize, o' perfect master! If I could have your puppies, I would!'
Treize: *gives Lady a doggie treat* "Good girl! Ah, my little Lady Wady. You love your daddy Treize. Yes, you do. Yes, you do!"
Lady Une: noisily devours the treat, then frantically lifts up her head, giving Treize several more excited kisses.
Treize: *notices the judges approaching* "Be a good girl and sit still for daddy!!"
Lady Une: *wags her, eh...tail* "Woof-woof!!" *pants happily, a big slop of drool hanging out of her mouth*
1st Judge: "Mmmmm, a little flea bitten but I guess she looks ok."
Lady Une: *scratches ear with her foot* "Woof-woof!!"
2nd judge: "What type of breed is she?"
Treize: *smiles* "Ah, its a special breed I developed myself. She's a Kissbuttese."
1st judge: *tsks and mumbles* "That figures considering who her owner is."
Une: "Woof woof!" *moves around to the back of one judge and kisses his butt, nearly knocking him off balance in the process*
1st judge: "Argh!"
2nd Judge: "Mmmmm, interesting. And where did her breed exactly originate from?"
Treize: "Well, uh she originated from Germany."
1st judge: "Is she closely related to the German Shepherd?"
Treize: "Mmmm, you could say that. Heck, she's built like one so why not?"
1st judge: "Well, Mr. Crushenada, you sure do know your dogs!" *said in a sarcastic tone*
Lady Une: "Woof-woof!!"
Treize: "Oh, yes, I know everything there is to know about dogs, especially how to get them to, shall we say, kiss butt and do everything you say without question! You need to make it clear to your dog that you are the alpha, and--"
1st judge, interupting: "Yes, yes, we get the idea..." *yawns*
Lady Une: *howls*
2nd judge: "Oh, dearie me! Is she in heat?!"
Treize: "Oh no, not again. She can't be...At least, not that I know of." *rubs Une's side 'til her hind leg starts shaking like mad*
Lady Une: "notices that a very anxious dog that went before her had well...left something behind - she forgets about Treize for a moment and gobbles it up...in front of him and the judges! She relishes it noisily *smack smack smack - buuuuuuuuuuurp*
Audience: "Ewwwwww!!"
Lady Une: "BBBBUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!"
1st judge: "Agghh, I think I'm going to be sick!" *covers mouth*
2nd judge: "Ugh!! disgusting!!"
Treize: "Lady Une!!!" *hits her on the nose* "Bad dog, BAD!!"
Lady Une: *wimpers and squirms as she tries to give her master more kisses to apologize for displeasing him*
Treize: *quickly gets his hand out of licking range* "darnit Une, stop that!" *turns red with embarrassment, she is ruining his image!*
Lady Une: *pants*
The judges in unison: "PE-EWWWWWWWWW!!"
Audience: groans and snickers*
Lady Une: *whines and howls as she moves her body in as close to her master as possible*
Treize: *makes no response other than looking embarrassed and ticked off*
Lady Une: *Pees on her master's foot*
Treize: *gets exasperated and turns all red in the face* "Stupid dog! Stupid, stupid dog!"
Lady Une: *noisily licks herself*
Treize: *notices a woman standing next to him with a toy poodle* "What a cute little dog! Is it a 'he' or 'she'?"
Woman: *smiling* "Its a 'she'."
Lady Une: *bears teeth at poodle* "Grrrrrrr!!"
Poodle: *barks at une* "Wuf! Wuf!"
Treize: "No, Une no!! Oh, ****!!!"
Lady une: lunges at the poodle while Treize holds on to her leash for dear life*
judges and audience: *watch as Treize is dragged all over the place, with une in hot pursuit of the poodle*
Treize: "Heel Une, heel!! I said heel, you blasted dog!!!"
Lady une: *continues to chase the poodle*
Audience: * laughs at the sight of une dragging her master back and forth*
Judges: *stare in disbelief* "Good gads!!"
Treize: "Aieeeeeee!!"
2nd Judge: "Holy shoot!"
1st Judge: "I wonder just who is the master, here?"
Treize: "Whoa Lady Une, whoa!!!! STOP!! Stop I say! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGG!!!
Lady Une: *Catches the poodle in her mouth, shaking her violently, then pinning her underneath her, intending to go in for the kill*
Poodle: *screams blue murder*
Audience and judges: *collective gasp in horror*
*woman who owns the poodle: *charges in and slaps Lady Une repeatedly about the face* "you let her go, you brute!!" *turning to Treize* "What in heck is that dog of yours doing out in public!? She's a mennace!!" *manages to free her poodle from a slap-stunned Lady Une*
Treize: *standing up, dusting himself off* "I'm sorry for the way this dog acted. I hope your dog will be all right." *turns to Lady Une* "Bad dog!! Bad, bad dog!!"
Woman: *reassures her dog and checks her for broken bones* "if she is hurt, you will be sorry!" *stalks off as far away from the vicious Kissbuttese as she can get.*
Audience: *murmurs of concern*
Judges: stare*
Lady Une: *lets air big time*
Judges and audience: *are sent flying backward by the stench* "WHOA!"
Lady Une: *whines self-pityingly and desperately licks her master wherever she can, going as far as to jump up on him so she can lick his face as if it is an ice cream cone, nearly bowling him over in the process.*
Treize: "Oh, dangit, not again with the slobber! Enough, Une! Stop it, you stupid dog! You stink!"
Lady Une: *slumps down again, looking submissively up at her master with pleading, tear filled eyes* Whine, whimper, snivel, pant pant pant* * *
2nd Judge: "Good grief. He wasn't kidding when he said she was a Kissbuttese, look at that"!
1st Judge: "She's got to be the worst behaved, most ill-mannered dog I've seen in my 20 years of show judging."
Treize: *tries to walk discreetly away from Lady Une, while muttering* "I don't know this dog, I do not know this dog!"
Moral: Stop mucking with the gene pool.
Senna Marie Jenny Ko Nahid Leila Maxwell etc the biggest Lady Une buttkissing otaku whose online bullying/harassment/stalking and otherwise profoundly desperate attention-seeking, trolling, stupid behaviour and all out bad-seed and Mary Sue personality inspired the story.
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