I was really hoping this wouldn't turn out to be one of those dreadful feminism "Men, coddle women like no tomorrow and tell them they're "beautiful" because they so need to be somebody's beautiful princess" things.
I was hoping that despite the cringe-worthy title, it would not be.
After all, you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, and I really wanted my suspicion to be wrong since it was written by a Christian.
But alas, it is exactly what my sinking feeling predicted.
So very much!
It's not the first time people share schlock on FB without actually taking a hard enough look at what it's really saying or at least what impression it makes.
Sorry, people, but this one really rubs me the wrong way. I really tried my best to be as nice as I could but my mood kept getting steadily worse through reading this and you can pretty much see where I blew several stacks in my commentary.
A New Kind Of Man For Valentine’s Day
Posted by Dan Wilt on February 15, 2014
Dan Wilt: It’s Valentine’s Day, and I am a man.
Ocean Elf: Uh, you're a little late, oh well.
So you are a man. I am not a typical woman when it comes to Valentine's Day, though. I'm not only happily single, but only care about getting candy on V Day, and am otherwise, glad when it's over.
Dan Wilt: I understand the romantic protocols, and why they help this day become special to a girl.
Ocean Elf: I understand the, uh, concept too, sort of, but disagree with it. Valentine's day didn't start out being about romance at all, and it's too bad it got dumbed down to this extent. More people know and think about Cupid than about ST. Valentine (and there were apparently several figures with this name) and none of these saints had anything to do with "festivals of love"pagan or otherwise.
Here is the link to info on Valentine's Day, and as you'll read, even the stories about the various people with this name don't necessarily ring true. Blast the protocols, I say. But as already mentioned, I'm not your typical girl.
Dan Wilt: But seriously – how many men do you know capable of quenching one woman’s thirst for safe, accepting, empowering love for one week – let alone a lifetime?
Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Oh, brother! Are you really talking about safe, accepting love, or are you actually talking about women who go all "Gimme gimme gimme" every Feb. 14th? Because they're not the same thing at all.
'Empowering' oh brother. I can't express how sick I am of seeing this word being applied to only the female gender as if we're the only ones in need of it because feminists are always going on whinging so… Everyone needs empowerment at some point in life.
Safe and accepting, well, isn't that what love is supposed to be, no matter what your gender? I always thought so.
So, when you really love someone,is it easy to make them feel safe and accepted by you? If there's nothing wrong with them emotionally, and they genuinely love you, yes.
Dan Wilt: I haven’t run into a movie or video that teaches any of us how to give the kind of Valentine’s gift that she really wants.
Ocean Elf: I'm no expert on romantic movies since I find them boring. So I'll have to take your word for it. It's likely those videos and movies are meant to *cough* entertain by displaying bad stereotypes rather than actually showing examples of how relationships should really work. I'm sick of single people always being portrayed as unhappy, desperately seeking that special someone, or as briefly happy, only to get into a romance later and go on about how they never really lived up to that point. Sick of seeing couples mad about each other until they get married, and then suddenly it's as if the wedding bells set off some desire in one or both of them to get out of the relationship - or some third person comes along and tries to mess things up. I find detective shows annoying when they make the people within the squad get involved with one another too. Oh, come on, give it a rest! I want to know who done it (the crime, that is,) and am not one bit interested in what if Murdock and Julia, or anyone from CSI fell for one another. and CSI is terrible for that, at least in the beginning episodes. They've paired everyone off! And they always have to sprinkle a bit of that kruft throughout an otherwise interesting mystery show.
Dan Wilt: She won’t here, but she wants it more than anything.
Ocean Elf: Huh? You lost me there. Anyway, there's nothing in particular I want on V Day except some small treat, and I don't mean flowers or candy from a man. I'm perfectly happy to go out and get the candy myself. It's even better going out with parents, a sibling or a good friend for a coffee or lunch or something.
Dan Wilt: Give Her The Gift Of A New Kind Of Man
Ocean Elf: *Twitch* No. Just give her you at your best. She doesn't want a new kind of man, she just wants you. If you realize there's something you need and want to change about yourself, then go for it. But not just for her.
Dan Wilt: She may say she wants a card, or flowers, or candy, or a gift – but she’s not telling you what she really wants.
Ocean Elf: *Sigh* I know, it's the "I want you to show me how much you care" thing, well, people should be doing that for one another year round, we don't need some special day set aside for that other than Christmas and one's own birthday.
Dan Wilt: What she really wants is a new kind of man.
Ocean Elf: Forget this new kind of man stuff. Just be you at your best. BTW, are you going to talk later on about how you made her into this "new kind of woman: too? *Rolling eyes* Look, naturally married couples are always going to need to work stuff out, but you don't just go completely changing your personality into something that isn't you.
Dan Wilt: And you’re the only one who can give it to her.
Ocean Elf: That's because she fell in love with you, you fell in love with her for some reason, obviously there's something about you two that is unique and is why you two fell in love in the first place.
Dan Wilt: Loving a woman well, over decades, remains elusive to me. I’ve been married. over 25 years, and I’m still learning who my wife is and what she really wants from me.
Ocean Elf: But can she say the same thing about you? I'm just saying that love isn't necessarily easy all the time, and no one ever got marriage down to a perfect fine art because we're all imperfect, sometimes very disagreeable humans who misunderstand and misread one another. It's that way in all relationships too, among family, friends etc.
Dan Wilt: Over the years I’ve watched a few men model giving a woman what she wants, and needs, and loves. I’ve watched them give “a new kind of man” to their woman every Valentine’s Day – and every day in between.
Ocean Elf: *Wince* Ugh! You know, it shouldn't be hard to give your spouse what she or he wants regardless of gender, as long as that spouse is reasonable and you are a decent person. This shouldn't be so one-sided, being about how men should make women happy, or vice versa. It should be more about how two people in a relationship can improve on it so that both parties will be happier.
Dan Wilt: The following is what I’ve seen these men do, and is the information I needed over a quarter of a century ago when I said “I do.” in a day when TV and movies teach us much self-absorbed love, how to build romance over a 2-week-to-2-year period, and how to dismantle any hope for long-term intimacy one pre-marital sex moment at a time – we need some fresh ideas.
Ocean Elf: Agreed. But remember, this applies to both genders.
Dan Wilt: Try giving the following “New Kind Of Man”
Ocean Elf: *Headdesk* Argh! Cut the "new kind of man" business! I just said be yourself at your best. She doesn't want a new kind of man or she wouldn't still be married to you.
Dan Wilt: gifts to your girl
Ocean Elf: Or man. Because love should be for both in the marriage, not just given by a man and received by a woman.
Dan Wilt: this Valentine’s Day, and keep giving them for at least 3 months.
Ocean Elf: Three months? I have a feeling I'm going to be disagreeing with this approach somewhere. If you're going to be a changed person, it should last longer than that, your whole life if you can manage it and you really mean it. And by changed, I mean outside the romance aspect of life as well. As for the romance, why start on Valentine's Day? Why not make it a lot more special and start this regiment on your anniversary instead?
Dan Wilt: Note if changes occur in her only then, and keep giving the gifts she seems to like the most.
Ocean Elf: ARGH! *Scowl* I was so hoping this wasn't going to turn into a mangle, but this is really starting to tick me off! It's beginning to remind me of that horrid faux Brad Pitt forward. Please? Where's the woman's obligation in all this? Why do you have to change for her? Why do you have to change for her in order to make her change? If something isn't working in your life, maybe it isn't you who's the problem. You're not put on earth just to make some girl happy. If she's unhappy and you aren't some cad who actually causes her to be, it isn't up to you to make her happy. she needs to work on her own issues and stop depending on you for her happiness, mistaking your not giving her stuff for "waaaah, he doesn't care!" and trying to get you to coddle her.
Dan Wilt: The reality is, some of these gifts and the response you hope to get from her may take over 30 years of giving before you see results. Sorry. It’s just true.
Ocean Elf: This whole "Do this and that to make your girl happy, and the results may be this or that" irritates the heck out of me! You're not putting together a puzzle. You're not taming a biting parrot. You're not maintaining a newly acquired piano that needs tuning every three months for a year so that it will keep its tune more or less after that point. You're not fixing a car. You're not bidding on the stock market. You sure aren't making the idea of living with a woman look like something even worth considering. You make us sound like a lot of baggage and a lot of trouble and very, very high maintenance.
Gee, thanks!
Women are not little dependent creatures that depend on men for their happiness and might only be happy one day when men do enough of the right sort of things just for them! We are all humans, and there is no formula to happiness. everyone has to find their own happiness. Some do, others never do, and that means both genders.
Dan Wilt: But that shouldn’t stop us, because we might see results today – results that beautify, strengthen, and empower your wife to be the woman she is designed to be.
Ocean Elf: *Facepalm!* *Headdesk!* Aaaaaaaaaagh! Again with the 'beautify' 'empowerment' 'designed to be' crud!
Look, unless she's got an awful personality, she doesn't need to be 'beautified' and that kind of beautification is something you can't give her. Uunless she's this quaking little victim who's been through some kind of trauma, she doesn't need 'empowerment' any more than the rest of us, women and men alike. And you have some nerve talking about 'results' and how you believe you can somehow raise her up to some pinnacle of 'design' as if she is some work of art that needs you to master her!
God knows everyone's personal 'design' and limits. It is not up to you to determine what that is or try to improve on it! She is who she is, you are who you are, and this whole "Change yourself to get good results by improving her" stuff is just insulting!
Dan Wilt: A New Kind Of Husband For Valentine’s Day
Ocean Elf: Oh, scrap the Valentine's Day already. If you're going to improve on yourself and work with her (I said 'with, not 'for') on a relationship, for goodness sake, make it a lifetime goal and not just to try making some woman happier so you'll get good results by her new improved beautified empowered design. You work on you, she should work on herself…
Dan Wilt: Women are very different, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach that will work all the time.
Ocean Elf: Ditto for men! *Rolling eyes* That's because we're all, get this, HUMAN!
But I'll give you a heads up. People who devise such master manipulation plans like yours, I do not trust.
Dan Wilt: But there are principles that apply across the board.
Ocean Elf: Not just for men on how to treat women, but truly across the board. Principles like "Don't cheat on him/her" "be a friend, be supportive to him/her" stuff like that. applies to everyone.
Dan Wilt: Read these, husbands,
Ocean Elf: And wives…
Dan Wilt: and then break them down into practical ways you can express them to your wife.
Ocean Elf: Or husband.
From here on in, I'm going to replace 'her' and 'she' with both genders to make this a lot more balanced, not so freaking one-sided.
Dan Wilt: Be Her/his Healing
Accept that your vocation is to love her/him to life, to speak her/him to wholeness, to support her/him to joy. Accept that s/he is the greatest gift you will ever receive, and begin to see her/him as a fragile, yet strong treasure to be held in the highest regard..
Ocean Elf: Yes, he is fragile, too.
Dan Wilt: If you can begin to see that you are the most influential person that s/he will ever have in her/his life,
Ocean Elf: Be careful not to abuse that influence.
Dan Wilt: you will realize that every moment is an opportunity to heal her/him as you speak to her/him, hold her/him, tend to her/him, and listen to her/his heart.
Ocean Elf: Because not all women need healing. Men need healing as much as women do.
Dan Wilt: The reality is, you want to enjoy your marriage 20 years from now. So does s/he. That will happen one step at a time, seeing yourself as her/his healer is the first step to that happening..
Ocean Elf: No, you can only do what you can to help your spouse to heal, if they actually need healing, and only then, if it's the sort of healing you really can help with. But nobody is with you constantly throughout life, and there eventually will come a time when you will have only yourself and God to depend on for your healing and happiness. You can't depend on someone else for your happiness, nor should you encourage other people to do so. That sets up codependency.
Dan Wilt: In many ways, all the following ideas fall under this first one.You have to choose a healing approach to her/him;
Ocean Elf: that's assuming s/he actually needs healing and even wants you in this role.
Dan Wilt: it will not come naturally. You will need to become the greatest source of her/his emotional healing.
Ocean Elf: Unless s/he doesn't need healing.
Dan Wilt: S/he’ll need other fe/male friends for some things, but as far as you’re concerned, you must become her/his best friend. It all starts here..
Ocean Elf: You could've summed this all up into one sentence "Be your spouses's best friend."
Dan Wilt: Verbally Appreciate Her/him – Without Restraint
Ocean Elf: Ugh! Don't overdo it though! A compliment once in a while and the odd "I love you" is fine, but for goodness sake don't go on and on! I mean, don't flatter. It's phoney and awkward. If you weren't a huge love-poem-spouting Romeo/Juliet before, don't start now. Anyone's bound to notice something's up with you, and it's somehow not quite right.
Dan Wilt: Speak about how valuable s/he is to you until you think s/he’s tired of hearing it.
Ocean Elf: Ugh! No! So much no!
Dan Wilt: Then, keep doing it. Every day.
Ocean Elf: No! No, no, NO!
Here's a perspective you might not realize actually exists among at least some of us women:
We are not goddesses. We do not think we are goddesses. We do not want to be goddesses. We do not want to be endlessly and slavishly praised as if we were goddesses. We are not so terribly insecure that our very well-being hinges on getting tons of flattery! We get suspicious of that kind of behaviour, specially since we do not engage in it toward other people and neither do you, we've noticed. We are seriously put out with your assumption that we are these needy, clingy little saps in need of your 'healing empowerments' and doting 24/7! We do n't want or need to be 'beautified' by you, any beautifying we might wish for ourselves, will be accomplished, by ourselves, thank you! Beat it!
Dan Wilt: Over and over.
Ocean Elf: No! Over and out!
Dan Wilt: Use texts.
Ocean Elf: Ackh! No! You want to see my response to that suggestion which was included in another of those "Men, shower your girlfriends/wives with unending" schlock already overshared fwds?
Well, here you go!
--
Chains: - •Leave herChain1: sweet textsChain2: cute messages.Chain1: to wake up to.
BP: Or creep me out...I don't buy flattery, so find someone else to sell it to.
Ocean Elf: And make me suspicious, annoyed, or both. I don't go for the sweet nothings and don't require flattery. I don't do the text message thing at all and would get especially perturbed if some guy left me so-called "sweet texts/cute messages" that he didn't actually write himself because they are card-board cut-out virals AKA chain messages! Send me any of those and don't expect a thank you!
--
Actually, you should read our mangle of that whole thing. It's called "True Boyfriend" but we've nicknamed it "True Stalker"
Dan Wilt: Say it in phone calls.
Ocean Elf: 'Say it in texts' 'say it in phone calls' 'say it in person' 'say it in the presence of all other people you come in contact with' 'say it at the movies' 'say it at a restaurant' 'say it in bed' 'say it when you get up' 'say it over the radio' NO! Just shut it already! Even women get sick of a broken record! Yes, even when that broken record sings our unreasonable praises to the sky 24/7! We're not that insecure, no matter what the movies and feminist memes tell you!
Dan Wilt: Thank her/him for anything s/he does around the house, with the brief words, “I really appreciate that you…” or “I am so grateful for you….”.
Ocean Elf: Oh, for goodness sakes! Maybe once in a while, but not all the freaking time! We're adults, we are not little babies just learning how to sit up, walk, feed ourselves, we simply don't require pats on the back for EVERY - LITTLE - THING!
Dan Wilt: For many men I meet, this doesn’t come naturally.
Ocean Elf: Which is exactly why it shouldn't be done. Look, women don't go around doing nothing but praising their husbands/boyfriends for every teeny wee little thing, or, they shouldn't. Holding men to this obligation forces them into this subservience mode which is unnatural for both genders and is an insult to women as well. If you're going to give me the odd compliment (not flattery) I better have done something to deserve it. Don't just praise the heck out of me for being a woman and for being me…
Dan Wilt: When they tell me this, my only answer is, “Who cares? Do it anyway.
Ocean Elf: And my answer to that is, go suck a lemon!
Dan Wilt: You go to work. You eat dinner. You remember the game is on or that appointment must happen.
Ocean Elf: Actually, I eat dinner, then go to work, and I also watch the game. So there!
Dan Wilt: Just do it.
Ocean Elf: No, just don't!
I hope your wife reads this and finds out what a master manipulator you are and how you think women are these poor pathetic little beings always in need of some man to praise their every move! This sentiment and suggestions to praise a woman to the sky has already been trotted out in so many feminism chain letters and it's time men and women alike stood up and said "Scrap that!"
Dan Wilt: All the time.
Ocean Elf: NO! *Scowl*
Dan Wilt: Till you wonder if s/he thinks you’re being genuine.
Ocean Elf: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
And you want to know when I'd doubt your sincerity? About the third or fourth praise that comes out of your mouth, especially if given within a very short timespan and I never hear you speak that way to other people! Yes, at least some of us women would catch on to your game far quicker than you ever could imagine!
Dan Wilt: Just keep doing it.”.
Ocean Elf: No! *Scowl* Just don't!
To try making this a little clearer, here is a list of all these forwards I've seen that have already touted the tripe you've been promoting in this post.
Dan Wilt: Approach Her/him With Dignity
Ocean Elf: Dignity is not meant for only one gender!
Dan Wilt: Approach your wife/husband with kindness and devotion, in a way that makes her/him feel like you respect her/his space.
Ocean Elf: That is what everyone should do, and not only does it completely cancel out the first load of phoney and obnoxious she-slavery on your list, it should have been put there in place of it!
Dan Wilt: How you approach this women/man is everything; s/he has to believe that when you see her/him you respect her/him,
Ocean Elf: But you have to be sincere about it. Not put it on.
Dan Wilt: appreciate her/him,
Ocean Elf: *Sigh* 'appreciate' 'appreciate' 'appreciate' 'appreciate' 'appreciate' - Broken…record…Broken…Record. Broken record broken record *poof!*
Dan Wilt: and see her/him as a high and holy creature..
Ocean Elf: No more than the rest of the human race! Look, we are all God's creatures, so in that sense, we are all holy. But we are not deities! Agggggh! *Facepalm* Anyone got a bucket?
Dan Wilt: Here are the straight goods,
Ocean Elf: Straight drips you mean, being given the straight-up! I'll point out at the end what you said that is actually worth anything, because so far, this is a mountain of rehashed "Worship your women" dreck with the odd little bit of sense thrown in, and that isn't looking too good.
Dan Wilt: husband.
Ocean Elf: and wife…
Dan Wilt: Approaching her/him with lust, or a demanding demeanor, diminishes intimacy. Even if there has been distance between you, s/he needs to know, be convinced, that you are the safest place on earth.
Ocean Elf: Forget this 'convincing" stuff. A spouse has to just know their spouse isn't just using them and is not ever going to cheat.
Dan Wilt: When s/he is convinced of that, things may change.
Ocean Elf: Summary - don't abuse sex. Exactly, any decent person doesn't have a problem with that requirement in a marriage.
Dan Wilt: If s/he’s very broken related to intimacy, then I’m sorry, but your job over the next decade is cut out for you.
Ocean Elf: And to repeat, this should cut both ways. Because it's not just women who get broken by bad sex.
Dan Wilt: S/he must believe you place her in the highest esteem. Only then can anything begin to change..
Ocean Elf: Duh! For any human being!
Dan Wilt: Stare at her/him,
Ocean Elf: No! Don't! So much don't!
Dan Wilt: and when s/he asks why, innocently
Ocean Elf: Innocently my foot, you manipulative piece of work!
Dan Wilt: say
Ocean Elf: Something you probably really don't mean but is designed to get her right in the "I want more flattery" section of her psyche.
Wouldn't work with me, pal!
Worse still, you'd probably drop the be-all and end-all woman-passifier according to all other drippy "Adore women endlessly" chain letters, the "You're beautiful" I'll start killing things within reach if I'm right.
Dan Wilt: “Because you’re beautiful.”
Ocean Elf: *Facepalms repeatedly* Aaaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaagh! !!!!!!!!! *Furious scowl* KNOCK IT OFF!
*grabs waffle and makes short work of it*
Dan Wilt: No neediness in your eyes. Just say it,
Ocean Elf: No, just cut the crap and act like a real human, and treat her likewise! No staring, no stupid insincere flattery, no obsession with beauty, because if that's all you care about, you shouldn't even be in a relationship in the first place and you're acting exactly like the men in these bad examples you lament over at the start of this article.
I've seen this very thing on TV shows where men dropped the beautiful card or suddenly grabbed and kissed some woman like crazy during an argument, and the woman just suddenly went from rightly upset about whatever the issue was to purring in his arms and pashing right back. Yuck!
Trust me, there are those of us women about who are not such easily played dumbbells.
and once again, I draw your attention to the chain letter forwards that tell men to stare at women until noticed, only to come back with some cheesy, less than believable flattery.
Dan Wilt: and move on.
Ocean Elf: And out.
Dan Wilt: Look away,
Ocean Elf: And realize you were a big doofus for staring in the first place. I mean, how rude!
Dan Wilt: and keep doing what you’re doing.
Ocean Elf: You should've kept on doing what you were doing from the start and never stopped to stare like a dumb ape only to deliver the most overkilled, overused, cheesy, insincere, shallow "You're beautiful" flattery!
Dan Wilt: Leave that simmer over days;
Ocean Elf: 'Simmer' WTH? You're supposed to be working on a marriage, this woman isn't a pot of spaghetti sauce!
Dan Wilt: don’t expect favors that night.
Ocean Elf: !!!!!!!! *Scowl* How about this for a 'favour, buster? *Punch* Shut it!
Dan Wilt: Every woman needs to believe she is beautiful to someone.
Ocean Elf: *Royally ticked off glare* No, no, NO! That is absolutely WRONG, sir! Wrong!
Please, allow me to introduce myself.
You may refer to me as Ocean Elf. Or by my real name - if you know it.
I do not care about being beautiful to/for somebody and I don't care what you look like. Talk about fashion and cosmetics bores the heck out of me.
Instead of merely "being beautiful" to somebody, I'd rather make an impact by way of friendship, strength of character/personality, music, laughter, even tears. The biggest compliment IMO is knowing when you've inspired someone or had some other really positive impact, not merely being beautiful.
I'll readily accept a real compliment same as anyone, but I do not hinge my happiness on whether or not I'm beautiful to anyone! and I have had it to here and back with so many of these "make women feel more 'beautiful and they will be more beautiful for you" things!
There's a time and place for things to be called beautiful, where the word is actually used with sincerity and makes a lot more sense.
But not here!
If you like a particular piece of music you've heard me play, you are more than welcome to let me know you think that music is beautiful, gorgeous, moving, lovely, whatever comes to mind. But music is meant to evoke emotion, and a lot of it is truly beautiful. It has nothing to do with the way I look. And I am utterly disgusted with Youtube comments from guys ogling over female classical music performers, and with sed performers trying to amp up the sex appeal. That kind of behavior belongs in bonobo chimp troops, not in a concert hall.
Polished rocks and waterfalls are beautiful. It's fine to admire them for it.
But we are not waterfalls or polished rocks. We are not eye-candy. If you really love us, you'll love us no matter how 'beautiful' we do or do not look, and you will not belittle us underhandedly with phoney flattery in the hopes of building us up to a more 'beautiful' 'design' that might be easier for you to live with in the long run and that you can pat yourself on the back over as having somehow recreated this poor woman into a beautiful work of fine-designed art!
I do not like manuals from men on how to treat women or vice versa. I do not like demanding lists from girls telling guys to give them what they want every second of every day or they'll go to pieces. Suck it up, people! I cannot stand shallowness and have no tolerance for brattiness..
Dan Wilt: Be that man/woman who convinces her/him over days, weeks, months, years, and decades..
Ocean Elf: if true love is involved, there doesn't need to be any 'convincing'!
Dan Wilt: Be Ready To Die For Her/him, Every Moment
Ocean Elf: Sorry, but much as I love everyone in my life, I honestly don't know how I'd react if someone put a gun to my head and said "Now you must prove your love by dying for (insert name.)" We shouldn't be expected to go that far. I'd much rather survive to go on loving the people in my life, and have that armed maniac jailed with the key thrown away.
In marriage, the vows say to forsake all others for the spouse, and love them with all their might. Yes, there are people who could make a literal sacrifice of their life for another, but you just don't go around demanding that of everyone, specifically every husband. All the love, respect, devotion needs to go both ways.
Dan Wilt: Here’s the real deal.
Ocean Elf: everybody talks about "the real deal" well there is no one real deal other than mutual love and respect when it comes to marriage, and those "Worship women as beautiful works of art that you can make beautifuller" are anything BUT the real deal!
Dan Wilt: I married my wife. She married me. We didn’t know what we do today when we said our vows. We did say that divorce was not an option in our wedding vows, and sometimes younger people are smarter than older ones. We’re glad we said that. We don’t always like each other..
Ocean Elf: You should've started out this article with that paragraph. It's one of the few things in this whole thing that actually makes sense and doesn't sound like one of those terrible "How to" manuals on women.
Dan Wilt: But I’ve chosen to live my life outside of my own self, and my own self-absorption. Marriage is a training ground. So is parenting.Therefore, I may have to die to what I need over and over again today.
Ocean Elf: *Pssh* You were doing so well in this last paragraph until that last sentence about dying to your needs. if you didn't need to be married, you wouldn't have married. You've just said you have needs your wife doesn't fulfill. Great going!
Dan Wilt: I may need to stop dreaming, and just work at my job.
Ocean Elf: Hey! That applies to most of us, I think, married or not.
Dan Wilt: I may need to stop talking about the next thing I want to do, and start talking about the next thing she wants to do..
Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* How about the next thing you both want to do? What a novel concept! It shouldn't always have to be his VS. hers!
Dan Wilt: I may need to plan ahead, and stop half-baked attempts to give her gifts or take care of the things that are really important to her..
Ocean Elf: and likewise applying to her doing for you. There's that mutual thing again.
Dan Wilt: See Her As A Mirror Of You
Ocean Elf: Oh, for the love! I just mangled another meme that said "make your woman a beautiful reflection of you" thing, the faux Brad Pitt one.
Look here! - We are not here to be little dependent reflections of men!
Dan Wilt: This one will hurt,
Ocean Elf: Not just hurt, more like crash&burn!
Dan Wilt: and you may not buy it,
Ocean Elf: Heck I sure don't!
Dan Wilt: but that’s okay.
Ocean Elf: Yeah, what's not okay is your telling every man to just totally deny themselves to be subservient to some woman to make her into a beautiful art design that will one day be your mirror! Know what? There's gold, and then there's iron pyrite. Guess which you are. You won't turn iron pyrite into gold. Not if the woman realizes all the ridiculous scheming you've done and all the phoney baloney you've been feeding her because she wasn't fulfilling your needs and you want her and yourself achieving some utterly unimportant and ridiculous height of beautifulness.
Dan Wilt: Rather then assuming her attitudes are all her fault, all her fear, all her brokenness, or all her problem or issue
Ocean Elf: Wow, you're just like that faux Brad Pit drip! Your wife has every right to walk out on you after this pile of garbage. I would be seriously offended if I had been married to someone for even 10 years, and caught him having written a "how to" manual on behaving around a wife, going on about her bad temper, wishes to get gifts every Valentine's Day, and how showering her with tons of flattery and "You're beautiful" would eventually tame that temper of hers and melt away her faults and insecurities and fears so that she would eventually come around and be your reflection. As if I had that much wrong with me that needed to be fixed and he was still working on it. I couldn't trust that man again.
Look, if some girl has so many faults, it's not up to you to fix her. Obviously she's not the right girl for you, not even mature enough, ready to be in a relationship. if you didn't seek out such "Gimme gimme gimme" girls/women to begin with, you could work on your own faults while the more level-headed woman who is ready for an adult relationship, works on hers. I don't know which category your wife falls into, now, or in the past. But this is tactless beyond belief!
Dan Wilt: – decide to see her challenges as having something to do with the way you are treating her..
Ocean Elf: Oh, for goodness sake! Look, it's not always about you. There are people, women and men alike, who are drama queens/kings, they suck the life out of everyone else around them, and they always look for excuses to play the victim, no matter how nice people are to them. if your wife is one of these, that's not your fault, it's her own!
Dan Wilt: Men, please swallow hard and this point, and just listen to me. Let me even be wrong for a moment,
Ocean Elf: A moment? You've been mostly wrong throughout this whole sorry article!
Dan Wilt: as I might say something that catches something in you.
Ocean Elf: You've said a lot of somethings that don't merely 'catch' they stink! And you're doing the whole careful apology tone with men too. You wouldn't happen to be some hard-luck door-to-door salesman, would you?
Dan Wilt: Even if you think it’s not your fault that she acts the way she does,
Ocean Elf: Because much of the time, it isn't. I've seen more than enough drama-queen girls and women and their antics throughout my life to be pretty sure they are not only at fault for alienating the people around them, but they are their own worst enemies. And, they like it that way! They are not interested in growing up and taking responsibility for their crap. as long as they can get somebody kissing their butts and picking up after their messes, and shouldering all the blame, they're happy as pigs in mud. They love being miserable. They love making others miserable. And they don't want to give that up, and trade in their victimhood status for one of happy, well-adjusted, contented human being, down on a level with the rest of us who are pulling our own weight.
Dan Wilt: assume that you have power to heal her with your love.
Ocean Elf: NO! Do NOT do that! You do, and you are headed for a heap of trouble!
When I was but a small child, or youth, I once had this naive attitude. I thought I could make a difference in people's lives too. I thought I could help heal them with my love. And what happened as a result? One of two things. I either got backstabbed, or the person got so attached to me or else it turned out we had nothing in common and I just couldn't stand being around them any more and had to break things off with them.
Well, maybe they're happier today, maybe not. But I'm happier without them, and that's for the best.
It is very liberating to realize that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. It is daunting to realize at the same time that you ARE responsible for your own, and if there's something about yourself you aren't happy with, you better find a way to deal with it. If you can fix what's the matter with yourself, and you're a happier person, then other people will be happier around and with you.
Dan Wilt: Assume you can do something about it.
Ocean Elf: No, don't. You can't. And, it isn't up to you. it is not up to you to make someone else change. That someone else has to want to change, and has to make considerable effort to change. You can try to help them, and offer support, but that's all you can do.
Dan Wilt: Assume that she needs more of something from you than she is currently getting.
Ocean Elf: Forget assuming. How about actually trying to find out? and there are people who are just bottomless pits of need and "gimme this, gimme that'. There's only so much you can do for those people and no more. if they're not willing to work at things, the best thing is to cut them loose or you'll end up with two broken people instead of one.
Dan Wilt: Even if that is not completely true, you will get somewhere if you start here..
Ocean Elf: Oh, you could get somewhere all right, stabbed in the heart, will to live all but sapped, and feeling like a prized idiot for wasting so much time on someone who really didn't give a darn about you or helping themselves at all. Meanwhile, they go on their merry way, chewing up and spitting out some other poor sap who thought they could rock their world.
Dan Wilt: My wife and I are both shocked at how broken we can be. Our self-awareness is not always high, and we see the faults in the other as glaring and obvious to the world.But the reality is, that awareness fixes very little.I assume that when my wife is angry for no apparent reason, or afraid, or in inner turmoil, that I have the power to heal her. What I don’t mean is that I can fix her immediately. What I do mean is that she can see in me the tenderness in me, acceptance, safe place, and faith-rooted man that she needs..
Ocean Elf: So what about you and your own anger, your inner turmoil, your fear, your faults? is she as supportive and tender to you during those? Does she think she can fix yu in the long run too?
Dan Wilt: If I can get beyond my own self-absorption, I can heal her over decades and decades of marriage.
Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* The way you keep qualifying her own 'self-absorption' as 'turmoil' 'fear' 'anger' while you dismiss all of your own fear, anger, turmoil as mere "self-absorption" and her characteristics as always these negative ones while you show "tenderness" is really offensive. You might not realize this, but self-belittlement plus pointing out only the negative in your spouse, and using all sorts of qualifiers to excuse her behaviour, and paint yourself as both "self-absorbed" and "tender" is not healthy or attractive, and sure isn't getting anything in the way of a good message across.
So let's call a spade a spade.
You're angry, she's angry. You're scared, she's scared. You have turmoil, she has turmoil. You are self-absorbed, she is self-absorbed. You're tender - but is she? I hope there's a good quality in there somewhere and not just excuses for mercurial behaviour.
Dan Wilt: I can’t fix her
Ocean Elf: Argh! Well just maybe she isn't broken! It's not up to you to "fix" another person!
Dan Wilt: – but I can work with God in her healing..
Ocean Elf: And I hope she says likewise about you. Because it's not just women who need healing, and not just men who are healers.
Dan Wilt: Pray For Her Every Night
Ocean Elf: And she does for you too, right?
Dan Wilt: I lean this way.
Ocean Elf: If that's true, you could toss out about 90% of this writeup.
Dan Wilt: I have a job to do as a husband,
Ocean Elf: And she has a job to do as a wife. If you have kids, you have jobs to do as parents. Yeah, everybody gets that. it's just that sometimes people don't always do their jobs. Whenever one partner gets hung up on wanting sex, and another gets hung up on being beautiful, they're not doing their jobs.
Dan Wilt: and God is going to give me the strength I need to do it. God is not going to do it all;
Ocean Elf: But remember, this saying that God helps those who help themselves applies not just to husbands, but wives as well.
And God also gives people the sense to walk away and get out of a bad relationship, particularly after a few bad experiences. God should give you the sense to realize you are not here to fix your wife and tell other men how to fix theirs. God should've given you the sense to realize that not all women are broken, and not all men are unbroken and capable of healing duty.
Dan Wilt: I need to take the lead.
Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* I'm going to make this following bit for both genders again, because some people, regardless of gender, are just better at remembering to pray every night than others.
Dan Wilt: In silence, every night, as you lie beside her/him in bed, pray for her/him. Do it. Don’t forget..
Ocean Elf: 'Do it' 'do it' 'do it' oh, sto it already!
Dan Wilt: Every once in awhile, if this fits your marriage, as her/him if you can pray for her/him out loud. For some men/women, this is way out of your grid or comfort zone.
Ocean Elf: It's way out of my comfort zone. I don't pray out loud at all, and certainly wouldn't make a prayer out loud that centred on one person right in their presence, unless it was during a baptism or an actual prayer for the person to be healed from something that could otherwise end their life. I feel very bashful, awkward, maybe even embarrassed at the mere thought of someone making a prayer out loud that centred around me.
So how about instead of praying for her, you ask her to join you in prayer, and then you pray about the normal sorts of things people pray about? Novel concept again! You could really help with the togetherness so much more than staring at her and telling her she's beautiful!
Dan Wilt: As far as silent prayer goes, do it anyway.
Ocean Elf: Yeah, no kidding, I already do. And I don't have or want a spouse or even a boyfriend.
Dan Wilt: As far as anything else goes, convince her/him
Ocean Elf: Oh, not with this 'convincing' stuff again! *Facepalm*
Dan Wilt: that you are pre-occupied with how much God loves her/him,
Ocean Elf: Not just him/her, look, we don't need someone making as if they're overly interested in making sure we know God loves us, as if that's more important than God loving other people on earth. and your throwing this 'convincing' business in there, really rubs me the wrong way!
Dan Wilt: and how you can pray her/him through to the next stage of strength s/he needs to overcome her/his inner battles..
Ocean Elf: I just applied that to both genders. How does it feel, having someone assume you need to be prayed through to the next level of strength to fight your inner battles?
You know, we don't always have inner battles, nor do we need men praying us through to some new level of strength. If I need support in some struggle or other, I will pray myself, and I will reach out in my own way to ask for a little support and friendship. But there are plenty of times when I am absolutely contented.
Dan Wilt: Full stop
Ocean Elf: Yes, please just stop!
Dan Wilt: – some men/women give lip service to praying for their wife/husband. I found that I’m not fooling God. My explicit, verbalized prayers for my wife seem to have effect, over time. My “I’m sort of doing it” prayers do not. God knows if I’m turning my energies into praying for my wife, and seems to respond to that real commitment..
Ocean Elf: That applies to everyone, everywhere, and I still don't agree with your how-to manual, not even the praying part of it. God knows sincere prayers, so if you really don't feel like praying for your wife one night because you've got other concerns, real concerns that are pressing and weighing on your mind, God is going to pay attention to your prayers over those concerns.
Dan Wilt: There’s no need to be perfect in this, just consistent and “her/his-benefit-focused.”.
Ocean Elf: No! Sorry, but this whole "You must pray for your wife every night" even if she's been an absolute bear biting your head off for days over nothing, combined with all of the other crap you suggest in the above is to the point of idolatry and even obscene! Do you worship God, or do you worship your wife? Well, at this point, it's not exactly clear. You are both here to serve God, he is not there to help you make your wife a beautiful mirror.
Dan Wilt: Give Her The Gifts She Wants
Ocean Elf: Oh, ruddy heck! Will you never shut up!?
Dan Wilt: Now we come to the chocolate, the cards, and the flowers. On Valentine’s Day, her/his birthday, First-Day-Of-Spring Day, Christmas, Middle-Of-Summer Day, Date Nights, Turn-The-Clock-Back-An-Hour Day, your anniversary, and Just-Because-I-Treasure-You Day – give her/him gifts..
Ocean Elf: If you're the kind of person who naturally likes to do that, sure. If s/he appreciates it, sure. If s/he actually deserves it, sure. If s/he's been a ticked off tigress/baboon all week long, not so much. And give her/him little hints of the kinds of gifts you'd like to get as well so s/he can return the favour.
Dan Wilt: Give her/him not what you want to give her/him, but what s/he wants you to give her/him.
Ocean Elf: Duh! This should apply when giving gifts to anyone. Little kids eventually do learn the ropes here.
Dan Wilt: Keep a memo on your smart phone called “My Wife/husband’s Gifts,”
Ocean Elf: Bleck! No! That just spoils everything! If you need a reminder to get her a gift, you're giving out of obligation, and that's not the spirit gifts should be given. She just has to learn to grow up and stop expecting so much… Better still, she can do what I do, treat herself to something special when she feels like it.
Dan Wilt: and take notes every time s/he mentions that restaurant, those snack items, that store, or that flower..
Ocean Elf: Okay, I can go along with jotting down the favourite treats and places you want to treat someone to in the future. That, for once, is a reasonable suggestion from you.
Dan Wilt: Giving good gifts means you must become a student of your wife/husband.
Ocean Elf: if you were on the ball with this before you were married, you wouldn't have to go to spouse-school.
Dan Wilt: Become that student.
Ocean Elf: Like I said, not necessary if you'd been paying attention before you were married.
Dan Wilt: A New Kind Of Man For Valentine’s Day
Ocean Elf: *Pfft* Scrap that. Just be yourself, and I mean, be yourself at your best. Not just for Valentine's Day.
Dan Wilt: This costs time, energy, and attention.
Ocean Elf: The way you describe it, yeah, sure does!
I have no plans to get married, but if I ever do, I sure as heck don't want to be the kind of high-maintainence girl in these memes, and do not want some man bending over backward trying to treat me like some goddess or queen. Just the basic real love, loyalty, the not cheating, being kind to other people, knowing when to tell others to take a hike, that sort of thing. And I'd do likewise.
Dan Wilt: Spend all three of these on her/him?
Ocean Elf: Within reason, that is… Love someone, sure, but don't go overboard about it like in this manual or similar viral reposts. Keep it real.
Dan Wilt: Over the long trajectory of your marriage, I believe you’ll see growing benefits in your friendship, intimacy, and enjoyment as a married couple.
Ocean Elf: If you keep it real right from the beginning, and you're both in good emotional health, sure.
Dan Wilt: Who knows, maybe she’ll read the article my wife will write one day learning how she can give you herself as a “new kind of woman” to you, and the Valentine’s joy will grow.
Ocean Elf: Oh, boy, wouldn't that be a barrel of fun to read…
Dan Wilt: There’s nothing here we can’t do, men. I am convinced that only God can help us do it, and help us to raise young men who can do the same.
Ocean Elf: God will help you to love one another, not to dispense unnatural, unfelt flatteries, stare and say "You're beautiful", assume women are these high-maintenance, broken, emotional train wrecks in constant need of ego-strokes and tons and tons of just-because and Valentine's gifts. Men and boys may have their work cut out for them, but so do women and girls. Because humans all have to learn to get along with other humans throughout life, and married couples have an especially tough job, learning to live under the same roof together for life. Not even best friends can always manage that.
Dan Wilt: For this Valentine’s Day, and the year to follow, give her a new kind of man.
Ocean Elf: No, don't. She doesn't want a new kind of man, she just wants you at your best.
forget Valentine's Day. if you want to really make it a personal celebration of your romance, save it for your anniversary. Valentine's Day wasn't originally intended to celebrate romance.
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Now, as mentioned earlier, I'm going to take the few bits and pieces of your article and rework them to make a new one that's less off-putting to probably some men, and less insulting to at least some women such as myself.
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Dan Wilt: I married my wife. She married me. We didn’t know what we do today when we said our vows. We did say that divorce was not an option in our wedding vows, and sometimes younger people are smarter than older ones. We’re glad we said that. We don’t always like each other..
But there are principles that apply across the board.
Here’s the real deal.
S/he’ll need other fe/male friends for some things, but as far as you’re concerned, you must become her/his best friend. It all starts here..
Approach your wife/husband with kindness, dignity and devotion, in a way that makes her/him not just feel, but know for certain you respect her/him.
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Ocean Elf: That's it. if you love each other, you'll do that naturally, and all your gift-giving, prayer time etc. will follow, and fall into place.
I showed this chain to BP, and she has this to say.:
BP: Aargh! *wince* Sheesh! I really hate these Valentine's glurges- and Valentine's Day in general, for what it has become. It's all about changing for the woman, while she does absolutely nothing for the relationship except whine and cry about how misunderstood she is. That's not what love is about- and we shouldn't need a holiday to express it anyway. *sigh* I could go on, but at this point, I'm convinced the only good thing about the holiday is the candy.
Ocean Elf: Agreed. I'm also very sick of the implication that it's always the woman who gets upset over every little thing, or for no reason, and that she is always the one who needs to be calmed down by some man, who is always more even-keeled, who has all the character strength, and has to be the one to provide it for her, because a woman doesn't have enough strength or real character to stand on her own. And that some shallow "You're beautiful" will pacify/humor her into a better mood every time. Wrong! Wrong on so many levels.
Men do get upset, and women do have to try helping them to calm down too. And if simple flattery doesn't work for men, it certainly doesn't work for at least some of us either. Hopefully there are more women out there with common sense who could see right through this game plan.
Over and out!
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