Lady Une's Afterlife

Bizarre Twisted Afterlife Story Meme

Atheist MoleUK posted this chain letter to the Sean Hannity forum. That thread seems to have been deleted now, but take my word for it, it was there.

It was a weird chain letter story to say the very least. It was inquired about on Yahoo Answers.

The post on the forum didn't specify an author, and I don't know who wrote it, so suspect it was that world famous author known as Anonymous.

I started out straight mangling the chain letter, but due to it trying to make God into a main character in this pile of hooey, I ended up making edits and then putting some comments at the end.

The generic nameless guy who dies in the story is replaced with Lady Une from the Gundam anime. God is replaced with Senna Marie Maxwell's stupid Hamgod.

* * *

Chain: You were on your way home when you died.

Ocean Elf: Actually, no, I'm still very much alive, and I'm at home right now.

Chain: It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMT tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

Ocean Elf: You really have your story and subject mixed up!

1. I'm not a man.

2. I'm not married.

3. Therefore, I don't have a wife!

4. I don't have kids.

5. I haven't been in a car accident since I was a kid.

6. It obviously didn't kill me.

7. My body is still very much in tact.

Chain: And that's when you met me.

Ocean Elf: Actually, I met you in cyberspace. Since you claimed I was dead when I met you, that must mean you are one of those dealive kids I love to smite.

Chain: "What... what happened?" You asked. "Where am I?"

Ocean Elf: Never happened. I know what's happening, and I know where I am. I'm at my computer, mangling your sad little piece of writing.

Chain: "You died," I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

Ocean Elf: And I say, just as matter-of-factly, you lie! No point mincing words.

Chain: "There was a... a truck and it was skidding..."

Ocean Elf: Trucks do that, you know. It happens all the time, especially in icy conditions. However, not so likely during the summer.

Chain: "Yup." I said.

Ocean Elf: So you know how to say the word "yup" good for you.

Chain: "I... I died?"

Ocean Elf: You are dealive. You might want to look at this article to get a full explanation of what that means.

Chain: Yup. But don't feel bad about it. Everyone dies." I said.

Ocean Elf: Huh, you're only figuring this out now?

Chain: You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. "What is this place?" You asked. "Is this the afterlife?"

Ocean Elf: Didn't happen. I'm real, you're some dealive chain letter entity, and it is not cool for you to try to put words into my mouth and write such a dreadful plotboiler about me. Not cool writing stories about people's deaths when they actually are living, you know. Especially when sed people get to read and consequently mangle the heck out of them.

Chain: "More or less." I said.

Ocean Elf: So make up your mind. Is it more or is it less?

Chain: "Are you god?" You asked.

Ocean Elf: Confuse you, a dealive chain letter freak with God? Let me put it this way: Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Chain: "Yup." I replied. "I'm God."


Ocean Elf: 😠 Okay, that's it! This is where I rework this thing, remove and replace God with Senna Marie Maxwell's and Lady Une's made-up deity, the Hamgod! The god of bullies, trolls and otaku, especially the Lady Une bootlickers!

So let's start this sorry thing from the beginning, shall we? Because there's little point in my going through it as is and continuing to repeat myself with "God didn't say that or "I never said or did this or that..." "You" is replaced with "Lady Une", God, replaced with "the Hamgod" and the grammar revised into a third person narrative about Lady Une, rather than a first person account about some dude referred to as "You" or "I" supposedly having a talk with God. The rest of the story remains unaltered, but for the odd comment from me.

* * *

Chain: Lady Une was on her way home when she died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. Lady Une left behind a foster child, Mariemaia. It was a painless death. The EMT tried their best to save her, but to no avail. Her body was so utterly shattered she was better off, trust me.

And that's when she met him.

"What... what happened?" Lady Une asked. "Where am I?"

"You died," he said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

"There was a... a truck and it was skidding..."

"Yup." he said.

"I... I died?"

Yup. But don't feel bad about it. Everyone dies." I said.

Lady Une looked around. There was nothingness. Just she and him. "What is this place?" She asked. "Is this the afterlife?"

"More or less." he said.

"Are you the Hamgod?" Lady Une asked.

"Yup." he replied. "I'm the Hamgod."

"My daughter... Mariemaia," she said.

"What about her?"

"Will she be all right?"

"That's what I like to see." he said. "You just died and your main concern is for your family. That's good stuff right there."

Lady Une looked at him with fascination. To her, he didn't look like Hamgod. He just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the keel-hauling Hamgod she had worshiped all her life.

"Don't worry," he said. "She'll be fine. Your daughter will remember you as perfect in every way. She didn't have time to grow contempt for you. Your fanclub will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your relationships were falling apart. If it's any consolation, some of them, Senna Marie Maxwell in particular, will feel very guilty for feeling relieved."

Ocean Elf: Lol!

Chain: "Oh," Lady Une said. "So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?"

"Neither," the Hamgod said. "You'll be reincarnated."

"Ah," Lady Une said. "So the Hindus were right."

Ocean Elf: 🙄

Chain: "All religions are right in their own way," the Hamgod said. "Walk with me."

Ocean Elf: Meh, I don't think so.

Chain: Lady Une followed along as they strode through the void. "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere in particular," the Hamgod said. "It's just nice to walk while we talk."

"So what's the point, then?" Lady Une asked. "When I get reborn, I'll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won't matter."

"Not so!" the Hamgod said. "You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don't remember them right now."

He stopped walking and took Lady Une by the shoulders. "Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly image. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it's hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you've gained all the experience it had."

"You've been in a human for the last 48, no, make that 34, no wait, it's um, I'm sorry, I seem to have forgotten your age, for many many years at any rate, so you haven't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you'd start remembering everything. But there's no point to doing that between each life."

"How many times have I been reincarnated, then?"

"Oh, lots. Lots and lots. And in to lots of different lives," the Hamgod said. "This time around, you'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD."

"Wait, what?" Lady Une stammered. "You're sending me back in time?"

"Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I came from."

Ocean Elf: Wrong. There is only one universe. That's why it is called the universe. Even fictional multiverses (which exist only in many human imaginations) are all within the one and only universe. That's why I never talk about "The Twilight universe" "The Star Trek Universe" "The Hunger Games universe" I use the word "setting" instead. That was a bit of a tangent, so for the purpose of this afterlife story, I guess 'multiverse" would apply. Just saying. I don't like stories about multiverses either. Or about fictional afterlife. Yeah, you might as well know this story sucks already on this basis, but wait, it gets even worse. Much worse.

Chain: "Where you come from?" Lady Une said.

"Oh sure," the Hamgod explained. "I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you'll want to know what it's like there, but honestly, you wouldn't understand."

"Oh," Lady Une said, a little let down. "But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point."

"Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan, you don't even know it's happening."

"So what's the point of it all?"

"Seriously?" The Hamgod asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"

"Well, it's a reasonable question," Lady Une persisted.

The Hamgod looked Lady Une in the eye. "The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature."

"You mean mankind? You want us to mature?"

"No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect."

"Just me? What about everyone else?"

"There is no one else," The Hamgod said. "In this universe, there's just you and me."

Lady Une stared blankly at him. "But all the people on earth..."

"All you. Different incarnations of you."

"Wait, I'm everyone!?"

"Now you're getting it," he said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

"I'm every human being who ever lived?"

"Or who will ever live, yes."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln?"

"And you're John Wilkes Booth, too," The Hamgod added.

"I'm Hitler?" Lady Une said, appalled.

"And you're the millions he killed."

"I'm Jesus?"

Ocean Elf, interjecting: 😠 Leave Jesus out of it! This is truly screwed up! What this utterly rancid thing has just done is say every innocent person is actually their own victimizer, that every slave is their vile taskmaster, that every rape victim is their rapist, that every Jew is Hitler and Jesus nailed himself to the cross and that Hitler is the Messiah! No wonder some atheist thought this dreck was absolutely beautiful.

I'm going to insert something here to make this a bit more balanced.

Story continues: Lady Une said, "I'm Mohammad?

"and you're everyone who followed him.

"I'm Buddha?"

"And you're everyone who followed him. You're everyone anyone has persecuted in the name of those religions."

I'm Christopher Hitchens?

"And you're Jerry Falwell."

Chain: Lady Une fell silent.

"Every time you victimized someone," The Hamgod said, "you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you've done, you've done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you."

Lady Une thought for a long time.

"Why?" She asked the Hamgod. "Why do you do all this?"

"Because someday, you will become like me. Because that's what you are. You're one of my kind. You're my child."

"Whoa," Lady Une said, incredulous. "You mean I'm a Hamgod?"

"No, not yet. You're a fetus. You're still growing. Once you've lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born."

"So the whole universe," Lady Une said, "it's just..."

"An egg." The Hamgod answered. "Now it's time for you to move on to your next life."

And he sent Lady Une on her way.

Ocean Elf: Wow, what a pile of egotistical, nonsensical dreck!

And then, Lady Une woke up from one of the weirdest dreams off the charts she'd ever had.

* * *

This chain letter story is messed up. It basically says there's no us, no individual and no individualism, only one big soul in a giant egg called the universe and we are all combined into one, and that one giant soul will one day become a god, after we have all lived and died as one another for the whole number of people who have and will ever live and die. Blech!

There is a lot wrong with saying that Hitler and Lady Une and the people Hitler killed , and that Jesus was Pilate and Herod, or that Charles Manson and Mother Teresa, Polpot and Princess Diana are all one and the same Yes, that's what this crock of schlock is saying. It also says that you must die and come back as every other person who ever lived, and everyone else will eventually die and come back as you. Yeah, screwed up, and that's putting it mildly.

There's something very wrong with telling us we can all become gods if we get re-incarnated enough, particularly for those of us who believe there is and will always be only one God. In this setting, they should've included every other most holy name in other religions too, not just Jesus, who clearly doesn't belong in a weird chain letter story promoting the idea that people would eventually become gods.

Truly screwed up in my opinion.

That story sucks! It really stink-sucks… OUT LOUD!


Foefiction Page

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Go to Mary Sue page

Senna Marie Jenny Ko Nahid Leila Maxwell etc the biggest Lady Une buttkissing otaku whose online bullying/harassment/stalking and otherwise profoundly desperate attention-seeking, trolling, stupid behaviour and all out bad-seed and Mary Sue personality inspired the story.


Go to fandoms/trolls page


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