Lady Une, the Urban Legendary Experience!

Thirty-nineteen-year-old Lady Une was supposed to be in charge of two young children, one of them was 7-year-old Mariemaia, daughter of Une's boyfriend, Treize...Sheesh, what a sissy name. The other child in Une's, er...care, was a neighbor's baby.

Une got bored and lonely. She decided to cook supper and invite her master--er--owner--I mean keeper--uh, no, erm...The object of her obsession - Treize Khu--aw scrap that pretentious killer to type, irritating horribly long last name of his over.

He took his sweet time getting there, because he was THE GREAT TREIZE, after all, and he expected people to wait for him, and wait on him!

While Une waited for Treize to arrive, she touched up her hair, put on more makeup, and of course, her glasses. She sent Mariemaia down to the basement to watch TV while waiting for Treize to arrive.

After about five minutes of waiting, the phone rang. Une was relieved it was not Treize calling to cancel like he had done the last time.

It was the mother of the baby Une was looking after for the evening.

Une informed her that all was well, she was just having a friend over for dinner, the chicken was in the oven, and the baby had gone to sleep with no fuss.

When Treize arrived, Une was all over him like a cheap suit. She was just about crawling out of her skin to get into his, and she assaulted him with many wet passionate kisses all over his face and neck...all the while, panting "Mr. Treize...Oh, Mr. Treize, sir!" over and over again. Pathetic! :p

The general discomfort of the situation was made far worse by body odor. This was because Une had stopped using deodorant. Most on the market also contained anti-perspirant, which she was told and believed, caused cancer by clogging up the sweat glands, preventing toxins from escaping the body.

Dinner wasn't ready yet, so they sat in the front room. Once Treize managed to pry Une loose, he watched her for a moment as she sat beside him, still panting, sighing, and swooning.

Eventually Une settled down, and that was when Treize told her that he was ditching her. What else was new, for Treize, this was routine!

Une went crazy. She started frantically pawing all over him again, stepping up the pace with the urgent kisses, and all that was accompanied with pitiful pleas of "No! Please Mr. Treize! I need you! I want you, I love you! I'm the only one who understands and loves you and you're the only one who loves me! You know you do! I'll do anything for you, just don't leave me! I'll do anything, make speeches, cook for you, do your laundry, kiss your feet! oh Mr. Treize! my love for you knows no limits! See, I'll prove it! I told you I'd do anything for you and I will! You see, Mr. Treize, I will, right now. I'll do this for you and only you!" and with that, lady Une got down on the floor and actually kissed Treize's feet! Sheesh, what a clingy and possessive drip, and if he was worth all that - yeah, right.

Treize was so in love with himself and flattered that once again, he had some poor sap after him, that he gave in for a moment. "You're the only one who's ever understood me, Une...But I'm leaving for bigger and better things. Now, how about giving me some supper?"

Une sprang to her feet. This was one more opportunity to please Treize, and with each opportunity, maybe she could make him forget this backing off idea. "Yes, Mr. Treize, yes, I'll go right now, sir!" With that, she flew into the kitchen.

But as she did, she saw the table all laid out, complete with two glasses of wine. Une thought of getting him drunk, she would have to spike it with something. But as her fevered mind raced desperately from one idea to another,

she got a particularly sinister idea. Yes, it would have to work. How could Treize not be indebted to her as his heroine after tonight?

It wasn't long before dinner was ready, and Une and Treize sat down to dine. Une suggested they start off with a drink while the piping hot supper cooled enough to eat.

Treize agreed and took several sips of the wine.

That was the last thing he remembered.

The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked in a bathtub filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs, but looked around to see he was alone. He looked down at his chest, which had "CALL 911 OR YOU WILL DIE" written on it in lipstick.

He saw a phone was on a stand next to the tub, so he picked it up and dialed. He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was and that he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling. The EMS operator told him to check his back. He did, only to find two 9 inch slits on his lower back.

they sent a rescue team over.

Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had happened. His kidneys were stolen. They were worth 10,000 dollars each on the black market.

Lady Une tried to get the hospital to give him one of her kidneys, but they refused after running some tests. Her kidney was not a match and would be useless to him, maybe even deadly.

That was when Lady Une broke down, blathering something about it all being worth nothing since she was sure never to get him back now. It eventually came out that Lady Une was behind that whole plan. She put Treize in an emergency, trying to set it up so that she would be the one to save him and restore him to a normal life. Then surely he would feel he owed her, and loved her too much to leave.

As for the neighbor whose baby Une had sat that night, imagine the horror when it was discovered that their baby was gone, and in the crib in its place was a raw chicken!

The culprit? Lady Une and her stupid multiple personalities. the personality she was in at the time she cooked the "chicken" was too out of touch with reality to distinguish the difference between a chicken and a baby!

To this day, the distraught mother still refuses to stop searching for her child. She believes it is still alive somewhere.

As for Treize, he was hospitalized next door to a man who died of flatulance, and it was contagious!

Seven-year-old Mariemaia, Treize's daughter had sickened from eating a Costa Rican banana that was infected with necrotizing fasciitis, otherwise known as flesh eating bacteria. She came down with a fever followed by a very painful skin infection that, if not treated in time, could eat two to three centimeters of flesh per hour.

Mariemaia was luckier than most afflicted with this since the treatment was aggressive enough and in time to prevent the infection from requiring Amputation or resulting in the poor child's death.

The warning here is to boycott bananas! Especially if they come from Costa Rica!

After Mariemaia's bout with the flesh eating disease, from which she fully recovered, she begged Lady Une to take her to a movie. Lady Une agreed but they would have to eat lunch first.

Tired of cooking, Une took Mariemaia out to a fast food place. Mariemaia had battered fried chicken strips, and Lady Une had a burger with lots of mayonaise.

Lady Une didn't think it tasted right, but perhaps one of her personalities didn't like mayo and it slipped her minds.

Later, at the theater, Lady Une was not feeling at all well, and Mariemaia complained of a pain in her backside. When it grew worse, they left the theater, and Une examined her. there seemed to be a splinter but Une couldn't get it out, so she took Mariemaia to the Valley Childrens hospital.

By the time they arrived, Mariemaia was vomiting and shaking, her eyes rolled back into her head, Lady Une was in nearly as bad a state.

It turned out that the welt on Mariemaia's buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle that had broken off inside.

When the needle was removed, it was found to be contaminated with a parasite that causes ostriopliosis, a rare liver disease.

The only treatment, not a cure, was a drug called Progesterex, which was very expensive, and still in the experimentation stages.

Lady Une's problem was a flue like illness brought on by contaminated food from the restaurant. Upon thorough examination of her stomach contents, it was discovered that the "mayonaise" turned out to be puss from a ruptured tumor of a cow. The chicken Mariemaia had eaten had turned out to be not chicken at all, but rat meat.

When that restaurant was inspected, there were many major health hazards found by way of food contamination. Dear mouse droppings that tested positive for Hanta virus were found in a container of chocolate chips, lice among the rice, and mad cow or B.S.E infected meat. Lady Une was fortunate she had not been infected with B.S.E, however, and the restaurant was shut down.

Lady Une recovered quickly and was released within two days, but Mariemaia's condition worsened, though Lady Une visited her every day, hoping against hope she would recover soon.

At the hospital, Lady Une and Mariemaia met Jessica Mydek. She was the same age as Mariemaia. Sadly, Jessica was dying of cancer that was caused by shampoo and toothpaste., Her family were trying to save her life by passing on chain letters.

Une thought this was a great idea so she followed suit. Une's please to save Mariemaia were circulated on the internet. They went something like this:

From: Lady Une Subject: Don't be heartless and delete this letter! Please read!

to all who care and love children:

My name is Lady Une. My seven-year-old step-daughter, Mariemaia has severe ostriopliosis of the liver. (Her liver is extremely inflamed). Modern Science has yet to find a cure. Valley Childrens hospital has agreed to donate 7 cents to the National Diesese sic Society for every name on this letter. Please send it around as much as you can. If you do not pass on this letter, Mariemaia will not get the money she needs to save her life. This poor, innocent little child may not live to see her next birthday, graduate from highschool, or get married and have children of her own. Please, please, don't deny her a chance at life!

She is in agony every day, this is a very slow and horrible death. But it might be prevented if a cure or treatment is found, and for that, donations are desperately needed! For the love of little children and Mr. Treize Khushrenada, please give little Mariemaia a chance, the chance all children deserve...a chance at life! Sign this letter, and pass it on to as many people as you can!

For those of you who dont take 5 minutes to do this, what goes around comes around, and one day you will get what you deserve. You can help sick people, and it costs you nothing, yet you are too lazy and selfish to spare a little time for this child? If you do not pass this on, and she dies, it will be because you were too heartless to care and pass on this letter! Just think how you would feel if it was you or your own child in this situation. Wouldn't you want people taking just moments of their time to help you?

Lady Une

--End of forward --

with Mariemaia and Treize in the hospital, Une got lonely and bought a pet cat. She was not really an animal lover but she absolutely needed something around to dominate, and anyway, she thought that being seen with a pet would boost her image in the public eye.

Une named her cat Mr. Treize, and she spent a lot of time grooming and bathing him. One day, she decided to speed up the drying process. Toweling him off took too long, and he shivered and squirmed his way free most of the time. In order to cut down the effort involved, Une put the cat in the electric oven to dry. At least this time she didn't mistake it for chicken. :p Do you see a pattern here, though?

One day, she decided to speed the process up even more, by drying him in the microwave.

There really was no miaow, nor any noise at all from the cat, for the poor creature exploded the instant the oven was switched on.

If that wasn't stupid enough, Lady Une sued the company which made the microwave for some obscene amount of money -- and won. Because there was no warning label on the microwave oven.

Next, Lady Une bought a bonzai kitten that was especially molded to look like Treize.

She also 'rescued' a cute little bunny rabbit named Toby. It had been found outside in the wet cold dark damp, scrawny and bony and half starving to death because of no food.

Une took Toby in and fattened him up with lots of hay and carrots and rabbit pellets with extra hormones, because everybody knows rabbit food is loaded with hormones! Une went vegan herself, suddenly taking an interest in animal rights, because she had been no hero to humanity so far.

However, with all of her donations to PEta and Green Peace and other animal rights organizations, and efforts raiding homes of their animals because she believed every sob story about animal abuse that never happened, plus the progesterex needed to keep Mariemaia comfortable, Une was starting to go broke, and become desperate.

She got a little money from PEta but it was just enough to cover the cost of making the orange vests they put on deer so hunters wouldn't shoot them.

She couldn't part with her Treize Kitty, so it was Toby who would have to go.

Une put up a web site that told Toby's sad sad story, of how he had been rescued from the wilds but how broke his oner, Lady Une was. It went on to tell how much Toby meant to Une, and how this was breaking her heart and would be so unfair to the innocent Toby, who did nothing to deserve such a fate. But on the next holiday, if Une didn't receive 50000$ to save Toby, she would put him in a rabbit stew and eat him.

No one really knows what became of the rabbit but some sources claim he was eaten by the cat.

Mariemaia made friends with Amy Bruce, who got tumors from beatings, and her family was also trying to save her by passing on chain mail. But eventually the tumors took over too many vital organs, so Amy had to go on iv and life support.

One night, she was in the hospital room all alone, when a janitor came in to clean.

Finding no spare outlets, he unplugged Amy's life support so he could vacuum. He couldn't hear Amy's cries for help because the vacuum was so loud.

Amy Bruce died that night.

But Mariemaia recovered.

Treize K. spent as much time in the hospital, recovering from his nearly fatal case of flatulance, which had also caused corrosive lung and throat damage to some of the hospital staff who had to take care of him. They had to resort to wearing gas masks when near him or working in his room.

He was put in detox and once he stopped stinking, he was sent back home.

So, to celebrate Treize and Mariemaia's recoveries, Treize threw a party at his mansion. He decided it would be a combination mascarade and pool party, so people were to bring bathing suits, costumes, or both, depending on if they wanted to dress up, bathe, or both.

But Lady Une still wanted Treize all to herself, and she knew there would be other women at the party.

So, she pretended to be sick, and told Treize she couldn't make it.

Back at home, she put on a costume, determined to spy on him.

At the party, she spotted him, and was delighted he didn't seem to be with anyone else, so, she decided to make her moves.

While Lady Une was cozying up to Treize, something else was happening to one of the guests.

This man had too much to drink, and was now in serious need of, well, getting rid of some of this excess liquid.

Unfortunately, there was a line at the restroom with the same problem apparently afflicting many other party guests.

He went back out to the pool and slipped in quietly. What was the harm, no one would know what he did...Or - would they?

It wasn't long before he was aware of everybody looking at him.

He didn't realize why at first, but a glance down gave him the answer.

Right around him, the water had turned bright red! It was a special substance Treize had purchased that went in invisible, but would turn red when in contact with urine.

A few minutes of embarrassment, the guy scrambled out of the pool as quickly as possible, and was later escorted out of the party once he'd changed into some dry clothes.

Apart from that little disturbance, everything seemed to be going well, Treize didn't appear ruffled by the incident at all. Une laughed with him at the poor guy's expense and together they really had a time of it. He seemed quite receptive to Une's affections now, and for a time, they snuck off to enjoy each other's company in private.

However, the next day, Treize called Lady Une to see if she was feeling better.

"Yes, Mr. Treize! Oh, yes!" she responded enthusiastically.

"That's good, I am as well. The party was okay except some idiot had the nerve to pee in the pool!"

Une cackled. "No, really!?"

"Yes, really." Treize said.

"Well that was rude...So," asked Une, "Meet anyone interesting?" and the way she said 'interesting' Treize knew Une really meant 'new women'.

"No." said Treize.

Lady Une didn't know whether to be insulted that Treize hadn't found her attractive, or relieved he hadn't - since he couldn't have known it was her.

"But," Treize continued. "My cousin, who went dressed as me, we went as each other...He said he had the wildest time with a really hot chick he met there." And here, he described what the girl had been wearing - it was Une's costume!

It was at that point Une had to end the call, a complete reversal from the usual, where she called Treize and he had always ended the conversation. But Une was dying of embarrassment at this point!

So, she lost her boyfriend, her pets, and her dignity. But At least Lady Une still had one thing going for her, her big hair style.

Une was proud of that hairstyle of hers, a huge bun positioned at the back of her head.

She maintained it obsessively. To keep her costly do in shape, she avoided taking it down for months at a time. Such is the price of fashion.

But her vanity was about to become very expensive.

At the end of each day, Une carefully prepared her hair for bed. She'd spray it and touch it up, but never wash it. That was too much trouble...much easier to just lacker it into place.

Une had stopped using shampoo anyway, since learning from the doctors and the Mydek family that shampoo contained Sodium Laureth Sulfate, AKA SLS. This extremely strong substance was, after all, used to scrub garage floors, and caused cancer when used on the body or injested in the form of toothpaste.

Therefore, Une also stopped brushing her teeth.

One morning, she awoke with a few thin threads in her face. Without thinking, she brushed them aside, and began her day.

Of course, Une's morning began with her bulletproof bun, but as she touched it up, she noticed something strange.

Une couldn't believe what she saw!

Baby black widows! Dozens of them!!

Somehow, an egg sac had been laid on her scalp, and had hatched during the night!

Frantically, Une raked through her hair-do, but this only exposed more spiders.

Hysterical, Une began chopping off her locks.

No matter what she did, more black widows spilled from her head!

Mad with horror, she finally snapped.

Today, she is institutionalized, her mind still infested with visions of spiders in her head.

As for Mariemaia, she was placed in foster care, but her faster mother and 6 other women died after receiving poisoned perfume samples in the mail. One of the packages was sent to the institution where Lady Une resides, and though it was presumably meant for Lady Une, a female staff member opened it instead.

The connection to Lady Une and Mariemaia is cause for suspicion that Treize Khushrenada sent the samples, mad as heck that Lady Une could actually survive without him, and that she had yanked out one of his kidneys. Treize K. is also highly suspected because he is after all, the founder of the terrorist OZ organization.

As for Lady Une, well, she died.


Some facts:

Black widow spiders don't hatch after one night and don't make webs in human hair. They prefer living in places that are quiet with as little disturbance as possible.

Seven women did not die of any poison perfume samples in their mail. If they had, as truthorfiction says, it would've been all over the real news, and not just passed around in chain letters on the net. It would have been extremely difficult if not impossible to cover up if it really happened.

Neither has anyone been drugged by perfume samples in parking lots.

There is no organization called the Diesese SIC Society, no such disease as ostriopliosis, and no such drug as progesterex. The names were fabricated to sound real, but they're pure fiction.

So, I took some liberties. in the original hoax about progesterex, it's supposed to be a drug that makes women sterile...permanently. But since that scenario didn't fit anywhere in this story, i put it in as the treatment for the dreaded ostriopliosis. Well, why not? It's a fictional drug after all. :p

One version of the ostriopliosis hoax also named a fictional character from a book as the afflicted. Another version unfortunately names a real person, who is in good health, but suffering unwanted attention because some malicious person, probably a schoolmate, perpetuated the hoax in his name.

the kidney theft never really happened either, despite all the silly scare stories about it that have been passed around. True, a guy did lose his kidney,

but that's just half of it. The whole truth is that he lost it because he chose to. The guy sold his own kidney, then covered up his illegal act by claiming he had been mugged and had it stolen.

The tub of ice is not necessary for organ removal. It's only the organ itself that needs to be kept on ice, not the person it comes from. outside of a hospital, this sort of surgery is next to impossible anyway, and hospitals keep records of every donor and recipient.


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Senna Marie Jenny Ko Nahid Leila Maxwell etc the biggest Lady Une buttkissing otaku whose online bullying/harassment/stalking and otherwise profoundly desperate attention-seeking, trolling, stupid behaviour and all out bad-seed and Mary Sue personality inspired the story.


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