Ducky Or Just Plain Quackers
I wrote this section in response to a spam post by a Skye Ollmann on a mailing list, and incorporated other spam addresses/names that had barged into my mail that day.
Subject: Re: Bobby
Once there was a girl who thought she was perfect. Her name was Skye Ollmann, because of her sky blue eyes. She batted her eye lashes and flicked her long, golden tresses as she played cards, worked on her computer and talked on the phone, getting fake BS degrees for everyone. She was also stalking a guy named Robert, who she insisted on calling "Bobby" much to his annoyance. He turned her in for the fraudulent business of buying and selling online BS degrees, and everybody Skye came into contact with soon agreed that she was already an expert in BS without a degree.
However, she managed to bs her way out of her punishment and took a job working at Muriel Berggren's Quack Ducky farm.
Once there was a woman named Teisha Reifel . She wanted a rifle. She intended to shoot some stray ducks that had either gotten away or had been set loose from the Quack Ducky farm by some animal liberationist wackjob.
The ducks had migrated over to her house and were making a dreadful cacophony with their quacking, and doing their best to fertilize the lawn.
Besides, she needed to get something for dinner, and cooking one of these ducks would surely be cheaper than going to the grocery store to pick up a chicken.
So Teisha went to Brenda Warnes's Guns Please shop.
But she had arrived at lunch time, so Brenda had to stop eating her grilled cheese on toast and cracking coconuts with her friend Brylee Stevens to serve the customer.
In the mean time, back at the Quack Ducky farm, there was panic.
word spread among the Quack Ducky workers and they all went on a wild goose chase!
Alexis Sabry and Sky Ollman returned empty-handed.
Josalyne Overfelt returned with some birds, but much to Muriel Berggren's chagrin, they were not Quack Ducky ducks.
"You spamhead! Can't you tell the difference between our ducks and wild ducks?" Muriel ranted.
"Oh! So that's why I had such a hard time trying to catch them!" a wide-eyed Josalyne exclaimed.
"I'll just take care of this myself if Dorie Chabot fails to bring back the ducks!" Muriel snapped, stomping her foot in frustration.
Teisha Reifel had returned home with the rifle she wanted. But she was in for a surprise.
There were fewer ducks waddling around on and near her property now, and some strange woman with what Teisha thought were the ugliest looking boots, was hurriedly gathering up the ducks and putting them in what looked like a motor home.
""It's about time somebody came for these stupid obnoxious birds," Teisha called out.
Dorie looked in Teisha's direction and saw she had a gun. "Don't you even think of shooting these ducks, and they're not stupid!" she shouted back.
"Don't give me a reason to, then, please, take them and your ugly boots off my property!" With that, Teisha slammed inside.
Dorie, feelings hurt, gathered up all the ducks she could find and drove them back to the farm.
Still, she hadn't collected every one of them, so it was quite possible a few Quacky Ducks remained at large and are who knows where by now.
Not only did this displease Muriel Berggren, but the fact the Reifel woman had the nerve to insult Dorie's boots further infuriated her.
"Where does this woman live?" she asked a crying Dorie.
Dorie sniffed, and gave her the address.
"I'll just fix her!" Muriel stated, and left the farm in a huff.
She sped away and drove on for quite some time until she found the street, and the house number Dorie had written down for her.
"You'll be very sorry for threatening our ducks and making stupid cracks about footwear!" she snarled as she took out a match book. "I'll burn this one down," she selected a tree standing in the yard. With venomous ill will, Muriel stopped the car, got out, and stalked on to the front yard, and up to the tree. A moment later, a match was lit, and fire was set to the branches.
Now, all that remained was to get out of there, but not before making sure some damage would be done.
Junelle Coyne was sitting at the kitchen table, taking care of money matters when she smelled the smoke.
"Those pesky kids burning rubbish next door again," she muttered in annoyance as she started for the front door, intending to go and ask them for the third time that week to put out their fire. This time she was really going to call the police on them.
However, she couldn't have been more shocked when she saw through the front window, the fire was not coming from the neighbor's fire pit, but from her own yard!
Junelle threw the front door open, stared at the burning tree, and commanded with the grave authoritiveness of an emperess, "Tree, stop burning!"
Muriel in the mean time, had only just found a space across the street and between two more trees to hide and watch the burn. She hadn't ducked in quickly enough to avoid being seen by Junelle, so, Muriel was just making ready to run for her vehicle and drive off again. However, Junelle's strange behavior stopped her, keeping her looking on.
"I said," Junelle shouted, "Tree! Stop burning!"
Still, the tree continued to burn.
"Tree! I command you to stop burning!" This time, Junelle made a dramatic gesture with her hand to emphasize the point.
The fire still didn't go out.
"Fire, stop burning!" Go out!"
It was all Muriel could do at this point not to laugh at the ridiculous scene.
The fire continued stubbornly burning.
Then, Junelle's face showed an alarmed expression as she gasped, "Oh, great zipping cars! It's a real fire!"
"No kiddin!" Muriel snickered.
Junelle suddenly disappeared into the house, presumably to call the fire department.
"I better get out of here, now!" Muriel said to herself as she headed back to her car. "That was a riot!"
Unfortunately for her, Junelle came running out of the house much sooner than Muriel had anticipated, and was now advancing on her. "I saw you hiding over there among those trees, if you had to burn something, you could've picked them instead!"
"You deserve to lose your precious plant after you insulted our ducks and Dorie's boots!" Muriel raged back.
"What the heck are you talking about, lady!? I don't know anything about any ducks, and how does one go about insulting somebody's boots?"
"Don't give me that ignorant act, you know full well what I'm talking about! You kidnapped our ducks and were about to shoot them! If Dorie hadn't found them and taken them off your tacky little yard, who knows where they would be!"
"I'm telling you, I haven't had any ducks here, and I don't know any Dorie!" Junelle protested.
"And I wish I had my camera! What an idiot, yelling at a fire to stop burning! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, stupid, stupid spamhead!" Muriel ridiculed.
"No, you're the stupid spamhead! That tree isn't mine!"
"of course it is, it's in your yard!"
"It's a Practise tree, a very expensive, imported stage prop that I was about to take to a movie set tomorrow!"
"Stage prop, huh? Well then, why didn't you put it on a stage where it belongs, instead of outside in your front yard?"
Junelle rolled her eyes. "I haven't got a stage on my property, this was meant to go to a studio, I told you that! A Practise tree is voice-activated and can be adjusted to be part of any movie landscape. With a voice command, you can make it appear to be on fire, and stop again, grow, shrink, sprout or shed leaves or needles, turn different colors, blossom, bear fruit, just about anything a real tree does. We'll all be lucky if your fire didn't damage it too badly to use at all!""
"Bull!" Muriel guffawed.
The firemen had arrived by this time and were busy putting it out.
Several neighbors had gotten curious and were looking out their windows or getting in their vehicles, pretending to leave, making sure to drive near where the action was taking place.
Others were standing around, trying to find out what was going on.
Muriel and Junelle continued shouting at each other, seemingly oblivious to the growing crowd, the fire fighters or anything else.
Finally another woman made her way through the chaos and began to confront Muriel. "You mean all of this is over those stupid ducks!?" she exclaimed.
"They're not Stupid!" Muriel raged.
"Apparently," Junelle said to the other woman, "This crazy lady's been yelling at me about some silly ducks ever since I came out here and found this tree on fire!"
"Hmmm, she's a different person from the one that was out here on my property earlier, with her van, and the ugliest boots you ever saw."
Then, it finally dawned on Muriel, she had picked the wrong house! No wonder Junelle kept denying any knowledge of the duck crisis. A little more arguing among them all, and it was eventually clear that either Dorie had given Muriel the wrong address or Muriel had misread the numbers. She had meant to go to Teisha's house at 668 Furyaintcme Street but had ended up at 662 instead, Junelle's place.
WOOPS!
Though not a fun fiction, here's another duck-related item.
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